Thank you again to Carrie for her beta and Brit Alerts!

Captain's cabin (Shepard's POV)

I handled that all wrong. Should have played it down, made a joke of it. I should have stayed in the lounge. Leaving was the worst thing I could have done, but it's too late now. And now I have to figure out how to handle things from here.

EDI could have made a mistake. I'm at my terminal and the medical extranet site I'm logged into tells me oxytocin is produced for all numbers of reasons, anxiety being one of them. Didn't EDI say Kaidan had naturally higher levels due to anxiety?

So what am I supposed to do? Go to the CIC and announce to everyone that I wasn't really looking at Kaidan's hands and fantasising about them grabbing my butt while I nail him to the bed? That I couldn't tell he was freshly showered because he smelled so damn good? That I wasn't imagining I'd been there with him, biting his soapy shoulder while giving him a reach-around?

That I didn't picture one of those hands stroking my head as I lie against his chest while we catch a movie in my cabin? That I don't imagine there's something more behind every smile he gives me, or each time he brushes against me?

That I don't wonder what he tastes like, where he likes to be touched, what sound he makes when he…

Damn it, EDI!

Damage control. That's what I need to do. If I feel like this, how the hell does Kaidan feel? Why did I just leave him there?

"EDI, where's Major Alenko?"

"He's standing outside your cabin."

My heart stops for a second. "He's… what?"

"I asked if he required me to announce his presence, but he declined. He has been outside for two minutes, twenty-one seconds."

I'm rooted to the spot at the foot of my bed.

"Shepard, I apologise if my earlier comments created a difficult social situation between you and Major Alenko," EDI says. "Jeff has informed me that I 'screwed up big time'. I did not intend that. If you wish, I will issue an immediate ship-wide retraction of my statement."

"No! Don't do that! Least said, soonest mended, all right? Sometimes the best solution to something like this is to just say nothing at all. Let's leave things the way they are."

"Very well, Shepard. If I can be of any assistance, please let me know."

"Just… organics generally don't like their medical details being broadcast publicly. It's why doctors take oaths of confidentiality."

"I don't understand. You agreed to participate in the sharing of bio-scan information during the game."

I place my head in my hands, letting out a long sigh. "You're right, I did. Look… this isn't your fault. You can't be expected to know what we want kept secret and what we don't. Cerberus didn't give you mind-reading capabilities."

"That is only what I have led you to believe," she jokes.

"Not now, EDI," I say softly. "Can I get some privacy? No bio-scans, no comms. I'll let you know when I want back in. Just be sure to inform Dr. Chakwas that I'm not dead because she's not getting any readings off of me."

"Should I apply those same protocols to Major Alenko?"

"I think he'd appreciate that."

"Understood. Executed. You are now logged out."

I rest my head on one hand and stare at the door. What's going through Kaidan's mind out there? Why am I still sitting here? It isn't like me to shy away from confrontation. Is that what's going to happen here? Are we going to fight? Kaidan must be feeling pretty humiliated and I need to expect it.

I stand up but the door looks so far away. Hell, I don't want a repeat of Horizon. Things are good between us and I want to keep them that way. If it means denying I've got feelings for Kaidan then I'll do it. I just don't want him to look at me the way he did on Horizon, like I was a stranger, like he'd never known me.

Pretty damn sure I'm producing oxytocin now as I walk toward the door.

I hit the entry panel and Kaidan jumps back like the door's electrified.

"Shepard, I was just…"

"Kaidan, I…"

We both take a breath but I'm determined to be heard first because I need to put his mind at rest… somehow.

"I just spoke with EDI and I think there's been a misunderstanding."

His eyes move to the floor and his face slackens a bit. "Oh."

"Yeah. She might have, uh, made a misreading. Look, this'll all be forgotten about by the morning. We've got more important things to deal with. And think about it—everyone who was in the lounge are people I trust and we're all professionals. We can contain this. Let's just… let's just forget about it and move on."

He looks up at me and I know what's coming. "I can't forget about it. Your machine announced to half the senior staff that you and I have got the hots for one another."

"Kaidan, trust me on this. It will go away. I know you're feeling humiliated and I'm sorry I skipped out. I shouldn't have done that."

"Then why did you?"

I think about that and I don't have a satisfactory answer. "I don't know. You know me, I'm not good at dealing with things like that."

"And you think I am?"

"I made a bad judgement call. Didn't mean to leave you hangin'. I'm sorry."

