Aw, thanks for the reviews. You're all so great. Well, there's only five more chapters to this story, and then it's done! You'll finally find out who she chooses and what the conclusion is... although, it's actually hinted at in past chapters. Subtle hints, and maybe sentences you'd overlook, but there are clues, if you look for them... haha. Now, I'm kinda nervous for this chapter coz it's really shit-hits-fan-hard and I just hope I managed to pull it off. So please let me know if you think I did! Cheers x x x x

Sweet Sacrifice

Chapter Ten: The Kill

Come break me down

Bury me, bury me

I am finished with you

Look in my eyes

You're killing me, killing me

All I wanted was you…

Brady

OK, so maybe I overreacted.

He was annoying me though.

I gave him ten minutes.

He gives her a pet name.

And he decides he can see her whenever he wants.

Bastard.

I'm really starting to hate his guts.

Despite that, I still feel bad for the guy. I mean, I wouldn't wish suffering on anybody, least of all him. I felt so guilty for going off at him like that, because I had been harsh and horrible and bastard-like and I didn't honestly mean half the things I said. But he had wandered onto my turf and I just got defensive, and a part of me is calling me a fucking idiot again, and another is patting me on the back.

It was messed up.

I don't want to care.

Yet I do.

Ugh.

I do miss him, sometimes. He was my friend, and I really do want to be friends with him again, but I don't think I can. It's like he's standing on the periphery of my life, ready and waiting to snatch everything I care about away from me. I just can't bring myself to… trust him.

When the trust is gone, you can't remain friends.

I trust her. Of course I trusted Nicole. I just didn't trust him around her, and I wasn't sure how offended she'd be if he tried anything. Or if she'd be offended at all.

Gah, no, I couldn't torture myself like that. If I believed that anything could or would happen between them, and I was letting it, then I'd just drive myself fucking demented.

I had an idea, one that had been bugging me constantly for a while now. I just wasn't sure whether or not I had the guts to even attempt it.

I couldn't stop thinking about it, though. If I got Seth to agree, then we could just end this… be done with all this uncertainty and shit.

Well, it wasn't the best idea in the world, and it could easily backfire on me, but I wasn't fucking Einstein, for fuck's sake.

I just didn't want this anymore. I didn't want to have to keep looking over my shoulder, afraid of Seth being too close behind me, ready to snatch Nicole from right in front of my face.

I wanted to be done. Finished.

My idea would certainly solve that problem. But I was just a bit nervous. If Seth didn't agree, or if it didn't go the way I thought it would, then I was seriously fucked.

Nicole

Brady let me go to Seth's house after school the next day. I could tell he didn't want me to, and he was a little grumpy when he picked me up in the morning to walk me to school. I still felt kind of guilty, because I didn't want to cause him all this stress and angst. But then again, I'd feel guilty if I didn't spend any time with Seth at all. I couldn't get his expression from yesterday out of my head.

I was nervous and fidgety when I arrived, but when Seth answered the door, he beamed this humongous happy smile and there was no way I could feel uncomfortable around him, because he so obviously wanted me there.

He was a big kid. He liked Star Wars, he still played video games, he listened to high school bands like Blink 182, and he thought 'Dude, Where's My Car?' was the best film ever.

You couldn't not like Seth. I really liked him. There was just something so innocent and pure about him, and he was so funny. I just enjoyed his company. He was fun to be around, and the hours flew.

But then something happened.

We were sitting on the floor of the living room, leaning against the couch, having a thumb war, and I was losing. Seth was laughing at my feeble attempts to gain a victory, and I was determinedly struggling. He very obviously let me win, after a fierce battle.

"Seth, that's just insulting," I protested.

"I did not let you win, stop harping on about it," he grinned, rolling his eyes.

"I am not harping."

"You are harping. Quit harping," he chuckled.

"Huh," I said, trying not to smile. "Well, you let me win, and don't even deny it. There's no way-"

"Nicole," he cut me off with a sigh, "didn't I just tell you to stop harping?"

I couldn't help but laugh, and he joined in, and we just laughed at the ridiculousness of it all.

I calmed down first, and I just watched him laugh. Watching him laugh made me happy. I felt kind of… I don't know, protective over him, or something. I knew I didn't want him to be hurting. I wasn't really sure how I felt about him. I was curious to find out, but what I knew was, it was definitely different to how I felt about Brady.

