I do not own it.
This chapter has been long coming. It had weighted heavily on my heart for some time. When I originally wrote the last chapter I knew where this one would go. That being said I could not convince myself to sit down and write it. It is a difficult thing to put out there, as I am sure will be difficult for some of you to read.
I wasn't sure I wanted to go down this path. Something happened 2 months back that reaffirmed that it had to come to be. I will discuss that more at the bottom. Don't be mad, as I know not only has it taken me 8-9 months to finally come back, but this chapter will change the course of the story dramatically.
At first I also wasn't sure who's p.o.v it should come from; Edward, Carlisle, Bella or from the narrator. In the end I felt Bella's was best, aligning with what happened months back.
So carry-on.
I barely registered the blur of whites and tans as the floor disappeared from under my feet. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly as another wave of pain rippled through my body. I could hear movement and muffled words as Edward set me down on the table. Carlisle was there, helping to ease me down.
I lay back, feeling tears leak from the corners of my eyes. One thought crossed my mind, it was too early. The lights dimmed, almost darkening behind my closed eyes. Obviously Carlisle and Edward wouldn't need the light.
"Get her to Seattle," was all I caught as I tried to focus on Edward and not the pain coursing through me.
"It's too far," Carlisle replied. His voice sounded like a bad radio station, unable to get a strong signal. I could feel more pain and it threatened to take over my body. I gritted my teeth, trying to keep the screams of pain from escaping.
"Bella," I tried to focus on Edward's velvet voice. I couldn't. The pain was too much too soon. I succumbed to darkness, hearing no more.
"Bells," a light tinkling voice sounded through the dark. I slowly opened my left eye and saw Alice's sad smile looking at me. She wiped my head with a damp cloth.
"What's going on?" I croaked out.
"Carlisle was able to administer an epidural, so you won't feel any more pain, but things don't look good."
"What do you mean?"
"The baby is coming regardless. We are hoping you can have her naturally, but chances are, you will probably have to have an emergency cesarean. "
"Alice, it's too early," I felt tears prickling my eyes. Alice squeezed my hand. "She won't survive," I stated plainly. She nodded slowly.
"The odds are against her at this age," I felt the guilt settle over me. What was wrong with me? It broke my heart to know that I couldn't carry my own daughter to full term. I was about to be completely alone in this world. The last remnant of my family gone.
I closed my eyes and turned away from Alice. Tears poured down my face. I felt a cold finger wipe the tears away. A soft kiss placed on my forehead.
"I'm so sorry Bella," Edward whispered in my ear. I nodded in acknowledgement.
"I need to check her again," Carlisle announced as he entered the room. I kept my eyes closed tightly. I felt the sheet over my lower half shift, and Carlisle's cool hand easing my legs apart.
I took several deep breaths, relaxing as he slipped in and checked me. There was a deep pressure, finally letting up. I chanced a peek up at Carlisle, his face grim.
"I think we need to operate," he spoke more to Edward then me. I no longer had a say since my body failed me already.
"Now?" He asked, unsure. Carlisle nodded, and turned to get ready. Alice ran off, leaving us three alone. Edward gave my hand another squeeze before letting go. He stood, and started assisting Carlisle in preparing to operate on me.
Edward stuck a needle in the tubing that ran along my back, and came out from under my neck. My lower body immediately lost all feeling. Carlisle hung a sheet from a metal bar in front of me, blocking him and my lower body from view.
A wave of nausea swept over me. "Edward, I'm going to be sick," I turned my head in time to bring back whatever was in my system into the bucket he held next to me.
He produced a cool wet cloth to wipe down my face and mouth. He stood next to me, holding my hand; we waited for Carlisle to finish. I wanted to see my daughter. I knew I would never get to know her, but it didn't stop the longing from rising up.
"She's beautiful," Carlisle commented as he came around the sheet to show me my daughter who was struggling for breath.
He laid her on my chest, and Edward helped prop me up a little so I could hold her for the first and last minutes of her life. She fought to bring in the air. Her tiny body fighting and struggling to breathe. I saw the tears drop down on too her head as I said hello and good bye.
Her little frame shook, and a final breath drew in slowly, and released taking my sweet dear Grace with it. I kissed the top of her head, slowly stroking her cheek. I held her to me just a little bit longer, finally releasing her trying to hand her back to Carlisle.