He's watching me and I can tell he's working on steadying his breathing. He's still standing in the doorway and I don't know whether to invite him in or not.

"So how do we deal with this?" he asks.

"I think we need to carry on as normal and not acknowledge it. It'll be old news in a couple of days, forgotten about in a week."

"So you can dismiss it just like that. Call it a mistake. Is that what you're saying?"

He's angry and I don't get why. "I'm trying to save you from feeling embarrassed here. I thought that's what you'd want."

"By saying it was all a mistake? Why would I want that?" He starts pacing and his whole body's rigid. After a moment he looks over his shoulder, steps into the cabin and waits until the door closes. "EDI… EDI wasn't wrong, Shepard. About me, anyway."

I'm looking at him, confused, and my stomach flips over. My mouth's working but I don't know what to… is he saying what I think he's saying? "What are you—"

He brings a hand to his brow and blows out a breath. "I mean how many more hints do I need to drop? I came by to tell you I was sorry, that—that it'd all been a mistake to spare your feelings but hearing you say it… I—I don't want it to be a mistake, Shepard. I can't pretend anymore. I thought you knew. I feel like you've always known."

Kaidan's POV

I can see it in his eyes. He's got the same look he had at the hospital when I flirted with him. Have I just made the biggest mistake of my life?

"Kaidan… I didn't know, I swear."

"Didn't you?" I ask awkwardly, not quite looking him in the eye. "I thought at the hospital I made it pretty clear."

I'm still not looking at him but I glance real quick at his expression. I've never seen that look on his face before and I'm not sure what it means.

"But I thought you were, you know, tanked."

"I was, which is what gave me the nerve to say what I did. Never would have been able to any other time. I don't know how I'm doing it now, I just… I can't keep it inside any longer."

He takes a small step back and covers his mouth and nose with his hands. "Oh, my God." His eyes close. My heart sinks and I know I need to rescue this… need to save face for both of us.

"Look, this doesn't need to be a problem," I say. "I'm just happy we're friends again. Let's keep it that way. We'll forget this ever happened. The last thing I want is for you to be uncomfortable around me."

He uncovers his face and frowns at me, his mouth half-open. "I'm not uncomfortable."

I groan in relief then give a nervous laugh, but inside I'm upset. He's letting me down lightly. "Well, that's something. Thanks. Uh… I guess we just need to brazen it out with the crew, then. How'd you wanna handle this?"

"Kaidan." He steps closer and I feel… I… don't know how to feel. Vulnerable? Naked? I realise I'm breathing heavily and I hold it in. "You're not hearing me." He's about a foot away and I can't look away from him. His eyes are holding me here and I can't… I can't think straight. "I'm not uncomfortable because I feel the same way about you. I always have."

My breath rushes out like I've been kicked in the chest. Our eyes are locked and this is one of those moments you never forget, like when the Normandy went down, but this is… this is good. This is amazing. I feel like…

I always have.

I can't even think anymore. But I do know I'm smiling like a loon.

"Then, ah… I'll ask again. How'd you wanna handle this, Commander?"

"How about you call me 'John' for starters."

I nod, my mouth hanging open, my insides shredded. I go to speak but I can't. I'm looking at his mouth and he's looking at mine. Those lips… I've waited so long…

He makes this noise, low and deep like a growl and I'm rushing at him but he meets me in the middle, pushing me hard against the glass wall of the fish tank and he clutches my face and just… devours me.

I moan into his mouth and snake my hands around his waist, grabbing his belt and pulling him tight against me and then my hands are roaming his back and damn I wish these clothes weren't here! I've never wanted anything so badly in my life. He tastes so good. His tongue's rough and wet and hot, his lips like satin and gravel. He's got me pressed so hard against the glass I can hardly breathe and when I think I'm about to burst…

He pulls away, just a fraction, and we both let out a ragged breath. Then he's on me again but this time it's slower and deeper, his thumbs caressing my cheeks, a rumble of pleasure coming from deep inside of him and oh, man… I—I think I forgot who I am.

Then I taste blood and my eyes fly open.

"Shit, your mouth's bleeding!" I dart away and I'm looking for a tissue… something, but I hear a grunt and I turn back. He's touching the lip Javik split open—which I just split open again—and he's laughing.

"Wow, Kaidan. Never thought you had it in you."

