Chapter 10

"So what did you think of that one?"

Kate glanced over at her partner and gave a little shrug as they approached the elevator. They had just completed their fourth apartment tour of the day and, to be entirely honest, they were all beginning to run together in her mind. Awkward shaped bedrooms, displeasing views, too-small bathrooms—each of them had something wrong, but she had to stop comparing them to her old place. It was gone, not coming back, and she had to live somewhere.

"I loved all the light, but this kitchen is just way too small; I couldn't do anything in there."

"Says the woman whose refrigerator mostly consists of takeout containers."

She smacked his chest with the back of her hand as they stepped onto the elevator. "You shush. But seriously—I cook on occasion. What am I going to make here besides toast?"

"Fair enough."

Castle said no more as they were joined on the elevator by a woman carrying a little girl on her hip. Kate estimated the tiny blonde with perky pigtails to be about two years old. She looked at Kate a bit sternly, but when her eyes shifted to Castle, a grin broke out on her face. Kate looked to her partner to see that he'd pulled a face, presumably in an attempt to entertain her, and had clearly worked, for when he stuck his tongue out at her, she giggled.

Kate watched as Castle waived at her and she waved back. He then went back to making silly faces, which had her laughing. Her mother noticed this and gave them a hesitant look, so Castle said, "I'm sorry—you're daughter's just adorable. My girlfriend is thinking of moving into this building—do you like it here?"

"Oh." The woman seemed momentarily startled as she looked between the two of them, but then relaxed and said, "Ah, yeah it's nice and quiet. The only downside is it's a bit far from the subway line I need to use."

By that time, their car had arrived on the ground floor, so the four of them stepped out together. "Well thanks; we'll keep that in mind. Have a nice day. Bye sweetheart," he added to the little girl.

Kate heard an almost invisible, "Bye," from her, but she kept her eyes on Castle until her mother had carried her out of the building.

"So," Castle began as they stepped out onto the sidewalk themselves, "back to the real estate listings?"

Kate groaned and rubbed her hands over her face. Right—she was still homeless. "No, no…these were the only decent four I found! I…I think I'm going to go with the one right before this."

"With the tiny bathroom?"

She nodded. Tiny? More like a bathroom in which she could shower, brush her teeth, and use the toilet simultaneously—but she'd make it work. "Yeah; I can deal with it; it'll be fine."

"I thought you liked baths."

That was correct; she did, and that apartment only had room for a stall shower, but fortunately she believed she had another option. Quirking her eye at her boyfriend she said, "Are you saying I can't use your tub."

He grinned. "No. Please—come over anytime. I just don't want you to pick an apartment you won't like."

"I appreciate that, but I need a place to live."

He reached over and skimmed his hand across the top of her back. "You can stay with me as long as you want; it's been nice."

"Very nice, but it's been three weeks; it's time." She certainly didn't want to overstay her welcome and though she completely believed him when he said he didn't mind, she also didn't feel they were ready for the "living together full time" stage of their relationship. She still liked her own space, and she knew he did as well.

"Still…I'll be a little sad to see you go."

When they came to a crosswalk Kate leaned her body into his to give him a quick hug. "I know, but it's for the best—find our regular routine again."

They crossed the street in a pack of fellow New Yorkers and fought the cross traffic to move North on the sidewalk towards the closest subway station. Once they descended and were waiting for the train, Castle asked, "While we're on the subject: do you think we'll ever live together?"

She smiled as the prior three weeks had certainly been a nice relationship test for them—one they passed with flying colors. "Ah yeah I'd say that's a pretty likely possibility. Don't you?"

"Yes—of course. I…" He reached down to pick up her hand and give it a solid squeeze. "I honestly can't imagine my life without you in it."

"Neither can I. but you know, as long as we're talking about our future—have you given any more thought to that thing you've been avoiding for over a week?"

"What thing is that?"

"Expanding upon our, ah, intimate activities?" she said as subtly as she could knowing they were on a public train platform. True, most of the people surrounding them were wearing headphones, but she still didn't need to broadcast anything too loudly.

Castle visibly winced and looked away from her. "Oh. That."

