The night didn't go as expected for Olivia or Lauren. As much as Lauren wanted to run into Olivia's bed in the middle of the night, she stood her ground and stayed in her bed, staying up most of the night afraid to close her eyes. Olivia was half expecting to see Lauren, but she was surprised that Lauren decided to be the most stubborn little girl in New York and stay in her room. But Olivia slept on the couch just in case Lauren needed her.
Lucy came early to take care of Noah while Olivia and Lauren went over to the precinct. Lauren still hadn't spoken to Olivia. Olivia went in to Lauren's room that morning expecting to have to wake her up, but Lauren had remembered that Olivia told her that they were going to the precinct. So, not being able to sleep, Lauren had got up and got herself ready for the day. Olivia did most of the talking while Lauren just stood around her. There was so much Lauren wanted to say, but not only did she have that thought of being too much to handle hanging in the back of her mind; she also felt very embarrassed about how she had acted.
Lauren is sitting by herself, on the couch, in the kids room of the precinct. Olivia told her on the way there that Dr. Huang, or Dr George like Lauren calls him, wanted to talk to her. Lauren had no response, though. She simply followed Olivia where she was supposed to go and was now sitting, quietly, on the couch waiting for George to come in. Lauren wasn't sure what she was expecting when she arrived at the precinct. Fin and Carisi greeted her the way they always do when they see her, with a fist bump, and Amanda greeted her with a hug. Lauren really wanted to be herself, but she wasn't sure who that even was anymore.
George walks in and smiles softly at Lauren. "Hi, Lauren." Lauren gives him a quick smile as he sits down on the side of her. "It's been awhile since we last seen each other. How are you doing?" He asks. Lauren just shrugs. "I heard that you had quite the experience last week. I am so sorry that happened to you." He says, sincerely. George realizes he was going to have to dig deeper to get Lauren to speak to him. He spoke to Olivia before he came and she updated him on what happened the night before and that Lauren has grown silent since then. "Lauren, I remember the last time we met with each other you drew some really good pictures for me. Do you mind doing that again for me while I ask you some questions?" Lauren nods her head. "Great." George hands her some paper and gives her crayons. Since she has some broken ribs, George wanted her to be comfortable, so he didn't ask her to get down on the floor. Lauren just stares at the blank page while George asks his first question. "You've been with Olivia for over a month now. Do you like living with her still?" Lauren nods her head and begins to draw. "That's good. I know she loves having you there." He catches Lauren's quick glance before she continues drawing. "She told me that you got upset with her yesterday. Do you want to tell me what that was about?" Lauren shakes her head. "Remember when we talked last and I explained how much better you will feel when you let your feelings out? You'll feel a lot better if you tell me. I promise."
Lauren finally looks straight at George. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Why not?" George asks, quickly.
"It doesn't matter."
"It does matter, Lauren. You have a lot of people out there who are worried about you and just want you to feel better." Lauren looks back down and continues drawing. George lets out a breath, figuring he'd skip talking about yesterday for right now. "Lauren, how did you feel when you were away from Olivia?"
Lauren stops drawing, but she doesn't look up. "Scared."
"I bet you were. Do you want to tell me what scared you?"
"I was locked in a closet."
"Did you feel safe in there?" Lauren shakes her head.
"How come?"
"It was dark." Lauren says.
"Did you always stay in the closet?" George asks, already knowing the answer. Lauren shakes her head. "Where did you go?"
Lauren shrugs. "I moved to a different closet a lot." She tells him. "I didn't know where I was." George watches as a silent tears fall down Lauren's cheek as she remembers her time with Ashley. He hated to do this to her, but they were finally getting somewhere. She's finally speaking to him.
"Who would move you?"
Lauren is silent for a few minutes. "Ashley." She whispers.
"Lauren, did you talk to you when she moved you?" Lauren nods. "What would she say?"
Lauren shrugs. "She said a lot of mean things."
"Like what?"
Lauren looks at George. "I don't want to say." She says, desperately.
"Did she tell you that you were never going to see Olivia again?" He asks. Lauren nods. "And did she say that Olivia didn't care about you?" Lauren nods again letting a few more tears escape from her green eyes. "You know that's not true, right, Lauren?" Lauren doesn't answer. "Lauren?" George asks again. "You know that Olivia didn't stop looking for you, right?"
They are both quiet for awhile. George could tell that Lauren was thinking hard about something, and he decided to not speak again until Lauren decided to say something.
"I'm not supposed to be here." Lauren says so quietly that George had to really listen.
"What are you talking about, Lauren?" George asks in confusion.