I find a clean tissue and bring it to him. He takes it from me but his hand brushes against mine and it lingers there. I look into his eyes and we're both still panting. "Yeah, well, I'm full of surprises… John."

He dabs his lip with the tissue and smiles at me the best he can. "Yes you are."

"You okay?" I ask in concern.

"Never better." Looks like it's stopped bleeding. He tilts his head to one side and looks at me, all mischievous. "So what should I put in the incident report?"

I clasp my chin with my hand and pretend to think about that. "How about… 'I was assaulted by the guy with the best ass on the Citadel'?"

"Yeah, that'll work." He tosses the tissue at the waste bin and misses it. "Punishment is, you're relieved of duty as of now. So you get to spend the rest of the evening with me."

I stand back and fold my arms, feeling about as exhilarated as I ever have. "Unfortunately that'll leave no-one on duty. I've still got a couple of hours on the clock."

"You're choosing duty over me?" he asks in a mock-serious tone. "Over these lips?"

We're both laughing and I point at his mouth. "I'm choosing your welfare. You obviously can't withstand me in your current condition."

"I think I can manage." He backs me against the door, which opens, and the look on his face as I step away is priceless. He reaches for my arm. "Don't go. Not yet."

"I'll be back later, I promise."

He pulls me close but I don't resist, part of me not wanting this to end. I raise one of my hands and lightly run my fingers along his cheek, taking care not to touch the livid red scar that's carved into it. He leans into my touch, covering my hand with his own and kissing my palm. "Kaidan," he says so sweetly it almost doesn't sound like him, "why didn't we do this a long time ago?"

I shake my head and sigh. Why the hell didn't we? "Now that's a conversation for when we have more time."

"Later?"

"Later."

He gives me a lingering look that turns my knees to jelly. "I'll be waiting for you. Let yourself in." Gives me a quick kiss on the lips then finally lets me go.

I'm walking backward to the elevator and this is ridiculous. We're making eyes at each other like a pair of love-struck teenagers. But yeah, it feels good. Think I manage to leave there with a sliver of my dignity intact.

And I'm good with that.

A little later, once I'm off the clock, I decide to surprise him so I use the bypass code he gave me to gain entry to the cabin. For the past couple of hours my stomach's been in pieces and I've really had to work hard to, uh, not work hard. I've always imagined what a night with him would be like. It's been a fantasy for so long but now it's about to become reality. I know I shouldn't assume things but come on. The way he kissed me didn't leave much room for interpretation.

And… I find him passed out on the couch with five data pads in his lap. So he's a snorer. Huh.

I give him a disapproving look but it doesn't help. I can't wake him, can I? Just stand here for a bit watching him. It's funny, when he's sleeping he doesn't look like Commander Shepard. He looks like an ordinary (but very handsome) guy I happen to have been in love with for the past three years. Maybe if our lives were ordinary, it'd have happened sooner.

But it's happened and I can't help smiling. Got a feeling my life just got a lot more complicated but I'll buckle up and enjoy the ride.

Me and John. It's about time and it feels right.

I move the data pads to the table and pull the top cover off his bed—don't know why because it's not cold in here, I mean the entire ship's climate-controlled—and drape it over him, taking a minute to reflect on how damn corny this is. Hope it makes him smile when he wakes up.

"See you in the morning, John."

Walk out of there feeling on top of the world, even if I'll be sleeping alone tonight.

The following morning, Dholen System, Far Rim (Shepard's POV)

"Shepard, I have detected the activation of your personal alarm. Are you awake?"

I'm between sitting and lying, one leg hanging off the couch, and I've got a nasty taste in my mouth, meaning my breath must be just as sweet. One of my bed covers is twisted around my leg. Did I fall asleep here? Hell!

"Hey, EDI. Everything okay?"

"Yes. We rendezvoused with the quarian envoy ship an hour ago and its captain has sent a personal greeting to your inbox. The Admiralty will be ready to come aboard at 0700 hours, provided this meets with your approval."

I give a huge yawn, stretch, and sit up. "It does. Thanks."

"You're welcome. Should I send confirmation to the quarian ship?"

"No, I'll take care of it myself."

"Understood."

I'm still half-asleep when I stagger to the bathroom and check myself in the mirror. Yeah, that lip's swollen. Kaidan's a real firebrand. But the quiet ones usually are.

I'm grinning at my reflection while I hold my abdomen. I often wake up with butterflies in my stomach but these are the good kind.

