Chapter 10: Bonds and Friendships
Bella
It had been a few days since my visit to the meadow with Edward. Since that time we had talked about what had happened in the past. He had admitted that he didn't realize just how hurt I would be when he left. There were still some grey areas that we had yet to discuss, but we had time, and both of us were doing better about being honest.
Sitting in Carlisle's office, I was talking about what Edward had mentioned of not considering the emotional pain I would be in when he left.
"When I turned Edward, he was seventeen. While he has lived 111 years, and has studied and learned a great deal in terms of higher education, there are things like emotional development that can't be taught. In some small way he just didn't know how difficult it was going to be for you. Now that Edward has returned, and you have had a chance to open up to him about all that has happened, he is realizing that his original assumptions were very wrong. I feel responsible for not talking to him sooner about how you would take to our abrupt departure from your life."
"It wasn't your fault. Is he capable of growing emotionally? What I mean is can he really know what he put me through?"
"With time he will began to understand that better. As a vampire, we are all selfish beings at first. Finding our other half, causes a change in us, to think for someone aside from ourselves. Is this difficult to understand?"
"A little. It's hard because of how much pain I went through and how much hurt is still there. He says he wants to take care of me, but what if he gets tired of that. My worry keeps me from trusting him fully.
"Give it time Bella. I'm already seeing change in him. When we talk he's asking questions now about what he can do to help you. It has been a long time since my son has asked me for my help."
We talked for a while longer before I left his office, ready to go up to my room to write a few things down. Upstairs, I heard Carlie's laughter coming from the playroom. As difficult as it was, I resisted the urge to go see what was causing such happiness in her, knowing if I did go, I wouldn't want to write in my journal. She was with Edward, and had been for the hour and a half Carlisle and I had been talking. Sitting down on the bed, I took the notebook from the bedside table and wrote down a few things that Carlisle had given me to think on.
One aspect of Edward that I hadn't really considered was how his mind worked as far as the emotional understating of another person. If I looked back on our relationship, things happened that were quite impulsive, including that day in the meadow when Carlie was conceived. He fought to control that side of him, including his blood lust. Since his return, my thoughts had been on my pain. It hadn't occurred to me to ask him how it was for him being around me, or even Carlie. Was the blood lust just as bad for him as it had been the last time?
Our first visit to the meadow, I had asked about things I could do to make it easier on him, like wearing long sleeved shirts, and not exposing my neck to him. What was it really like having me around now? Those were all things I needed to ask him. He was willing to be with me, that much was sure. Thinking over the past week, he had spent a lot of time hunting with the family. Maybe that was a way he was trying to handle his thirst.
"Momma."
Carlie toddled into the room wearing only her diaper as Edward followed her, holding a shirt in one hand and her jeans in the other.
"She's been coming in here frequently to see if you had returned," Edward explained, as our daughter arrived by the side of the bed.
When I lifted her into my arms, she snuggled against my shoulder. "Did you let her get away?"
He smiled, nodding as he laid her clothes down in front of me. "How was your talk?"
"Good. He gave me quite a bit to think on, and also some questions that I want to ask you when we have the time," Carlie was still for me as I got her clothes back on. Once she was dressed, she was ready for me to nurse her. Edward walked over to the other side of the bed and sat down as she got settled in my arms.
"What would you like to know?"
Before I could respond, Carlie's hand patted my mouth, and when I nibbled her fingers she smiled at me, continuing to want my attention. "Maybe we should try later," I answered as her fingers patted on my chin."
Once he was gone, my full attention was on the sweet baby in my arms. "You are getting big. I need to go see grandpa and get your growth chart." My baby's eyes were fixed on my face, and as I finished talking, she pulled away from me. "Momma."
"What Carlie?"
Her answer was a big smile showing her teeth, reminding me that I needed to ask Carlisle about tooth care for her, or if that was something I needed to worry about. As she began to nurse again, her fingers wound around some of my hair while her green eyes focused on me. After crossing my legs in front of me, I began to rock her, humming a variation of my lullaby. It wasn't long before her lids began to droop. When she pulled away and rubbed her eyes, I laid her down on her side before sliding next to her humming, and nursing her until she went to sleep. These times with Carlie were my way of drawing strength to face what was ahead.
