"I love Reid."

Noah's arms crossed automatically and he shook his head from side to side.

"Please Noah." Luke pleaded softly, the anger he was displaying only minutes before held at bay in his attempt to placate the other man, "Please hear me out? Okay?"

"I can't. I'm sorry but I can't. I just can't."

"It's important."

Noah lifted his eyes; staring despondently into Luke's. The air seemed to evaporate, leaving the two of them suspended in a suffocating vacuum. If it had been anybody else standing before him Noah could have rebuffed them; but this wasn't just anybody, this was Luke; and Noah's defences just weren't strong enough.

"Not this." Noah's jaw clenched, "You can't ask this of me, Luke."

There was a pause while Luke visibly gathered his thoughts.

"What was that in there, Noah?" He asked tentatively, changing the direction of conversation and loosely gesturing toward the bedroom.

"I don't know."

"Yes you do." Luke responded quickly, "I felt it. I know you did too."

Noah nodded, giving in and frowning in concentration; becoming lost in a detailed examination of Luke's countenance. He couldn't resist gently cupping Luke's cheek in one hand, wondering whether it was the last time he'd ever get the chance to, "It was love."

"Yes." Luke whispered capturing Noah's extended wrist and rubbing it with the pad of his thumb. "You wanted me. You still do. You love me."

"I don't know why I even tried to deny how I feel about you Luke. It's the one thing I could never lie about. I've been with other men… yes…" Noah watched Luke's eyes close in pain. "But it was always meaningless." They opened again, fastening Noah to them and leaving him with no choice but to finish the discussion. Whether he wanted to or not. "You're the only man I'll ever love. I know that for a fact and I've accepted it."

"You make it sound like a bad thing. Like it's something you have to learn to live with."

Noah dropped his hand with a sigh, "Wanting you and having you are two separate things. They always have been. But I don't regret loving you and, despite what you might think, I'm not angry with you."

"I'm not angry with you either."

"You seemed angry just now."

"It's… it's more because you could when I… I couldn't…"

Noah's frown deepened, "I don't understand."

"I've been with other men too." Luke had a habit, when he was emotionally stressed, of wringing one finger within the fist of his other hand. It was a tell Noah knew well and Luke was doing it now, staring down at the floor; gathering his thoughts. "Not just Reid."

Noah fell back against the wall at this revelation, his feet shaking; his heart cracking even further.

But Luke ploughed on regardless, "When you left… like you did… without trying to fix things… It really hurt. I think more than all the times you pushed me away."

Noah tried to speak, to beg him to stop, but Luke held up his hand.

"Just let me say this. Please? Let me get this out."

Luke made a point of moving further away from the main apartment door, as though he expected Noah to try and physically fling him through it at any moment. He slowly exhaled, collecting himself together again. "I fell for Reid."

To Noah it was the purest form of torture, but Luke wasn't going anywhere until he said what he needed to say. Noah knew that for certain. Bathed in nausea, skin clammy, he braced himself against the wall; the brick cold against his back.

"I was angry with you so I let you go." Luke continued. "At first I pretended I didn't even care if I never saw you again. I went on dates with Reid… when he had the time. Just to dinner mostly. We never really did the things you and I did."

Noah wasn't sure, but he thought he detected a flash of bitterness in Luke's tone at that.

"And it was good. It really was. Reid and me… we do work… in a way. I mean..." Luke waved the explanation off, "It was just different."

Noah sniffed. It was taking a great deal of effort for him to keep listening.

"And I was okay at first because, deep down, I figured eventually you would call me. You'd call and tell me you still wanted to be my friend. I wanted that Noah! More than anything else at that time in my life I needed that from you!"

Exhausted Luke sat heavily on the arm of the sofa, still doing that thing with his hands; head bowed as he recalled those memories. "But you didn't call. Not the first week or the second and by the third I was going out of my mind!"

Guilt chocked Noah. So wrecked at the time, consumed by jealousy, he'd not been able to consider Luke's feelings. Or, rather, he didn't believe Luke cared. "I was hurting Luke."

Luke looked up and caught Noah's eye. The blonde nodded as way of understanding.

"I tried with Reid." He continued, "I really tried to make it work. I wanted it to work. And maybe it could have, you know? But in moments when we were alone…"

"Luke…"

"I couldn't."

Noah's heart skipped a beat. He held his breath.

"I couldn't sleep with Reid."

"You…" Noah could hardly believe what he was hearing, "never?"