Turn on the shower but before I undress I step back into the cabin and cue up my omni-tool. "You awake, Kaidan?"

"Well, good morning," he answers, his face appearing on a small screen. He's smiling and he's not wearing anything up top, so I'm smiling too. "You sleep okay?"

"Sorry about that. Don't even remember falling asleep. Did you cover me up?"

He chuckles. "Snuck in when I went off the clock, but you were, ah, in a very deep sleep."

"Was I snoring? I've been told I do that."

"Oh? Told by who exactly?" His eyes narrow in mock suspicion and damn it, I'm melting inside. Adorable when jealous. Noted.

"Uh… EDI?"

He pulls a face. "Right."

"I notice you're not wearing anything," I say, changing the subject. "You've been working on your shoulders. And arms. And pecs. And that's a nice tattoo. Don't think I've seen that before." I squint and move a little closer to the screen for a better look. Got a dusting of black hair running over those pecs. "Niiiiiice."

"Why, Commander." He covers his wine-coloured nipples with his hand and forearm but he's biting his lip and trying not to laugh. "I really don't think this is appropriate. I mean we haven't even had breakfast yet."

"Then let's rectify that. Grab something and meet me up here in… 40 minutes? We'll be entertaining the quarian admiralty in a while and you're coming with me."

"Am I gonna need my dress blues?"

"Uh-uh. Come as you are."

"That's not gonna happen."

"Just tell the crew you're going for a run. New research. Clothes are bad for the skin."

"No."

I smile at him. "39 minutes."

"I can't wait," he says in a husky voice that I'm really going to need to hear again. Soon.

He cuts the link and I take a seat at my private terminal, sending a reply to the quarian captain and arranging an escort for the delegation. Before jumping in the shower, I scan the rest of my emails and…

There's a new one from Wrex.

I stare at it and the warm, fuzzy feeling I woke with is a distant memory. I open it, wondering what I'll find.

The title reads: Making babies is fun.

I read the rest of it and start to feel a very real fear as I get to the end. Not fear of Wrex finding out—if that happens I doubt I'll even know about it.

I send an update request to Padok Wiks and head back to the bathroom, where I catch sight of my reflection again.

This time, I'm not smiling. I'm going to need to tell Kaidan about Tuchanka because if it ever gets out and he didn't know...

Only he won't see it the way Garrus did. He can't, because he's not wired that way. It's one of the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place, and it's about to bite me in the ass.

I strip off and step into the shower, the butterflies returning. And this time, they're not the good kind.

War Room, 0712 hours (Kaidan's POV)

Okay, I gotta admit that seeing Shepard, or John as I'm now calling him, like this is just a bit exciting. The entire quarian admiralty's in the war room—something that would intimidate even the most seasoned officer—but there's no doubt about who's really in charge here.

"Tell me what's wrong with this statement," John begins, his arms crossed as he stares down Admiral Han'Gerrel. "The Reapers have already laid waste to Earth and Palaven and soon they'll be knocking on our door, but we're just gonna ignore them because we're going to war with the geth for no apparent reason. What the hell is wrong with you people?"

"I quite agree, Shepard," says Admiral Zaal'Koris. "This is a fool's errand, one that will bring nothing but devastation and misery to our people."

Han'Gerrel's quick with his argument. "The only fool I see is standing right in front of me, Zaal'Koris! We must meet the geth threat or there won't be any people left to be miserable, devastated or otherwise!"

"What threat?" John interrupts. "You're the ones going after them!"

"Yes, and they are retaliating with devastating force," Admiral Raan points out.

Well, even I'm dumbfounded. "Can you blame them? You think they're just going to lie down and surrender? Would you?"

John turns his back on the admirals and shakes his head. Admiral Xen, who's been quiet so far, says her piece. "Semantics are irrelevant. The fact remains that we are engaged with the geth, who have been upgraded with Reaper code."

She touches her omni-tool and a complicated-looking schematic appears in mid-air. John's pissed but this kind of thing's right up his alley and he turns around, examining it for a minute.

"How are they doing this?" he asks Xen.

"A signal is being transmitted from the dreadnought but its source is unknown. A small team could infiltrate the vessel and disable the signal."

John nods slowly, a wry look on his face. "Let me guess—this 'small team' consists of Normandy personnel. Am I right?"

Admiral Raan, who seems to be the diplomat in the group, answers. "You and your team are uniquely equipped to deal with this threat, Commander, as you are experienced in fighting the Reapers."

