AN: Thank you again for your patience. I hope you enjoy this chapter!
Chapter 9-Peace and Fear
Lilly let herself into her room, and for a moment she just leaned against it. She couldn't believe what she'd done.
She'd kissed Frodo.
Oh, she supposed it wasn't truly a proper kiss. It wasn't by any stretch of the imagination. A proper kiss would be….
Well, the thought of Frodo kissing her properly caused her cheeks to flame. No respectable ladyhobbit would think about it, would they?
She didn't even know. It's not like she had much experience with kissing anyway. She hadn't really thought much about it before. Oh, she'd had a few dreams now and then and about what it might be like, but there hadn't been a lad that she'd wanted to kiss. Besides Frodo, that is.
Her cheeks flamed again, and she knew she had to stop. Thinking about all this wasn't helping her feel sleepy, so instead she changed into her nightgown, and crawled into bed, deciding to read a few chapters in the book she'd brought with her.
But her mind continued to return to Frodo- how handsome he'd looked, how kind he'd been to her the whole night. How much she hated seeing his holiday spoiled by yet another headache. She hoped he didn't think ill of her for that little kiss on the forehead she'd given him. She didn't know what on earth she'd be thinking. That was the problem, of course. She hadn't been thinking. She'd wanted to kiss him on the forehead, and she had. She wouldn't ever forget the look in his eyes. Yet he wasn't angry. No, he hadn't looked angry at all. Surprised, yes, but he hadn't been mad. Thank goodness for that.
She held on to that thought for comfort, and she managed to doze off to sleep. Not too much time had passed when she heard Daisy come in, changed into her own nightgown, and nestled under the covers.
"Lilly?" she whispered. "Are you awake?"
"Mmmphh," she mumbled. She didn't feel that awake at all.
Daisy took that as a yes. "Did you and Frodo have a nice time together?"
She sighed a little. "Yes, very," she said. "He's a perfect gentlehobbit."
"He is," agreed Daisy. "Your façade seems to have worked well. I'd say nearly all believed you." Daisy chuckled faintly. "Dottie is spitting mad, you know."
Lilly didn't feel particularly patient or gracious at the moment, especially since she felt half-asleep. "Then she shouldn't have provoked Frodo and then gone and spread rumors about us," she said flatly. "It's not our fault she didn't like how we decided to deal with her."
"Well, along with Dottie and the other lasses who are jealous," said Daisy. "There are also some who told me how happy they are for both you and Frodo."
"How nice," she muttered into her pillow. How wonderful that some of the lasses here wouldn't scowl at her every moment.
Despite the dark, Lilly could tell that Daisy's eyes were staring at her. "Are you all right?"
"I'm fine," she said. She wasn't really, but she knew she might be if she could have some more sleep. "I'm just….just tired."
Daisy leaned over and hugged her briefly, before returning to her own side. "I'm sorry the other lasses were mean to you."
Daisy knew her so very well. She could tell that the rude looks she'd received hurt. "Thank you, Daisy," she said softly.
Daisy said nothing else, and the deep breathing next to her told her that Daisy had fallen asleep.
She lay awake for a while longer, but eventually she too drifted off to sleep again.
XxXxXxXx
The next morning dawned cloudy and cold. Most of the hobbits, since they had been up merry-making long into the night, slept late into the morning. Lilly had gone to bed earlier than most of them, and so she spent much of her day in the library reading books. But she found that she could not focus on them very well, because she felt so tired and rather achy. She read the same pages over and over, and she couldn't recall what she'd read by the end of the page. Perhaps she was just extra-tired? It was almost a relief to her when Daisy came to tell her it was time for luncheon.
After luncheon, some of the hobbits went to sleep again, and Lilly decided to do the same. So she went up into her room and she was almost ready to curl underneath her blanket when she heard a knock at the door. She let out a loud groan. Couldn't she have a little rest like everyone was having?
But her words of annoyance quickly left her when she saw who was on the other side of the door.
It was Frodo, wearing his coat and cloak. "Frodo? Is there something I can do for you?" Why aren't you taking a rest like everyone else?
"Hullo, Lilly," he said. "Since everyone's taking their nap, I was going to take a walk around and I thought maybe you'd like to join me?"
