"Hey San and baby!" Matt says when I walk into the gym. I left my bag in my office when I taught a class earlier. I was in a rush to go pick up Ava from the Berry's house that I forgot to grab it.
"Hey." I hand Ava over to Matt who continues to gush over her while I go grab my bag. When I come back Matt is still sitting behind the front desk holding my daughter but it looks like she has gathered some attention.
"Santana, she's beautiful." Alexis smiles when I step up next to her at the front of the desk. Alexis comes to a couple of my classes a few times a week. She's been a member of our gym for about a year now. Besides her name, I don't know much about her.
"Thanks." I beam and smile over at my daughter.
"I didn't know you had kids?" She fishes for info.
"Yeah." I smile at Alexis and then reach over to take my daughter from Matt. "Just this little one." I tickle Ava's side and she giggles. "Well I got to go. Errands to run and stuff." After paying some bills and doing some shopping, I got back to Matt's apartment to have some time with my daughter.
I've been staying with Matt for almost three months now. That's how long it's been since I left my house to get better. My life is mostly hanging out with Ava, work, the gym, AA and sleeping when I can. The first couple of weeks were the hardest. While Rachel understood my need for space, it was still hard for her to accept. She kept asking me to come home and when I didn't we would either argue or not speak to each other. Eventually she came around and we made a little arrangement. I have certain days that I keep Ava and days that I come over for dinner. Rachel has attended some of my AA meetings with me. And despite all the arguing and bickering we do, she's my number one supporter.
"…I know Rachel." I sigh into the phone. "Babe I know how to take care of my kid."
We have this conversation anytime I have Ava over night. Rachel is just so use to having Ava and myself around that it's weird that she has the house alone. And it freaks her out not being able to watch over Ava through the night. Rachel's a typical first time parent, she freaks out about everything. It only annoys me when I'm super tired but any other time, like today, I find Rachel's need to tell me how to do everything regarding our daughter adorable.
"I know. I know, I just…" Rachel trails off.
"How about," I pause to put my sleeping daughter down on my bed. I make sure she's comfortable and warm before sitting down on the floor next to the bed. "…Ava and I come have lunch with you tomorrow?"
"You don't have to. I know you wanted to relax before going with Matt." Rachel tries to argue. "And you are still coming over for dinner, right?"
"Yes. Of course."
"Okay then. Let's just stick to the plan." Rachel sighs. "I need to learn to accept that I'm not always going to be able to tuck her in. I mean…one day she'll have friends and they'll have sleepovers."
"Yeah." I just sit back and let her ramble.
"And she's with you. There are no better hands she can be in."
"Yeah."
"San?" Rachel huffs. "Are you even paying attention to me?"
"Of course."
"Right." I can just see her rolling her eyes.
The next day goes as plan. I spend the morning playing with my baby and then we go to Jessica's, Matt sister, house for lunch. His family loves me. The kids love jumping on me and having me run around playing with them. We had a good time.
Ava fell asleep about ten minutes ago, that's how I find myself leaning against the kitchen counter watching my wife finish cooking dinner.
"I wish you could have made it to Jessica's." I tell Rachel when she hands me our plates to take into the dining room.
"I know. It's just with finals and everything I'm just trying to help these kids as much as I can." Rachel follows me into the dining room. "I'll have to call Jessica tomorrow and see how she's doing."
Over dinner we talk about Jessica and the kids, Rachel's classes, and my nursing job.
"..I still think you should lay off some classes at the gym." Rachel informs me while getting her plate ready to take into the kitchen.
"I know." I nod my head in agreement. All this work is burning me out. I've been using it as a distraction but I need to stop and get back in the habit of my regular schedule. I can't rely on being distracted constantly to get me through the day without a drink. Life just doesn't work that way.
"And I will. Promise."
"What are you doing?" Rachel asks when I stop her from walking pass. I grab her by the elbow and pull her towards me. I'm still sitting down at the table but I have pushed the chair back.
"Come here." I take the dishes from her hands and sit them next to mines. "I'll take care of those."
"San." Rachel giggles when I pull her down onto my lap. "What are you doing?" Rachel is now sitting sideways on my lap.
I shrug and look up at her. "Dinner was great."
"I bet. Anything is better than all those quick microwave meals you've been having over Matt's." She jokes.
I run my hand up and down her leg while we sit in silence for a few minutes. "Everything okay?" Rachel breaks the silence.
"I was thinking maybe of spending the night." I admit quietly. "I mean, if that's okay with you."
Rachel laughs. "Baby, you never have to ask if it's okay to stay at your own house." She kisses my forehead. "It's always going to be okay."
I nod. "No sex though." Rachel frowns. "I just…as much as I want you because obviously," I grin. I'm pretty sure she can feel my hard dick poking her through my pants right now. "I really do. I'm still going through the motions and I think we should be on good page before we go there."
Rachel and I might live separately but we are still very much together. We still do all the little things we did before but less arguing. I've stayed over at the house plenty of other nights. We've had sex a few times but afterwards things would get crazy between us because Rachel would want me to just come home and I'm just not ready yet. I feel like I soon will be but nows not the time.
I can see that Rachel is fighting back a retort. She really wants to question what I'm saying but she's holding back. "If that's what you need."
"Hey." I take my hand and move her head to face me. "I love you."
Rachel gives me a teary smile. "I love you."
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"Last night my wife...she…" I get chocked up a little so I start over. "Last night my wife asked me a question."
It's the next day and I'm at my AA meeting. We are just going around and sharing our stories or whatever we want to talk about.
"We were lying in bed and she turned to me and said 'did I do something wrong? Did you drink because of me'," I can feel the tears coming down my face but ignore them to get this off my chest. "I swear I could feel my heart break."
I didn't sleep for more than thirty minutes last night. My conversation with Rachel just kept playing in my head over and over again. I can't believe I ever made her question herself. I made her question her role in my life. In my madness.
*Flashback
"What?"I tighten my arms around her. I'm spooning her.
"I said,"
"I know." I cut her off before she can repeat it.
"I'm sorry, Santana." Rachel tries to turn around in my arms but I hold her still. "San…"
"Baby no." I kiss the back of her head, then her ear. I put my lips right next to it before I start to speak quietly. "You just don't know Rachel."
"So tell me." She whispers.
"Baby you are the reason I get up every day. You and Ava." I start. "You and our daughter is the reason I get up, why I work, why I try." I pause to get myself under control. "You are the reason I stopped drinking. I drunk because I was weak and I was selfish." I admit. "But you, baby. You held onto me. You reminded me of how strong I can be. How strong I am."
I kiss her ear again and tell her I love her. "Don't cry, baby. It's going to be okay."
*End of flashback.
"My wife, Rachel…" I whip my eyes, smiling as I tell the group. "Strongest person I know." I hold up my 90 day sobriety token. "She reminds me every day of how strong I am. Three months strong."
TBC
a/n: Sorry it takes me some weeks to update. I just don't like to rush. I don't have chapters written in advance, so it takes a little time. Also thank you guys for all the love you guys are showing this story. You guys are great. Any and all feedback is appreciated. Even if it's just to yell at me to update lol