She stepped up in front of him and gave him a teasing smile. "You realize you're probably one of the only men on planet Earth consistently turning down sex, right?"

"So you're shaming me into this."

"Castle," she said sharply, touching her hand to her face as she gave him a very serious look. "You know I'm not." She would never ask him to do something he wasn't comfortable with, but she also knew he was mostly afraid because it was something he'd never done before, so she felt he needed a little nudge of encouragement.

"I know. I just… I don't know. I still see it as the scariest thing in the world. If it doesn't work-"

"Nothing changes," she promised.

He let out a heavy, rather dramatic sigh and threw up his hands flippantly. "Well…might as well then—before you move out."

She fought to roll her eyes; it was as though she had suggested that they get a jump start on doing their taxes for the following year. He could be so frustrating sometimes! Maintaining her positive attitude she patted his chest and said, "Tonight, then—when we get home."

"No time like the present."

She refused to acknowledge his sarcasm. Instead, she squeezed his arm and said, "It's going to be great; I promise."

"Castle! C'mon in—I'm ready."

Reaching her hands down to her upper thighs, Kate fluffed out the bottom lace edges of the red teddy she wore, making sure it hung straight. Then, she brought both hands up to rest just above her belly button as she sucked in a deep breath. She hadn't been nervous about sex in years, but in that moment the steady thrum of her heart was definitely more rapid than normal; she simply couldn't help herself.

Before she began setting up she had explained to her partner once again that the evening came with no pressure, no strings. If it worked: great. If it didn't: they could try again—or not try again. She'd let him make the call. As much as she told him again and again that it didn't matter, they both knew that it did. It certainly wouldn't end their relationship if it didn't work out—not in her mind, anyway—but she wanted this so much for him she knew if it didn't then—

No. She wouldn't even entertain the thought. They would find a way to make it work, because together they could figure anything out.

"I still don't see why you—oh." The writer stopped dead in his tracks at the entrance to his bedroom from the office. She'd banished him to the kitchen while she set a romantic mood—much to his utter annoyance—but from the slack-jawed expression now on his face she knew his griping had been well worth it.

"Like what you see, Castle?" she teased, a sly grin on her face. The practically see-through teddy was one of the sexiest—and most expensive—she'd ever purchased, but it was worth it. As with all lingerie, it was not the most comfortable—a little itchy at the edges and tight across her rib cage—but it was meant for show, not for long-term wear.

The longer she gazed at him, Castle's expression morphed from one of shock to one of clear admiration. He smoothed his left hand back through his hair and then rested both hands at his hips as he grazed his eyes over her exposed flesh. Meeting her eye again he said, "You look ridiculously sexy."

"Good."

"Is that new?"

"Maybe," she replied in a sing-song way, swishing her hips side to side, which made the edges of the teddy flutter. In truth, she had bought it a little over a week earlier, both because she knew all of her existing sexy undergarments had been charred along with the rest of her belongings and because she'd hoped to wear it on an evening such as that one—a very special, sexy occasion.

After several more moments of gawking, Castle stepped further into his bedroom and took in the scene she'd set. "Candles, music…You sure went to a lot of trouble for something that's probably not going to work out."

Kate took in a deep breath and counted to three, trying not to let the frustration of his continued negative attitude ruin their mood. Instead, she chose to turn the moment into a positive one. Stepping around in front of him, she reached out and cupped both of his elbows with her hands. Gazing up at him she asked, "Do you know why I fell in love with you?"

"My rugged handsomeness?"

She twisted he lips to the side at his obvious joke-guess. "No. Among your many other positive qualities it was your attitude, your optimism. Doing my job I see darkness every day—people at their lowest points—and it's hard not to be affected by that, to let that darkness seep into your own life. For a long time I let it and then you walked into my world and shined a light on everything. You always seem to find the bright side and help me look for it as well. Except when it comes to this—not that you haven't been through something traumatic, because of course you have. I'm just saying: let me return the favor and shine some light."

His eyes flared wide and he shook his head. "Oh don't shine light on it—that won't be pretty."

She rolled her eyes at his comment. Per usual, her boyfriend had to throw in a joke at every opportunity. "Castle—just take off your clothes."