He calmed down too, and he just stared at me, smiling. I gazed back, my eyes tracing over his face, memorising it.

We just… stared. For the longest time. I didn't want to look away; I had kind of gone into a trance, and it appeared he had done the same.

My mind had gone foggy, and there was something in the space between us… something intense, something new.

I didn't know what it was. I was a little scared of it.

And then Seth started inching closer to me.

Inside, I panicked. What was he doing? Why was he moving closer? What was he expecting would happen?

Outside, though, I was frozen, watching his every slow shuffle forwards, every blink, every slightly uneven breath he took. I watched him, trying to figure out what he was thinking, what he was planning. What he was hoping to achieve.

I inhaled sharply when he suddenly propelled himself forward with his hands, so that he was sitting right next to me, our legs touching. His entire torso was turned in my direction, and I could only stare, wide eyed, afraid of what was about to happen.

He continued to inch closer to me.

I don't know why I wasn't pulling away. I didn't think I could.

I was just frozen. My mind was in a whirl, and I could barely breathe, and I couldn't move. I just sat there, watching him lean closer and closer to me.

His eyes were questioning me; they were hesitant, unsure, and I did nothing to assure him, to dissuade him. I just watched and waited, my breathing becoming shallower.

He stopped, his lips mere centimetres from mine. Our eyes were still open, and even if I had wanted to, I couldn't break away from his gaze. It was like I could read his mind, see into his soul, just by looking into his eyes. He was looking at me like… like I was everything he had ever wanted, and everything he wasn't sure he could have.

His eyes were so haunted and beautiful, and I was entranced.

Then something broke through my cloudy thoughts.

He was waiting on me. He wanted me to initiate the kiss.

If there were to be a kiss at all. I hadn't planned on a kiss. I didn't even know if I wanted a kiss.

Now aware of this, I realised all I would have to do would be to tilt my head slightly, and raise my chin the smallest bit, and our lips would be touching. We were that close.

His breath blew in my face, as ragged and uneven as mine. My heart was banging loudly against my ribcage, and my insides were twisting with anticipation.

I didn't know what I wanted.

I didn't know if I wanted to be kissing Seth.

I just… didn't know.

But I was still curious.

What if I had met Seth first? What would be different? What would be the same?

What would I feel if I were to kiss him right now…?

I couldn't take the anticipation any longer.

I closed my eyes, and my chin began to raise upwards, of its own accord. I hadn't told it to.

I was still conflicted. I still didn't know.

Yet I was reaching, waiting…

Then suddenly my lips brushed against his, and it was too late, because now I was kissing Seth.

It was so different.

His lips were soft, not rough, like Brady's.

There was no stubble, like Brady had.

My skin didn't erupt into flames, like it did when Brady kissed me.

Brady.

And I was kissing Seth.

Brady.

Oh no.

I pulled away, and ducked my head. No. I couldn't be kissing Seth, because I loved Brady.

And Nicole screws everything up again.

I tried not to cry. I felt even more tainted than usual.

"Nicole," Seth said softly, but I couldn't look at him, couldn't answer him. "Nic?" he tried again, after a pause.

"What?" I muttered, trying not to snap, trying not to be angry. But I was totally enraged, at myself, for letting this happen. I just wanted time to stop, and I wanted Seth to shut up, and I wanted to sit here with my eyes closed and pretend it hadn't happened, pretend everything was going to be OK.

"What now?" Seth asked, and he breathed out, and I felt it tickling the top of my hair.

"I don't know," I answered, squeezing my eyes shut.

Please, make this go away…

"What do you mean, you don't know?" Seth pressed. "What does this mean? What do I mean now, to you?" He sounded unsure and afraid again.

"I don't know," I repeated.

"Nicole-" he began, and I could hear the beginning of his frustration, and I snapped.

"I don't know, Seth!" I said loudly, and scrambled to my feet. "I have to go."

"No, don't go-"

But I ran away from him.

It was scary. I couldn't think. I had to run.

Seth

Damn. Damn, damn, double damn.

I shouldn't have done that.

It was stupid.

But I just… wanted to know.

