A/N: A number of readers have expressed frustration at the lack of Maura's presence thus far in the story. I ask you this: are you frustrated that she's not there? Do you wish she'd just show up? Do you crave to know what's going on with her? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you understand what Jane has been feeling every moment of this entire story. And that means I've done my job as a writer. ;) Seriously though, Maura has been present in every chapter, if you look hard enough. And I've mentioned in the author's notes several times when to expect her. We're not far off.
My mother was waiting for me when I got back from physical therapy.
"You're early! I still need to take a bath," I said as the nurse wheeled me in. "And where's Jo?"
"Well it's good to see you too!" my mother said. "Jo's at home. I'll bring her next weekend."
"Ma, it's good to see you. But you're early and I smell like sweat and Tiger Balm. And I miss my dog."
"Go, take a bath, I'll watch some television," Ma said, as she ignored my complaining.
The nurse wheeled me into the bathroom, and I took a bath that was somewhat shorter than the baths that I had been taking. I didn't want my mother to wait for too long, but I also didn't want to skimp out on the soothing warmth that temporarily put a stop to the ever-present muscle spasms in my legs.
When I came back out, my mother had set up a little picnic for the two of us on the rolling bed tray. I sat in my wheelchair and she sat in the guest chair.
"Did you check with the nurses before you brought food?" I asked, not wanting to get my hopes up about the delicious smell coming from the bag on the tray.
"I did. And they said you could have liquids and foods that had a pureed consistency. So I brought you some split pea soup and a fruit smoothie. The doctors want you to put on some weight."
"Split pea soup? Ma, that's so gross."
"It's not gross, and it's the right consistency. Just try it. It's good for you."
I took a spoonful and tried not to wince. "It's good, but it hurts to swallow."
"Well wait for it to cool off a little, silly."
I rolled my eyes at my mother and took a sip of the smoothie. It was definitely soothing to my throat.
"Thanks for bringing me lunch."
"You're welcome. I also brought you some pictures you might like to have in the room with you, so it's not so lonely here. And I brought a couple of magazines. The boys said you were looking for something to read."
"Yeah, it gets pretty dull here on the weekends, apparently."
"You could spend your free time thinking of ways to thank Maura."
"Are we going to get started on that again?"
"What happened between the two of you?"
"She got engaged and forgot she had a best friend."
"She didn't forget, Jane. She just didn't have as much time for you as she did before she met William."
"William replaced me in Maura's life. Completely."
"No, he didn't. He didn't replace you at all."
"I don't want to talk about this."
"Well I do, Jane. She's all but my daughter too. She's spent most of the last year in misery. She doesn't understand what she did wrong. She doesn't understand why you walked out of her life right before her wedding. And I can't help her, because I can't explain why you did what you did either!"
"She knows why."
"No, I'm not sure that she does. She needs you to explain it to her. At the very least Jane, give the woman some closure!"
"She has closure. You don't know the entire story, Ma. And besides, I have enough on my own plate right now; I can't worry about her too."
"I don't know what's become of you, because the Jane that I know, the Jane that I love, and who clearly loved Maura, would have never said that. You used to look out for her. Protect her. Go out of your way to make sure she was happy and safe. Nine months ago you walked out on her- on all of us- and now you say you can't worry about her? What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"What's wrong with me? Do you see me? Do you see what my life has become?"
"You forget that you wouldn't have this life if it wasn't for Maura."
"That's right. If it hadn't been for Maura, I would have never left for New York. I would have never had to come back to Boston to testify. I would have never been on that train. And I would not have ended up without two of the most important things in my life- Maura and my career! So I don't know what kind of life you think I have now, but I wouldn't wish this on anyone."
"You can't seriously blame Maura for doing this to you."
"No, I can't blame her. I can't blame anyone, and that's part of the problem. There's nobody left to blame. One person's fatal mistake cost three hundred people their lives, and left me with nothing. There is nobody left to blame."
"You have a lot more than nothing, Jane. How dare you say that?"
"I have no job, no place to live, no best friend, and I can't walk. I'd say that's pretty close to nothing."
