Chapter Ten

September, 1967

"You're sure you'll be okay?" Rosalie asked me worriedly. Her slim fingers tucked stray flyaways of my pale blonde hair behind my ear. "College life is different than high school, Tess. There's more freedom, but with that comes—"

"I'm fine, Rose," I said, stopping her hand with my own.

"Don't mind her," Emmett said, nudging my shoulder. "She's just got empty nest syndrome."

"Me?" Rosalie scoffed, turning to Emmett. "Last night you were near tears at the thought of Tess forgetting to call home or deciding not to visit during break."

I laughed at Emmett's sheepish expression. "I'm definitely not going to forget to call home. Besides, you're over in Chestnut Hill—not exactly far from campus."

Despite myself, there was a bitter tinge to my words. It wasn't that I didn't want my family to be close. I certainly wanted them to be near enough that I wouldn't feel their absence profoundly. But eight miles away from Radcliffe seemed a bit too close, if you ask me.

Of course, it could be worse. Rosalie or Alice might have enrolled at Radcliffe along with me. Thankfully, the Cullens tended to stay away from colleges in general. High school was easy for vampires to fool; they were in and out and no one was the wiser. The Cullens were more wary of colleges, because they tended to stay in touch with alumni—reaching out via the post or hosting class reunions.

"Don't worry, hon," Rosalie said, catching onto my discomfort. "We'll only come down to pick you up when you're on break. Besides, we're busy helping Carlisle, so we'll be totally out of your hair."

"Yeah," Emmett said, and a shadow of apprehension passed over his face. "We'll be working."

"It'll be fun," Rosalie said in a half-convinced tone. "We'll be helping people."

"You two are definitely going to quit after the first week," I said breezily.

Emmett immediately straightened up, "Is that a challenge I hear?"

Rosalie groaned. "Oh, no—"

"I'll bet you thirty-five dollars that you'll be out of that hospital within the week," I said, crossing my arms and meeting Emmett's golden eyes with a lofty gaze. "In fact, I'll throw in an additional thirty if you decide to quit because you're tired of washing bedpans."

Emmett nodded thoughtfully. "Alright, and if I last the whole term, then during summer you've got to intern at Carlisle's hospital—"

"There's no way I'm doing that," I cut in. It wasn't the hospital I was worried about. Wheeling patients in and out of the emergency room and helping file away records were all tasks I could handle. What I couldn't handle was Carlisle's droning. If it was even remotely related to medicine, Carlisle went on and on like a broken faucet. I couldn't possibly bear an entire summer having him over my shoulder, reciting facts about blood cell count and EKGs by rote.

"Well, then the bet is off…" Emmett trailed, a familiar competitive gleam in his eye.

"There will be no bet," Rosalie said immediately.

"But, Rosie—" Emmett began.

"It's Tess's first day at Radcliffe, and we're not ruining it by talking about the terms and conditions for a new bet." Rosalie turned back to me, and relaxed. "You sure you're going to be okay, Tess? Remember, you can always call if you need anything. You have Esme's number in case of emergencies, right? And Carlisle's hospital's number? And—"

"I'll be fine, Rose," I said, and laughed at the familiar overprotective nature. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit excited to half a whole term to myself, without my family's constant, watchful eyes and hovering. "I've got everyone's numbers."

"Okay," she said, but she still wasn't smiling.

"You guys had better get going, right?" I said, glancing down at my thin wristwatch. It was nearing one o'clock, and I had an orientation in a half hour. "I'll call you later tonight, if you want."

Rosalie nodded immediately, and I saw a glaze overcome her eyes as she pulled me in for one final goodbye hug.

"Don't worry, Rose," I said, patting her back. "I'll be fine."

"I know," she said, but her voice was wavering.

From behind Rosalie, Emmett mouthed, Bet still on?

I gave him a subtle thumbs up, and he beamed.

January, 1968

The spring semester had only just begun, but I was already slowly being crushed by a mountain of homework. The only thing I missed about my family during times like these was their incredible speed. If I could think and move my hands as fast as they could run, I'd have this essay done in less than a minute.

