A/N: Thank you all for being so patient during my hiatus. I have taken the bar (won't know results anytime soon) and gotten over an illness that followed quickly after. I hope you enjoy this chapter! Again, a big thanks to my beta, bigeasybreezy, for her help!
"Fuck." Blaine trailed his fingers down the steel grey curtain. The snow and ice outside confirmed there was no way he'd be leaving Kurt's apartment anytime soon. Blaine's shoulders slumped a bit, and he moved back towards the couch and collapsed against it where he had been before. Nothing NOTHING was going his way. He should have never followed Kurt to his apartment, never even gone to meet him this morning. And now it was getting darker and evening was coming on and he was stuck here.
Kurt was just plain being awful, and after hearing all of that nonsense out of his mouth, Blaine had lost his cool and exposed way too much of what he actually thought. Damn it, he was stupid. He wanted to escape; his heart pounded and his mind screamed at him to get out of there, to get anywhere but in Kurt's gaze, but damn this ice; there was no way he could.
His eyes instinctively skittered around the room looking for an escape. Finding none, as he knew he wouldn't, he sighed and resigned himself to things being once again out of his control. So instead of running, he moved back to the couch and tucked his legs up to his chest. He pulled a pillow up to his chest and rested his chin on it, burying his nose deep into it. Tears started to burn his eyes again, and he was at a loss to fight them off. He was so frustrated and the tears fell hotly, burning his cheeks as they fell, angering him even more. He was worthless, pathetic and crying over how he couldn't leave. What a fucking baby. Kurt must think he truly is a piece of garbage. A grown man crying over the fact that he can't leave. So fucking stupid.
He could hear Kurt moving to be closer to him, and he barely had the strength to address his presence other than to jerk further away from where he supposed Kurt was. He curled sideways into the couch, drew his knees closer to his chest and hugged the pillow tighter to him. "Stay away from me. I can't, I can't do this, Kurt. Just let me be, and I'll leave as soon as I can."
He managed to cut himself off before the word vomit started again. His face was getting red from his anger and frustration as well as the embarrassment coursing through him because of his reaction to having to stay. It was awful and what he had been trying to avoid. He hated feeling powerless, hated having everything out of his control. Normally, he could control something in his life, even if that something was as small as his eating, but now Kurt had taken even that away from him and nothing was up to him.
Blaine could sense Kurt kneeling near where he was sitting on the couch. A few moments passed and Blaine heard him sigh and he seemed to move away and go into the kitchen. It was only then that Blaine relaxed a little and let his guard slip. Head still buried in the pillow, he let his mind run. What was happening? Everything he'd said to Kurt was true. He'd lost everything, felt horrible for years, and was a worthless piece of shit. And Kurt couldn't come back to him now on a whim because it interested him for a millisecond to hang out with Blaine. It couldn't work that way.
Blaine had known for years that Kurt hadn't wanted him. He wasn't a toy and couldn't be picked up and dropped for Kurt's amusement. Blaine had let Kurt do enough damage. Blaine just couldn't open his heart up enough to let him in.
But Kurt had managed to wiggle his way in just a bit. It'd been over a month since they'd run into each other the first time. Kurt had tried to find him after that and seemed to be trying to reach him for some weird reason. He'd been nothing but nice since they'd met again. Blaine tried to wrap his head around his completely conflicted feelings, but it wasn't working well and his brain just felt stretched and stressed. He was already so tired from everything that had happened, and he didn't have much left to fight with.
Pain coursed through Blaine, making his heart physically ache and his breath come in short gasps. He knew heartache could physically hurt – he'd learned that thanks to Kurt. But this was somehow worse. Everything he'd wanted for years was coming true. Kurt was back in his life and wanted to be there, evidently. He was being so nice and caring; he looked just like he had so long ago, and his eyes shown with feeling when Blaine could manage to meet them. But Blaine felt that he desperately needed to keep Kurt away. Kurt had done this to him before, but long after he had been hooked. He couldn't let it get to that point again – he knew how that ended. Blaine desperately felt the need not to be noticed, to move through life in the background; otherwise everything hurt too much. He'd gone years not feeling and being able to hold all of this off, and now Kurt weaseled his way back in and the pain and anguish and the hurt that touched every inch of him all came back with him. And it sucked.