"Ashley said that I was born to do what she was making me do because my real parents did it." Lauren lets out a quiet sob as she speaks. "She said that I am never going to be adopted because I am supposed to be making money for people. She said that 'Livia just wants me so I can keep Noah entertained." George didn't dare speak, afraid that if he did, Lauren would stop talking to him altogether. "She told me I'm supposed to grow up to be like them."
"What did she make you do, Lauren?" George asks, cautiously.
Now Lauren's face was drenched with her tears. George knew that Olivia was watching from behind the one way mirror and knowing her so well, he knew she was trying desperately not to go in and comfort Lauren.
"She-she- would lock me in a room with a man. He would do things to me like my old foster parents would do to me. I-I didn't want- want to do it." Lauren sobs. "I'd try to fight them away, but-but they were so strong. But, then-I stopped fighting."
"Why, Lauren?"
"Because the man with Ashley would beat me because I didn't make enough money for them." Lauren says with anger.
"They should have never done that you, Lauren. You know that, right?" George asks. Lauren just shrugs. "Lauren, what they did to you was very, very wrong, and what Ashley told you was very wrong, too. Olivia loves you very much."
Lauren shakes her head. "Once an orphan, always an orphan." She cries out.
"Lauren, who told you that?"
"Ashley." Lauren cries out more. "Once an orphan, always an orphan. Once an orphan, always an orphan." She continues to repeat over and over again. He lost her. There was nothing he could say to stop her. Moments later the door opens and Olivia runs in.
"Lauren." Olivia runs to her and kneels down in front of her. Lauren is covering her ears and repeating 'once an orphan, always an orphan,' ignoring Olivia's pleas to stop. She pulls away from Olivia, bringing her knees to her chest. "Lauren, please, stop." Olivia begs.
"Just send me back! I'm not supposed to be with you!" Lauren yells at Olivia.
"Yes, you are!" Olivia yells back. She sits on the couch and pulls Lauren to her, but Lauren is fighting against her, trying to get away, but Olivia is not letting go. She knows Lauren is probably hurting her ribs more, but that's something they'll have to take care of once Lauren finally calms down. Right now, all Olivia wanted to do was hold her and keep her still. "You're supposed to be with me, baby. I love you so much."
Lauren continues fighting against her. "I'm too much! I'm too much!" She repeats. Olivia and George look at one another.
"No, you're not, sweetheart! You are just enough." Olivia holds Lauren tighter. She has her arms wrapped around Lauren's arms to keep her from trying to pull away, and she has her sitting on her lap so she doesn't run. "You are enough. You are enough." Olivia repeats, quietly, into Lauren's ear as she rocks her back and forth while Lauren continues to repeat that she isn't enough. Olivia wonders where all this is coming from. She knows from Ashley, but they were fine in the hospital. Lauren wanted Olivia around, not taking her eyes off of her. But, now, Lauren was afraid to be with her. What triggered this?
While Olivia is trying to calm Lauren down, George grabs the picture that Lauren was drawing earlier, and takes a look at it. It's a picture of stick figures, but he could see that Lauren drew herself holding hands of two other people, and on the other side of the page is a picture of Olivia and Noah by themselves. In the middle of the pictures, Lauren wrote the word 'goodbye' as if she is telling Olivia and Noah goodbye. He shows Olivia the picture while she is still rocking a now quiet Lauren who is still crying into Olivia's arm. Olivia lets more of her own tears fall as she looks at the picture from afar, and she holds Lauren closer, unsure of how much closer they could get, but what she did know was that she was not going to let Lauren go. No matter how hard she tries to get away.
Lauren tired herself out from all the crying and fighting she was doing, that she fell asleep in Olivia's arms. Olivia did not want to let her go, so she held her for another thirty minutes before deciding to place her in her office, on the couch, while she talked to George.
"It's simple PTSD, Liv. What she experienced triggered it; not that it fully went away before, but it just built up more." George explains to Olivia as they sit in the squad room.
"But she was fine at the hospital. I don't understand. She was speaking to everyone. She didn't want me to leave her. And, now, she wants nothing to do with me." Olivia says with so much frustration. She isn't used to not being able to help people, or people not wanting her help. And, since it's her kid, it's even more frustrating not knowing what to do.
"This may not even be about you, Liv. Probably something she heard triggered a memory from her time away. We may never know until Lauren decides she wants to tell us. But, just know, there is something more than what she said in there. Lauren is very distraught about something."
"Then why is she pushing me away?"
"It's easier." George shrugs. "I wish I had a better explanation for you. I really do. But even I am little confused. A lot of damage was done while she was gone. And maybe she is pushing you away because she doesn't want you to know. She's afraid of being sent back, Olivia, and I don't think that's something that will be fixed by just telling her she isn't going anywhere. It was easy for Ashley to go to her school and simply tell her that you didn't want her anymore, and she took her. In her mind, that can happen again."