"This is the worst!" Anna said out loud, throwing down her pencil, and laying her head against the lounge table in defeat. "Why do professors always assign tons of homework when we get back? What did we do to deserve this kind of torture, Tess?"

I patted her on the back sympathetically. Anna was in my seminar course, and we were both hurriedly trying to finish up an essay draft that was due by the end of the week.

"We paid for it," I deadpanned.

"I know," Anna moaned, lifting her head up and resting it on the hilt of her palm. Her short, dark hair clumped up around her hand. "But you would think they'd be at least a little sympathetic, right? Like, I've got work for my other classes, too."

I merely shrugged, and tossed my own pencil on the table, giving up for now. "I think each professor just thinks their class is the most important, you know?"

"If I were a professor, I'd give one assignment per month and grade with a generous curve. I'd hold office hours and give all the students biscuits and tea when they stopped by."

"Everyone would get an A, and you would get fired," I laughed.

"Not if I snatch tenure first," Anna grinned.

"Would you really want to become a professor, though? Like—think about it. You've got to do so much more schooling: a master's, and then a PhD."

"Oh, I definitely wouldn't become a professor," Anna said immediately. She straightened up and leaned back in her chair. "I'm already dying after one semester. imagine doing this for like—what—four? Six more years?" She shuddered. "And undergrad is the absolute worst, 'cause you don't know what you're going to do yet, so you're just cramming all these classes in, exploring all the options. You barely have time to relax and do hobbies you once enjoyed because you're so busy trying to find out what you can do when you get older."

I found myself nodding along to her. "I wish I had all the time in the world to just...figure it out, you know? Like, I could just drift through life and engage in anything that caught my interest. There wouldn't be any pressure like there is now."

My thoughts flew again to the Cullens. That's more or less how they lived their lives. Carlisle had gone through centuries on earth, just learning and learning and learning about anything and everything he could get his hands on.

Anna made a face, wrinkling her nose. "Honestly, I'd hate that, too. There's got to be boundaries. It can't be too little time or too much."

"Why not?" I said. "Who wouldn't want to have eternity to do everything?"

"Eternity is too much time to do everything," Anna said. "Could you imagine? You'd do all the stuff you always wanted to do, spend your time immersing yourself in whatever comes your way. And then, when barely a fraction of time had gone by, you'd be done. There'd be nothing left to do, because you'd done it all. You would spend the rest of your life just trying not to be bored, just flitting from distraction to distraction, endlessly repeating all the things you once found fun until they became boring, too."

I swallowed thickly, and glanced away from her. I stared blankly at the ashy grey of the lounge table. I hated to admit it, but Anna had a point. There was a reason Rosalie and Emmett and the others spent year after year just repeating high school, confined within the four walls of that small classroom. There was a reason we darted from town to town, setting up a new house and new lives that were suspiciously like our old ones—Carlisle as doctor, Esme as home decorator, the kids in school….

When I thought about it the way Anna framed it, it was hard not to think about how still, solitary, and one-dimensional the Cullens' lives were. When you had eternity, where was the hurry? They passed through life like a leaf in a steady breeze, and I was beginning to think that might not be such a great thing.

"I think if you just alternate between the things you have to do and the things you want to do, you'll be basically fine," Anna mused. "That's why I want to travel after I graduate. Then maybe I'll come back and keep going at the books, or settle down or something."

"Travel?" I echoed.

She nodded. "I really want to go to Italy! Could you imagine seeing the Colosseum with your own two eyes? It's on my bucket list."

My brows furrowed. "What's a bucket list?"

"It's like—" she paused thoughtfully. "It's like all the things you want to do before you die. You've never thought about that?"

I didn't know how to tell her that I hadn't exactly planned on dying at all, so I just shook my head.

"Well, it's dead useful, no pun intended," Anna laughed. "Isn't there something you want to do before you die?"

The answer flew from my lips: "Open an art gallery."

Anna's brown eyes beamed. "Now that's a goal. You should totally do that one day."

But how could I if I were changed? It would attract too much attention.

