October 31, 1950
The 4077th, Korea to the 43rd, Tokyo
Dear, dear, dearest Dean,
So, you've finally made it to Asia! You're in Tokyo right now, as I've been told, and one more step away from this hellish place (also known as Korea, making sure we're on the same page here). I heard you're going to be stationed mostly around my unit, the 4077th, and trying out something new. I am relieved in some way because we'll be near each other without our duties in the way of course. However, you're sure to be guarding the unit, since we're so close to the front lines, if you're not going to be looking at the North Koreans and Chinese in the face first.
It's a salve over a deep wound covered in salt. It comforts me that you're coming and we'll see each other more often. Yes, I bet you're cringing right now because you know how it feels (sorry for reminding you of that time when Clarence…oh, never mind). However, I hope that something can be done soon, so we could be together and you could meet Hawkeye, who I told you lots about already. I mean, I could gush more about him, if there weren't much more to write about, and am doing it anyway. I mean, threatening painting my nails and styling my hair just because he could? An appointment to make me pretty and girly again? What more can a girl ask for?
Today is Halloween, as you know. Tonight, the Officers' Club is hosting a party, courtesy of the enlisted men who went through all the trouble of decorating for the first real American holiday away from home (complete with a costume contest and the Korean orphans from around the corner). Hawkeye is taking me there, thank God. I don't have to worry about sitting here in my tent all night and then listening to the other nurses in my tent talk about their night out the next morning. Or there would be going to this party and not being able to socialize with anyone around. I would have felt worse nonetheless, but I think it's almost as bad that they're jealous of me.
To be honest, dating the local skirt chaser has its downs, although the ups outweigh it. Already, some of the other nurses confronted me, telling me to stay away from Hawkeye (each hoping for marriage with him, I heard). So far, he's smoothed each fight over when he overheard them trying to push me around (ah, the Mess Tent is a wonderful place sometimes, even though I still dread it most meals). He's such a charmer sometimes and I know it best of all.
Dean, I know what you're going to say to me. Hawkeye's the perfect heartbreaker and a shameless womanizer. For sure, Hawkeye might as well be, the way he had been acting. However, he's been so kind to me and has helped me in so many ways. He's introduced me to lots of people and I'm being talked to sometimes, if the person likes me (which is usually case, when I'm more comfortable in the crowd and have a few drinks). It's what I wanted, but at the same time, I feel overwhelmed by so many people, like Trapper (who has finally accepted me as Hawkeye's "special friend" and will talk to me without chasing my ass). It's amazing though. And I'm always looking forward to it at times and cannot wait to be with the one person who has made me happy in this place.
And no, my worried older brother, nothing has happened between us. I mean, Hawkeye hasn't been dating the other nurses and has bothered just me all the time, every single day and night and without failure to knock on the nurses' tent door and invite me out. No, he just insists that I help him all the time in the OR, bothers me when I'm on Post-Op duty when he's not on and has even asked me for a weekend in Tokyo with him. Of course, Henry isn't going to allow that (we tried) or my security clearance won't get me out, so I guess that's ok…except I want it. I love Hawkeye very much so, Dean, and I can't help myself. If his feelings are the same as mine, I don't know, but it sure looks like it unless Hawkeye is a pretty good actor. It remains to be seen.
Anyhow, you wanted to know what happened in Henry's office after the incident in the Mess Tent, when Major Frank "Ferret Face" Burns dumped old Mess Tent food and garbage on me instead of Hawkeye, to get back at him for all the wrongs was done to him and Major Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan. Remember I told you that, in Post-Op, Henry told me and Margaret that we were supposed to meet in his office and discuss what was going on in camp? So, the meeting was at oh nine hundred hours (too early, I know!) and all of us were there: me, Henry, Hawkeye and Trapper (both in their bathrobes), Majors Burns and Houlihan, Klinger (yes, THAT Klinger who dresses in dresses!) and Father Mulcahy.