Edward slowly laid me back down, unhooking the tubes and wires. There were more than I thought. I could slowly feel my toes, as the medicine wore off. I searched for Edward around the room, finally spotting him talking to Carlisle.
"Take me to my room please," I asked through thick tears. Edward finished unhooking wires, having Carlisle help him as he rolled me onto my side to remove the tube from my lower spine. He covered me with a blanket, and carried me back upstairs.
With one hand he pulled back the thick blanket and laid me down, covering me back up. He kissed my forehead and turned to leave.
"Stay," I whispered out, reaching for his hand. He nodded, climbing in behind me wrapping him around my body. Falling into a semi-drug induced sleep, I didn't dream.
*3 weeks later*
"Perhaps someone should let it leak out to Felix or someone close to him that I lost the baby, that way no one will come after us. I want to be left alone," I mused out loud again to Edward. He humored me, and nodded, but I knew deep down no one would do such a thing.
He was convinced no harm would come to me anyway. I was well protected, plus I had taken to seeking out Carlisle late at night to have talks with him. They mostly consisted of 'hello'. I would pull a book out of one of his shelves and settle in across from him.
This night would probably be no different. I had been trying to think of how to bring up the topic of my change, but too tired and scared of his reaction. Perhaps tonight I would have the courage.
From bits and pieces of conversation I had heard I knew once changed I could choose what I remembered. I knew immediately what two events I would never remember. My heart having broken beyond repair, I wasn't sure how I could go on. I didn't think I could continue to survive as a human simply because.
I laid my hands on my stomach, mostly out of habit, but feeling dread and guilt once again when I realized it was flat; there was no baby in there kicking to remind me I was a mom.
I suppose I still was, somehow. My life was basically the same as before. I wasn't as careful when doing things. I had even convinced Emmett to get me some beer. After I finished those I wanted something harder. I wanted to forget.
"Bella?" Edward stepped in front of me; I focused on him instead of outside. "I'm going hunting."
He kissed my forehead, and I let him go without another word. I looked out the window and saw him running off with Jasper and Emmett. I stood and straightened my shirt, a jolt of pain shooting straight to me heart as I ran my hands over my flat stomach. I took a deep breath, and headed down the stairs to Carlisle's study. Before I could raise my hand and knock he spoke from within.
"Enter Bella," I guess living with me all these months he knew me, my footsteps and my schedule now. I pushed open the door smiling sheepishly.
"That obvious?" I asked as I went in.
"You are the only one here," he raised his right arm indicating the dark and quiet house. I nodded and headed over to my favorite section of books. Pulling out the well-worn Jane Eyre I settled into my chair. I got about a paragraph in when I could feel Carlisle looking at me.
I glanced up and he was watching me with sad eyes. I marked my place and laid the book down.
"What's on your mind Bella?" I pulled my lower lip into my mouth, trying to figure out how to ask.
"Willyouchangeme?" I ran it all together. Nerves showing, I started fiddling with the dog eared pages.
"Have you talked to Edward about this desire?" I sighed deeply, setting the book down before I destroyed it.
"It's nothing but eggshells with Edward," I told him bluntly. I thought about how I hadn't exactly been forthcoming with Edward, possibly leading to the molly coddling.
"Perhaps when he returns you should come forward with everything; your feelings, this desire. Everything Bella. He deserves to know."
"What if he won't change me? I'm not sure I can handle any more heart break Carlisle. I'm pretty sure anymore might finally end me. There is only so much suffering humans can take," I automatically rested my hands on my now flat stomach, tears swimming on the surface of my eyes.
"Think about it, he won't be back until tomorrow. Don't worry I won't think about or even mention it to him," he smiled softly at me and went back to the paperwork on his desk. I reached for my book but then thought of another question.
"Are they a threat?" I knew he would understand.
He set his pen down, bringing his hands together resting his chin on the folded peaks. He took an unnecessary breath.
"Well, as of right now, no. Time means something completely different to them. What you may consider a year or possibly ten years is just a small leap in time. They move a bit more quickly understanding that you should be having your baby in about three months."
"So they haven't heard about me losing her?" I interrupted him.
"No, we have no contact with them. I know you have been telling Edward you want that, but right now we would rather not bring attention to ourselves. They don't know where we are, and if we bring you and the baby back into the forefront, they will come and hunt us down," I took in a shuddering breath, a bit relieved. At least the Cullen's, whom I had come to think of as almost my surrogate family, were in no danger.