Before I could stop myself, I said, "I'll be twenty-one next year."

Anna looked at me funnily. "So? You don't need to do it before then, just whenever you can."

"No—yeah, I get it," I said, picking up my pencil and deciding to return to my essay.

I stared blankly at the half-filled page of looseleaf as Anna picked up her own pencil with a heavy groan. How could I concentrate on this now? All my thoughts were swirling around my family, and how I had got it all wrong. They weren't free from the constraints of time. They were trapped. They stood still in a world that kept moving, with or without them.

February, 1969

I would never admit it but I was a little nervous. I had no reason to be, of course. It was only my family. It was only my family and a huge, life-altering decision that I had to make.

Alice rubbed my shoulder consolingly as she came to sit besides me on the couch.

"Have you seen it?" I asked, turning to her.

"I think your head is all in a jumble," Alice said, not quite meeting my eyes. "I haven't been able to see clearly into your future for the past couple of days."

"Oh," I said, and leaned back into the plush couch. My eyes flickered to a close, as I tried to list the pros and cons of becoming a vampire, which was a completely insane task to be undertaking.

Who in their lifetime was ever presented with the choice of becoming a vampire? From all the stories Carlisle and Esme had told me, no vampire had ever really had a choice when it came to their transformation. It was either an act of mercy—like when Carlisle bit Edward during the Spanish Influenza—or an act of power—like when the Volturi collected humans suspected with a gift and bit them with or without their consent.

But here I was, hovering on the cusp of an enormous decision that would change the course of my life.

"No pressure, though," Edward said, strolling into the living room.

I rolled my eyes at him. "Glad to see you could join the party, Edward."

Carlisle clapped his hands together lightly, shifting everyone's attention to him. Esme was right at his side, shifting between watching me tenderly and glancing at the others around the room. Alice was still sitting next to me on the couch, with Jasper behind us. Emmett was hovering near the couch as well, close to me, but also trying to maintain proximity with Rosalie, who was hanging out near the edge of the room.

From what Emmett had explained to me this morning, Rosalie was trying to remain as impartial as possible. Somehow, this translated into Rosalie keeping away from the rest of the family. I wondered if she was trying to sort through all her own thoughts like I was.

"Alright," Carlisle said, and all eyes were on him. Rosalie stopped pacing around in the back, and stood up straight. She was biting her lip furiously, and her eyes were already beginning to glaze over. "We'll just begin with a cursory overview. Let's hear everyone's side and then what Tess thinks at the end. We'll vote afterwards. I believe this is the most fair process—everyone gets a word in, but Tess will have the last say. Any disagreements?"

As expected, no one disagreed.

"Wonderful," Carlisle beamed. His kind, murky brown eyes locked onto my green ones, and he gave me a sympathetic smile. "I'll start, shall I? While I personally don't see the point in inducing the transformation when there is no life-threatening need for it, I'm not against Tess's transformation."

Rosalie turned away. Besides me, Alice relaxed. I simply grew more tense, and my thoughts became even more muddled. There were so many mixed signals in what Carlisle had said. He didn't want to change me, but he would? What the hell did that mean exactly?

"I can understand how it might feel for Tess to slowly eclipse more than half of her family in age," Carlisle continued. "It is, as she said a couple of years ago, rather alienating. If transforming would make her feel more comfortable amongst us—and if she truly wants to be transformed—then I believe we should support her in this."

"I'm on the same page," Esme said warmly, reaching for Carlisle's hand. "Tess, if this is what you want, then I'm on your side."

I smiled weakly at her.

"Edward?" Carlisle called.

Edward shrugged, and looked down at the floor. "I just—I'm not sure if you'd want this, Tess. It's a lot more than you think. The thirst is honestly half the battle…." He glanced at me. "I'm sorry, Tess, but I don't think I could vote for this out of good conscience."

Edward's withdrawal of support only added to my growing agitation. This was Edward talking—Edward who bent the rules when I was eleven and snuck me chocolate ice cream when Rosalie wasn't looking! Now he was sticking to the rules, talking about 'good conscience'? Had I really misjudged this whole vampire thing so badly?