Well, Henry went into one of his usual lectures about how we should be treating each other with respect and dignity, since we ARE, of course, part of a M*A*S*H unit, three miles from the front lines. It is what we can all agree on (because, after all, we're all supposed to be professionals and smile and nod). However, what we shouldn't – and couldn't – agree on is where to cross the line and how to leave each other alone, even if something, like the relationship between the majors, IS the camp's biggest joke.
Father Mulcahy started. "I think, Colonel, that if we cooperated and appreciated each others' feelings, like you said, then we might have the opportunity to follow what you're saying."
Klinger, dressed as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz with a toy Toto in a basket, had his rifle in one corner of his office (he was patrolling last night, ignoring the sign outside to disarm before entering) and stood next to me, puzzled. "I would have to agree with Father Mulcahy," he added, "but that's about it. I have no idea why I'm asked to be here."
"You're just the daughter I never had, Klinger," Hawkeye commented as Klinger beamed. "You're my pride and joy. I just asked Henry if you could come with me so that I could show you off."
"Wait, I thought Klinger was my daughter," Trapper chimed in. "That hairiness doesn't come from my side of the family though. It has to be yours."
By then, Margaret Houlihan, who had been sitting in the seat next to Frank, stood up and stomped her feet in yet another temper tantrum. "You hear this, Colonel Blake! Do you even hear this obvious insubordination?! This is the kind of respect we get here as regular officers."
"It's not like a lot of people care anyway," I said quietly from my corner of the office, far away from other people and next to Hawkeye and Trapper. "Major, we're three miles from the front lines. We're going to crack if we don't do insane things to keep us sane and smile, even when we can't do it anymore. I know you're trying to cope as best as you can with Major Burns in your tent or at the delousing station every night. However, if you keep this gun-ho Army regulation cock o' muley on us, you're gonna realize that it's not going to work here. We can't have those snap inspections all the time. Besides, I'm running out of spit and shine for my boots. My mouth's been drying up."
It was the longest speech I ever made to someone, Dean. I felt proud of myself (Henry was even smiling with a father's pride). I was pretty puffed up in the chest too as I saw Margaret's lips turn to a retort, about to release her deadly sting. However, it was Frank Burns behind her that yelled at me.
Standing behind Margaret, her partner in many inspections, from his seat, Frank yelled, "Captain Morrison! Need I remind you, as an officer of this fine US Army, that you yourself show respect to your superior officers?! As a fine military woman, you should know better. According to your records, you've been in this Man's Army since December of 1940, before the bombing of our beloved Pearl Harbor. That should give you AMBLE time to learn that respect –
"Frank, can it!" Henry interrupted finally, also annoyed that both majors possibly went through records behind his back…again.
An argument was brewing underneath the surface. Klinger swiftly moved out of the office with Father Mulcahy behind him. The former had KP Duty and the latter had confessions to hear, as we figured, or they just left to stay out of the arguments coming up shortly. Either way, they exited the same way they came, Dean. Quiet and quick.
Margaret finally exploded without Frank Burns making her shut up. "Colonel Blake, as far as I can concerned now, you, and not I, should have control over this childish, scheming, little she-devil you call –"
"Hold your tongue right there, Major!" Henry did not want to hear of me being spoken so callously because he looked furious, knowing who she was referring to. "I've known Captain Jeanette Morrison since she was child and later, when she entered the US Army. She's an honorable officer and a fine nurse. Now, I don't understand what your beef with her is, but whatever it is, get over it."
Frank was about to say something, but Hawkeye got there first. "Oh, come off of it, you two. Captain Morrison has nothing against anybody –"
"I shouldn't talk, Pierce," Frank interrupted hotly. "I look at you and McIntyre in disgust and am just thoroughly through with –"
"Frank, if you continue to talk like that, I'll be bumming you down –" Henry started.
"Colonel, I should not talk, if I were you!" Margaret countered, the first person not to be interrupted by someone within those few seconds.
