Heisuke leapt to his feet when he saw the fourth unit run through the gates of the Shinsengumi headquarters. Takara was leading the squad, her brown fringe was plastered to her face by the wetness of the rain, her eyebrows knotted in a frown.

'Takara! Shinpachi and Sano have...'

Before he could finish his sentence, Heisuke was rudely cut off.

'The commander! Where is the vice-commander!' Takara demanded, panic in the edge of her voice.

'They're out on errands for the emperor, they're not going to be back until much later.'

'Damn it.' Takara cursed. 'Ayu-nee's in trouble. I'm going to Masuya to find her.'

Heisuke made a reach for the young girl as she turned out of the Shinsengumi and pulled her back.

'Don't you dare. Ayu-nee's not in Masuya anymore. A man came by earlier reporting the whereabouts of a few ronin carrying the body of a woman. Shinpachi and Sano have already set off in search for her.'

'But you can't expect me to just sit around and wait!'

'You were given strict orders to stand guard of the headquarters. You can't just go running off like that.'

'But..'

'Stay. Here.' Those were the final words he gave.

Takara slumped her shoulders in defeat and crossed her arms like a stubborn child. What else could she do but wait? Heisuke was right. She couldn't go out blindly on her own to search for Ayu-nee. She walked over and sat on the wooden flooring of the building, next to Heisuke.

She sat restlessly, crossing her legs, then uncrossing them again, running her fingers through her wet hair, trying her best to contain herself before she screamed out in impatience and worry. Was she the only one who was worried for Ayu-nee?

However, when she looked to her right, she saw that Heisuke was seated silently, but his head was bent low and his hands clasped tightly, as if in prayer.

Ayu-nee's life was hanging on a line, and everyone was well aware of it.

-

The rain had thinned to a slight drizzle, bringing a sense of serenity to them. Takara hadn't spoken a word for the past hour or so, anticipating the return of the 2nd and 10th unit. She and Heisuke had no idea what was going on. If they had found Ayu-nee yet, or if she still was alive, or worst still...

Takara's thoughts were interrupted by the outline of a few figures at the entrance of the Shinsengumi, drawing the attention of those in the Shinsengumi. They got up, startled, walking awkwardly to the group to see what had happened.

It was as if the world fell silent and she found herself frozen in time when she got a clear view of the people. Her head began to spin and she felt numb, as if she was dreaming, like she wasn't really there, but merely watching the scene pass her by.

It wasn't the sight of Shinpachi, Sano, or Tetsunosuke's sad expression, but the sight of Susumu carrying a lifeless body in his arms.

One that looked identical to that of their cook.

From the corner of her eye, she saw Heisuke, his body stiffened and tensed up when he saw them. He then lowered his head in respect, following behind them sadly while Takara could only look on in horror as they brought Ayu-nee's body in, to prepare for the funeral rites. Yet despite the big commotion about the matter earlier, this time, no one said a thing. The silence was deathly, the atmosphere still.

The last raindrop fell lightly from the sky as the sun emerged from the behind a cloud, lighting up the sky, and the cheerful sound of the chirping of the birds could be heard. The irony of the weather in contrast to her death. Takara stood rooted to the ground and watched them walk off, until she was the only one left in the courtyard. It was strange, how she felt a weird feeling inside of her, the same kind of pain she felt when she witnessed the death of her parents. At first her shoulders began to tremble as she bent her head down, unsure to laugh or to cry. It was all some kind of a sick joke. It had to be.

Then the tears began to form at the corner of her eyes. One drop, then two, then they rolled down her cheek so naturally.

It shocked her. All along, the sight of death had pleased her. Now, she was crying because of the death of someone.

No.. I can't...

She told herself to stop. But instead she let out a choked sob and finally broke down, falling onto her knees, the bottom of her haori soaked on the wet ground. She placed her hand over her mouth as she cried for the loss of someone so dear to her.

And those words Ayu-nee had said, ever so familiar, came back to her as clearly as a bell.

Maybe one day, when someone close to you dies, you'll realise what the loss of life means.

Ayu-nee had been right. And Takara wished she hadn't at all.

­-

Takara paced back and forth outside the training hall. She had excused herself from the preparation of the body for the funeral rite.