"Not with Reid. Not with any of the other guys I picked up in bars when Reid finally got fed up and dumped me."

Noah was dumbstruck, struggling to get his brain around what Luke was saying. He ran a hand through his hair.

"I wanted to prove to Reid… and to you… that I could move on. I wanted to believe that I could. Because I was scared, Noah… to go back to us…"

Noah slid down the wall and placed his head in his hands, leaning his elbows on his knees.

"One night I met this guy in Yo's. Some collage kid. I took him into the back with every intention of letting him fuck me," Luke laughed bitterly, "Instead I crumbled. I think I must have scared that kid half to death because he just left me there on the restroom floor. I don't think I've ever cried so hard or for so long." Luke rubbed at his eyes; already red raw. "God… but I just missed you so much, Noah."

Noah squeezed his eyes shut. It seemed that while he was trawling the L.A. nightclub scene, fucking anything that moved in a misguided attempt to feel better; Luke was back in Oakdale trying to do the same. And worse! Needing him! Really needing him!

"Reid came looking for me. I don't know why. He was worried I guess."

Noah snorted with scorn but Luke didn't seem to notice.

"He took me back to his apartment, wrapped me in a blanket on the sofa and stuck a mug of hot chocolate in my hands; complete with mini marshmallows, like I was some stupid kid." Luke smiled fondly at the memory. "He treated me like a kid."

"Yeah, you and everybody else." Noah whispered under his breath.

"He gave me such a telling off. Said I should grow the fuck up and stop being an idiot. He asked me what I was trying to accomplish by pulling those men in bars and whether it actually made me feel any better."

Noah rubbed his own shoulders feeling the built up tension there. After not wanting to hear what Luke had to say, he suddenly found himself hanging on every word.

"I told him that it made me feel like shit. And do you know what he said?"

Luke waited for Noah to look up and as soon as he did dropped to the floor; holding the gaze as he crawled over to where Noah sat; obviously afraid Noah might bolt if he moved too quickly.

But instead Noah asked, "What's that?" Genuinely curious.

Luke turned and sat up against the wall beside him, mimicking Noah's pose and posture. They both kept their eyes fixed straight ahead. "He said I should wake up, that a three year old could tell me where I belonged."

Noah summoned up every amount of bravery he had left; which in relation to all things regarding Luke wasn't very much. They both turned their cheeks against the wall to face each other.

"Where's that?" Noah asked, desperately hoping he already knew the answer.

Luke reached out for Noah's hand and waivered just a moment before touching, slowly lacing his fingers through Noah's.

"Wherever you are… I belong where you are."

Noah's forehead dropped to where their hands sat joined against his knee. He rubbed his lips back and forth over Luke's entwined fingers. He so badly wanted to believe that was true.

"All this time," Noah chocked, "I thought you were with Reid."

"If only you could have stayed, Noah."

"I couldn't…" Noah sobbed.

"I know. I don't blame you bubby. It's like you said last night… everything was just…"

"Circumstance." Noah nodded slowly.

"By the time I realised I couldn't be without you, it was already too late. You had cut yourself off from me completely. You were gone and not a day has gone by when I haven't felt that regret."

Noah lifted his head back up to rest against the wall, "I've wasted so much time…"

"We both have…"

Their heads turned and their eyes locked as always.

"So what happens now?" Noah asked, reaching up to move a stray bang that kept stubbornly falling across Luke's right eye.

"Well," Luke replied, sniffing tiredly as he pressed their foreheads together, "I don't know about you but I could sure use a nap right now."

Fighting heavy eyelids of his own Noah used the wall to leverage himself up to standing, pulling Luke up with him. They swayed before each other for a moment, regarding each other in a renewed light.

Luke made the first move, running an arm over Noah's right shoulder and curling the other around Noah's waist. Noah buried his nose in Luke's skin and inhaled deeply. He still smelt of sleep and fear, sweat and sex. It was intoxicating.

Too tired to even make it back to the bedroom, Noah pulled Luke by his hand and led him over to the large and utterly inviting sofa. As they collapsed onto it Noah wrapped Luke tightly in his arms.

Someone's foot kicked Noah's abandoned coffee mug from the tabletop. It dropped to the floor and a black stain spread quickly through the beige carpet.

But for once the usually compulsively clean Noah couldn't have cared less.

He didn't know what the future held. He couldn't consider that. He pressed a kiss to Luke's sleeping lips and fell into a dreamless slumber.