"You're going to get through this, Jane."
"And do what? Sit in a wheelchair for the rest of my life?"
"You're going to learn to walk again!"
"Maybe. Nobody has guaranteed that. You heard the doctor in Hartford. It's not going to be possible for me to return to police work."
"You don't know that."
"I know it every time I go to physical therapy. I know it every time I have to ask a nurse to take me to the bathroom. I know it, because I can't get up and walk away from you and this awful conversation we're having."
"You have to think positive!"
"I can't. Because even if I learn to walk again, I probably won't be fit for duty. What am I going to do, without my job?"
"You'll find something else."
"I DON'T WANT TO FIND SOMETHING ELSE! I am not anything else! I am a homicide detective. What would you do if someone told you it wasn't possible for you to be a mother anymore? What would you do? Would you find something else?"
"That's different, Jane-"
"No, it's not different. It's who you are. It's what your entire world revolves around. It's not different at all. A homicide detective is who I am. It's what my entire world revolves around. And everyone has been tiptoeing around the fact that I can't be that anymore. Everyone just keeps shoving false hope up my ass and expects me to believe it."
"Jane."
"No, Ma. Stop. You are not helping."
"I don't know what you want me to do, Jane. I'm not giving up on you. I know you can get better. I know you can get through this. That is not false hope. You're the strongest, bravest, person I know."
"I am not strong enough for this."
"Yes you are, Janie. Yes, you are. I'm going to help you to get through this. And your brothers are too. And Maura will too, if you would just let her."
"I don't understand why she has even done all that she has."
"Because she's your best friend, Jane."
"I really wish that were the case, Ma. But she's not. I was replaced. And that hurts just as much as losing my career does. It hurts just as much as all these broken bones do."
"You're wrong about that, and if you'd just let her back into your life, you'd see that."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because I just can't, Ma."
"That's not a valid answer, Jane!"
"Because I can't look at her and see the life I left behind. I can't look at her and see what I had with her and what I'm left with now. I can't look at her and remember how much I lost. I can't look at her and see how happy she is without me and how much she doesn't need me anymore. And I don't want her to see me. I don't want her to see this pathetic shell of a person I've become. I don't want her to see how weak I am. I don't want her to see how much I hurt!"
"She's a doctor! Do you think she's going to be shocked by this? She saw you while you were practically on your deathbed after you shot yourself. She saw you again after you were brought to Hartford. Do you honestly think she doesn't know what you look like right now?"
"It doesn't matter! I don't want her to see me like this."
"You're ridiculous," Ma said.
"You're driving me crazy."
"You're a fool."
"You're right, I am."
"What does that mean?"
"Exactly what you said, Ma. I am a fool. Or I was. I was a fool to think I ever stood a chance."
"I don't understand, Jane. You're not making any sense."
"None of this makes sense. I want to lie down."
Ma stopped and looked at me for almost a full minute before she got up. "I'll go get the nurse."
They came back a few minutes later, and the nurse helped me into bed.
"Can I please have something for the muscle spasms and leg cramps? They're out of control."
"Sure. I'll see what the doctor has prescribed for you. I'll be back shortly."
"You should finish your lunch," Ma said quietly.
"I'm not hungry."
"You've got to keep your strength up. Your surgery is on the day after tomorrow."
"It's outpatient surgery. I'll be fine."
"Jane-"
"Listen Ma, why don't you go home? I'm done talking for the day."
"C'mon Jane, don't do this."
"Do what, Ma? Live? 'Cause this is my life now. Never ending cycles of guilt about Maura, despair over my career, and physical pain. You wanna spend a day in my shoes? Oh wait, I can't even put on my own shoes at the moment."
"Jane, please."
"Thanks for lunch. I'm going to sleep as soon as the nurse comes back with my medication."
"Janie, stop shutting me out!"
"Then stop bringing up everything that hurts me! Just lay off!"
"I have a muscle relaxer for you, Ms. Rizzoli," the nurse said as she walked in, unaware of what was going on. "This should help with the spasms."
"Thanks," I muttered as she gave me the injection.