Suddenly she didn't feel tired at all. Oh, she still felt achy, but it somehow didn't matter. Not when Frodo wanted to take a walk with her. "Yes, I'd love to," she said. And never mind that it was rather cold outside. She didn't question the sanity of walking around Great Smials on a cloudy winter day, not then anyway.
They quietly walked out of the house, and she wasn't sure where exactly they were going. But she trusted him implicitly, and no sooner had they left the house did she feel his hand take hers. She briefly glanced down at their entwined hands, and she could see a smudge of ink on one of his fingers. He must have been writing again, perhaps in his journal. She wondered what he had been writing about, though she would not ask him. She knew how much he valued his privacy. Besides, it was enough that he wanted to take a walk with her. She wouldn't spoil it by asking him questions he wouldn't want to answer.
But as they walked, he was very quiet and she hoped he was all right. She gently squeezed his hand, just to let him know she was here, and she cared. He looked over at her, and he smiled. She couldn't help but smiled back, and she felt all warm inside. He had such a nice smile. It was a pity she did not see it more often.
They walked for a long time, and eventually she wasn't sure where they even were. The temperature dropped, and she could tell the wind was picking up by the way it tugged at her hair. She glanced over at Frodo again to see if he noticed, but he seemed completely unaware. "Frodo," she began. "Do you-..."
He looked at her, but then he suddenly winced. "What's the matter?" she asked quickly.
His hand went to his shoulder and rubbed it gingerly. "Nothing," he said.
Nothing, her foot. Clearly his wound pained him again. She was about to say so when suddenly it began to snow. But it was not gentle flakes that slowly drifted to the ground, the kind of flakes that she normally saw in the Shire. No, this snow came down quickly and the wind blew it about before it could settle in one place. She'd never experienced a snow-storm personally, but this looked like anything out of the stories she'd heard about them. "Ah, Frodo," she said hesistantly. "I think..."
"Yes, we should go back," he said. His grip tightened on her hand. He turned around and she realized anew that she couldn't even see Great Smials anymore. They began to walk back the way they'd come, but the snow continued to fall, the wind howling angrily. It wasn't long before Lilly felt a tight knot of fear in her chest. What if they were stranded out here? The icy wind stung her cheeks and hands, and it cut through to her core. Deep in her heart she knew that there was only so long they could stay out here before they'd have frostbite. What were the chances they'd reach Great Smials before then? "What should we do?" she muttered to herself.
"Lilly, it will be all right," said Frodo calmly. "There's an old hole right around here. We can stay there until it's over. Come on."
She followed him, trusting that he knew where he was going. She for sure did not. She didn't even know that there was any sort of building around here. But he was right, and they soon came to a tiny hole. She hadn't even noticed it before, since it was so little and blended in with the hill surrounding it. They entered it, and she glanced around. Normally, holes had furniture and all the comforts of hobbit home. This one, however, had nothing- nothing but a small fireplace and a passageway that she guessed went to another room. Frodo poked around, fiddling with the short stack of wood next to the fireplace.
Lilly stood there, rubbing her arms, trying not to shiver. "What are you doing?" she said.
He pointed to the fireplace. "Making a fire," he muttered. He managed to get a fire going faster than she thought was possible, but maybe he'd gotten used to it on his long journey. He looked up at her. "Why don't you come over here, Lilly?" he said. "The fire should help you feel less cold."
She did as he said, and she felt warmth of the fire. But she had to admit to herself the snowstorm still made her nervous.
But Frodo didn't seem too fazed by any of it. He took his pipe out of his coat pocket, and began to smoke it, gazing into the fire intently. He was acting almost as if they were back in Bag End, and the wind wasn't howling like it was. She didn't know how he did it. Wasn't he afraid at all? Abruptly, he turned to look at her. "Why are you staring, Lilly?"
Her cheeks flushed in embarrassment. She hadn't known he'd noticed that. "It's just….you're so calm, Frodo," she said.
He lowered his pipe. "Are you afraid, Lilly?" he asked gently.
"Yes," she admitted. "I am. Very much so."
"What do you fear might happen?" he said. "The storm will blow itself out eventually, and then we'll make our way back to Great Smials."