Usually it was a natural thing, but this time the sight of blood only made her want to hurl The fumes from the incense smelt like death, lingering in the room to haunt them. There was no way she could touch the body of Ayu-nee, cut and bruised, her bones broken. It was like a sacred relic, now ruined and broken. It pained her everytime she thought of what had happened.

But even as normal acquaintences with the cook, she felt such sadness, then how would Susumu feel? He had been the one to pick up Ayu-nee's body, bruised and broken beyong recognition.

She realised that she hadn't seen the shinobi since he carried his sister's body back. Where could he be? How was he feeling? Takara assumed that he would be on the roof, and she scaled the walls up to the roof, looking around for him.

Then she spotted him, sitting alone on the roof opposite, hunched over. His hair was soaked and let down, the top layer already of his uniform off as he had used it to cover the body of his sister.

Takara leapt silently to the opposite roof and knelt beside him.

His head remained bent down, not even giving her a glance. She bit her lip and placed an arm around him. Comforting was definitely something she was clueless about.

However, her arm around his shoulder made him feel much better, even though he would never admit it. It made him forget about the coldness he felt, both inside, and outside from his wet clothes. Susumu convinced himself it was just her body warmth.

'Susumu...' She started hestitantly. 'Do you want to talk about it?'

Takara gave herself a mental kick. That was a stupid question. Obviously he wasn't going to,

The older boy didn't even stir from his position, and mumbled a simple, 'I'm fine.'

Takara sighed. 'Come on, you can't keep bottling up your feelings. If you're feeling upset, then why can't you just show it? If you keep this up, you're going to..'

'Going to what?'

'I don't know. You're going to explode. Break down.' She exclaimed in exasparation. This conversation wasn't getting them anywhere.

'You're not exactly the right person to be telling this to me are you?' He answered curtly, this time looking up back at her. Strangely, his expression was the same, emotionless. But the pain in his eyes were more evident than before.

Susumu did have a point. Both of them were taught the same things as watchers, to never show her feelings. After all that was one of the weaknesses of a shinobi. And here she was, telling him to let it all out.

'That's true.' She admitted, 'But are you really going to stay like that? Look at the state you're in now. How are you even going to carry on? You may be a shinobi, but you're still human. We all are. Everyone is mourning her death, all the captains, even the commander himself. What makes you any different?'

There was a long silence. Apparently all the conversations Takara had with Susumu, a large portion of it was filled with silence.

This time, the silence was broken by the sound of Shinpachi calling for her. 'Takara.. The funeral rite's about to begin.'

Even the usually cheerful comedic trio was upset, the life in their voices gone. It was obvious that they were trying their best to hold back the tears as well, seeing that they were probably too, one of the closest to the Shinsengumi cook.

Takara took her arm off the shinobi's shoulders. 'You're not attending the funeral?'

'No.'

'Alright...' She said disapprovingly.

Before leaping off the roof, she gave Susumu a quick, awkward hug. The kind that her mother used to give her, when she still had a mother that was. It wasn't anything personal. Takara just felt the urge to do it, as if it were her reponsibility to offer him some sisterly affection because he had lost Ayu-nee's.

At that moment, Susumu wanted so badly to return the hug, to hold Takara tightly like he always wished he could hold his sister. He realised everything that he always wanted to do, to show his affection for Ayumu, but he never did.

She wasn't his sister. She wasn't allowed to love him like a little brother.

And now, she wasn't even alive.

The images of her flashed quickly through his mind, like pages of a torn and tattered book. Strangely, he could hardly even remember Ayumu, as if he didn't even know her. And to think that she was his sister.

It was painful to even try to remember.

-

Nagakura Shinpachi led Takara back to the training hall silently, his eyes downcast all the time. Neither spoke. The 2nd unit captain noticed that the younger girl's eyes were red and slightly puffy, and he guessed that she had been crying previously. It was funny. He had never seen her cry, but if three quarters of the other men in the Shinsengumi let out silent sobs when they found out the devastating news, why shouldn't she? Shinpachi himself felt the same way, but refused to let himself cry. He was strong, emotionally and physically. Ever since he was young, he never cried. Instead, he was the one to comfort others, to take away their tears. But he himself didn't need tears.

As they walked, they passed the red-headed page. Tetsunosuke spotted Takara and ran up to her, 'Have you seen Susumu?'

'He's on the roof.' She replied, trying to give a small smile. If there was someone who could feel the shinobi feel better, Tetsunosuke was probably the best person to do it.