"If you need anything, just use the call button," the nurse said as she left.
"Jane, what do you want me to do?" Ma asked.
"Leave me alone."
"I can't, you're my daughter."
"Then stop hurting me."
"I'm not trying to hurt you-"
"But you are. So do me a favor and leave me alone. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with you."
"I know you don't mean that."
"Yeah, I do."
"I'll come see you tomorrow, before your surgery."
"Don't bother."
"Jane Clementine Rizzoli!"
"Don't even go there, Ma. It's not going to work. I'm going to sleep. At least in my sleep, there's no one nagging me."
"I'll be back tomorrow."
"Whatever."
"I love you, Jane."
"Oh please! Could you stop with the guilt trips? If you can't come here and not talk about Maura, then don't come back. If you can't come here and not make me feel guilty about everything, then don't come back. I'm done with this bullshit."
"You should feel guilty! You hurt her!"
"And I don't need you to remind me of it every chance you get! Do you think I don't think about that every minute of every day? You don't know the half of it, and it's none of your business. Butt out!"
"Maura is my business!"
"Then why don't you go home to her house and go be with her? You've always loved her more than me anyway."
"That's not true Jane!"
"We're done here."
"No we're not!"
"Get out before I call the nurses and have you taken out."
"Jane-"
"Just get out!"
"Fine."
And with that, she left.
It took forever for the muscle relaxer to kick in, and when it did, it didn't help much. I felt exhausted but just as cramped as before. It didn't help matters that I was so tense. It just seemed to make the spasms worse instead of better. Soon the spasms were so intense that I felt like they were going to make my legs snap. I used the nurse call button and was surprised at the speed in which the nurse arrived.
"What's wrong?" she asked, concerned by my call. I never called the nurses in. I always waited for them to come around as they were checking on everyone.
"The muscle spasms are so bad, it hurts so much," I groaned.
"Did the injection I gave you before not help?"
"No, they've gotten worse since then."
"Okay, I'm going to call the house doctor. Please try to relax. He should be up shortly."
The house doctor did come up pretty quickly. He examined me and decided I was dehydrated, so he ordered subcutaneous fluids. He gave me another muscle relaxer and a hefty painkiller. I finally fell asleep after he gave me the painkiller.
I didn't like the fact that I had used a painkiller to escape an emotional pain, but that's really all these muscle spasms were. They were a physical manifestation of an emotional ailment. I added that to my list of things to feel guilty about too, as I drifted off into oblivion.
I wound up sleeping most of the afternoon away. The nurse came by to check on my fluids right before the change of shift at eight o'clock. She hooked a second bag up to the IV pole. I had woken back up again, and the spasms in my legs weren't as bad as they were earlier, but they were still there. The nurse got me up and took me to the bathroom to do my nightly routine, then helped me to change into pajamas. She gave me a second dose of painkillers, and I fell back to sleep pretty quickly.
I didn't sleep well though. My dreams were filled with visions of Maura, most of them of her crying. Her crying on the day I told her I was leaving. Her standing in the hallway outside my apartment crying because I was leaving without saying goodbye. Maura standing there and not reacting to my kiss at all. These visions of Maura played on loop every time I closed my eyes.
I woke up frequently and couldn't find a comfortable position for my body. Several times during the night a nurse came in to check on me and I was wide awake each time. Finally at around three o'clock in the morning, the nurse gave me two Benadryl, the only thing she could give me to help me sleep without getting a prescription from the doctor, and I drifted off to sleep.
When the morning nurse came in to wake me at six for my usual day of therapy, I could barely keep my eyes open.
"I heard you had a bad night."
"Yeah," I said quietly. "I didn't get much sleep. The spasms in my legs got really bad, and then I guess I tensed up and everything else started to hurt."
"The house doctor recommended that you not do physical therapy today. We'll take you down to see Dr. Grossberg in a little while, but for now would you like to sleep awhile longer?"
"That would be good, yes."
"I'll bring your breakfast in at eight."
"I'm not hungry."