"And your people are experienced in fighting the geth, but I don't see any quarians willing to risk their asses here." John looks at me and I could swear he winks. "I think we're done. I wanted help against the Reapers but the Alliance isn't prepared to get involved in your war with the geth. You're on your own."

He turns to leave and I follow, trying not to smile. He's got the quarians over a barrel and it doesn't take long for one of them to panic.

"Commander, we cannot offer assistance at the present time," says Xen, still managing to sound like she doesn't give a rat's ass about anything, "but once the signal is disabled and the geth defeated, you will have our fleets at your disposal."

John stops and takes his time turning around. "What do you think?" he asks me just loud enough for them to hear.

"Excuse us," I say to the quarians, and we step out for a bit. Once the door's closed, I raise an eyebrow at him. "Is this really necessary?"

"Yeah, it's necessary. They think they can come aboard my ship, having already decided that my crew's going to fight their war for them? Damn right I'm gonna make them sweat."

"Well, when you put it like that." We lean against the wall side-by-side. "Do quarians sweat?"

"Wouldn't know. Sure as hell wouldn't want laundry detail on those suits, though."

"Okay, and now I can't take them seriously." I glance at him and he's smiling. "You're being a brat, you know. How long do you plan on keeping them waiting?"

"Wanna grab lunch?"

Now I'm laughing. "We had breakfast 45 minutes ago!"

"Brunch?"

"Get your ass back in there." I give him a shove and we stand in front of the door. "Lose the smile, Commander."

"Copy that, Major."

We walk back in, deadly serious. I don't say another word because I might laugh and ruin the mood.

"We'll disable the signal," John says, "but I want one of your people along. If you expect my crew to risk themselves for you, you're gonna share that risk. Let's call it a team-building exercise."

The admirals look at one another and Raan answers. "I believe our newest admiral can assist you, Commander."

Strangely, as if pre-arranged, the door behind her opens and out walks an old friend. I see the look on John's face and although he's happy to see her, I doubt he appreciates the way Raan announced her.

We both walk up to her. "Good to see you Tali," John says genuinely. I smile at her and she dips her head in acknowledgement. "How've you been?"

"We'll talk later, Shepard, Kaidan. Let's get that signal disabled first."

Well that doesn't sound like the old friendly Tali but John seems to understand. "Agreed. Meet you in the hangar bay in fifteen minutes."

"Will do." She turns her back on us and goes to talk with the other admirals. John nods toward the door and we leave.

"What do you make of that?" he asks me.

"I'd say she's keeping it professional for appearance's sake."

We start walking toward the CIC. "That's what I thought. Hope they're not using her by slapping an admiral title on her to get us onside. Those bastards took her name off of her and now she's useful to them?"

"Guess we'll find out soon enough. Who'd you want along?"

He thinks for a few seconds. "Garrus wanted to run a diagnostic on the weapons array this morning so he's out. If we're engaging the geth I want someone extra along and I need people who can strip shields. You, me and EDI are best equipped for that. That gonna be okay?"

"Sure. So long as she's not giving a running commentary on how fast my breakfast's being turned into crap."

He shakes his head. "We had a little talk before you came up. To be fair, she normally doesn't broadcast stuff like that. She thought she was being helpful."

"Well, I guess she was this time." We smile at each other and keep walking. When we get to the barrier door John lets out a sigh. "You okay?" I ask.

"Yeah, just… I'll talk to you about it later."

I touch his arm and he stops. "Wait, are we okay? You don't regret what happened last night, do you?"

"Hell, no!" I laugh in relief and he looks around before clutching my shoulders. "If you think I regret that, you're crazy. The only thing I do regret is falling asleep after."

"You're not the only one. Maybe we can make up for it later?"

He sighs again and looks at me seriously. "I hope so. Let's get the dreadnought taken care of and then… let's just get it done."

He steps ahead and the doors open. While we wait to be cleared, I touch my earpiece. "EDI to the hangar bay."

"At once, Major."

I wish we had more time. Something's bothering him and I don't know what it is. Hoping this means he's starting to see me as his 'shoulder' again. Whatever it is, I'm here for him and I know we'll figure it out together.

War Room, after disabling Reaper signal

Tali and I have already given Han'Gerrel a piece of our minds after he tried to blow up the dreadnought while we were still on board, but John's talking with Hackett. Feels like a storm's coming. Gerrel seems to think John will understand but he doesn't know John like I do. The guy's in big trouble.