"But what if we starve or freeze to death before that happens?" said Lilly, trying not to sound panicked. "We could die."
"I suppose it's possible," he said, blowing out a whiff of smoke.
His nonchalance on the subject shocked her. "Well, that would….bother most hobbits, you know," she said. "I don't really want to die by starvation or frostbite."
"There are worse deaths," he said, still composed.
A worse death than frostbite? She couldn't even imagine such a thing. "Like what?" she burst out.
Quickly his gaze returned to the fire. "Like turning into a wraith," he said quietly. "Being poisoned by a giant spider. Stabbed by an orc or a troll. Dying in an exploding volcano."
As soon as he answered, Lilly felt terrible. She should have known better than to say something that stupid. Of course there were worse ways to die for him. He'd nearly experienced all of those. And she was an idiot. "I'm so sorry, Frodo," she said apologetically. "I shouldn't have said that. Of course those would be worse. Much worse. I just….I'm- I'm scared. And I don't want to die."
Frodo was silent for a long time, and she wished more than anything that she could take back the words. "I know, Lilly," he said at length. "But don't be afraid. It will be all right. This storm will pass."
She tried to do as Frodo said, and not be afraid. She took deep breaths in and out, but it didn't help to calm her. The worry and panic still gripped her heart. She glanced at him again, and he continued to smoke his pipe, thinking about something. "Frodo?" she said. "Can I ask you something?"
"Go ahead, Lilly," he said. She felt relieved that that he did not sound angry.
"Are….are you afraid to die?" she said softly.
He slowly blew out a circle of smoke. "No," he said.
His answer sounded so sure that she knew he had told her the truth. "Why not?"
He fiddled with his pipe, saying nothing. Lilly wondered if he wouldn't answer her, but maybe he was just deciding what to say. "I thought I would die so many times on the quest," he said at last. "I just took it for granted that I would. After a while, I found that it be a relief because…because then the pain would be gone." He paused for a moment, and a loud sigh escaped him. "At Mount Doom, I believed it would come, but I wasn't afraid. The Ring was destroyed, and the Shire was safe. It had been saved, and I could picture every inch of it in my mind. The quest had been accomplished. If Death claimed me then, that was all right. I'd welcome it. "
Lilly's eyes watered at the thought of losing him, and she tried furiously to blink her tears back. She couldn't imagine Hobbiton without him there. "But it didn't come," she whispered.
"No, it didn't," he said. "Instead the Eagles bore Sam and I away, and I woke up in Minas Tirith." Frodo seemed to be seeing something very far away. "Gandalf stood there, and I thought….I thought since he'd died, that I had too. But I soon realized that I hadn't." He glanced down toward the floor, falling silent once again.
Lilly found herself asking him another question. "But…weren't you glad?"
"Yes, I was glad," he said slowly. "I was filled with joy at seeing Gandalf, Merry, Pippin, Sam, Aragorn and the rest of the Fellowship again. Since the Ring was gone- and once I was home- I thought life might continue on as it was."
But it hadn't. He didn't have to say it aloud; she knew the pain and darkness that he battled every day. It made any chance at a normal life impossible for him. "But at least you're alive, Frodo," she said, trying desperately to find something encouraging to say. "There's lots of living left for you."
He looked up at her, his eyes full of doubt. "Is there?" he asked her in such a sad voice it almost broke her heart.
"Yes," she said firmly. "Please don't give up." She softened her voice. "You were spared, Frodo. You have much more you can be and do." He was still young and had lots of living to do. It wasn't his time yet, it wasn't. How she wished he could see that.
His eyes had returned to the fire, and she wondered if he somehow hadn't heard her over the wind. "And what would that be?" he whispered.
"I don't know," said Lilly gently. "Only you can find the answer to that."
He didn't answer, and she decided that was enough for one day. He'd likely think about what she said, and that's really all she wanted. They sat in silence for a while, but she soon grew weary once more. Her eyelids felt heavy, and she drifted off to sleep.
XxXxXxXx
Frodo sat quietly, thinking to himself and occasionally poking at the fire. The flames were growing lower, and he knew that he should put more wood on the fire.
There was a small problem with that. A while ago Lilly had fallen asleep, her head lightly resting on his shoulder. He didn't want to move, and risk waking her up. He glanced at her face, now peaceful once again in sleep.