Once I'd put my angel in the crib, I left the room, going across the hall to the playroom. Everything was in its proper place. There were a few additional things. A fancy doll crib was on the right wall close to her stove. There was also a wooden rocking chair, Carlie's size, along with a doll sleeping in the crib. Carlie had two Aunts who were excited to get to know her, along with her Mimi, Esme. I was beginning to understand the excitement for them being able to buy things for her. As I looked back at the doll crib, I remembered never having an interest in dolls. Reading book after book was what I had liked.
As I turned towards the door, Edward arrived. "Do you want to talk?" When I nodded, we sat down on the daybed.
"What were you going to ask?"
How is your blood lust since we've been together?"
"It hasn't been too bad. I've been hunting more, but more than just that, there has been a change for me. Being away from you was more difficult than any separation from anyone I've ever experienced. Being back with you, the difference is my control is amazing. I'm able to focus on my feelings of love along with the need to keep you safe from the standpoint of my being around you. I've been able to push that blood lust away, and keep my focus on how much I care for and love you. With Carlie there is no desire or hunger, not just for me but for the rest of us. She doesn't appeal to us in that way."
His explanation, more especially concerning Carlie was a huge relief. "Carlisle said that being around me is more difficult, in the way of understanding my emotions."
"It used to be. I've lived my entire existence as a vampire focusing on my wants and needs. If I did something on impulse, like leaving Carlisle so I could hunt humans, at first I didn't care. I was angry at him for trying to keep me on the vegetarian diet My selfishness also kept me from understanding your feelings.
"Your diet was human blood?" He nodded. "What made you return?"
"Knowing that what I was doing was ultimately wrong. Carlisle had been right all along. I'd also reasoned with myself that at first, taking human lives wasn't wrong. The lives I took were all of men who would have killed other people. I had it in my mind that I was doing some good. The problem was, that I had no right to judge who would die and who would live. Even with the crimes they might have committed, it wasn't up to me to be their judge and ultimately their executioner."
Trying to picture him with red eyes, wasn't something I could do. I'd known him after that time. The only red eyes I saw were Victoria's. "The way all of you choose to live is wonderful. It will be a good example for Carlie when she's old enough to see that." Thinking of our daughter brought more questions to my mind. "Is there a way for us to know if she's going to be quick enough to hunt like you do?"
Edward nodded. "I've been looking online at old legends. None of them fit with how she is, but they had to begin somewhere. Carlisle is also researching. He wants a way to monitor her development more accurately."
Emmett's sudden appearance at the entry to the room was a surprise. He had a determined look on his face, as did Edward when I looked at him. A moment later, Emmett left us, leaving me curious to what he had just thought to his brother. Fortunately I didn't have to wait long for an answer.
"Emmett wants to know if you and Carlie want to come to a ballgame tomorrow evening. Alice said that the weather will be right."
It had been a long time since I'd gone to a game, and the idea of watching them play along with our little girl was appealing. "The noise might startle her."
"Let me talk to Alice, she might have some idea of how we can protect her ears."
After he had gone, I went back to my room looking down on my baby as she slept. Going out with the rest of the Cullens would be nice. We were limited to where we could go in order to keep people from realizing that all of them were back.
As I sat down on the bed, I thought about what it would be like for me, if and when I chose to be turned. Actually it was when. Being turned was something I'd debated while Edward was gone. Now that they were back, and our daughter was taking blood, along with the subtle differences in her such as lower body temperature, I had to wonder if she was going to live longer than a normal human. Having her outlive me was not an option. And the need to be able to protect her if something happened was also a powerful factor. Slowly, I was starting to figure things out, and more importantly I was beginning to realize that maybe I could trust Edward this time around.
The day of the game, two packages arrived via Fed-Ex. Carlie was on the floor in the front room watching Emmett and Jasper making a tower out of her Duplo building blocks. The structure was as complex as they could make it given the large size of the blocks. Rosalie was sitting next to her handing her different bricks of her own while I sat on one of the sofa's looking over some of my journal entries.
