Chapter 10: Coming Full Circle

Damning myself to hell. It had been a constant thought on my mind for the past couple hundred years. It seems almost like a better idea to just damn myself to hell then survive another couple hundred years as the demon's slave. Castille has told me a thousand times that if I can get my freedom, my mortality back, I can continue my life the way it was. But, after working for so long and so hard to gain this, I'm just beginning to doubt that it will ever happen.

I looked up and gave a tight smile to both Sam and Dean. They both looked at me with an expression of awe on their faces. Sam's especially told me I needed to continue, continue in order to understand.

"What.... What happened next?"Sam's voice was quiet but tight, as though he was restraining some thought. I took yet another deep breath and began to finish the lengthy story I had begun to tell.

"It continued like this. For years and years, centuries upon centuries. It went on like this. Me, watching these kids from a distance, seeing their watching them develop into adults, seeing them fail the demon's expectations and dying at his hand. It took me a while, but after a couple of my assignments, I learned how to fight. I learned self defense, and how to use a weapon. Combat training, spells, magic, you name it, I learned it."

"I traveled everywhere, seeing everything. With each new assignment came a new place, a new world to discover. It was my one pleasure in this Hell I was banished to. I think... I think the demon liked seeing my face give a little positive emotion. Once the Americas were discovered, I made my way to the colonies and have been here ever since.' I had to giggle at the sound of my own voice. They looked at me questioningly, trying to discover my reason for laughter. 'It's been so long since I've heard my own voice. I mean, I've been here, for so long, pretending to fit in, for so long, my voice..... it's lost it's accent. I can't tell you how weird that is." My giggling was incessant. How had it been centuries without me even noticing it?

"So, there is where I have been. Watching people, kids with gifts. It's been simple, boring for the most part. Until...." I bit my lip and adjusted myself on the bed. Sam and Dean sat across form me, waiting for me to continue. I blushed, unsure of how to continue my merry little story.

"Until what?" Dean just seemed edgy. I suppose, from what Sam told me, this was a really typical attitude for him.

But, I didn't know how exactly to answer that question. I could feel a deep blush spread across my face and as I looked down to exam the seam that held my jeans in place. I knew Sam was gazing at me, looking at me, trying to read me. He used to be able to do that, just look at me and know what was going on in my head. I missed that. Thinking of this only made me blush more. When I looked up, into his eyes, I could tell he was thinking it too. So, I stared deep into his eyes, and told him the absolute truth.

"Until I met you, Sam.' My voice didn't waver and I continued to stare him in the eyes, for several seconds after I should have broken it. The eye contact didn't stop until Dean gave a short whistle, drawing us back to the real world. The embarrassment only added to the blush. 'Meeting you Sam, it changed my eternity."

"The demon... he came to me, right before your freshmen year. He told me that you were special, more so than any of the other kids I had been sent to watch. You meant more to him, and I could see that you... you were important to him. He said that because I had a soul and was good, I was better at watching the real potential kids, rather than just babysitting the wannabes. He got me enrolled at Stanford with you, and he made sure that our dorms were directly across the hall from one another. All he asked was that I befriend you. He didn't say to get close, but just to make sure we knew each other and stuff. It felt like just any other job to me. So, I went into it just like I would any other time, but.... when I met you, it changed everything."

I stood, and walked to the window. I positioned myself so that my back was leaning against the wall, and I was staring out the window to my right. my hands were right before my stomach, my fingers twirling around each other. I didn't know how to explain this part to him. This was the part I had been afraid to share. It was the biggest betrayal of all, and I was afraid that Sam could never and would never forgive me for such a lie.

"Sam, I.... the day I met you, my life changed.' I looked down, staring at my fingers, remembering the day I met the love of my life. I smiled a little. 'Do you remember the first time I met you? I came out of my room the same time you did. I can remember shutting my door, and looking up and seeing you. I just remember thinking you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. You looked up with me, while I stood there staring at you, and smiled. It was... the most perfect moment in my life."

"Yea,' Sam smiled a little, and I knew he was recalling the memory himself. As the warm color in his eyes began to glow, I recognized the Sam I loved from so long ago. 'Yea, I remember".