As the sheets were already peeled back from the pillows, creating a lovely oasis waiting for them, Kate climbed onto the center of the mattress to wait while he pulled off his t-shirt and let his jeans drop to the floor, leaving him in only boxers. She smiled, encouraging him to join her, and he did so tentatively. She reached out to grab the top of his shoulder and pull his lips down to hers.

They kissed and she threaded her leg between his, drawing their bodies flush together. She felt his hands roam her back and squeeze the exposed cheeks of her ass. She hummed into his mouth and mirrored his actions, dragging her fingernails against the round curvature of his bottom, unquestionably one of her favorite features on his body.

Unlike previous times when they'd been intimate, Kate let her lips travel past his sternum and across his toned belly. She heard him breath in a shuttered breath when her hands settled lightly on his hips, just as the waistband of his boxers, so she gazed up and gave him a reassuring smile. Though his head lay back against his pillow, he looked anything but relaxed. "You want me to stop?" she asked gently. He shook her off so she kept going, trailing her kisses down to his right hip, then tracing her tongue across his low belly to the other hip before she began to pull down his shorts.

He lifted his hips to help her pull them off and after tossing them casually over the side of the bed, Kate moved her hand across his left hip until it landed on his member. Though it was certainly firmer than when she'd felt it previously, it did not have near the stiffness she would have expected on someone who had not had reconstructive surgery. She stroked her fingers up and down the shaft a few times, watching her partner's face for reaction, but he merely shut his eyes and covered his face with his hands.

With her ministrations, she felt him stiffen, particularly on the right side, but the left didn't change much. She continued the work with her fingers and grazed her teeth over her bottom lip, debating on how to phase the question on her lips. Any version of, "Is this it?" sounded insulting, though she truly didn't mean it to be. She simply didn't know how hard he could get and he was the only one who could confirm.

Moving her hand to his right hip, she arched her body over his and kissed his chin, the only part of his face still exposed. "Are you ready?" she asked softly. He pulled his hands away from his eyes and nodded. She smiled, kissed him quickly, and then rose up so she could hook the waistband of her thong with her thumbs and remove it. She then moved her knees so they were astride his hips and sat down so she balanced her body on his thighs. "Is this okay?"

"Ah, yeah," he rasped out. "I, ah, not sure how else we would…but I'm not sure if…"

"Let's just see, okay?"

Kate lifted herself up, scooted forward, and lowered her hips again. She balanced herself with her left hand in the center of her chest as she used her right to guide him to her channel. She tried her best to keep her facial expression neutral, not wanting him to see any level of concentration that could be read as displeasure, but she struggled a bit more than she anticipated in trying to line him up with her entrance. On her third try she succeeded and lowered her body all the way down, allowing him to slide inside her. He breathed in sharply and moved his hands to her thighs and she smiled down at him. "Okay?"

He grunted and nodded so she rolled her hips a few times, trying to find a rhythm that would work for them. Just as her heart was beginning to swell from the pure joy of feeling him at her entrance, knowing they were doing the exact thing he thought to be impossible, she felt his fingertips suddenly dig into her thighs in an almost painful manner. Not sure what that meant, she stopped moving and looked at him. "Are you okay? Talk to me, Rick."

"I—I don't know."

"Does it hurt?" she asked. He shook his head. "Does it not feel good?"

"It—it doesn't feel right," he managed through gritted teeth.

"Okay." She instantly pushed herself up and off of him and scooted forward so she sat across his hips instead. She reached out her left hand to stroke across his jaw and he shut his eyes, clearly embarrassed.

"I'm really sorry."

"No, no." She assured him, stretching out her body over his so she could stroke both of his cheeks with her thumbs and press a few gentle kisses over his bottom jaw. "I told you we'd figure this out together, right? Just relax and we can try something else—a different position."

He sucked in a deep breath and huffed it out. "I think I'm too small for all of them."

"That's not true."

He rolled his head away to avoid her gaze, clearly not believing the words she said. Her heart breaking for him, Kate swung her legs back over to one side of her body so she could stretch out at his side. Skimming her fingertips through the soft hair on his chest she said, "I know this must be hard, because it's not like you remember."