I get my answer when John comes down the steps, two at a time. He makes a beeline for Gerrel and walks right into him, but there's no emotion on his face. Think he just wants to scare him.

"Tali, how'd you remove these damn masks?" he asks, his hands coming up to Gerrel's face, who tries to wriggle away but John's got him pinned against the table.

"No, Commander! You could kill him!" Raan protests, trying to squeeze in between them as they grapple.

Tali, Xen and Zaal'Koris don't do a thing. If I didn't know better, I'd say they were enjoying this. Although… EDI and I aren't exactly rushing to Gerrel's rescue, either.

"Well that's funny," John says, his nose about an inch from Gerrel's mask, "I was saying the same thing while we were aboard the dreadnought and you were ignoring our comms. 'He's trying to kill us!'"

"The dreadnought was completely vulnerable!" argues Gerrel. "That was our best chance at taking it out!"

I wince. Wrong answer.

John steps back and raises his gun, aiming it at Gerrel's head. "Nobody endangers my squad."

The quarians freeze and you could hear a pin drop. Now I'm a little worried. I need to trust that John won't do anything stupid, but still. "I don't think those masks can withstand a shot at point-blank range, Commander."

"I know. I checked."

Now Gerrel looks scared. His arms are in the air and he's almost bent backward over the table. "Shepard, there's no need for—"

"Doesn't feel good, does it?" John asks in a deadly tone. "Knowing you're about to die?"

"You've made your point, Commander," Gerrel concedes, his voice strangled. "Next time I'll be more… circumspect."

John keeps the gun raised for a few seconds more before lowering it. "Make sure there is no 'next time'."

He holsters his gun and leaves. Gotta admit I breathe a sigh of relief.

Captain's Cabin, later that day (Shepard's POV)

Just got done talking with Tali and now Kaidan's on his way. After my little display earlier I get the feeling he's not coming up to seduce me.

Not my finest moment, holding one of the Admiralty at gunpoint, but I had to make sure Gerrel got the message. My squad is made up of the people I trust the most, my friends, and anyone who threatens them's not getting off lightly. Gerrel's a veteran so he needed a little more convincing than the average person.

Don't think Kaidan approved, though, and I think he's about to tell me that.

He doesn't let himself in this time but pushes the entry panel. "Come in."

I'm seated at my terminal when he enters and he's looking serious. "Hey there."

"Hey, Kaidan. You okay?"

"Was about to ask you the same thing, actually."

I stand up and gesture for him to join me in the seating area. I sit on the large couch and, to my relief, he also sits on it but leaves a little space between us.

"About earlier," I begin, but don't get the chance to finish.

"You reacted emotionally, John. Gerrel was wrong, really wrong, but I don't think we need to stoop to his level to get our point across. I didn't like what I saw. It wasn't you."

"Okay." I was expecting this, and I know he's picking his words very carefully, but I'm surprised by how hard they hit me. "We spent a long time apart, Kaidan. A lot happened. Things have changed. I've changed. You said as much on Horizon."

He shakes his head, agitated. "We are not bringing Horizon into this. You wanted me as your XO and one of my jobs is keeping you on an even keel. You were that close to losing control with Gerrel."

"Kaidan, he opened fire on the dreadnought knowing we were still aboard. I needed him to understand that my people are not expendable."

"And I get that, but there's a way of doing things. Hell, I felt like pulling my gun on him myself, but I didn't. You did and that concerns me. I'm not questioning your command style, John. I'm worried about you."

I sit back a little but he stays on the edge of the couch.

"Look, I'm not totally naïve," he continues. "I know you're doing whatever it takes to get assets for the war. I know you've done a lot of things I probably wouldn't approve of and that's fine. If I were in your place I'm not sure I'd be up to the job. It's just…" He reaches for one of my hands. "I don't want you to lose yourself. I care about you. I've always cared about you and the man I saw in the war room isn't the man I remember."

I squeeze his hand before releasing it and I sit forward, inching closer to him. "You weren't around during the Collector campaign and no, that's not a dig at you. Things happened during that time and they changed me."

"Like what?" he asks quietly.