The page nodded and ran off, probably to get a ladder to climb to the roof. The two captains continued on to the hall, sliding the shoji open and seating themselves silently in the second row among the rest of the captains. The first row consisted of Souji, Kondo-san, Yamanami-san, and an empty space belonging to Hijikata, who was not there yet.

Ayu-nee's body lay coverd with a white cloth in the front of the hall, incense burning beside her body. The entire room was silent, except for the restless shuffling of the men and the sound of stifled sobs. They sat in silence and bowed their heads in respect.

'If only... If only we had gotten there earlier.. This wouldn't have happened..' Takara heard Shinpachi cursing under his breath, whispering to Sanosuke angrily. His furious voice although soft, still broke the silence in the hall.

'Both of you, please. We're in the presence of Ayu-nee.' Souji turned around and told them off. Shinpachi nodded in understanding and bowed his head in apology. However, his hands gripped his knees tightly, creases forming on the surface of his garment.

Just then, the shoji was slid open again, this time forcefully and noisily.

'You're late Toshi.' The Commander addressed him.

The vice commander stepped in, seating briskly at his place in fury and bowing his head in respect for a few moments. Then he looked up again, and turned to everyone in the room.

'Saito and Takeda will deal with the captured ronin. We'll search the 4th and 3rd street.'

'Be prepared. We might have to move out soon.' He said curtly, getting up from his position and stormed out of the hall again. Takara watched as Hijikata-san came in, and left almost as soon as he arrived.

Not only was he angry, he was awfully upset.

Souji immediately got up and left as well, going after the vice commander. The rest of the men murmured silently to each other in reference to Hijikata's words. They knew the time was near. It was all coming down to the final battle with the Choshu.

-

'Hijikata-san!'

The soft and sad voice called out to him, but he kept on walking, his footsteps quickening in pace and getting heavier with each step.

'Hijikata-san!'

He heard it again, but chose to ignore the person who followed behind him, trying desperately to catch up with him. He was avoiding the sick churning feeling he felt inside, weighing down upon his chest. Failure. He told himself. It was the feeling of failure that made him feel horrid inside. He hated the fact that they had not succeeded.

The footsteps behind him came to a halt and the figure stood still, waiting for him to stop.

The vice-commader finally slowed down his steps and stopped walking. He refused to turn round to face the first unit captain that stood behind him, and remained in the same position, his back facing the younger man.

'Souji..' He started. We're going to drag that Masuya bastard out. So prepare yourself for the attack. Everything is prepared. Once i send Takara out to get the last bit of informa-'

'Hijikata-san!' The voice came out stronger this time.

The vice commander kept silent.

'It's.. It's not your fault.'

Souji's voice rang in Hijikata's head, as if the captain had read his innermost thoughts. Suddenly Hijikata realised that it wasn't the pain of failure.

It was the pain of guilt.

He lashed out at the nearest pillar, his fist swung against it, sending the vibrations throughout almost the whole building.

-

There was a soft 'plunk' against the roof.

Susumu looked up to see the tip of a ladder resting against the rooftop. Then there was the sound of someone grunting as that person climbed the ladder, before there was finally the sight of flaming orange hair.

Susumu bent down his head again and buried his face in his hands. Just what he needed. .

Tetsunosuke climbed on the roof, and balanced himself before walking over to the shinobi.

'Don't come.' He said coldly.

The page stopped in his tracks. There was silence and soon Susumu thought he had left, closing his eyes.

Suddenly, he felt someone sit down behind him, the other person's back leaning against his own. His eyes immediately darted open in surprise, and he saw that Tetsunosuke had not left.

Susumu half looked up and gave a painful smirk.

'Did the puppy come to laugh at the whipped dog? Or did he just come to observe my pathetic state?'

Tetsunosuke remained silent, ignoring the shinobi's comment.

'That day,' the page suddenly said, 'I had alot of stuff on my mind so I didn't finish my dinner. Let's see... We had grilled fish, boiled and seasoned food.. I didn't eat all of it.'

'I didn't eat all of..' Tetsunosuke continued, 'Ayu-nee's last meal. AND I didn't eat it when while it was hot...'

'I'm sorry Ayu-nee.. I'm sorry..' The page began to sob.

'Don't apologise.' Susumu finally said, trying to stop the puppy's sobs.