He felt rather fatigued himself, but his conversation with Lilly replayed itself over and over in his mind. She'd been so afraid when they'd initially come here, so worried that something could happen to them like death, frostbite or starvation. He supposed that her reaction was much more normal than his. On the quest, though, he'd lived with the constant threat of death. It had been so very real and sometimes imminent. And he didn't fear it.
In his heart, he truly believed it wouldn't come- not today, at any rate. They'd make it through this storm that Lilly feared. He did not. How could he fear a snowstorm outside when the storm inside him was much worse than anything else? When the worst darkness he'd experienced came not from a snow- a natural occurrence- but the infinite shadow of evil?
Suddenly Lilly stirred, though she did not wake. Instead, she let out a little sigh and returned to sleep.
He let out a sigh himself. Although he'd never felt the panic that Lilly had, he had to admit that the circumstances were less than ideal. The wind continued to roar outside, and he was sure that the snow still fell. It'd be at least a foot by tomorrow morning, deeper in some places because of the wind. The flames of the small fire he'd made diminished even more, and he knew he'd have to move (and thus wake Lilly up in the process). "Lilly?" he said softly, gently nudging her. He wished he didn't have to wake her. She looked so comfortable, resting her head on his shoulder as she was. "Lilly?"
She slowly stirred again, opening her eyes. "Frodo?" she said in clear surprise.
"Yes, I'm here," he said. "I'm so sorry to wake you, but I need to put more wood on the fire."
She sat up all the way, a light blush turning her cheeks pink. Or maybe it was the cold? "Yes, of course," said Lilly. "Do you want any help?"
"No, that's all right," he said. "You can sit and rest." He took some wood from the pile, though he was concerned that it wouldn't last them through the night. He set it onto the fire, which began to grow once more.
"Thank you," she said softly. He turned to look at her, sure that she could see the question in his eyes. Why was she thanking him? He was the one who'd wanted to take the walk in the first place. They might have been warm at Great Smials if it weren't for him.
"For everything," she said sincerely. "I would have been sick with panic if it weren't for you."
He stared at the fire, unable to look at her. He felt rather embarrassed. Lilly was too kind to him. Really, how could she say that? How could she possibly thank him? He'd found them a place to wait out the snow, and built a fire, but almost any hobbit could have done the same. Sam would have.
Actually, Sam likely wouldn't have had the fool idea of taking a long walk in winter in the first place. Dear Sam. He'd been blessed with so much hobbit-sense, something that he feared he sorely lacked at times. "I didn't do very much," he muttered.
"Yes, you truly did," said Lilly. "If I have to be in this horrid circumstance, I think I'd rather be with you than many others."
What she said reminded him of his own at Emyn Muil and Mount Doom. Sam, I'm glad you're with me….I'm glad to be with you, Samwise Gamgee, here at the end of things. Hadn't he really been saying the same thing she did? If he had to be in a trial, he'd rather be with his dear friend than many others? He knew that Lilly was paying him a very kind compliment by telling him that. It occurred to him that somehow she gained strength from his presence, though he couldn't say he understood how that was possible. It was quite an odd sensation to have someone rely on him for strength to be sure. During the quest, he'd had Sam for that. He wouldn't have gone far if it weren't for Sam's determination and encouragement.
He might be calm, and not losing his head, but that was because the worst outcome truly didn't seem that horrible to him. Gandalf had told him that death was nothing to fear and he'd been reunited with his parents.
How could he dread that?
"Frodo?" said Lilly softly.
He blinked, realizing that he'd lost himself in thought again. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm sorry that we're in this circumstance, Lilly. I feel like I should have known the weather would have changed."
She stared at him, shaking her head. "Don't say that, Frodo," she said. "How could you have known?"
"My shoulder began to bother me," he said, mostly to himself.
Lilly's response was almost immediate. "Just because your shoulder hurt, Frodo," said Lilly, almost sternly, "doesn't mean you should have known a large snowstorm was on the way." He just looked at her doubtfully. He had already told her that often when his shoulder ached a change of weather was on its way. Lilly bit her lip, something he was starting to realize that she did when she when she was nervous or upset about something. "Maybe you should rest."