Then, soon afterward, she, Frank, Henry, Hawkeye and Trapper stood up and started to argue about everything in the camp while I stood to one side. I was the unknown, quiet person in the corner once more, watching the action with little interest. Hell, Dean, I thought Father Mulcahy and Klinger were the smart ones. They left before Henry could say anything to them or they got involved in something bigger than their own heads. Although, I must say, the two are beautifully wonderful and won't cause much trouble. Well, Klinger is another story of course, but that's beside the point. I'll tell you about his last escape effort later (flying out of the camp in a hang-glider in an outrageous outfit). It's too funny for words!
Well, anyhow, everybody fought about everything under the sun. While Henry moderated and reminded everybody of everything we already knew about (values and professionalism), Majors Burns and Houlihan cited military regulation while Trapper and Hawkeye cited the practical and things of common sense. I didn't quite follow along (I was too amused for words and sat back to watch this drama), but then something soon had my ears perked.
Margaret said a few minutes of fighting later, "She's a bumbling idiot of a nurse who knows nothing of her profession and will step in the way of the wounded being healed."
Then, after that statement, there seemed to be silence. Dean, I mean, everybody stopped their screaming and stared at her, even Frank Burns. The crickets even stopped chirping, I swear. It was almost like the incident at the Mess Tent, although I was feeling angry this time and not embarrassed.
When hearing this, my face turned beet red. I knew Major Houlihan was talking about me and it made everybody stop dead in their tracks because even they all knew it wasn't true. They all looked at me, wondering what I was going to do because my face went from red from feeling flushed to white from feeling murderous. And because of this (they all seen it before I thought to make a move), Frank went in front of Margaret, to protect her in some way, and Hawkeye ran to my side, restraining me as I jumped towards the major, angry as hell. I was about ready to fight, to scratch some eyes out or something.
"I've been a nurse since before 1945, Major, despite what the records decide to say about me," I yelled as Hawkeye pulled my arms back in a twist and locking my wrists tightly. "I've been considered to be one of the greatest there was, working in Washington, DC and in Boston. That was why I was transferred here. Hell, I was so good that the US Army sent me to West Germany, at the border of East and West in Berlin, and made me a spy, to make me forget what I saw in the civilian hospitals for military personnel, most of them still fighting a war that had ended. And you're telling me that I'm a 'bumbling idiot' and –"
"Jeanie, that's enough!" Henry interjected in the rant as I continued to struggle against Hawkeye, still trying to kill Margaret (in my mind, at least) for her nonsensical comments. "Ok, here's what's going on from now on. Burns, you and Houlihan can continue your relationship and stop spying behind my back, for all I care. McIntyre and Pierce, try to cut down on the jokes. And Morrison, stop your complaining and cool your jets. You're all dismissed!"
By then, we scrambled, the majors out first, before I could kill someone (them, I was more aiming for). Hawkeye and Trapper basically took me back to the Swamp (their messy tent, remember, Dean) and got me drunk silly on their swill from the still before I could even think of committing another offense that could get us in deeper trouble. I don't remember anything else from that day, it was so blurry, but later that evening, I sobered enough for the incoming wounded. Hawkeye took me to the male showers (with Radar looking out to see if anyone was coming) and got me sobered up quickly, since the nurses' showers had been too crowded. I was so badly drunk, but I would have sobered up anytime of the day when the wounded come in.
Damn, Dean, this is the longest I've ever written! I've taken four breaks, at least, to write this all down for you and to keep you updated on everything. I'm sure you're proud of me (ha, ha) and would love to hear more from me, in person next time. I can't wait until your next tour of war, which sounds strange (it sounds strange to me even), but I miss you too much. I missed you in Germany and I miss you now, no matter what. Not to mention, I bet Henry will be pleased to see you again and Hawkeye happy to meet you at long last.
Your loving and silly drunk of a sister, Jeanie