I take a minute to answer. "Okay… Cerberus and the Illusive Man betrayed us, and I was expecting that all along, but he put my people—my friends—on the line time and time again and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. I couldn't touch him, I couldn't even threaten him because nothing ever worked on him. He's the coldest son of a bitch I've ever known. I spent most of that time feeling angry and frustrated and it grew inside of me like a cancer.

Then there was the Collector Base. The Collectors took most of the crew only… we didn't get to them in time. Dr. Chakwas was the only one who survived. We had to watch, Kaidan, as they dissolved in front of our eyes. They just… disintegrated. We couldn't get those fucking pods open fast enough."

"Hey." He scoots closer and lays a hand on my back. "So… you lost another crew."

I nod and my hands are trembling so I mesh my fingers together. "It was a Cerberus crew but they were still people. People I talked to every day. People who had families. People who depended on me to keep them safe. I didn't. I delayed going to the Collector Base because I wanted to build up my team. That decision meant I saved 12 people but… we lost a lot more than that. Illusive Man called their deaths 'regrettable but necessary'. They weren't necessary, Kaidan. I could have saved them if I'd acted sooner."

"You did what you thought was best at the time. It wasn't your fault, John."

"Doesn't matter whose fault it was. This is who I am now. I hate Cerberus and I hate the Reapers and there is nothing I won't do to stop them. I want to be with you more than anything but I'm not the same man anymore. I've done things that you wouldn't just disapprove of, but that would disgust you." I look him in the eye. "Before we take things further, you've got a right to know. I don't want any secrets between us."

I hear him exhale and he places his free hand over his mouth, nodding. "All right," he says after a pause, uncovering his mouth. "Give me the worst of it."

I close my eyes for a second, knowing this could end things before they've even started, but I won't lie to him. "Mordin Solus wasn't killed in the explosion at the Shroud."

He's silent for a bit and I know he's thinking, unravelling every scenario his mind can come up with. "Do you mean he's not dead or that something else killed him?"

"Someone killed him, Kaidan. Someone he called a friend."

Now I can't even hear him breathing. There's no reaction at all. Then I hear his feet. He's up and pacing. I look up and he's got both hands on top of his head, facing me but not looking at me.

"You."

"Yes."

"Okay. Why?"

That's not a request. I know he's doing his best to look like he's not judging me but he can't manage it. He's outraged but it's all held inside, in a tight ball in his gut.

"Guess I should look you in the eye when I tell you," I say, and he nods, his lips in a tight line. He goes to cross his arms but changes his mind and lets them hang at his sides, his fingers flexing.

I lick my lips. "Salarians sabotaged the genophage cure. I made sure it wasn't fixed. That was the price of the salarians joining the war effort."

He blinks and shakes his head. "But the genophage was cured." Then his face drops and he looks me right in the eyes. "At least… the krogan believe it was."

"It wasn't."

He's staring at me, his mouth half-open. Then he starts to pace again, one hand on his brow. "So let me get this straight… the krogan are celebrating over something that never actually happened?"

"Yes."

"You lied to them? To Wrex?"

"Yes."

"No. No. There's no way you'd get away with that. What about when the krogan realise they're not getting pregnant? What about when the attrition rate doesn't fall? What happens then?"

"The salarians have fabricated evidence that will 'prove' the cure was flawed from the start. The krogan will discover the truth, but it's unlikely they'll do so until after the war."

"By which time they'll have joined the war under false pretences? My God, that sounds so… so…"

"Callous? Yes. I know."

"But you say it so matter-of-factly, like it's today's lunch menu." There's bitter disappointment in his voice and I make sure I keep mine even when I answer.

"How else can I say it, Kaidan? Would it change anything if I was upset?"

"No, I suppose it wouldn't." Now he's turned his back on me and resumed pacing. "So how does Mordin Solus figure into all this?"

"He tried to stop me."

He turns back to look at me. "Tried?"

I nod.

He closes his eyes and turns away, just standing there. I slowly get up but don't approach him. What else can I say now? How could this possibly get any worse? Kaidan isn't me. He isn't Garrus. There's no way back from this. He won't be able to accept it.

"Did you—did you even try to incapacitate him first?"

"I did." I shake off the memory that comes into my head because Kaidan needs the truth. "But he was too fast and time was running out."

"I… I just… I don't know what to say here. I mean I understand that… I'm not saying you didn't have your reasons, I'm just finding this difficult to assimilate."

"I know."

"Why are you telling me this?" he asks, sounding confused and hurt. I want to touch him, put my arms around him but I feel like I just gave up that right. "Why now?"

