a/n: Enjoy:

Ziva's POV:

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-=-

Hands are around my neck and a large object makes contact with the side of my head. I know I should fight back, but I do not. The man laughs, and holds my arms behind me. I see a few men come out from their hiding places, guns in hand.

"So good of you to join us, Ms. David."

I do not turn to face the voice. Why bother?

"Disarm her." He says, and I feel hands pulling roughly at my clothes. It takes all my strength not to kick the man who is searching.

His hand touches my ass I cannot restrain myself as I whip my boot across his face.

He falls down and I realize just how easy it would be to take these men out.

But I do not.

The man behind me laughs, and one of the others continues the search.

He takes both my guns and the knife at my waist.

"I am afraid that you will not be with us for the next part of our journey, however. We would not want you to know where we are taking you."

And all goes dark.

-=-

I awake with a start in unfamiliar surroundings. The adrenalin rushes into my bloodstream, as my eyes try to focus in the dark room.

Tony's living room.

I let myself relax, though I still get up from my spot on his couch.

I need water.

My heart is beating fast as I walk the short distance to his kitchen.

I could have prevented it. I could have fought back.

And I know why I did not. Because I wanted to be captured.

I turn on the lights in the kitchen, and my eyes fall upon a piece of paper. The paper Tony had given me last night. The one with the psychologists.

I am tempted to call one of them, before I glance at the clock. 2:21. I do not think a doctor would appreciate a wake up call for someone who was not even a patient.

I wanted to be captured.

Because I had nothing to live for.

I feel sick with myself. I have caused so many people pain and worry with my abduction… and all because I wanted to die.

No. I did not want to die. I wanted to be captured. I wanted something new in my life, because I had screwed everything else up.

But maybe dying did seem like a better option than going back to Mossad. I would have died there eventually anyway.

I realize how terrible this all sounds and a wave of nausea washes over me.

I have not moved from my spot in the kitchen and I realize that I need to. I cannot stand still right now. I cannot stay in Tony's house, but I cannot go back to Abby's either.

They both cared so much about my recovery… they both worried so much about me… I cannot imagine how much it would hurt them to hear it was all self inflicted.

I let out a small sob.

Am I crying?

When did I become so weak?

"Ziva?"

Shit.

Can I make it back into the living room in time for Tony to still believe me to be asleep?

I realize the answer is no as he walks groggily into the kitchen.

"Hey, what are you doing up?"

"Getting water." I reply, my voice shaky.

If he was not awake before he certainly is now. Probably saw the tears running down my cheeks.

I do not have time to tell him I am fine as suddenly he is wrapping me in a hug.

"What's wrong? What happened?"

I can say nothing, and instead I bury my face into his chest and cry. Even this act makes me feel sick. If he knew the truth…

"I did this to myself, Tony."

I say it because I hope he will let go of me. I hope he will tell me how terrible I am, or I hope he will kick me out. It is what I deserve.

"What are you talking about?"

"I got myself captured. I wanted to be tortured. I wanted to die."

I want him to push me away, but instead he just holds me tighter.

"No you didn't." He says into my hair.

"I had nothing left, and I just wanted it to be over. I could have fought back. I could've taken them out. I was armed… I just…"

I cannot continue and I pull back from him.

"I am so sorry." I say, looking into his worry filled green eyes.

"Ziva…" he mutters before wrapping me in his arms again.

I want to fight back from him, but I cannot. Perhaps it is the tiredness, perhaps it is the fact that I have nowhere to go, or perhaps it is the fact that I just love being held by him.

Probably a mix of all three.

"Go back to bed, we'll talk about this in the morning."

Admittedly, I am tired, but I cannot encroach on Tony's hospitality any longer.

"Tony," I start but he gives me a squeeze and kisses my forehead.

"We'll talk about this in the morning, but right now please just go back to sleep. Take my bed."

"No, I cannot do that."

"Ziva, the couch can't be comfortable, and with your back… Please, Ziva. For me."

For him.

I do not want to, but he as asked so little of me. I know he will not listen to my protests anyway, so I succumb.

He grabs my hand and leads me to the room, as if he does not trust me to go there myself.

"Let's get you out of those clothes…" He says, I and I look up, confusion across my face. "Not like… I just thought you'd be more comfortable in some sweats or something. I have a shirt and shorts you can put on."

He pulls some clothes out of his drawer before handing them to me. For a moment, I am unsure if he would like me to change in front of him, but then I remember he has a bathroom. Of course.

I do not think I will ever understand how Tony can be so kind to me.

I quickly change into his clothes before walking out to find him resting against the closed door.

"Tony-" I start but he quickly interrupts me.

"Listen, Ziva, I don't know what happened to you, or if you really did let yourself get captured, but it doesn't matter. You're here now. And you're okay, and I know you wouldn't let that happen to you again." He pauses, searching my eyes. "Right?"

He is right. He is spot on. There is no way I would ever want to leave them again. No way I would ever want to leave him again.

I would tell him this, but I am finding it hard to speak, so instead I just nod, and will the tears not to fall.

I think he sees this, as suddenly his arms are around me again.

I do not want to keep crying. I did not want to cry in the first place. But having Tony hold me just feels so good, and that fact makes me want to cry as well.

"Just go to sleep. We'll talk about it in the morning." He mumbles it into my hair, and I wonder if he is on the verge of tears as well.

I nod, and pull back before sitting on the side of the bed he had not been occupying.

He makes to leave, and I feel the need to stop him.

"Tony," He turns around. "Could you… stay here?"

I feel like an idiot.

"Yeah," and I think I see relief fill his features. "I can do that."

I allow myself to lie down, pulling the covers over me as Tony gets in on his side.

"You know I care about you, right?" he asks, reaching for my hand under the blankets.

I nod as I intertwine my fingers with his. He gives me a smile before moving closer to give me a kiss on the forehead.

I grasp one of his arms. "I just…" I start, wanting to hell him how bad I want to be held.

I do not have to say it, as he nods and once again wraps his arms around me.

"I forgot to turn out the lights." He mutters angrily, jumping out of bed. Just as I was starting to get comfortable.

The empty space next to me does not last long, because as soon as the lights go out, Tony is drawing me close to his body.

"G'night, Ziva."

I rest the top of my head against his chest and close my eyes.

"Good night."

-=-

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Heh.

Only one more chapter.

And boy, it's a doozy.

For the record (and I really hate to say this) I'm already thinking about making it into a trilogy. For the circuitry, of course.

…why can I never let something die?