Blaine didn't know how long he sat there, crying slightly into the pillow, which he was also sure he was ruining because it was a micro-fiber kind of thing, and it somehow made him feel better. Knowing that something in Kurt's life wouldn't be so perfect – that maybe he would hurt a little too. He felt so stupid thinking this because it was just a pillow, but it was at least something – something that wouldn't be perfect in Kurt's life because of him.
The tears eventually stopped coming, and he wondered where Kurt was. He couldn't have left the apartment, but Blaine was grateful that he'd given him some time by himself. He wiped the last of his tears on the pillow and turned his head to the side, taking in the rest of the room. His eyes swept over the immaculately clean living room, walls lined with bookshelves which appeared to be extremely organized with a decently sized entertainment center in the middle which he had seen before when he'd been there. The walls were various shades of grey and matched the art on the walls perfectly, much of which included pictures of Kurt's family in black and white. He hadn't been thinking much the last time he was there, and it seemed like he was taking it all in for the first time.
Seeing Kurt's family pictures on the wall, all professionally done some time after his graduation, made Blaine's heart ache even deeper. There was Finn's dopey grin and Carole and Burt looking at each other with such love. The largest of the photos, in a place of honor among the rest, was a picture of the four of them, arms across each others' shoulders, Kurt and Finn in the middle, all of them smiling with such joy at being together. It was the family Blaine had always wanted to be a part of. Every problem he'd had with his own family vanished when he was with Kurt's.
They'd practically adopted him their last year in high school and their first year in college. When he went home for the weekend, it was always to Kurt's with a short stop at his own parents' house. Kurt's parents, they never yelled at him or called him a disappointment, they didn't ignore him or tell him how dreadful he was at everything he tried. They came to his performances and hugged him when he was done. They had included him in the family photos when all three boys graduated high school, telling him he was one of theirs now.
But they hadn't seen him in years. How ashamed they would be of him. They had lied too, when they told Blaine he was one of theirs. They'd never reached out to him after Kurt had broken his heart. Except for the box of cookies he received for Christmas the year Kurt had dumped him from Carole with a little note telling him to hang in there, he hadn't heard from any of them again. They'd hate him now for sure, just like his own family did and just how Blaine hated himself. Why would they be any different?
Blaine sat up slowly, and stretched out his back, which ached in protest at sitting in the same position for too long. His neck was full of knots as well, but he ignored the pain, almost welcoming it; he'd take physical pain over his heart aching always. It made it easier to ignore the heartache. Finally his eyes went to the doorway to the kitchen. He could hear a teapot start to whistle and stop as someone, presumably Kurt, took it off the burner. While he was staring at the archway where a faint but warm light was filtering in from the kitchen, Kurt appeared.
"Hey," he said softly, leaning up against the entry way into the living room. "I, um, I made some tea, if you'd like. I had some of that chamomile you used to like so much and I thought, well, if you don't that's okay too."
Damn it, Kurt, Blaine thought. Always being so perfect and knowing exactly what he needed before even he did. It wasn't fair. He wanted to be left alone, but Kurt seemed to be so good at finding little ways to chip away at him and get down to everything he'd kept hidden. "Um, yeah," his voice cracked slightly, emotion hanging heavy in it, "I'd like some, I think."
"Okay, I'll bring you a cup. No sugar or cream, right?" Blaine looked up at him, a bit dazed, and nodded his head in response.
"No sugar, no cream," he responded quietly. He rested his head on the pillow again, facing the room and contemplating. It was a little unsettling that Kurt remembered these little things about him after all this time. He remembered the same little things about Kurt like how he preferred his coffee in the morning and how Diet Coke won out above all other beverages after 11 in the morning, about how he hung his clothes and the order he ironed them in, but Blaine had always figured that everything about him was trivial and Kurt wouldn't be bothered to remember those type of things about him. He wasn't that important.
