Proposing to Mikasa proved to be even harder then he thought it would be. How is one supposed to do it? He could hardly just randomly drop on one knee and spurt out the words, which he will most likely fumble up again. They spent all of they time together either at the headquarters or at home. Not entirely the romantic setting he imagined. He considered talking about his little problem with someone. But who? Armin wasn't in contact ever since they visited Annie together. Jean would probably just laugh and used the fact that he can't propose to his girlfriend correctly to make fun of him. Sasha didn't really seem to care about romantic things, if they didn't concern food, so her advice might not be the best one. Connie was the most levelheaded of them all, but he spent most of his time outside on training missions, so he was out of reach at the moment. Going to Levi would be signing his own death warrant. He still remembered how the older man reacted when he told him about Mikasa's pregnancy.
"She is what? "
"Pregnant sir, that means… "
"I know what the fuck it means, "he made a frustrated sound and ran his hands through his hair. "how did it happen? "
"Well sir, if a girl and a boy love each other they sometime… "
Levi jumped over the table and grabbed him by the collar.
"Don't you get smart with me, shithead. Do you realize what you've done? You knocked our best soldier out for what? Nine months? Maybe even more. Do you realize what the child could be? You are a shifter, did u think about what that can mean for the baby? Of course, you didn't. I can't really imagine you making smart decisions while thinking with your dick. "
"My father was also a shifter when I was conceived. And I'm normal. "
Levi snorted at that statement.
"Right, you are completely fine Eren. "
"Sir, excuse me but you are overreacting a bit. Mikasa is not the type to let her pregnancy get in a way of her duties. I think that we will be the ones dragging her out of the field when her state will be too hard to move in. "
He was right of course. Mikasa kept training as long as she could, and even when her belly grew enough for her to admit that swinging around on gear might not be the best thing to do now, she still oversaw the trainings from ground. Her trainees very quickly found out that her pregnancy did not make her soft in the slightest.
"Just get out of my office Yeager. Before I have to murder you. "
"Right away sir. "
Yea, going to Levi might not be the best idea. So, he waited for the perfect opportunity to present itself. After all, there was no rush. Only a little war and his few remaining years to live. No big deal. Later, while training with his squad, Armin came to visit. What a coincidence. But before he got the chance to ask him about Mikasa, general told him some other great news.
"Your proposal got approved, Eren. In full. "
"So that means I can train with Annie? "
"Yes, Historia finally budged. She will allow her to leave the dungeon and shift, under trained guard of course. Also, while she is with you, you are the one responsible for her. So please don't let your guard down. We both know what she can do. "
Eren felt immediate relief upon hearing that. Training with Annie was very valuable to him. But that meant his time would get cut again.
"Armin, what about my squad? I will need someone to train them while I am gone. We don't know how much time we have; every lesson is valuable. "
But the blonde didn't seem very concerned by that.
"Its fine Eren, you have already done a good job. They know the basics. That's all we wanted from you "
Now it was his turn to be surprised. The young ones weren't soldiers. Sure, he gave them the starting military knowledge but that was not nearly enough.
"Armin, they don't know nearly enough. Their weapon prowess is bad, their swordplay is nonexistent, their... "
"Eren, come on, they don't need to know that. Don't you realize? These child solders, these young recruits. We don't have the time or the resources to make them into full fledged army. The more experienced ones are already being molded into one. The ones you train, they are fodder. I'm sorry to say it, but nearly all of them will die in the first stages of the battle. We need something to throw at our enemy to find out about their tactics. Someone to charge into formed enemy lines to disrupt them. "
Eren felt bile rising in his throat. That's what his squad was? A bait? Worst thing was, Armin didn't seem to be affected by the things he was saying. Just another day in the office for him. Telling him that the kids who were drawn to the military by the glorious propaganda, by the promise of being heroes are going to get slaughtered like pigs. General didn't seem to notice his discomfort. He clasped him on the shoulder and bent his head a bit closer.
"You focus on Annie know, that's what is most important. We have a lot of soldiers, but just two shifters. Maybe three. Regarding the kids, just keep doing what you are doing. Don't make them lose hope. See you later. "
With that, he took his leave. Eren was supposed to go train his squad now. But how was he ever supposed to show his face to them again? After the things Armin told him, he feared that he might throw up upon seeing them. They were all going to die, and he was supposed to smile at them and nod on their progress when it was meaningless. Not thinking, he walked. Anywhere but there. Somehow, he ended up at the stables where he collapsed onto a pile of hay, hiding his face in his hands. He didn't even realize he started crying until he felt tears flowing down his cheeks.
"Do you have to cry here? You are startling my kids. "
Eren's head shot up to see Jeans obviously drunk face looking at him over the wall of one of the horse stands. He wanted to shoot something back, but his mind wasn't in the state to crack jokes at the moment.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were here. I just came here to… I don't know why. "
He let his head fall back into his hands.
"Jean, how do you do it. How can you look into their faces and tell them that they will be heroes, that they will do something important when everything that awaits them is death?
Jean made his way out of the stand and sat down next to him. He pulled out a bottle out of his pocket and offered it to Eren, who after some thought accepted and took a swig. He grimaced. Whatever Jean was drinking, it was strong. He handed the bottle back to his friend who drank himself before putting it back into his jacket.
"Eren, there is no answer. Why do you think I drink so much lately? It makes me forget. When I first heard Armin talk about the acceptable losses, I almost fainted. And we can't do anything about it. Because, the cold hard truth is, he is right. We need those sacrifices if we are to succeed. And logically, making the expendables die instead of fully trained soldiers is better. Doesn't make it easier though. I still can't sleep, unless I'm absolutely wasted. I keep seeing all the faces of the kids I train. Dead. Bloodied. Sacrificed for the greater good. It's disgusting, but what do you want to do? Disobey direct order? What would be the point? There are hundreds of other guys willing to dirty their hands. "
Jean looked at him, pain in his eyes.
"We have to win this war Eren, otherwise we are all dead. If they must die to keep everyone alive isn't that worth it? If you could trade lives of a few unnamed guys for Mikasa and Carla, wouldn't you make that trade? "
"Can I take another drink? "
Jean snorted and handed him the bottle. While drinking, Eren was struggling with the truth that was clearly written in his head. He would. Jean took the bottle back and stood, leaving him with more questions then answers.
Later, when he met up with his group, cracking a joke about bad case of ingestion problem when they asked why is he so late, he realized that he can pretend. He can smile on them, laugh with them, praise their progress and help them to fix their failures. He didn't hate himself for it. He couldn't. Some things are just worth dying for. Even if the life sacrificed Is not your own.