Across from where I was sitting, Alice had her laptop on her knees, and was typing something really fast. When she suddenly stopped and glided to the door, my eyes followed her wondering what was going on. From the back end of the house, Edward walked into the room along with Carlisle and Esme.
A moment later Alice was handed two packages by the delivery man, both taken immediately by Edward before he came and sat down next to me.
"What's this?"
He only smiled as he slit the smaller package open with his finger nails. From it he pulled out a box with a picture of earmuffs. "This is for Carlie to wear tonight." He put it on my lap before opening the larger of the two packages. From that box he pulled out another box with a picture of a backpack. "This is for you, or me to wear with Carlie inside during our walk through the forest."
In front of us, Alice was smiling, and I knew she had been busy, but didn't mind. Carlie did need something to protect her ears, and having a carrier like the one Edward was now removing from the box was going to be very convenient.
"Momma."
Our baby walked over, instantly investigating the boxes that were now on the floor.
"Do you want to try it on?" Edward asked, drawing my attention to him and the carrier. When I stood up he helped me get it on my back. It fit around me comfortably, and I could envision carrying our baby in it. I could also see him doing the same. "Why don't you try it on?"
After removing it from my shoulders and back, he slipped it on easier than I had. Once he had it in place, I leaned over and lifted our baby from the floor. "Kneel down a second."
Once Carlie was settled in the carrier, she began to pat her daddy's head and laughed as he started to walk around gently bouncing her. The carrier was going to be a success, and my excitement of the coming evening was growing.
"Hey, that's pretty neat. Do you mind if I try it?"
"Emmett, you're too big to fit in there," Jasper said. The two of them began to wrestle, and I moved over to where Edward was as Esme called for them to take it outside, which they did. Their antics were something I remembered from the last time. Emmett had a competitive streak. Idly I wondered what it would be like once I was turned.
My daughter's screech meant she was done being in the carrier. Once she was in my arms, Edward took if off setting it near the front door for use later.
"Mo, Mo. Da da, mo" Carlie clapped her hands and leaned towards her daddy when he came back for her. While he took her to play the piano, I headed into the kitchen to get a snack prepared, including preparing a cup of blood. My first time doing that had come this morning. Everyone had gone out hunting after being sure I was going to be alright in the house alone. I'd worried about being able to stomach getting the blood ready, finding that I could when I told myself that it was what my baby needed.
"May I help?" Rosalie asked.
"Sure, if you don't mind slicing up this apple, and peeling the skin off, that would be great."
While she did that I got out some yogurt and a banana and was putting that on the counter as Rosalie finished. She was also finished with the banana before I could get out the cup to put the blood in.
"If you don't mind getting out a bowl to mix the yogurt with the fruit." Rosalie worked fast and set things on the table as I brought the cup. "Thanks."
"You're welcome. How are you doing?" We both sat down, having some time to talk because the piano was still playing. It felt awkward having Rosalie's help when before she had always seemed angry at me.
"I'm beginning to do better. Before, I was having horrible dreams with what happened. Now that I'm here, and have someone I can tell everything too, as well has writing it all out, the dreams have stopped."
"That helped me a little too. After I was turned, and after everything had happened that caused us to have to leave, Carlisle urged me over and over to write down what I was feeling. I had a lot of self-pity, and resisted what he wanted. Finally I got sick of him reminding me, and did that."
"What happened, if you don't mind me asking?"
Edward came in before she could start. He got the snack I'd made for the baby and after leaning in to kiss the top of my head he left again.
Rosalie smiled at me. "He's finally taking some responsibility."
"I know. It's different and nice."
"I had a happy human life…" She told me what growing up had been like. How she had wanted for nothing and how she met the man she was going to be wed too. The happy picture she was telling me turned to tragedy, and I felt my own sadness mixing in with her story. How was it that people, human or vampire could be so mean? It wasn't fair to her that Royce had attacked her and stood by letting his buddies have at her, leaving her for dead. Now it was understandable why she would have been angry at me the first time around.
"I'm so sorry."
"Don't be. There are times I don't like being this way because of all the things I missed, but other times I think about Emmett. If I wouldn't have been turned, he would not have been saved. I'm the one who found him."