"What do I do?" Olivia asks.
"Don't let her push you away. I know I said this before, but make her believe she isn't going anywhere. How are the adoption papers coming?"
"They're still working on them."
"That may be the way to fix her."
Olivia take a deep breath. "I've never known how not to help."
George smiles. "It all changes when it becomes your daughter."
Olivia smiles back. "Daughter." She laughs, slightly, at the thought.
Olivia walks into her office and sits down on the coffee table, in front of the couch Lauren is sleeping on, and just stares at her little girl. Her little girl. In her heart Lauren is her little girl already. She just had to figure out a way for Lauren to believe that, too. Maybe George is right. Maybe the adoption papers are the only way of fixing her, but then again maybe not.
Even in her sleep, Lauren looks so lost, so innocent. How could anyone want to hurt her? Just hearing what Lauren said about those disgusting men touching her, and the abuse she endured from not only them, but from Ashley, the one person that she was supposed to be able to trust, almost made Olivia wish she was the one who pulled the trigger instead of Amanda.
Olivia decided while she was at the precinct, and now that Lauren was sleeping, she'd work on a little bit of paperwork for awhile just to let Lauren catch up on some sleep she knows she's been missing out on at night. She take a few glances up at Lauren and could see that she was uncomfortable which was mostly like due to the strain she put earlier on her ribs, plus whatever damage she is doing when she tries to grab her stomach with the splint that is covering her sprained wrist. Surprisingly, though, Lauren never fully woke up obviously more tired than anyone realized.
A couple hours later, it was nearly three and Olivia had to go relieve Lucy, who had been there since eight that morning to watch Noah. She wanted to carry Lauren down to the car and up to the apartment, but Lauren woke up and insisted, with little words, to walk herself. Olivia sighed to herself, but didn't fight her on it.
Once they got inside the apartment, Olivia took her coat off and helped Lauren with hers.
"The doctor said a warm bath should help with the soreness of your ribs. Go ahead and get in a bath, not a shower." Olivia says, sternly, knowing Lauren would try to sneak a shower instead because she hated sitting in bathtubs, but this time Lauren knew Olivia was right. She was sore. So, she obeyed and headed to her bathroom to get in the tub. "I'm just going to go check on Noah. I'll be in the check on you in a little bit." Olivia hears the bathroom door shut, and she sighs as she heads to Noah's room. When she walks in, she finds Lucy and Noah sitting on his floor, playing with his toys.
"Hey, Liv." Lucy smiles.
"Hey, Lucy. Thanks again for watching him so early and on a Saturday." Olivia says, bending down and kissing Noah on his forehead, gently.
Lucy waves her hand. "Don't worry about it. Whenever you need me, I'm here, you know that. Noah just woke up from his nap about an hour ago. We've just been playing in here. How did things go with Lauren?" She asks.
Olivia tickles Noah while he laughs. "She still isn't talking to me, but she had a small breakthrough."
"Well, that's good, right?"
Olivia shrugs, sadly. "I hope so."
Lucy and Olivia talked for another ten minutes about their day before Lucy decided to head out. Olivia left Noah to play in his room while she went to check on Lauren. The bathroom door was closed all the way, and before she knocked on the door, as she listened closely, she could hear faint crying coming from behind. Olivia knocks quickly, and opens the door, looking worried.
Lauren is sitting in the tub, her back resting against the side, her knees pulled up to her chest. She has a rag in her hands and is rubbing her arms and legs, roughly. Olivia could see that she was breaking skin. She runs to the side of the tub and tries to grab the rag out of Lauren's hands, but she pulls back with tears streaming down her face.
"No!" Lauren cries out.
"Lauren, stop it!" Olivia yells back, trying to breakthrough to Lauren. "Baby, you are rubbing your skin raw."
"I don't want to be them anymore!" Lauren yells.
Olivia successfully grabs the rag out of Lauren's hands and throws it aside. "Who, baby?"
"Them! I don't want to be them! They said that I'm like them. I don't want to be, Livia! I don't want to be!"