"Well, I'm for it," Emmett said, and Rosalie's head whipped to him so fast, she might have broken it were she human. He looked down at me, ruffled my hair, and smiled. "I can't have you getting any older than me, champ. You'll start lording your age over me, and I just can't have that. Besides—if you're a vampire, we can finally have that arm wrestling game."

Although Emmett's words were coated in humor, there was an undercurrent of desperation. We had had this talk before, Emmett and I, and it was less about me getting older and Emmett's growing fear that I might up and die one day.

"I'm for it, too," Jasper said. "Things will just get easier if Tess is changed. We won't have to run from town to town the normal way anymore. There'll be less—" he hesitated, "—worries about thirst."

"And I'm for it, too, so we've got the majority," Alice piped in. "If this is about preserving humanity…well, we did raise Tess till adulthood. She's experienced basically all there is to experience—"

"No, she hasn't," Rosalie snapped, stalking forward. "There's so much in the world, Alice. You don't even know the half of it."

Alice's eyes softened. "I'm sorry, Rose—"

"It doesn't matter," she said briskly. Rosalie turned to me. Her eyes gleamed with tears that she was unable to shed, and her hands fidgeted at her sides. "Tess, I'm sorry, but I'm against it. I know it's not what you want to hear, but the truth is...it's just not worth it. None of this is. I want you to have a long, happy life. I don't want you to be—to be trapped like this, somewhere between living and dying. Food tastes like ash. The thirst constantly lingers. No sunlight. Seclusion from other people. It's not worth it."

Once upon a time, I wanted to be a vampire more than anything. But I had only been a teenager then. Now, I was much older, much more invested in the world. I had to return back to Radcliffe on Monday. If I changed now, my friends would definitely know something was up.

And I had another year before I graduated, so it couldn't be then. And I wanted to open that art gallery one day, so it couldn't really be in the foreseeable future, either. And...if I got successful...perhaps not ever.

"Well, we've heard from everyone," Carlisle said, bringing Rosalie's emotional outburst to a close. "Tess?"

"I—well—" I surveyed the faces that surrounded me. There was a mix of calm, worry, apprehension, excitement, desperation. I swallowed thickly. I could always change my mind, right? "Thanks for the support, everyone...but, you know what? I think Carlisle said it best. There's no need to becoming a vampire at this exact moment." I smiled sheepishly. "I think I'd rather stay human for now. Sorry for wasting your time."

"Oh, you didn't waste anyone's time, sweetheart," Esme said, still smiling softly. "I'm glad you've come to a decision you're comfortable with."

"I'd say she wasted my time, to be honest," Edward said.

I was about to retort, but then Rosalie took me in her arms, and hugged me fiercely. I stood stock still in her embrace for a second before hugging her back tighter, my cheek pressed against hers, my life pressed against hers. I could only imagine what she was feeling—relief? Happiness?

I knew I should have probably felt happy, but I only felt a dull sense of contentment. The past couple of years of my life had been completely devoted to this moment. How many sleepless night had I spent staring up at my shadowy ceiling, trying to figure out how to pitch my transformation to my family? How many days had spun by with me imagining what it would be like to go to sleep as a human one day and wake up as a vampire the next?

The moment had finally come, and I had simply watched it pass by. I didn't know if I made the right decision or the wrong one, but it was a decision. I was glad the weight was off my shoulders, that some understanding had been reached. And although I was looking forward toward my future and what it held for me, a small seed of reluctance rested in my head. I just wasn't sure if I was missing out on something or not.

A/N : sorry for the late update; i was absolutely swamped due to finals, but now i'm finally free! i know this chapter might have been a bit boring (it was a bit of a filler chapter), but i promise things are really going to speed up next chapter and onward. also, thank you to everyone who left me reviews! they're very encouraging! :)

and, thank you so, so much peterbutter for the kind review! i'm so glad you're enjoying the story and tess so far! demetri is definitely coming in about five chapters, and i hope you'll like the way i've characterized him :)