He could feel the fatigue in his limbs, but he couldn't rest. Not now. "No, I'm all right," he said.
Lilly shook her head again. "Frodo, really," she said. "I am fully capable of putting more wood on the fire if necessary. You let me rest. It's only fair that you do the same." She looked at him, almost pleadingly. "Please?"
Well, he wouldn't be much of a gentlehobbit if he said no to her. Not when she looked like that. He sighed heavily. "Oh, all right."
She smiled, not without relief. "Thank you," she said.
He laid down on the floor, pulling his cloak around him. The hardness of it reminded him of all those days and nights when he'd been on the quest, sleeping wherever and whenever they had a chance.
But he didn't want to think about that. He shut his eyes, hoping sleep would claim him quickly.
XxXxXxXx
When Frodo woke, he felt rather stiff and his neck ached. It took him a moment before he realized that he was once again sleeping- not on a bed- but on a hard floor. And then it all came back to him- the walk with Lilly, the sudden snowstorm, taking refuge in this old hobbit-hole. They'd talked together before Lilly had insisted that he rest. And he had.
From the light of the fire, he could see that Lilly had fallen asleep herself. But unlike him, Lilly was shaking- with cold, he was sure. She was near the fire, but he could tell it wasn't enough. So he drew closer to her, draping his Elven cloak around her (the cloak that somehow had the ability to keep the wearer as cool or as warm as necessary). Lilly let out a small sigh, but she stopped shaking.
Pleased that he'd helped her, he drifted off to sleep again.
XxXxXxXx
The next time Frodo woke, it was lighter, and the fire was nothing more than a few embers. He almost dozed off again, but he realized that he still had his arm around Lilly. He felt almost wide awake after that. But she was shivering again, despite the cloak.
His sudden movement woke Lilly. "Frodo?" He heard her whisper. "Is...is... the storm over?"
He listened for the sound of wind, but he heard nothing. The sunlight that streamed into the room was weak, yet it was enough to cause him to think that it was. "Yes, I think so," he said.
"I'm glad," she said softly, sitting up. "But it's so cold, Frodo." She looked over at him, her teeth nearly chattering. "Don't you think it's cold?"
It was cold, but not as cold as Caradhras. Nothing was as cold as Caradhras, just as nothing was as hot as Mordor. "It is a little," he said. She shook again, holding herself tightly.
"It's horrid," she said.
From the way she was clutching herself, he thought that maybe something else was happening to her than merely feeling cold. Maybe she was growing ill from being so chilled? Either way, she shouldn't stay her much longer. He worried for her health if she did. "I think we should go back to Great Smials," he said.
Lilly glanced out the window, her eyes slightly widening. He followed her gaze to the large amount of snow that had accumulated. From his guess it was a foot. He'd been right with his prediction last night. Quite unfortunate, really. "Do you think we can through all the snow?" she asked.
"We can try," he said. "But we can't stay here, Lilly. I don't think there's any more wood."
She nodded slowly, and they both stood up, heading for the door. Before they left though, he saw shiver again and he quickly made the decision to offer his cloak to her. "Here," he said, holding it out to her. "You should wear this."
She looked up at him in surprise. "B-but it's just a cloak."
"It is a cloak, true. But it is a cloak made by the elves," he said. "It keeps the wearer as warm or as cool as needed."
"That's kind of you, Frodo, truly," said Lilly. "But if you give it to me, then you'll be cold."
True enough, though he would not say that aloud to her. He could feel the cold already. "Not if we trade," he said.
"Well, I suppose that would be all right," she said, still somewhat hesitant. She slipped hers off. They exchanged cloaks and put them on. "Any better?" he asked her.
"A little," she said. "Thank you, Frodo."
"You're welcome," he said. He went to the door to open it, and he had to use nearly all his strength to push it open. Lilly came up behind him to help, and luckily they managed to do it. Once they had, they could see how much snow had fallen during the night. It coated the trees and ground with a white blanket. The snow had drifted against the trees, showing clearly how deep the snow truly was. He thought it might be a pretty scene if they didn't have to travel thorough it. "I haven't seen this much snow in years," he muttered.
"I haven't either," said Lilly. "Do…do you think we'll make it?"