"You smiled and you were about to say something when Ryan came out. I can still see him wearing that ridiculous zombie costume on Halloween. Do you remember?' I giggled for a moment, and continued to do so when I saw the corners of Sam's mouth turn up as well. 'Anyway, I can still see you sitting and starring at me as Ryan flirted on and on. You looked so, pissed off. I didn't say a thing, but you just stared at me, and I kept looking back at you. I swear...."

"Okay okay... back up.' Dean interrupted me with a huge step forward, fed up with our talk. 'If you're going to get into this lovey-dovey crap, I'm getting the hell our of here.' He put his coat on and turned to leave through the motel door. 'Just give me the cliff-notes version when I get back, 'k Sammy boy?" He smacked Sam on the shoulder and left, the Impala keys in hand.

We sat in silence after he left. Unsure of what to say maybe, or perhaps he was taking the time to think about the memories that were long behind us. Thats what I was doing.

"I remember... you were wearing that white tank top and jeans.' Sam smiled, looking down at his hands as I stared at him. He smiled down, recalling the memory fondly, or so I could only hope. 'You looked, so... so... sexy." With that, we both laughed out loud. We had recalled that memory so many times during our relationship. It was just ironic to mention it now. I was giggling so hard, I had to sit on the window sill, turning to face him now since I could no longer laugh and stay standing.

"Ryan just kept talking and talking and talking,' I managed to giggle about it. 'You just rolled your eyes. And when you left with Ryan, after he was done rambling on, you gave me the sweetest smile.' He gave a small smile, still gazing down. 'Just like that one." I added that last part on rather quietly.

His eyes looked up at me, and that beautiful smile, the one I loved so dearly, slowly disappeared away from his face. We just gazed at each other. I longed for him, craving to have him wrapt in my arms, with my head tucked beneath his chin. Though the distance between us was only a few feet, it felt like miles. We'd come so far from where we used to be. I'd only been back for a few moments in his life, and already I needed him.

Sam cleared his throat, pulling us both out of our minds.

"You were, ah.. you were saying?' His voice was quiet and wavered a bit. 'I mean, I mean before... that."

"Oh.' I cleared my throat. 'I was just saying..."

The door opened up just then. Castille walked in, as did Dean. I guess we had been talking for a lot longer than I had originally thought. I managed a tight smile, as did Sam. Dean gave us a look of disapproval. I had a feeling Castille had caught him on his way out. I thought I had heard voices outside, so I guess it must have been those two. I summoned the courage to say what I had intended to say before Castille and Dean walked in.

"Sam...,' My voice wavered and I knew I would turn red at what I was about to say next. 'You were supposed to be just another assignment. But I.... I couldn't. I stopped seeing you as an assignment and started seeing you as... well you."

"I feel in love with you, Sam.' My eyes stared to tear up. I held the water back, but the more I thought about how much I love Sam. I couldn't help but cry a little. I couldn't help but allow a few tears to slide down my already red cheeks. 'I was only supposed to be your friend, someone you knew and would talk to every once in a while. But, I couldn't help it. I have lived for hundreds and hundreds of years, and I never once felt the way I did... do about you. I couldn't help it. And once I figured out that you felt the same, after a few dates, after a few months of our relationship, I.... I abandoned my mission, and just decided to be happy for the first time in my life."

I laughed a bit, thinking how silly, how girly I was being. I stood, hugging my stomach. I paced about, still holding myself. I refused to look any of the men in my company in the eye, fearing what I might see in them, as well as to try to spare myself the humiliation of baring out my soul before them.

"For the first time in all my life, I fell in love, and Sam, I don't regret it at all. I cherish every memory, every day, every moment I spent with you.' I stood before him, taking his hands in mine. I dared to touch him, bending down to my knees before him. 'I lied to you, but in truth, I never once remembered my duty to him before he came back.' I began to sob, and he held my hands as tightly as I held his. I could see the tears shining in his eyes. My heart was pounding rapidly. 'Sam, I loved you, I still love you."

"We had the most amazing 4 years together, Sam.' My tears fell quickly, as did Sam's. 'When... when he came back to me, he was jealous. He was angry and mean. He told me, he told me I had failed him, and that he would hold onto my mortality for forever. It was, the worst night of my life.