"You didn't finish your lunch yesterday and you slept through dinner. Please try to have some breakfast. I'm also going to check and see if they want to run another bag of fluids. If you're not eating you're not getting enough nutrients and you're getting dehydrated. If you stay hydrated you'll have fewer muscle spasms."
A little while later the nurse came back with another bag of fluids to hang on my IV pole, along with a muscle relaxer injection and my breakfast. I made a point to eat a few bites in front of her, just to appease her, but as soon as she left I got back under the covers and fell asleep.
Sara was surprised to find me in the room when she walked in.
"Hey, no therapy today?"
"No, the house doctor said my muscle spasms were too bad. I've been on an IV and muscle relaxers all night. I have to see Dr. Grossberg today."
"Oh that's terrible! It's good to get some rest. You'll need your strength for your surgery tomorrow."
"It's outpatient surgery. I'm sure I'll be fine."
"Don't belittle it, Jane. It's still surgery, and you need to be well for it. You had a bad weekend, huh?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Okay. Well, let me know when you want me to get you up and bathed. You're probably not going to be able to take a bath for a couple of days after your tubes come out, so you'll want to go in nice and clean."
"I just want to sleep for now."
"All right. I'll wake you up for a bath before you see Dr. Grossberg. I'll check and see what time they've scheduled you."
"Thanks," I said, and I closed my eyes. It didn't take long for me to fall asleep again.
Sara woke me a few hours later.
"I'm sorry Jane. I know you want to sleep, but you need a bath and your appointment with Dr. Grossberg is in a little over an hour."
"Okay," I grunted as she got the chair ready to wheel me into the bathroom.
My legs were not as bad as they were the night before, but I was definitely feeling run down despite all the sleep I had gotten. I felt weak and light-headed too. Sara actually had to help me bathe for the first time since I initially arrived at the rehab. I could tell she was concerned.
"I hope that this is something minor. I would hate for them to have to put off removing your feeding tube."
"Me too," I said.
She got me dressed and wheeled me back down to the third floor where we waited to be called in by Dr. Grossberg.
Thankfully we didn't have to wait as long as we did the last time we were down there.
"I wasn't expecting to see you back until the end of the week. I heard you had a bad night."
"I did. I don't feel all that well today either, although the muscle spasms have calmed down."
"They gave you muscle relaxers and intravenous fluids, right?"
"Yes."
"What has your diet been like? What did you eat yesterday?"
"I actually only had breakfast. It was oatmeal and pureed fruit."
"You didn't eat lunch?"
"No. My mother brought lunch and I had a few bites but we had an argument and I lost my appetite."
"I see. And dinner?"
"I slept through dinner last night."
"What about breakfast this morning?"
"I didn't feel well enough to eat."
"Well, that's the problem. You're dehydrated and not taking in enough calories. You need to gain weight, not lose it. I'm going to draw some blood and run some tests. I think you may have a potassium deficiency as well."
She took a vial of blood and sent us back to the waiting room. A few minutes later she came out and addressed Sara.
"Instead of waiting here for the results, Dr. Gilfried would like to see Jane. Please bring her upstairs. By the time she is done in there, the blood work should be back."
I groaned, and Sara didn't say anything. She just pushed me into the elevator and we headed back upstairs.
Dr. Gilfried was waiting for me. She thanked Sara and closed her office door.
"Hi Jane."
"Hi Doctor," I said warily.
"I heard you had a bad night."
"I had a bad night, yes."
"And did that bad night result from the argument you had with your mother yesterday?"
"The argument didn't help, but the muscle spasms in my legs had started while I was still in physical therapy yesterday."
"Why did you argue with your mother?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Of course you don't. Unfortunately for you, you don't have a choice. So why did you argue with your mother?"
"What do you mean I don't have a choice? I'm an adult, right? I'm able to refuse treatment."
"Until your revocation of guardian ad litem motion makes its way through the courts, I'm afraid not."
"Are you kidding me?"
"No."
"Jesus Christ. I had an argument with my mother. That happens all the time. I really don't need to psychoanalyze it."
"I'll be the judge of that."
"Seriously?"