I didn't bother chasing after her, because it was clear she didn't want to be in my company anymore. I had pushed her too far.

This was so frustrating.

We'd been getting along so well. I could make her laugh. She fascinated me. It made me think that maybe this could work, you know? Maybe it wouldn't have to be so hard all the time. Brady and I could make some attempt at sharing her. I mean, it wasn't ideal by any means, but at least it was something. As long as I could spend some time with her, and as long as I knew I was going to see her again, then I felt OK.

Like I said, it wasn't ideal, but it was so much better than my attempt at removing myself from the picture.

That would never work. I needed Nicole. She was the reason for my whole life right now, and I just didn't exist without her.

I hoped I hadn't screwed it all up, now.

I just… wanted to know.

I didn't even think she would kiss me. I knew she was with Brady. But I just wanted one taste of the forbidden fruit, just to know what it felt like to taste, to touch, something so wonderful, something I wanted so badly but could never fully own.

Nicole.

I looked into her eyes, and I could see everything that she felt, and I could see all of who she was, and it killed me.

I wanted to call her mine so badly, but I couldn't.

She'd never be fully mine, truly mine.

I'd always have to compete with Brady.

My blood ran cold. I had to tell him. I couldn't keep this from him. It would just hurt him worse if he were to ever find out later. My face twisted. This would hurt him, no matter what. I didn't want to hurt him. I thought he was being unfair and selfish and a tool, but he was my friend. I didn't want to see him hurt.

But I didn't lie. I wouldn't lie, not over something like this.

There was a sudden knock on my door, and I launched myself off of the floor, Nicole consuming my head. I flung the door open.

I blinked. It was Brady.

He looked sour and his fists were clenched, but he didn't look like he wanted to rip my head off.

He couldn't know yet. He must have just missed Nicole.

If he knew, I probably wouldn't still be standing upright.

"I have an idea," he said, grimacing and glaring warily at me.

"There's something you should know," I blurted.

Nicole

I ran home. There was no one there, and I sat in the living room, perched on the edge of the couch, chewing my nails.

Why did I have to screw everything up?

Why couldn't I just do it right for once?

I shouldn't have let that kiss with Seth happen. As if I wanted everything to become even more complicated. Was I trying to cause more trouble? Was I trying to create a bigger rift between Seth and Brady? Was I trying to hurt everyone in sight?

If I wasn't feeling so guilty and ashamed of myself right now, I would say yes, I was doing all of this with cruel intentions.

I was just so stupid.

I was an idiot. I didn't deserve either of them.

They should both just be done with me, because I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know what I was doing, and I was just stumbling around blindly, treading on their toes. I was hurting them. I was getting everything wrong.

I jumped at the sudden hammering on the door, and froze.

I wasn't expecting anyone. That could only be one of two people.

I doubted it was Seth. He didn't know where I lived.

I was frozen for a second, too afraid to move.

The hammering on the door started up again, louder and more insistent, and continued until I finally leapt off of the couch and ran to answer the door.

I threw it open, to find Brady.

He knew.

His eyes were on fire, blazing with rage and fury and agony.

They hurt me.

They were so raw and so sharp and they cut me, and I bled.

He shook with anger, his chest heaving with heavy, angry breaths, his jaw clenching and unclenching, his hands balled up into fists.

My lower lip trembled, and my hands started twisting together, and the tears began to fall.

"Why?" he spat, and I flinched.

"I don't know," I sobbed, holding my face in my hands, because I couldn't bear to look at him when he looked like that. "I never planned it. I don't ever want to hurt you, ever. I don't want to ever screw this up, but I just don't know… I'm so confused right now…"

I felt his tense arms wrap around me, and I flung my arms around him, crying into his chest.

Brady

Her tears always make me cave.

I'm so angry at her.

I want to shake her. I want to scream and yell at her until I lose my voice and her ears are ringing. I want to demand to hear what's going on inside that head of hers. What is she thinking? What is she doing to me? Is she trying to kill me?

Isn't it enough that she wants to be around him, be somewhere without me, be with someone she knows I don't trust?

Isn't it enough that she already kills me, whenever she starts to cry?

But no, she has to kiss him, and tear out my heart and rip it to shreds.