"Is it hard for you, with Carlie around?"
She glanced away from me for a second. "It is. When we got here and it was explained what happened. I was really upset. Carlisle had to remind me that I was dying and there would not have been a way to save me, if he hadn't have acted when he did. It still hurts, and I'm not blaming you or my brother, well maybe Edward."
When she laughed, I found myself joining her. This whole conversation was so surreal. After we talked, I went to the front room. Carlie was on Emmett's back with Edward holding her steady as he crawled around on all fours. Another moment to lock into my head during the times I was feeling down. Who would have thought that a big vampire like Emmett would be capable of playing horse with my baby girl.
A few hours before dusk, we set out for the ball field. Carlie and I sat in the back of the jeep, both of us well strapped in, while Edward drove. The rest of the family had gone ahead of us to get things set up. Our baby was clapping her hands as we began our way on the bumpy path. "Do you like this?"
"Momma da da."
"He is a crazy driver, isn't he?"
"I heard that," Edward called back to us as Carlie laughed along with me. There was something about being out of the house that had me feeling light and free. Twenty minutes later we arrived near the field and after we got out, and Edward had the carrier on, I settled Carlie inside.
"So how are you guys dividing teams?"
Before he answered he reached for my hand and I took it. "Emmett Alice and Carlisle will be on one team, Jasper Rosalie, and me on the other.
"That sounds fair to me. Why doesn't Esme play?" I'd noticed that in the few games I attended she was comfortable catching the ball for either team.
"She is there to keep us honest."
I wondered if when I turned she would actually try playing, though maybe not since someone would need to sit out with Carlie. When we reached the rest of the family, I took notice of the huge blanket that had been spread out along with several of Carlie's toys. Edward knelt down and as I lifted Carlie out, our baby began to cry and shake her head.
"Shh, you will get to be in there again, and this game is going to be fun for you to watch," I tried, but she continued to cry even as I sat down to show her the toys.
It was only when I got out some goldfish crackers, when she began to settle down. While the rest of the family warmed up, I got Carlie's ear muffs out of her diaper bag. When they were ready to play, I put them on her while she was drinking from her cup pointing at her daddy as he was the first one up to bat.
The ball Alice pitched was so fast I couldn't really see anything except a blur. Even so, Edward hit it just as the thunder rumbled overhead. The ball zoomed nearly to the forest as he raced to first base, and was half way to second when Esme whistled. Carlisle had caught the ball.
In my lap, Carlie was now transfixed on what was going on, and I wondered if she could see the ball better than me. When Edward's team switched to the fields, he left and came up to us.
Carlie reached for him, laughing when he tossed her in the air. That took my breath away, and I managed not to freak out by reminding myself that she was safe. "Can she see the ball?"
He looked down at me. "I'm not sure. She was watching us pretty closely."
"Come on," Emmett bellowed.
The game went on until well after dark, and by the time it ended, with Edward's team winning the game, Carlie was still awake, but just barely. Alice came over with Edward and Esme and while he put the carrier on, I stood up cradling my baby against my chest while she rubbed at her eyes. This time when I went to put her in the pack, she kicked her legs and started to cry. "I'll just carry her," I told him, not wanting to upset her.
"What did you think of the game?" He held my hand again as we went back to the jeep.
"Exciting as it always is. I wonder if this one will be able to play with you." I said, while kissing the top of Carlie's head.
"There is already talk of getting her a glove for her next birthday or for Christmas, that is if you approve." The idea of our daughter playing baseball seemed like a long way off, but I could also see that for her, someday. "Maybe hold off for a year or two. She's just learned how to walk."
He nodded. Getting our baby into her seat was tough even with Edward's round about method. Carlie was pitching a fit. Even when we began bumping our way through the forest, she kept up the screaming until she had to stop due to coughing. When we got on the main road, we were flying. Normally I wouldn't have appreciated the speed, but with Carlie's screams and the way she struggled to get out of her seat, I was all for speed to get us home.