'...I'm sorry..sorry..'

'Quit apologising! You're so damn annoying...'

'I'm sorry...' The page brawled on.

Susumu sighed in exasperation and closed his eyes. After a while, Tetsunosuke finally got a hold of himself and dried his tears, controlling his sobs and quieting down.

This time, it was the shinobi who started talking. 'I.. need to apologise too.

She sacrificed herself, in order for me to become a full-fledged ninja.'

Susumu gave a cold laugh. 'What was I thinking? Running after her like that?

If I'd gotten killed like that, wouldn't it all be wasted?

Dammit... So what if I'm told now, I don't qualify as a ninja, I don't qualify as a brother...'

I feel like an idiot. And I'm pissed.

So pissed that it hurts..'

'That's not anger.' Tetsunosuke finally said, 'It's called sorrow.'

The page felt the older boy's shoulder begin to tremble, as Susumu covered his face, tears now flowing freely down. He bit his lip hard, trying to stop the tears, but they refused to stop.

'Not once..' The shinobi sobbed, gripping tightly onto the tile of the roof, as if wanting to break it, 'Not once did I call her sister...'

His hand grew white as they grasped hard at the tile. Tetsunosuke placed his small hand over that of Susumu's, and found it held in a tight grip. Susumu gripped tightly, crushing Tetsunosuke's knuckles in fury, crying tears that were kept inside for too long.

Tetsunosuke looked up at the older boy.

I'll bear the pain, until the crying behind me stops.

-

'You'll be sent to undercovre to Shimabara tomorrow, for a day or two, until you obtain the information we need.'

'Shimabara? But Hijikata-san! I can't-'

'I'm asking you to simply get information. You don't have to sleep with them unless it's the only way you can get it out of them.'

'But fukuch-'

'Are you implying that you're incapable of such a simple task? We won't make the same mistake of sending you right into Masuya, Takara. But Shimabara is sure to have frequent visitors from Masuya, and we need you to confirm that most of the ronin are hidden in Masuya, instead of raiding the place and causing an uneccesary commotion only to find that we've made a mistake. And the fact that they haven't seen you before, plays to our advantage.'

Takara remained silent as she sat opposite the vice-commander in his room. The vice-commander was in a bad mood, his patience wearing thin.

'Takara..' Hijikata said, breathing out a mouthful of smoke. 'Have you forgotten the reason why I agreed to let you stay in the Shinsengumi?'

She bowed her head down avoiding his gaze.

'Because you're trained enough to be a kunoichi..' He continued, 'Do you think that if you were not capable of being a watcher, I would have let you stay?'

'No Sir.'

'That's right. And so I expect you to live up to your expectations. I will tell Yamazaki about it and he will be sent to keep an eye on you. You are dismissed.'

'Yes Sir.'

Takara got up and left without any furthur arguments. The vice-commander's tone had been harsh, probably affected by the death of Ayu-nee. He had called her after the funeral rite to his room, and told her of her new assignment.

She detested it.

Shimabara, was a red-light district, and the fact she was sent undercover there, to work as one of the women there, it made her sink lower than she ever could. But what could she say? There was no other woman left in the Shinsegumi, now that Ayu-nee was.. dead.

As she walked with her shoulders slumped and her head tilted down, upset with her mission, and almost bumped into Yamazaki.

'Sorry..' She muttered. 'Anyway, the vice-commander wants to see you.'

He nodded in silence. Although he still seemed distant and cold, he looked like he felt much better, probably thanks to a miracle called Tetsunosuke.

Takara was walking off when he suddenly grabbed her wrist lightly and held her back. She was rather suprised by his actions, as it was out of his nature. The only time he would do that, was probably when he was angry enough to bash her up.

Instead, this time, he walked up to her and looked straight down into her eyes. Susumu never bothered to look her in the eye as he had always disrespected her, that she was unworthy. But this time, Takara felt intimidated when she actually made eye contact with him. It wasn't that he was glaring at her or anything, but she had never looked deep into his eyes, the way she did when she tried to read what people were thinking of feeling.

'About just now,.' He said, hestitating slightly, 'Thanks.'

Then he let go of her wrist and walked off to the vice-commander's room. Takara stood still for a moment and blinked. She could swear her eyes and her ears were playing tricks on her.

But it did feel good, to hear something good come out from him, to her.

That guy was finally opening up.