'Jane?'

'Umm-hmm?'

Maura sat up and twisted around to look at the brunette, who was leaning back against the arm of the sofa and sounding decidedly sleepy. It was late. They hadn't eaten - neither of them had felt like it - and the mugs of tea sat, cold and forgotten, on the coffee table. Maura had been too comfortable to move, leaning back against Jane with the other woman's arms around her, but now she was convinced that Jane couldn't have any feeling left in her legs. And besides...they really needed to talk.

She didn't want it hanging over until the morning.

'Why was Casey here?'

Jane didn't answer straight away, but sighed and ran a hand over her eyes. She didn't look cross, Maura thought, just resigned. And thoughtful.

'Do we have to do this now?'

'Yes'. Maura sounded more decisive than she felt. Part of her still didn't want to know, but she knew it would eat away at her if she didn't get the full story. 'We do'.

Jane looked at her for a long moment, before straightening up and rearranging a cushion behind her back.

'I'm leaving the army'.

Maura just stared at her.

'What?'

'I'm leaving the army', Jane repeated. There was no emotion in her voice apart from tiredness. 'Casey came to talk me out of it'.

Maura knew her mouth was slightly open, that she was still staring at Jane like an idiot, but she couldn't help it. Whatever she had expected, it wasn't that. Jane loved being in the army.

It was her life.

'But...' She blinked, and started again. 'But you love the army!'

'Loved, Maura'. Jane pulled her knees up to her chest. 'Past tense. Not any more'.

Suddenly, Maura was completely lost again. Too many questions were swirling around in her brain, and she couldn't find the words to ask any of them. She felt like she had just recovered from the shock and the emotion of earlier, only to be hit with another round...but this time, she suspected, it actually had nothing to do with her.

She rested a hand on Jane's knee.

'Why?'

Jane didn't answer immediately, and Maura just waited. She was desperate to know, but she didn't want to push.

'I...when I got back from Africa, I wasn't doing so well'.

Jane paused, and Maura narrowed her eyes a little. Wasn't doing so well...

'And after two tours in Afghanistan, I was doing even worse'.

Maura's heart seemed to sink into her stomach. She thought she knew what Jane was saying, but Jane fell silent, her eyes fixed on her knees and her mouth set in a tight line. And this time, Maura couldn't wait.

'Jane?' She squeezed Jane's knee. 'Jane, look at me'.

It took a few seconds, but Jane obeyed.

'PTSD?'

Maura had never felt so relieved as when Jane slowly shook her head.

'No. Not that...not quite, anyway'. She flashed a humourless smile. 'Severe depression and anxiety, according to the experts. But not PTSD. If I'd had that, I would have had to leave before now'.

Maura took a deep breath. Her scientific training, her logical brain, all her research and reading was kicking in, and she was beginning to feel better because of it. The medical conditions were something that she could understand, and they were something that she could help Jane with. And concentrating on the science divorced her a little from the fact that she was talking to her girlfriend, and not just another patient.

'Are you taking anything?'

'I was'. Jane reeled off a couple of names that Maura recognised immediately, and she nodded.

'That seems appropriate...but you're not anymore?'

Jane shook her head, eyeing Maura with a slightly amused look despite their conversation.

'Stopped three months ago'.

'Not all at once?'

'No, gradually'. Jane's mouth twitched. 'Just like I was told to, like a good girl'.

'Jane, this isn't funny'. Maura's eye caught the tea mugs on the table, and suddenly something clicked - something that she hadn't even realised had been nagging at her. 'That's why you were off coffee?'

Jane looked slightly surprised, but nodded. 'Caffeine and the pills...it wasn't a pretty combination'.

'No, it wouldn't have been. Are you sure you should have stopped them, though? How long were you on them?'

'Two years'.

Maura quickly did the math in her head. 'And you came off them over...how long?'

'Maura...stop. Please'. Jane shook her head, resting her hand on Maura's and squeezing it. 'It's fine. I'm fine. I promise'.

Maura swallowed, raising her eyes to meet Jane's. 'Then why are you leaving?'

'Because I can't go back to front line duty'.