I nodded and went back to the book, not focusing, the words were a blur and the scraping of Carlisle's pen kept me side-tracked.
I stood and returned the book to the shelf, walking towards the door, pausing before leaving, "good night Carlisle," I called out softly before heading back upstairs. Before heading up the final staircase I stopped at the final door; the one that had remained closed all these past weeks. I put my hand on the knob, but was unable to turn it.
I pressed my forehead to the cool wood; I released the doorknob like it burned me. I had desperately wanted to enter, but what would I find?
A nursery complete? Her little body cremated and placed in a small box on a shelf? It was her room after all. I had made the choice to keep her nearby. Unable to bury her.
I pressed my palm flat against the door near my head. "I love you," I whispered out into the dark. Tears silently streamed down my face. I turned and headed upstairs needing sleep.
"Wake up sleepy head, its late. I had to convince Edward to leave you alone, but he insisted on making you breakfast even though it's way after noon," I could barely keep up with Alice. I reached out to silence her, pushing her. She didn't budge but she stopped talking, choosing to laugh at me instead.
"Go away!" I yanked a pillow over my head.
"I have twenty seconds," Alice's voice barely a whisper came from under the pillow next to my ear. "Talk to him, at first he might seem reluctant, but tell him everything you told Carlisle, he'll say yes!"
"Alice get out," Edward growled at her. I felt the bed shift as her tinkling laugh carried down the stairs with her. "I made French toast. It smells horrible, but I followed the directions exactly, so I hope they are good," Edward seemed nervous as I climbed out of my nest of pillows and blankets. I gave him a quick kiss before using the bathroom. I cleaned myself up some, going back out to the delicious smelling food.
"It smells amazing, thank you," I leaned forward and kissed him. He left it chaste, and went about serving up my plate. I sat in my chair, the one that would have a permanent butt indention. I ate my food in silence, unsure of how to brooch the subject with him.
I finished my food, and turned towards him. He was looking outside, his hands in his pant pockets. This was the time I usually reverted into myself, and left him to entertain himself.
"Can we talk?" I started timidly.
"Yes," he answered without turning towards me.
"I think you should change me," I turned my attention to my nails, unable to see his face for fear he would reject me right out.
"Are you sure?" He seemed reluctant I would ask.
"I can't continue like this Edward. My heart and head can only take so much pain and heartbreak. I want to forget. I want to start over without these tragedies looming over me."
I saw his legs move as he took the seat next to me, shifting closer.
"Have you talked to Carlisle about this?"
"Last night," I looked up into his light honey eyes. He nodded.
"What did he say?"
"He said I should talk to you about it, that you deserved to know my feelings," I was nervous he would be mad at me.
"Why have you waited so long to tell me?"
"I was afraid of how you would react," I screamed out a little bit as he pulled me into his lap.
"I am afraid Bella. Of losing control, of you changing and deciding you don't want to be with me after all, and I will be alone for eternity," I could see how much I had hurt him over these last few months.
"I'm sorry," I whispered out, as I framed his face with my small hands. I kissed him quickly, and pulled back to look at him. "I trust you, and will always want you," he smiled a small sad smile. Kissing me slowly. It took a deeper turn, no longer the regular chaste kisses I was used to. He picked me up carried me back to the bed.
He laid me down gently, climbing onto the bed next to me. Kissing me slowly, starting at my neck working back up to my mouth. He pulled back and looked into my eyes. His had darkened with hunger.
"When?" Only one word was needed as an answer, if only he would go through with it.
"Now."
Massive An:
This chapter was not about me; the whole bit at the beginning. I had my son; he is healthy, sort of. That's a whole other can of worms, but the reason I chose to finally come forth with this chapter was a friend of mine gave birth to her daughter at 22 weeks pregnant. She survived 12 days with modern medicine. The odds were against her from the beginning, so taking that knowledge and knowing how backwards everything was in my story I was able to take a little bit of leeway and tweak this story line to my fitting.
Had a baby been born today at 24ish weeks the odds of it surviving are less than 50%. That's with the best possible medicine available. So I'm sorry if this chapter was hard to swallow, it was hard for me and both my kids are alive. I can't imagine losing a baby. I know how hard it has been on my friend, and I hope that translated to Bella.
I won't be promising a time line, but am hoping to get this story rolling again and a new story out soon. I have typed most of this chapter with my son in my arms. He's slightly spoiled! So if you are still there, thank you. And once again, I'm sorry for taking forever!