"Jane, why haven't you eaten since breakfast yesterday?"
"I argued with my mother at lunch and then the muscle spasms got really bad, so I fell asleep before I could finish eating. I slept through dinner. I didn't feel well this morning so I didn't eat any breakfast."
"What was the argument about?"
"Things that are beyond my control."
"Such as?"
"Lately? Everything."
"You need to be more specific."
"No, I don't have to be."
"Do you realize you sound like a cranky toddler?"
"I thought you said you weren't going to judge me."
"I'm not judging you. I'm merely stating a fact. Answer the question. What did you argue about?"
"What difference does it make? The argument is over."
"Have you spoken to your mother since the argument?"
"No."
"Jane, your mother is your support system. You cannot push her away."
"I can, and will, push her away if she continues to bring up Maura all the time!" I snapped.
"So this is about Maura. You got out of your session on Friday, and we were going to talk about Maura then. Let's talk about her now."
"No."
"Jane, the sooner you get this off your chest, the easier things are going to be for you."
"What makes you think that talking about Maura is going to make me feel better?"
"Because of all the things you could have written in your notebook that first night, the first thing you wrote, the first thing that popped into your head before any other thoughts were the words 'I miss Maura'. That bothered you more than your physical pain, which is what nearly every patient writes about first. It even bothered you more than the threat of not being able to return to your career."
"Maura is clearly a source of anxiety for you. She obviously weighs very heavily on you. So let me ask you what I asked you in our last session: Who is Maura?"
"I told you in my notebook. She's the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts."
"Who is she to you, Jane?"
"She was my best friend."
"Was?"
"Yes, she was my best friend. And... And I loved her."
"Is she deceased?"
"Oh god, no, she's fine. She's not dead. Thank god, she's not dead."
"Then why do you refer to her in the past tense?"
"Because she's not my best friend anymore, and she didn't love me back."
"Don't you think that as your best friend, she loved you?"
"Yes, she loved me as a best friend. But that was it."
"Maybe we need to backtrack a bit. Why aren't you best friends anymore?"
"Because she fell in love and replaced me."
"How did that make you feel?"
"Do you people actually say that? Really?"
"Stop deflecting and answer the question."
"How do you think that made me feel? It made me feel awful."
"Did you ever talk to her about it?"
"Why would I do that? Maura looked so happy. She was happy. I could never take her happiness from her."
"So what happened?"
"I moved to New York."
"What happened between the two of you?"
"Nothing. I left. Got a job in New York and lived there for six months before I was in the train accident."
"You just picked up and left? Did you say goodbye to her?"
"Yes."
"And?"
"And what?"
"Did you even make an effort to keep in touch with her?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I said goodbye. What else was there to say?"
"She was your best friend, and you just walked away from her? Didn't that seem harsh to you?"
"It was necessary. She didn't need me anymore. I doubt she realized I was gone."
"Jane. How can you possibly think that? She was your best friend?"
"Yes."
"And you don't think she missed you? Wondered why you were leaving like that?"
"She was so wrapped up in her world with her fiancé, why would she care?"
"Because she was your best friend."
"But she stopped being my best friend."
"I don't think she did. I think you perceived it that way. Why was her engagement such a source of friction for you?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"You are forbidden to use that phrase again with me. Stop being petulant and answer the question."
I just stopped and looked at Dr. Gilfried.
"Jane. Let me ask you a question. You said just now that you loved her, and she didn't love you back. When we first met, after I told you I was married to a woman, you told me that you thought I might be the best person for you to talk to. I suspect you had romantic feelings for Maura. Am I wrong in my suspicion?"
"No."
"Did she not return those feelings?"
"I didn't get to tell her until right before I left for New York. And she didn't even react, so clearly she didn't feel the same way."
"Why do you assume that?"
"Well, if she felt the same way, wouldn't she have said something? Why would she just stand there?"
"There could have been many reasons for that."
"She was marrying someone else. I already had my answer."
"Why did you wait so long to tell her?"
"I ask myself that question every day."
"Were you afraid to tell her?" Dr. Gilfried asked.