The confusion must have shown clearly on Maura's face, and Jane held up a finger, silently asking Maura to let her explain.

'You've been wondering why I work at the IG, right?'

Maura couldn't deny it. It had seemed so unlike Jane to voluntarily put herself behind a desk, and she nodded, slowly.

'Well, there's your answer'. Jane sounded slightly bitter. 'I couldn't go back out there with clinical depression and panic attacks'.

She paused, her finger tapping on the back of Maura's hand in a light, nervous rhythm that betrayed her emotion at talking about it.

'Casey was my commanding officer out in Afghanistan. We were in school together, like I said...hell, we grew up together. He was the posh kid, the one that got teased because he actually did his homework and did what he was told. I looked out for him a bit. We were friends. But he went to college and I didn't, so in the army it all reversed. He was above me, he was the one looking out for me. When we got back from the second tour...he pulled some strings, I guess. So instead of an honourable discharge on medical grounds, I got a desk job'.

Maura could barely take it all in. It was a long time since she had heard Jane say so much in one go and, even though the other woman had spoken slowly, deliberately, as if the words were strange and unfamiliar to her as well, Maura was still struggling. So she just kept quiet.

'And now I'm better, I'm off the pills. I haven't had a panic attack in over a year. And I hate the IG, Maura. I really, really hate it'.

That was the first thing Jane had said that hadn't taken Maura by surprise.

'But at the same time...I don't think I could go back'.

Maura looked up sharply.

'To front line duty?'

Jane nodded, and Maura could see her bite her lip. The admission was quiet, but genuine nonetheless, and she felt herself melt a little. She knew what it must have cost Jane to say that.

'I had orders. About three weeks ago. They're having a big push at the moment with training the Afghan forces and setting everything up for withdrawal, and with my experience with the UN and everything...they wanted me to go'.

Finally, Maura was beginning to understand.

'And you said no'.

Jane nodded.

'I couldn't do it. No matter how much I want to...I can't go back there again'.

And Maura knew that 'there' didn't necessarily mean the harsh hell of Afghanistan. It meant a different hell. It meant the tormented days and sleepless nights of depression, of feeling like the rest of the world was on the other side of a thick glass window and that there was no way through, of being terrified every time a panic attack came and of struggling through the feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness that came afterwards. It might not happen again. But she could completely understand Jane not wanting to take the risk.

'Casey came to try and persuade me to go'.

'He came to persuade you to go back out there?' Maura's disbelief must have shown in her face, because Jane hastened to explain.

'Because if I disobey an order like that, Maura...it means disciplinary at best, discharge at worst. I knew that already, I didn't need him to tell me. So I decided to do it first. I applied for a discharge. He wanted to talk me out of that as well'.

Maura was silent for a moment, trying to let it all sink in. Gradually, the words that she had heard on the stairs came back to her...only now, they made perfect sense.

'Casey...I can't'...'But you know what this means?'...'Yeah, I know. And I'm sorry'.

Jane had been saying that she couldn't go back, even though it meant the end of her career in the army - a career that Casey had nurtured and protected because Jane was his friend as well as his subordinate. And suddenly, Maura was sorry too. She felt terrible.

'God, Jane, I'm sorry'.

'It's ok. It's hardly your fault'.

'No, but...I shouldn't have jumped to the wrong conclusion, and...I know what all this means to you'.

Jane didn't reply, but squeezed Maura's hand again. That said more than any words could have done, and Maura held on tightly. She never wanted to let go.

'So...' She swallowed, a little nervous about asking the question. 'What are you going to do?'

Jane shook her head, a small smile spreading over her face even as, to Maura's amazement and horror, tears filled her eyes.

'I have absolutely no fucking clue'.

'Oh, sweetie'. Without even berating Jane for her language, Maura held out her arms, and Jane shifted to allow herself to be held. Leaning back against the sofa, Jane's head on her shoulder and her arms wrapped around the brunette's back, Maura closed her eyes. It felt good. So good, despite everything.

She had no clue herself what Jane would do, and what it meant for the two of them - if anything. But she was tired of thinking. She could tell that Jane was, too.

All that mattered was that she was there. Jane was with her. And neither of them were going anywhere.