A/N: Did you really think this story will remain angst-free for long? But do not fret, little ones. It's always darkest before the dawn, isn't it?
When I finally made the decision to buy the house Caroline found for me, there were many reasons for that. It was a pretty sweet deal; the location was perfect; the yard was huge, but not obnoxiously so; the rooms weren't too big or too small, and it had a nice, homey feel to it the instant I walked in through the door. But there was one thing that had me sold, and it wasn't pool or the furniture that came with it or the small garden right under my bedroom window. It was the window itself. No, I am not weird, nor do I have a strangely specific fetish. There is a very simple explanation. The window faces east. Meaning, the first thing that greets me in the morning is the sun on my face.
I've always loved the sun, I think. My whole life. Probably comes with being born and raised in California. And, you know, when I moved in here, I was in a bad place. Everything that happened between Jade and I, and the added guilt of hiding from Caroline… I was on the verge of breakdown. The only constant in my life was the sun rising every day to greet me, forcing me to leave the bed I so desperately wanted to lie in the whole day, or the whole week, or the whole month. Reminding me I had a life to live.
And today, I am lying in that same bed, with that same sun spilling soft morning light all over me and her, kissing the alabaster skin I spent the whole night worshipping. I follow the trail of sun along her arm with my finger, smiling when she stirs and tightens her hold on me.
God, she's beautiful. And under the light of morning, she's ethereal, all marble skin and full lips and sleepy smiles and stormy blue eyes, still hazy with dreams.
"Hey," I whisper, and her smile grows bigger as I trace my finger down her cheek, memorizing every little detail about her all over again.
"This would be so much more fun if we were naked," she rasps. Her voice sends shivers down my spine that I don't bother to hide.
"Well," I smirk. "I was strongly for the idea. You're the one who went all proper on me last night."
"Not that proper," she notes smugly. Her hand travels south, grazing the hem of my cotton t-shirt before tracing lazy circles on my stomach. I roll my eyes.
"Oh, yes, how could I forget. You did slip me a little tongue twice when we – gasp – kissed. On the mouth. Outrageous."
Jade scowls. It doesn't really work. I spot her smile right away, even if she is trying to hide it. Finally, she gives up and breaks out into a beaming grin.
"I was guarding your chastity, you know."
"Oh, I'm afraid that ship has sailed a long time ago, thanks to someone in this room," I laugh.
And then I'm not laughing anymore, because Jade pales and abruptly sits up. Shit. Oh shit. Fuck me and my big mouth.
"What… what did you just say?" Her words are trembling, and, as I look down, I see that her hands begin to tremble, too.
I am in shit so deep, Mariana Trench is a fucking puddle compared to this.
"Jade…" I start, but then I just trail off. I honestly don't know what to say. I can't tell her it's a joke, because it's not. And I don't know what's worse: that she unwittingly forced herself on me or that I never let her know she was my first.
Who robbed who of what?
Her eyes are wide and wild as she searches my face for answers.
"What does it mean? What… How? I don't understand."
I fucked up. And I have no choice but to tell her the truth now.
"Around two months after we first started sleeping together, back in high school. When Beck invited you to spend Christmas with him and his family and something went wrong and there was a lot of homemade wine involved and…" I hear myself say the words, but I don't feel my mouth moving. All I feel is my heart beating erratically as Jade pales more and more, until she becomes slightly green.
"I climbed through your window," she whispers. "I climbed through your window and barely woke you up before undressing you. And I already came prepared, wearing that, that thing. You tried to tell me something, but I was… I was drunk and hurt and- oh God." Before I can react, she's up and running, disappearing in my bathroom. I hear the sound of retching. It doesn't sound like there is anything coming out, so I deduce she's dry heaving.
Oh God.
While I debate whether I should go check on her or – I don't even know what should I do, really – she emerges, looking absolutely lost. And small. She looks so small. I did that.
"Jade," I try again, but she cuts me off.
"I thought it was Ryder, you know?" She starts. She's trying very hard not to fall apart, not to let her voice tremble – I can see it in her hands, clasped together, knuckles white from pressure. I'm fairly sure her fingers will bruise later. "Your first. I beat him up. Because you got drunk once and you cried and said you'd want to change the way your first time went. I thought he… I thought he did something bad but it was me. It was me all along and you never said anything." She takes a deep, shaky breath. This time, she can't stop tears from falling. I leap from the bed, rushing to comfort her, but she physically recoils from me. "No, don't! You can't – Tori, you can't possibly want to touch me after… How can you even stand to look at me?"
This is it. This is my chance.
"Because I love you," I say. "I love you, and I know there are a lot of things we could've done differently, but right now I wouldn't have it any other way. We've worked past it, jade. We've paid our dues."
She looks physically sick. Pained. Her throat constricts as she speaks.
"Obviously not all of them. Can't you see it? I'm toxic. Everything I touch becomes tainted. I…" She swallows, hard. "I took it away from you. The one thing that… I can't. I just, I can't, I have to go," she grabs her clothes from a chair, hastily changing.
I can't let her go. Not now.
"Jade, please!" She stops at my sudden cry, watching me with tearful eyes. My heart pauses painfully at the sight. I honest to God have no idea what to do, but I know I can't let her go, not like this. So I start talking. Babbling, more like it.
"Look, please, just hear me out," I start. I don't make any move to touch Jade, hoping the sound of my voice will be enough for now. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I should've told you a long time ago, and Jade, it's all on me. You had no way of knowing I was a virgin; I never mentioned anything to you."
"Don't." Her voice is suddenly cold steel, and I take a step back, before I realize it's directed at herself. She's furious with herself. "Don't do this, Tori. Stop defending me; stop making excuses for me, because I am the last person you wanna be defending. I never stopped to ask you if I was making you uncomfortable. I never stopped to ask for consent, Tori; it was rape, and you know it."
I flinch at the word. She's wrong. She's wrong… Isn't she?
"I have to go," she continues, and her voice loses some of its hard edge. She's looking at me, really looking at me, like she always does. Just a girl in love. "It's a lot to take in, but… Don't think for a second that I'm not sorry. Or that I somehow blame you, because none of it is your fault. And…" She swallows, and her gaze grows impossibly soft, tender. "Don't think for a second that I don't love you. Because I do. I love you, Tori, so much, and I never stopped. But I can't be here right now. I'm so, so sorry."
This time, I don't do anything to stop her, too stunned by her words and a whirlwind of emotions it stirred inside me.
The sun is still shining as I sit back down on the bed, burying my head in my hands, and it's still caressing my skin as I finally break.
And the day looked so promising.