Thanks as always to my amazing beta riftintime.

Chapter 10

Ianto didn't remember how he made it back to his flat. He didn't remember changing into jeans and a T-shirt. He just knew that he was done. He didn't want to be here anymore. He had nothing left. He looked around his flat – the one that he had never bothered to unpack or make into a home. He had chosen the first available flat he'd found and had movers pack up his and Lisa's flat in London and move their belongings into the flat in Cardiff. He had never bothered to unpack anything but essentials. He had spent most of his time at the Hub anyway, either working or keeping vigil by Lisa's life support unit. I have nothing left.

He began to pack up the few things he had taken out over the past months. All of his and Lisa's belongings would be Torchwood property now and end up in a storage unit. At least it won't be my job to do it, he thought wryly to himself. After several hours, he had finished putting the last of his suits into a box. He walked into the bedroom and retrieved the gun he had taken from Torchwood One from his bedside table. He checked it was loaded and walked with the gun into the kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of scotch and a glass and made his way into the living room. He sat on the floor and leaned back against a packing box. He poured himself a glass of scotch and took a sip. All that for nothing. Lisa's gone, my friends are gone. I killed two people. And Jack… He picked up the gun.

Out of nowhere, he felt a hand grab his and wrest the gun away from him. He jumped nearly out of his skin. Captain Jack Harkness stood there, holding his gun, an unreadable expression on his face. Ianto recoiled, "Jesus, where the hell did you come from?"

"Ianto, I've been in your flat for twenty minutes and you didn't even notice. What the hell are you doing with this gun?"

"It's not one of yours, Sir, if that's what you're worried about," Ianto said acidly.

"That's not what I meant, and you know it."

Jack turned and walked into Ianto's kitchen, retrieved a glass for himself, and sat down on the floor facing Ianto. He picked up the bottle of scotch, poured himself a generous glass, and downed it in one go. He then refilled both his and Ianto's glasses.

"I'm responsible for two innocent deaths, Jack. I'm responsible for Li…" He could barely get her name out. Tears formed in his eyes and threatened to fall down. He swallowed them back. There had been quite enough of that, thank you. "I endangered the team and the entire world. I deserve to pay the price. The price for treason in Torchwood is death or retcon. If you're not going to kill me, or let me kill myself, are you here to retcon me?"

"Is that what you want, Ianto?"

"Yes." Silence. "No. I don't want to forget her," Ianto said in a small voice.

"That wasn't your Lisa we killed, Ianto. It was a Cyberman."

"I know. That's what makes all of this so awful, Jack. It's why I deserve to die. Part of me knew that she… that it wasn't Lisa anymore, but I couldn't let go. I couldn't lose her, too. I lost everything that day, everything. And now I have nothing left to lose."

"There's always something left to lose, Ianto," Jack repeated himself. "I have lived a long time, fought in many battles, two world wars… but I suspect you know that already."

Ianto didn't reply. Jack continued, "I have loved, Ianto, and I have lost, but I have no choice but to keep going. What's more, I've made terrible mistakes in my life, done things that I have tried desperately to forget, and I've had to live with it. It's horrible, gut wrenching, heart breaking, but it's what makes us human. It's what makes us brave. Dying is the easy way out. Facing your demons, accepting responsibility for your mistakes, becoming a better person because of it – it's what makes us truly remarkable. I forgot that for a while. I used to think it was Gwen who reminded me of that, but I was wrong, Ianto. It's you who has truly made me remember what we are fighting for, and why this planet, this race is worth saving. You were misguided, Ianto, but honorable. You did this out of love, not some malevolent plan to destroy the world, not for financial gain, or for power or vengeance. You did it for love, Ianto. That's more than I can say for some of the things I've done. I think that's what made me so angry. I've pulled cons like you did, for much less worthy motives. You are a better man than me."

They sat in silence for a while sipping their scotch. Ianto finally looked into Jack's eyes. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry I called you a monster. I'm sorry I endangered everyone. I'm sorry I betrayed you. I'm sorry I used you. I was wracked with guilt if it makes any difference."

"It does, Ianto. You and I have much to discuss, but now is not the time. You need some time to heal and to process. I'll come back and see you in a few days. And, please, Ianto, no more guns. I need you on my team."

With that, Jack got up and swept out of Ianto's flat, taking the gun with him.

Ianto sat still, thinking about everything Jack had said. It almost hurt worse that Jack seemed to forgive him, but as Jack's words sunk in, he realized the intentions behind them. Death was the easy way out – the coward's way out. The true punishment would be to live with the pain of losing Lisa, the blood of two innocent people on his hands, the betrayal of the team, and the betrayal of Jack. This was his true punishment – to endure. Ianto curled into a ball on the floor. He would have to live with his pain, there would be no reprieve. The thought brought fresh tears to his eyes. He lay on the floor sobbing until exhaustion finally took him.