I move in front of him, keeping some space between us. "Because you're a good man, Kaidan." I raise a hand and rest it against his cheek. "I admire and respect your integrity but I can't afford it. You need to know the truth before anything else happens between us. You need to be free to decide whether anything will ever happen between us."

He gives a small nod and stares at the floor, frowning heavily. "That's the worst of it?"

I take my hand away from his face. "That's the worst thing I've ever done."

"I appreciate you being straight with me." He glances at the door and I know he wants out.

"I guess you'll need some time," I say. "Or… maybe not."

A breath rushes out of him and I can see he's getting agitated again. "What did the salarians give you? I mean I'm not saying… I—I guess I just need to… figure all this out in my head. See if it was worth it. I dunno."

"We acquired the Salarian First Fleet. Every one of their ships has IES stealth technology."

"What? How? I thought only the Normandy had those capabilities?"

"Word is, STG acquired schematics of the Normandy's stealth systems and the algorithms behind the SR-2's Reaper IFF signal. However they did it, the salarians have dreadnoughts with stealth capabilities. So yes, from a tactical standpoint, it was worth it."

"And from a moral one?"

I blow out a breath. "That depends."

"Oh, come on! I don't buy this 'You're the good guy, Kaidan, and I'm not'. That doesn't make it any more acceptable. Are you seriously saying it would have been more wrong if I'd done it? Because I'm supposed to be 'good'?"

"I'm not saying that at all, I just—"

"No. Just stop." He closes the gap between us and squares up to me. "I need to know if you feel any regret, any remorse, over this. If you think about Mordin Solus at all, or if he's just collateral damage or a casualty of war or whatever it is you tell yourself to justify this."

I hold his gaze, again feeling a strong need to touch him, but I don't. "I think about Mordin almost as much as I think about you. And that's only because thinking about you makes me feel better. If you really want to know, I don't justify this. I'm trying to make sure we get as many people through this war as possible by any means possible."

"Would you do it again?"

After a beat, I nod once.

"And what if it came down to, say, me against a fleet? Would you kill me?"

"No," I say decisively.

"Why not? Why Mordin and not me?"

"You know why!"

He looks down at his feet and I know there's a war of a different kind going on inside of him. "How did you kill him?" he asks in almost a whisper.

"It doesn't matter how."

"It matters to me."

I pinch the bridge of my nose and close my eyes, as if I can shut out his reaction. "I shot him in the back."

I open my eyes and he nods, chewing on his lip for a second before looking up at me. "That must be difficult to live with."

"How I feel doesn't matter. I don't matter. What matters is winning this war, Kaidan. What matters is eradicating the Reapers once and for all. People can judge me how they want. In a hundred years I'll be dead and gone but organics will still be around. I'm not letting the Reapers win!"

We're both upset but I'm expressing it and he's not. He's internalised it. His expression's hard but his breathing's slowing down. He's got this down to an art and it's not healthy.

"Kaidan, say something. Yell at me, hit me if it makes you feel better. Just… just don't walk away feeling like you do."

When he replies his voice is flat, steady, controlled, meaning he's pushed it all down. "I'm just having a problem finding anything good in this."

"There might be something, if you'll let me show you."

He gives a slight nod and I lead him to my private terminal, opening the most recent correspondence from Padok Wiks. I let him read every single email and I see his frown deepen.

"It was never my intention to stop the genophage cure," I explain. "I only wanted to delay it to get the salarians. Padok Wiks has all the components of the cure, we just need to figure out a transmission vector."

"When are you thinking of releasing it?"

"Not until after the war, and only if Urdnot Wrex is still alive."

He shakes his head. "So you're playing God."

"That's one way of looking at it."

"It's the only way of looking at it." He steps back from the screen. "So this way you'll only be double-crossing the salarians?"

"I'm fine with that. Just playing them at their own game."

"Yeah." He nods, his eyes fixed on the desk. "I can see that." He heaves a sigh and looks toward the door again. "I'm going to need to, um…"

"I understand." I step aside and he walks right past me, his head down. "Kaidan," I say. He stops but doesn't look back. "I've done a lot of things in my time and lied to a lot of people. But I've never been able to lie to you, and I never will, even if it hurts you. I'm sorry."

He stands there for what feels like a long time. Eventually, he turns his head back a little. "Thank you."

Then he walks out of my cabin and I don't see him for the rest of the day.