I hated to admit to anyone that I was ever afraid of anything. But one thing I knew more than anything else was that I had feared rejection from Maura more than anything.
I took a deep breath.
"Yes. I was afraid she would reject me, and I would lose the best thing that ever happened to me."
"Let's backtrack again. When she met her fiancé, did she know of your feelings for her?"
"No."
"When she got engaged, did she know of your feelings for her?"
"No."
"What did you do when she started dating her fiancé? What's his name?"
"William."
"What did you do when she started to date him?"
"I encouraged her. She was so happy. They're really perfect for each other."
"And you never said anything to her at that point?"
"How could I? Even if I'd wanted to, I couldn't say anything. She was so happy. All I ever wanted was for her to be happy. And if she was happy with him, I couldn't say anything and risk ruining that for her."
"So you watched her relationship with William develop, and then they got engaged."
"Yes. She asked me to be her maid of honor, and I helped her to plan her wedding."
"How did that make you feel?"
I tried not to roll my eyes, honestly, but I did anyway. "How do you think it made me feel? I was helping her to marry someone other than me. I was crushed."
"And you're sure she never reciprocated your feelings?"
"I thought for a while that she did. But I never tried to find out."
"What happened when you left?"
"She came to my apartment as I was locking it up for the last time. She had been crying. She wanted to know why I didn't say goodbye, though I thought I'd done exactly that two weeks earlier when I saw her at work and told her I'd given notice and was leaving."
"And then what?"
"She asked me why I was leaving."
"And?"
"And I kissed her, and I told her that I was leaving because I couldn't be trusted to not object when the justice of the peace asked if anyone had just cause for why she and William shouldn't be married."
"What did she say?"
"Nothing. She just stood there."
"Do you think she was just shocked?"
"Maura Isles never gets shocked. She's too proper for that. I'm pretty sure she was disgusted."
"But how could you know? Did you stop to ask her?"
"No, I got in my car and drove to New York."
"Did you ever contact her after that?"
"No."
"Did she ever try to contact you?"
"No."
"Hmm. How long has it been since you've seen each other?"
"Well, she came to Hartford while I was in a coma, and she's been instrumental in getting me set up here, and retaining the guardian ad litem for me. But I haven't seen her since the day I left, and that was back in May of last year."
"Why do you think she's doing all of this for you?"
"I don't know. It could be because my mother considers Maura one of her children, because we were that close, and my mother lives in Maura's guesthouse. I think she's doing it more for my mother than she is for me. My mother does not have the financial resources to do any of this, but Maura does."
"Why do you think that? Why wouldn't she be doing that for you?" Dr. Gilfried asked.
"Why would she? I walked away from her two weeks before her wedding. I kissed her, and she couldn't be bothered to react to it. Why would she do any of this for me? I don't mean anything to her. William showed up in her life and took my place. No, she's doing this for my mother, to help her. She still cares a great deal about my mother."
"I think she still cares a great deal about you, too. I think we're going to invite her in for a little chat."
"WHAT? No. No, she is absolutely not coming here. She is not going to see me like this!"
"Like what?"
"Broken! Weak! Ugly and beat up! No, she's not seeing me like this."
"You said she saw you in Hartford when you first arrived. She's also the Chief Medical Examiner. You don't think she knows what you look like? What you're going through?"
"I don't want her to see me like this. And I don't want to see her, all happy in her new life with her husband. I can't deal with that."
There was a knock on the door and Sara stuck her head in. "Excuse me, Dr. Gilfried. Dr. Grossberg is ready to see Jane again."
"Okay. Jane, we're not done with this conversation. When you come back from Mass Gen, we're going to pick up where we left off."
I groaned.
"Good luck with your surgery tomorrow."
"Thanks," I muttered, and Sara wheeled me back down to the elevator.
A/N: Oh the angst! I needed antacids to write this chapter. Guess what happens in chapter 11? Tell me in the reviews. Reviews are love people, and I crave them. :)
Oh, and as always, special thanks to CharlietheCAG for being my ninja-beta extraordinaire.