"Only for a million reasons. I used to—" he cut himself off, looking slightly hesitating. "At the risk of sounding immodest I used to be…bigger than average, we'll say. And then… they tried to save it, all of it, but the skin started dying and there was nothing that could be done. They told me they had to cut it back to the living tissue or I would risk losing it completely. Still, it was my decision and it…"

"Rick." She placed her palm flat against his chest, calling his attention. "You did exactly what anyone else would have done. I can't even imagine having to make that call. How many surgeries did you end up having?"

"On that area specifically? Two. Five overall. The point being—I just…I don't know how to do this." He gazed at her and she could see nothing but pain and remorse in his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Kate. I really thought-"

"No, shh." She hushed his apologies and concerns and then pressed her lips to his. "Just shut your eyes, relax."

She waited until he'd done so and then lowered her head to his chest, thinking they needed a several minute reset before trying again. She traced her fingers lazily up and down his side for a few moments before an idea hit her. She mentally slapped herself for not thinking of it before—for not starting with it; it seemed so obvious now.

Lifting her head, she checked to see that his eyes were still closed and they were, so Kate began to trail kisses across his collar bone, just as she'd done before. She kissed across his chest, down his belly and over his hips before sticking out her tongue and dragging it down the length of his member. As expected, he gasped out her name. She stroked her tongue across him again and felt his hips jerk beneath her; she smiled inwardly.

"Just relax." She coached before gliding her tongue across him again. He had softened during their discussion, which wasn't at all surprising, so she took her time tracing her tongue from base to tip before parting her lips and taking his entire length into his mouth.

"God, Kate!"

As his tone was unreadable, she pulled her mouth away from him and turned her head so she could see his face. "Good or bad?" she asked.

"Good." He managed, though he looked slightly uncertain.

She nodded and repeated her actions: stroking her tongue down to the tip before sliding it into her mouth, that time taking note he was significantly harder. Having the full length of him in her mouth was a new sensation for Kate as she had never performed oral sex on a penis that small. Not that his size mattered—it simply presented different challenges.

For several moments she explored different options: sucking lightly, pulling back enough to swirl her tongue across the tip, sliding her whole mouth up and down his shaft. She gauged his reaction to each different method, but found that each time she alternated sucking with swirling her tongue she could feel his hips buck beneath her and he let out a little groan. Smiling to herself, she continued these actions and, much to her surprise, she felt him grow even firmer; perhaps all he'd needed was to fully relax and let go.

Kate continued to suck him for another full minute until she heard his breathing begin to come in shorter spurts. She pulled back, releasing the suction of her lips, swirled her tongue around his tip a few times, and then went back to sucking until she felt him thrust his hips as he cried out. She readied herself to receive his cum, but what settled on her tongue was only about half the volume she expected. She was confused at first, but then she realized this might be another thing different about him thanks to his accident, but fortunately it didn't matter at all.

As he breathed out, "God, Kate," she pulled her mouth away from him, rubbed her hand gently across him for a moment, and then stretched out beside. She reached one hand up to brush over his now-sweaty chest and smiled down at him. He rolled into her, burrowing his face against her breasts as his arms looped around her back. She ran her fingers through the hair at his nape, kissed the top of his head and held him close, happier than she ever thought possible. She hadn't realized just how much she'd missed being able to give him pleasure until it finally happened.

Finally.

They held each other tightly for several minutes before Castle pulled back and placed kisses all across her chest and collarbone. Finally looking up to her, he said, "You're the most incredible person in the world."

She let out a breathy chuckle and combed her fingers through his hair. "Oh I don't know about that."

"You are. You are." He repeated, kissing her throat several times before moving to her lips and giving her a long, slow kiss.

Kate stroked his cheeks and held her fingertips by his jaw. "So it was good, then?"

Much to her surprise, he gave a rather blasé shrug. "It was okay." Before she could get too offended, he added quickly, "Not because of you! It's just…how it is now, post-accident. It's like my orgasm is wearing ear muffs."

As this analogy was one of the last thing she would have expected, she blurted out, "WHAT!?"