He held out his hand to her. "We have to try," he said. Neither of them talked much after that, because merely walking took so much conversation. Traveling through the deep snow was difficult, and it reminded him so much of their attempt through Caradhras. They hadn't gone far before Lilly began to shake again.
"Cold," she said, teeth chattering. "So cold…"
She almost slipped, and he put an arm around her to keep her from falling. "Steady on, now," he said. She leaned against him like she'd collapse if it weren't for him. "We'll be there soon," he said, trying to sound reassuring. Not completely true, but she sighed as if the words comforted her and she continued to walk. As they trudged through the snow, he tried not to think about the failed trek through Caradhras, but it was very hard not to.
"Thank you," he heard Lilly say. He was about to say you're welcome, but she kept talking. "For everything," she whispered. "You're always so kind."
He didn't know what to say. He wasn't always kind, not at all. Didn't she remember what he'd said about Dottie?
"I think you're the nicest hobbit I've ever met- ever," she continued.
Her extra 'ever' made him wonder again if she was actually growing ill. She didn't sound like herself. "I hate this snow," she said. "I think I'd rather be somewhere really hot than be here."
No, she didn't. Because the hottest place he'd ever been was Mordor, and no one would ever want to be there. But they were walking over a hill now, and he knew once they went over it, Great Smials would be in view. "We're almost there," he told her.
She rested her head on his shoulder. "I'm glad," she said. "You took good care of us, Frodo."
He looked over at her, once again surprised, but her eyes had started to close. He tightened his arm around her, and as they reached the top of the hill, he nudged her. "Great Smials is right there, Lilly."
She slowly opened her eyes, and she smiled. "I see it," she said.
As they walked down the hill, he fell silent. Keeping them both upright took all of his concentration and he worried that they might fall down and injure themselves. Despite it all, they made it safely and he raised his hand to knock on the door. But before he could, the door burst open. Mrs. Banks, Daisy, Merry and Pippin stood there, all with profound relief on their faces. He had thought that perhaps the hobbits at Great Smials would be concerned that they hadn't been at dinner, but he could see now the depth of their worry.
"Lilly!" exclaimed Mrs. Banks. She and Daisy both embraced Lilly quickly. "Oh, my dear lass, I've been so worried about you!" Mrs. Banks looked up at him now, and touched his shoulder briefly. "And you too, Frodo. Are you all right?"
"We are," he said. He heard Lilly sneeze several times beside him. "But I think Lilly may have a chill."
Mrs. Banks put an arm around Lilly. "Let's get you in your warm bed, Lilly," she said. "And then I'm sure you'll feel better straight away."
Lilly nodded, but before she left she turned around and smiled at him. "Thank you again for everything," she said softly. She walked away with her Mum and sister, and he watched her go. He hoped a good rest would heal whatever was ailing her.
As he did, he heard a throat clear behind him. Pippin looked at him with that characteristic "Tookish" look. Merry, on the other hand, had a thoughtful expression on his face mixed with concern. "Are you all right, Frodo?" he asked quietly.
He considered the question seriously. His shoulder and neck ached a little, but other than that he was well enough. He didn't feel ill, not like Lilly did. "Yes, I think so," he said. "I feel….rather tired though." As soon as he said it, he knew the truth of it. He been so focused on making it back to Great Smials that he hadn't noticed his own fatigue. He'd dozed at the hole, but it wasn't restful sleep by any means.
"Maybe you should rest too," said Merry.
"Maybe I will," he said. "But I don't know why I'm still so tired."
Merry stared at him in disbelief, but it was Pippin who spoke up. "That can happen when you're stuck in a snowstorm Frodo," he said.
"I agree with Pippin," said Merry. "You should sleep- and eat something too, before you do."
"I'm not hungry, Merry," he said. All he wanted now was to curl up and sleep. Food didn't hold much appeal at all, even though he hadn't eaten since yesterday.
"How about a compromise?" said Merry. "You can go to your room, but we'll bring something to you?"
"Fine," he said. Merry and Pippin told him that they'd be up shortly, and he went to his room. He took off the cloak and coat, and then (though he knew he should wait for Merry) he crawled into bed.
Very soon, he was asleep.