How can she expect me to trust her around him, now? How can she expect me to leave them alone, now? How can she expect me to want her around him, now?

She can't. I'm done. I'm done with everything.

I can't do this.

But I'm quite simply, fucked. I can't leave her. It's like she knows this. It's like she knows she can push me to my limit, shove me over it, and throw shit down over the edge to land on me. She knows she can break me and break me until I'm completely broken and beyond repair, and yet I'll still love her and stay with her, because the only way to make my suffering worse would be to leave her.

I didn't want to think that of her, but that's just how I felt.

I resented those tears. All I had to do was look in her eyes, and see the hurt and tears, and I couldn't stand it. It didn't matter how I felt anymore. I had to make her hurt go away. I caved. No matter how cut up I was inside, her tears would always make me cave.

If it was any other girl, I'd be finished with her. I wouldn't care.

But it was Nicole.

A tiny part of me wanted to be finished with her, and it was already shutting down, but I ignored it.

Sam and Emily. Jared and Kim. Quil and Claire. Paul and Rachel. Jacob and Renesmee.

They worked out. They're all happy, despite the small cracks in their pavements. I want Nicole and I to slot into that list, perfectly, wholly, happy and OK. But we can't just ignore Seth, and every time I think of those people, that list, I feel sick.

How could this ever work? Two won't go into one. I'm stuck in the most insane and fucking impossible situation ever, and I was so sick of it. I couldn't ever escape it. I could only endure, and search for little ways to make it better.

I loved Nicole. I was not giving up Nicole. I would forgive Nicole, because I would not let this hurt I felt push her away from me. I tightened my arms around her tiny, sobbing frame, and willed her hurt away. We'd work this out, somehow.

Maybe my idea was the best option, after all.

Nicole

I felt so horrible. I felt like a monster. I was awful. God… I didn't even have a word to describe how twisted and terrible I was. How could I do this to Brady? After everything? How could I?

Why didn't I just think?

I struggled to stop crying, because we needed to talk.

"Will you come somewhere with me?" Brady asked, his voice gruff and quiet, before I could say a word.

I nodded, because after what I had done, I didn't deserve to have any say in anything.

He took me back to Seth's house. The whole way there, I held back my questions, because I didn't deserve to ask any. But I was scared. I didn't know what was about to happen.

As we walked up the driveway, I wondered how Brady must have found out. Seth had to have told him. I wondered, if I would have been able to tell him, and I was scared, because I couldn't answer that question with a sure answer.

I knew Brady had a temper. I couldn't see him taking the news lightly. The look in his eyes had hurt me more than any wound Tyler had ever inflicted on me.

I looked up at Brady, almost too afraid to ask, but I needed to know.

"Did you… hurt Seth, when you found out?" I asked, in a quiet voice.

Brady grit his teeth, and I regretted asking immediately.

"Let's just say, that he's lucky he's a fast healer," Brady growled, and I let it go, even though I didn't completely understand.

I hoped he wasn't too badly hurt. This was my fault, not Seth's.

He answered the door before Brady could knock, and there was no beaming smile this time. His eyes were downcast, and he wouldn't look at me. I didn't think it was possible for me to feel worse, but I did. The skin under his nose was stained with blood, yet his nose looked fine. I took comfort in the fact that at least he wasn't covered in bandages.

For the second time, the three of us were in Seth's living room, awkwardness consuming us. Brady glared at the wall. Seth gazed at a spot on the carpet. I just looked from one to the other, trying to figure them out. Trying to figure out what I felt towards each of them.

"What's going on?" I asked, when neither of them spoke.

Brady and Seth glanced at each other, and then Brady looked down at me.

"Nicole, we need you to choose," he said.

Choose?

"What do you mean, choose?" I asked fearfully.

Brady gestured at Seth and to himself. "I mean, choose. Between us."

I blinked at him. He couldn't be serious.

"No," I said, shaking my head. "I can't choose. That's crazy."

"Nicole," Brady sighed in frustration, glaring at the ceiling, "we talked about this. We agreed. We're no good at sharing. You need to choose and just put us out of our fucking miseries."

I continued to shake my head. Seth still wouldn't look at me, and I glared at Brady.

"No," I said.