"It's muted. Tamer. Less mind-blowing? I don't know how else to describe it."

"Understood." She skimmed her fingertips over his hairline and smiled. True, she imagined it was disappointing, but at the same time, she also believed the fact that he still had any functionality given what he'd been through was a true miracle. "At least it's not gone completely."

"True." He hummed out.

The two of them dozed together in bed for the better part of twenty minutes before Castle suddenly sat up and announced that he needed a snack. He plucked his boxers from the floor and exited the room while she was slower to follow, taking off her lacy teddy and swapping it for his discarded dress shirt. Though he offered to make her something, she declined and merely hovered nearby while he retrieved bread, sliced cheese, and butter so he could make himself a grilled sandwich.

As he prepped the bread, Kate's gaze drifted across the kitchen until she spotted her purse at the end of the counter. Beside it sat the flyers for the apartments they'd seen that day, which made her think of their last stop and what had happened as they were leaving.

"Castle, do you want children?"

He looked at her with his jaw slightly agape, a butter knife limp in his hand. "Wow, um, that was random."

"Not really. I saw those apartment flyers and I thought back to that little girl you were smiling at in the elevator."

His face brightened immediately. "Oh wasn't she adorable with her little curly pigtails? And her little laugh was so sweet."

She nodded her head and pressed her lips together as he had more or less provided an answer. "So that's a 'yes' then?"

His brow wrinkled as he placed his sandwich into a pan on the stove so it could brown. "Ah, no. I mean I love kids, but I'm well aware that's not in the cards for me."

"Rick," she sighed out his name, feeling bad that she'd brought down the happy mood of their evening; it definitely hadn't been intentional.

He shrugged. "It's okay…just another one of those unfortunate things that happened as a result of my accident. Can't control it; it just is what it is." He focused intently on his toasting for several minutes, but when he used a spatula to flip the sandwich and brown its other side he looked up at her and confessed, "I, ah, I have considered adopting a few times, but I figure—single guy…it'd be really hard, even with my financial situation."

"What about with a wife? Furthermore, do you know for sure you can't have children? Have you seen a fertility specialist?"

His brow rose halfway up his forehead and he asked, "Are we actually having this conversation?"

Unfazed, she responded, "Is it making you uncomfortable?"

"No…" he responded, though he didn't sound certain. "I just…is it too soon?

She shook her head and took two steps closer to him. "I don't think so. We've known each other over a year and a half and been together nearly half that time. We're in a committed relationship. I don't think it's too soon to know where we both stand on the issue of marriage and children."

He rested his hands against the counter as he looked over at her. "Well, to be honest, one of the first thoughts I had after my accident was that no one would ever want to marry me and I can't say that viewpoint has changed much over the years."

Trying not to feel hurt she asked gently, "Even now?"

"Now…" He pushed out a heavy breath and dropped his chin to his chest. Focusing a bit too intently on the stove he said, "I'm still a little too afraid to be hopeful."

"Even after everything we've been through?"

"It's only been six months. And," he straightened his spine, raked his right hand through his hair, and then gestured towards his bedroom with it. "And we couldn't even…not really."

"So we try again and again until we find something that works."

"But I…I don't know," he concluded with a shrug.

Seeing as she had put him on the spot, she decided to accept this answer without pressing any further—for now. At the same time, she wanted to make sure he knew where she stood. "Just so you know: I'm interested in both—marriage and children. As for the latter—if there's one thing I know for certain it's that together you and I can figure anything out."

He opened up his arms and she happily stepped inside them and accepted his hug. He kissed the top of her head and said, "I promise I'll try to get to that considering-marriage place."

"I know you will."

He kissed her head again before kissing her on the lips. "I love you so much, you know that?"

She smiled and hugged his waist even tighter. "I love you too, Castle."

A/N: I was absolutely blown away by the amazing response to Ch 9, so i thank all of you for that-truly. I appreciate your feedback so much

I hope you guys enjoyed this conclusion, though there will be an epilogue posted on Saturday.

Then, I'll post both parts of Between Two a Soulmate AU and then starting Dec 17th for 8 days straight I will post my Christmas fic It's Only Just Begun