Olivia quickly unplugs the bath, shocked at how hot the water is, and reminds herself from now on to fix Lauren's bath water. She grabs a towel, and quickly picks Lauren up out the tub. "Okay. Okay. Shh. Shh." She says, in Lauren's ear as she holds a crying Lauren in her arms. "You're not like them, baby. You're nothing like them. I'm going to need you to believe that." Olivia says, desperately, letting her own tears fall. Lauren soon feel limp in Olivia's arm. This whole day, even after a nap, was just becoming too much for her. This last week was too much. Olivia wraps the towel tighter around Lauren's small frame and stands up with her. "Lets go get you into some clothes before you catch a cold." She walks into Lauren's bedroom and sits Lauren on her bed as she rummages through Lauren's closet to find some clothes. When Olivia turns back around she sees the color in Lauren's face turn completely pale. Lauren is staring at her closet, her eyes filled with fear. "Lauren, you're okay, sweetheart. Look at me." Olivia kneels down in front of her and forces her eyes away from the closet. "You're home with me." Olivia reminds her. Lauren doesn't say anything, though. She continues looking at Olivia. "Good. Just keep looking at me, sweetie. Let's wrap your ribs and get you dressed." After dressing Lauren in her favorite comfortable attire, New York sweatshirt and simple Capri black leggings, she carried a very worn out Lauren into the living room. She sat her down on the couch, and started to put ointment on the ripped skin Lauren was scrubbing on in the bathtub. Lauren seemed just out of it, and all Olivia wanted to do right now, after the long day they had, was just hold Lauren on her lap.
And so she did.
Lauren is laying with her head on Olivia's chest, while Olivia's arms are wrapped around her, rubbing her back, soothingly. Lauren is quietly playing with Olivia's necklace that reads 'fearless,' and although she was still feeling insecure about her relationship with Olivia, it was nice to just be safe in her arms again.
"Lauren, I just want to tell you how brave you are." Olivia smirks, sensing Lauren rolling her eyes. "You are very brave whether you want to believe it or not. But I see a little girl who has been through so much these last ten years, and so much these last two weeks, and she's still here. That proves that you can overcome anything that comes your way, and I wll be right by your side through every step of the way, even when you think you can't go anymore. I'll do it for you. I know right now you feel lost, and a little insecure on where you belong, but just know that you have me and your brother, and you have your squad family here for you. I'm not sure what you heard, or what scared you into this state, but whatever it was I promise it will be pass. You will overcome this, too. And, guess what, I'm here. I'm sitting right here, with you in my arms, holding you close, and that's how it will always be for as long as you let me. I am so immensely proud to have you in my life, Lauren. I know right now it seems like not everything is coming into place, but I'm trying my hardest to make everything run faster. It takes some time, and unfortunately some patience, and that is something that you and I don't have." Olivia laughs, softly. "You're not going anywhere, Lauren. If I have to tell you that every single day, all day, then I will. You are not where you come from, okay? You are who you choose to be. I love you so much." Olivia sighs into Lauren's damp hair and places a gentle kiss on top, hoping that Lauren heard every word.
Lauren heard every word. But as she played with the necklace hanging from Olivia's neck, she remembers the story Olivia told her about the time she was kidnapped.
"Did he hurt you?" Lauren asks in almost a whisper.
Olivia looked surprised at the sound of Lauren's voice. She wasn't expecting Lauren to speak the rest of the night, but she was confused by her question. "Who, baby?"
"The man that took you. Did he hurt you like they hurt me?" She asks, still playing with the necklace.
Olivia realizes Lauren is talking about Lewis. She's remembering the story Olivia told her about her own hostage situation, and she was silently wishing it would never come up again. That Lauren would have somehow forgot about it. But, who was she kidding, it's Lauren. Olivia takes a deep breath, praying that they won't have to go farther into this. She shakes her head and squeezes Lauren gently. "He didn't get the chance. He tried, but he wanted a fight, and I refused to give him that."
"Maybe I shouldn't have fought them." Lauren says, moments later.
Olivia closes her eyes, her heart breaking into pieces for the precious girl in her arms. "Do you want to talk about it?" Lauren quickly shakes her head, and tries to move away from Olivia, but Olivia holds her tight. "Okay. Okay. We don't have to. We don't have to." She says, hushing Lauren back to her chest. "We don't have to talk about it. I won't make you. I promise." Lauren lays her head back down and continues playing with Olivia's necklace. Suddenly, Noah runs into the room, in his pajamas, and a book in his hand. "Hey, little man." Olivia laughs as he jumps on the couch right beside her. She wraps her right arm around him, pulling him close to them. "What you got there?"
"Read a book." Noah says, showing them the book.
"How about a story?" Olivia asks Lauren, who simply nods her head. "Alright." Olivia grabs the book with the hand that is wrapped around her son. "Noah, can you help me turn the pages?" Noah nods, excitingly.
While Olivia begins to read, Lauren and Noah grab each other's hands with their free ones as the other plays with Olivia's necklace and turns a page. It didn't take long for them to fall asleep. Olivia was halfway done with the book when she looks down and sees Lauren sleeping soundly on her chest, her hand clutching Olivia's necklace, and Noah is asleep right under her arm. She sets the book aside and holds both her children close, grateful that the worst has passed, and the healing can begin.