I couldn't choose between the two most important people in my life. The only two people that truly cared about me. The only two people who actually wanted and liked me around, because it was me. The only two people I felt extremely comfortable around, the only two people who let me be me.

I wasn't giving either of them up.

Not Brady, who I loved so much, who made me feel so safe and protected.

Not Seth, who I loved being around, and who could make me laugh until my sides hurt.

They were both too special, too important.

I wasn't choosing between them. No way.

"Nicole," Seth sighed, and my eyes snapped over to him. He still wouldn't look at me, and that hurt. He must be so disgusted by me. He couldn't even look at me, he was that disgusted. God, what kind of a person was I? I really knew how to turn everyone against me, without even trying.

"No, Seth, I'm not choosing," I said, loudly and clearly, hoping to get my message across. They needed to understand. It's not that I couldn't do this. I wouldn't do this.

The two guys shared a frustrated glance, and I didn't care. Let them be frustrated. We'd find a different, simpler solution, one that meant we all stayed happy, we all got what we all wanted. To some extent.

"Nicole, will you please just choose… we can't keep living like this," Seth said, and he still wouldn't look at me.

Oh God. I had to get out of here. I couldn't even recognise them anymore.

My eyes frantically eyed the door, but Brady, already used to my attempts at escape, stood in the way.

"Nic, you have to do this," he pleaded. "I don't want to fight with Seth. We just need to know what you want. Please, choose."

And I started crying, because I didn't know what I wanted.

"I can't, I can't," I sobbed, my fingers tearing through my hair. How could they make me do this? How could they force me to choose, like this?

"This a fucking bad idea!" Brady snapped at Seth, suddenly.

"You came up with it," Seth snapped back, and attempted to move closer to me, his face screwing up at my tears. Brady grabbed his shoulder and pushed him away from me. They glared at each other murderously, and I shook my head.

"Stop… stop it," I moaned. I was so sick of this fighting. I absolutely couldn't stand this anymore.

Maybe this is what they meant. What they needed. They couldn't stand the fighting either. They wanted the hurt to stop, just like I did. But why did I have to make this decision? I didn't know what I wanted. I would get this wrong, surely?

But I couldn't do this anymore, and neither could they, it seemed.

But how did I choose?

How could I?

I shook with my tears. I couldn't give either of them up. I didn't know how to.

Brady was staring at me, his mouth twisting with distaste.

"I can't fucking do this," he announced, and Seth and I looked at him. "I am not going to watch her cry, like that, over me. Fuck it. I'll make the decision for you, Nic," he said, his voice rough.

Both Seth and I froze. I was shocked out of my tears. He looked determined, but I could see, in his eyes, his pain.

"Be with Seth. He'll make you happy, if I can't."

He turned around and started to leave.

Brady.

No.

"No!" I shouted, shaking my head at his retreating back. He could not leave. No. "Brady, come back!"

He stopped. I waited for him to turn around, my heart beating so loudly it seemed to fill the whole room. Brady could not leave me. Who else could make me feel like he did? Who else would keep me protected from Tyler like he could? It couldn't be Seth, because he didn't know, and I couldn't bear to tell him. Only Brady knew, and I couldn't lose the one guy who would protect me from the person I was most afraid of.

The one guy I had ever loved with all my heart.

"I guess…" Seth spoke suddenly, and my eyes snapped over to him. He was finally meeting my eyes. His expression almost knocked me out; it was dead, hollow, empty, nothing. "I guess I know then, who you want more."

I stared at him, open-mouthed. How could he think that? How could he think just because I refused to let Brady leave, that I suddenly didn't want him? I couldn't even choose between them, damn it! I would have ended all our tortures long ago, if I had felt nothing for Seth.

I started to shake my head at him, intending to tell him that he was wrong, but he was turning around… he was walking away… he was leaving.

"Seth," I said brokenly, barely able to choke out the word, but he was gone.

Too late.

I wanted to follow him, but I was crying too much, and the hurt was suffocating me. I could barely breathe. Seth. How could he think I didn't care for him enough to want him around? Did he really believe I was heartless enough to just choose, and cut all ties?

Scorching arms wrapped themselves around me, and held me tightly. I didn't fall apart, because they were holding me together.

Brady

She fucking chose me?

She fucking chose me.