Her tantrum continued when I got her out of the car, and even as I tried to let Edward take her, she didn't settle down in his arms. In our room, Edward held her while I got her undressed and had to hold her arms and legs as I got her into a clean diaper and her sleeper. Normally by the time she was dressed for the evening, she would start to calm down. Tonight she was in full rage, and I began to feel the panic that came when I couldn't settle her down.
The introduction to soft music playing from Edward's stereo system filled the room, before he came over to the bed where I was resting beside our daughter. Against the mattress, she was kicking her legs and screaming.
"Do you mind if I try something?"
"Please."
He got her polar fleece blanket draped over his chest first, before picking up her bunny and then her. Carlie leaned backward screaming more, so Edward moved his hand against the back of her head and neck while the other hand supported the small of her back and bottom before he began to waltz with her. For a little longer she continued struggle in his arms . As I was about to suggest a warm bath, Carlie stopped trying to push away from her father, grasping at her bunny before she was resting against his chest, rubbing her face against the blanket.
Her breathing was erratic, and my heart ached as she gasped for breath. Edward held out one hand for me and a moment later I was hugging him around our daughter as we swayed with her. Carlie's breathing finally evened out as a new instrumental piece began playing. I rested my cheek against her back trying not to feel guilty for letting her stay up so late.
"Momma."
When she lifted her head, I moved away from her daddy. After kissing her wet cheeks, he put her in my arms. Once I was resting in the bed with Carlie on my left nursing, Edward told us he would be back later.
"No, stay with us."
I held my hand behind me until I felt the bed shift before his body was against my own. "She's never been so angry, not even at the hospital."
"The next game won't go on as long," he whispered.
"I didn't know what to do with her. She didn't want me to hold her, and she was angry lying on the bed. I don't know why I didn't think of dancing with her like we just did. It's times like this when I feel like I'm doing everything wrong."
"Seeing her so angry both in the car on the way back and just a little bit ago wasn't easy for me either. I wasn't sure dancing with her was going to work. I guess we just have to learn what is going be best, as different situations present themselves with her."
"Do you think I hold her too much?"
"Not at all. She'll be more confident and more willing to come to you when she's having trouble, because of the love you give to her now."
"I don't remember too much about being little. There are some memories of taking a nap, or mom putting me down for a nap, and telling me to go to sleep before she left me alone. I'd always sneak and get a book to look at until I was tired enough to sleep. Later on she needed to be taken care of. A part of me feels this need to let you in, to trust that you're going to take care of me when I'm hurting. Then I think about how independent I've been and push that idea away. Now having you with us makes me feel safe." It was all so confusing at times, and that frustrated me.
"Being here with you feels right to me. Being able to spend time with both of you means so much. I've felt alone for a long time, and I hated who I was. I felt like a monster lurking in the shadows and it was more so when we met. You were so full of life and it looked like you had a plan."
"Not much of one. I wanted to graduate from Forks, and find my own way, but what I was going to do was a mystery, and it still is in respects to going to college and choosing a major."
Carlie shifted on her back and after covering myself, up I rolled over to face Edward. "How did you figure out what to do, once you got back to Carlisle and Esme?"
Edward reached out and tucked a strand of hair away from my face. "Carlisle suggested that I find something I wanted to learn. He was working at the hospital, and one day I came home from hunting and found a few of his medical journals on the dining room table. He had left them there hoping I'd read them which I did. Not much later I enrolled in college. First my focus was on a major in Math and Science."
"And them medical school?
"Yes. I've graduated two times with a medical degree, and interned with Carlisle once. By that time Alice and Jasper had joined us, and the story you are familiar with, of us being adopted by Esme and Carlisle began, as did our high school careers."
When I yawned, he traced his finger over my cheek. "Try and sleep."
"Stay until I am."
When he nodded I turned over and moved closer to my daughter, letting the fun part of the day have free reign in my mind until sleep took over.
Authors Notes: First as always, thank you all for reading my story. This chapter took a little longer to write, because I started to rush things, and I'm doing my best not too. I'm with the few of you who have written about Rosalie being nicer, and I like the idea of her and Bella, along with Alice of course, being friends.
Thank you all for the reviews and the new adds to various lists. I'll update again soon, may not be until Tuesday night, but there will be something new at that point.