WARNING: Some Strong Language
Chapter 10: Shame?
"Sir? Sir! Are you okay? Can you hear me? Sir…" The voice seemed very distant in John's ears. He could not concentrate on anything other than his torturing thoughts and the pain that seared his knuckles and his heart. It was all becoming too much for him; the guilt.
John felt someone kneel beside him, their hands gentle on his shoulder. The person was speaking to him, trying to get his attention, but whatever was being said continued to be drowned out. John just gave up caring.
Sherlock's pleads and whimpers filled John's mind, slowly leaking in, until it was completely suffused in his brain. It weighed down on him, suffocating his whole being. He could feel himself gradually falling, deeper and deeper, into his self-loathing. His lungs constricted, as if he was drowning in his own guilt; in his best friend's blood.
I can't do this anymore... the guilt… I just want it all to end. The words echoed in John's head, as if he were in a large, empty room. Then there was just silence, except for his rapid heartbeat that pounded in his ears. The realization came to him slowly, but when it became completely known, it hit him like a ton of bricks. That must have been what Sherlock thought… wanting it all to end. The very idea of it made his stomach churn.
Okay. This needs to stop, right now. All you are doing is being selfish. This is not about you, this is about your best friend. You need to get yourself together and stop acting like a fucking child. You can, at least, do that for Sherlock. John mentally scolded himself. He was being completely unfair and knew that what he was doing would not help anyone or change anything.
John let out a final sob and opened his wet, tear-filled eyes. For a moment he just stared forward across the linoleum hospital floor. He noticed every particle of dirt and dust, especially as his slowing breath made it dance in the air. He pushed himself up into a sitting position, making sure he did not put a lot of pressure on his bruised and bloodied hand. He then used his other hand to wipe away the rest of the drying tears from his face.
"Sorry for that…" John spoke, pulling his knees to his chest, as his back leaned up against the end of the hospital bed. He avoided making eye contact with the nurse that sat in front of him. He could not look at her; he was so embarrassed.
The nurse gave John a sad smile, reached over, and patted him lightly on the arm. "Do not worry about it; it is completely understandable. You and your fiancé have been through a lot these past couple of hours."
John sighed. At the moment, he did not even have the willpower or care to correct her. I guess gossip gets around here quickly.
The room became extremely silent, well, as silent as any hospital room could get. The nurse eventually got up and went over to the cabinet in the corner of the room. She pulled latex gloves onto her hands and took out some paper towels and disinfectant from the drawers. John watched as she knelt back down onto the floor and slowly began to clean up the drying crimson liquid off the linoleum.
John bowed his head, his cheeks becoming slightly pink from embarrassment and from something else blossoming in the pit of his stomach. What was it? Shame? "Sorry…" He whispered, audible enough for the nurse to faintly hear him.
"No need to apologize. I have cleaned up worse." She gave John a genuine smile and went back to making sure the floor was completely rid of the blood.
"I…" John's voice cracked. He cleared his throat and tried again. "I-I guess I should probably go and clean up my hand." The nurse nodded, giving John permission. I guess she knows that I am a doctor, too. Do all the nurses just gossip when they are not helping patients? John sighed, got up, and walked over to the sink to gently rinse off his knuckles. He dried them off with a paper towel, then proceeded to find the antibiotic cream and bandages.
The nurse eventually finished cleaning up and checking Sherlock's vitals. Before she left, she made sure John would be okay. He reassured her several times that he would be fine, and finally, she walked out, leaving John to finish wrapping his hand, alone.
John glanced over to Sherlock and smiled, seeing that he looked so tranquil. His face was rid of any harsh, worried lines that seemed to be etched in when he was awake. Sherlock looked so peaceful, as if sleep could just wash away all the pain and anguish and white that surrounded them both. Oh God, John did not know he needed sleep so badly until that moment. He knows he cannot, though. He wants to be there when Sherlock wakes up.
John looks down at his watch and sighs. Sherlock would not be awake for at least another hour and a half or more. He could quickly go get some coffee, wash up a bit and maybe get a bite to eat, if his stomach will take it.
John walks steadily over to Sherlock's side. He reaches out with his uninjured hand toward his best friend's pale face but stops with hesitation, as if a single touch would shatter the fragile skin. He moves his hand a little bit more, until just his fingertips were lightly touching the skin. John brushes away loose curls on Sherlock's forehead. Leaning down, he softly kisses the pale skin above the brow, lingering before he pulls away, slowly.
"I'll be right back, Sherlock. I promise," John whispered before taking his leave out the door.
A/N: Well… I wanted to make this chapter so much longer, but I knew you guys have been waiting sooooooooo patiently… So, here it is! Another freaking filler chapter… Gahhhhh! I am so, so, so, so sorry! I know exactly what I want to add onto this! I was actually planning to add it to this chapter, but it takes me way too long to find time to write anything. So, here you go!
Thank you so much for staying with me throughout this whole process! You guys are the greatest, and I love you all so very much! Also, thank you all for your amazing reviews and words of encouragement! They definitely help me continue with what I love doing! Also, I have been taking into consideration everything that people have been asking and suggesting about my story. This next chapter will hopefully answer some of them!
I love you all, and thanks again for being absolutely fantastic!