Hell. Surely this was insane? I wasn't honestly the best choice, even I knew that. Seth was the obvious choice, because he was the pure breed, the guy who didn't swear. He'd give her romantic shit on Valentine's Days. He'd remember her birthday. He'd wipe away her tears, instead of trying to block them out, like I did, because I couldn't stand them.

I just… couldn't fucking do all that. I didn't know how to do it right, and I knew I would just fuck it up anyway, so I didn't bother.

But… she called me back. And she let him leave.

She didn't call him back.

A sick part of me felt elated about that.

Because as I started to walk away from her, the pain of it ripped every inch of me into shreds. I didn't think I was going to make it out the front door. And then she called me back, and it numbed.

Seth had to be feeling that right now, that agony. Poor bastard.

I was enough of a human being to feel sorry for him, because that pain was fucking painful.

But it shouldn't be as intense, because he didn't care for her like I did. He didn't love her like I did. He'd be OK.

I was selfish, because I wanted Nicole to myself and he had just handed her to me without a fight, and was not about to give her up. No way.

I would be better for her. I wouldn't make her regret loving me, wanting me, choosing me.

I would get her birthday tattooed into my fucking skin. I'd give her so much romantic shit on Valentine's Day, she wouldn't be able to move for it all. I wouldn't wipe away her tears, because she would never cry - I would make her so happy she would never cry. I'd do anything for her. Even stop fucking cursing so much. I'd give up everything, for her.

But I wouldn't give up on her.

Because I loved her to fucking pieces.

She was my world.

My fucking world.

That bastard of an inner conscience reminded me that she was Seth's world too, and that she cared about him too, and I didn't know if there was anything that would make all that go away.

But he'd agreed to my idea. I thought that maybe if she chose, then things would look simpler. We'd know what she wanted, and the person she didn't chose could just take a time out for a while, until tempers and emotions cooled, and then we could figure some kind of solution out later. I had been so afraid that she was going to choose him, and it had almost seemed like a sure possibility, because she had just kissed him, and was just getting to know him, and Seth was the pure breed. Why would she want the mongrel?

But I honestly didn't care right now. I just held her while she sobbed over him, hoping that she would stop crying over him soon, hoping that she would look up at me so I could wipe away her tears, and let her know that I loved her. So much.

Seth

It hurts.

So much.

Almost more than I can take.

But I will take it. She wants him, and I want her to be happy. Of course I do.

I guess… I just got my hopes up. I had half thought she was falling for me. That she'd pick me over Brady.

So wrong.

So be it.

She cared about him more, so I guess I was just going to have to take a step back for a while, like Brady suggested earlier. Let her think. Leave her alone. I had been sceptical, because I hadn't believed Brady would have been able to have taken a step back, had Nicole have chosen me. But it didn't matter now. I was the loser here.

He got there first, I guess I shouldn't have been this surprised, this hurt and rejected.

It's just that…

I could give her so much, if she wanted me to. If she wanted me to love her, I would. Whatever she wanted from me, she could have.

She must not know that.

Or maybe she does, but it just isn't enough. Maybe he can give her things that I can't.

But maybe, there are some things he can't give her, either.

Should I dare to get my hopes up again?

It might kill me.

But she could need me just as much as I needed her.

Hope was a deadly emotion, but it was the only ray of light.

Everything was dark now.

I would hope, even if it killed me.

I had nothing more to lose.

I had already lost everything.

I just took little comfort in the fact that maybe things would change.

Nicole

"Nic, stop crying, please," Brady pleaded against my hair. "You're fucking killing me."

I tried to pull myself together, but all I could see was Seth's expression. I had to somehow explain to him that I cared about him, too. But would he understand that I loved Brady, or would he think that I was just some evil bitch with her heart set on hurting everyone around me?

I wouldn't blame him, if he did.

How was I supposed to make this work?

It was impossible.

They both cared about me, and I cared about both of them.

I refused to lose Seth, but I couldn't have Seth without losing Brady, and I refused to lose Brady.

No matter who I chose, no matter what decision I made, we all were still going to end up with scars and hurt and aches.

Nothing I did was ever going to be good enough, for any of us.

The Kill (Bury Me) - 30 Seconds To Mars

Phew. That was one hell of a chapter to write. Anyway, thanks for reading x