His brain throbbed with the heavy thoughts weighing it down. His knees started to shake, and he could feel the tremors in his arms where they wrapped around them. He was falling apart. He'd held it together for so long. What was Kurt doing to him? And why the hell did he have this power when all Blaine wanted was to disappear.
Kurt came back in a few minutes later and handed Blaine a steaming mug. It smelled delicious, and Blaine couldn't help smile a little as he held it right under his face, the heat of it warming him and offering comfort. He ignored Kurt as he set his own cup down on the coffee table in front of the couch and sat near Blaine. He eventually did glance up at him when Kurt didn't move from where he was sitting to even pick up his mug.
The silence was becoming increasingly awkward, and so Blaine said the only thing he could think of, "'S good. Thanks," and looked away quickly again, sipping tentatively at the hot liquid, enjoying the burn as it made its way down his throat.
Kurt cleared his throat and ducked his head to get into Blaine's line of vision. "Hey," he started quietly, "I want to talk with you about something, but I need to know that you'll listen to me. Can you do that for me? I know I have no right to ask anything of you, but it would mean a lot to me if you would. Please?" Kurt's voice had a pleading tone to it that made Blaine want to listen to him despite all his reservations to the contrary.
"I . . . I," Blaine couldn't think of an excuse not to listen to him. "Fine." It would be easier to just shut up and let him talk. He didn't have to listen if he didn't want to. He could just let him talk and sip his tea and leave as soon as possible. Kurt couldn't control him. What could a few words he could tune out hurt? But he wasn't prepared for what came out of Kurt's mouth and within moments his eyes were glossy with tears again.
Kurt had fucked up. He knew he had. Blaine was so precious and he just didn't seem to understand that fact. Blaine was worth ten times what he was, in his opinion. He was so brilliant and funny, talented in so many ways, and he'd loved Kurt with a fierceness that he'd missed ever since. Kurt had never doubted his relationship with Blaine, never thought about even the possibility of Blaine cheating on him or leaving him because it wasn't Blaine; it wasn't them. That is, until he'd screwed everything up.
And now he was doing it again, screwing everything up just when he'd gotten a chance to fix a few things. Blaine had collapsed back into "his" spot on the couch and was curling away from Kurt and in on himself. Kurt knew Blaine needed some time to himself after realizing that he was stuck here after his outburst, and Kurt needed some time to himself to decide how to approach him again. They were stuck in his apartment at least for the time being, and he needed to use this time to the best of his ability to break through to Blaine. He wasn't sure he'd be able to find him again after Blaine left this time.
He moved closer towards Blaine, just wanting to touch him or reassure him in some way, but he heard him tell him to get away, to leave him be. Kurt had to force himself to walk the other way, back out to the kitchen and give Blaine some space. He hesitated in the archway between the kitchen and living room, glancing back at his old love curled on the couch in obvious anguish. Kurt could feel the last of his heart shatter at the sight; Blaine never deserved any of whatever had happened to him. It absolutely broke Kurt's heart.
Kurt knew he had done this to Blaine. He'd started it, in any case, and it was his responsibility to fix what he could. Kurt sighed, walking into the kitchen. It wasn't just his responsibility; he wanted to do it as well. He wanted to see Blaine bounce into a room with that big ridiculous grin on his face excited over some new artist or some new discovery he'd made. Kurt missed those moments dearly, and he desperately wanted to do whatever he could in his power to bring them back.
He puttered around the kitchen a bit, not really cleaning, and strained his ears to hear any noise out of Blaine in the other room. He heard nothing but muffled sobs coming from the other man and decided to leave him alone for a while longer.
He knew touching Blaine had triggered him in some way. It broke his heart to know that his touch, just his fingertips through layers and layers of fabric would cause such a reaction out of a man he had once shared everything with and touched everywhere. His mind felt like a broken record, repeating over and over to itself that there was something so wrong with Blaine. Something had happened. But the real question wasn't what had happened; rather it was how to get even a minuscule amount of trust back so he could help him in some way.
Hot tea had always helped Kurt think better, so after a few minutes of sitting at his kitchen table trying to rack his brains for ideas, he decided to make a kettle. As he poured water into his cherry red kettle, he remembered how much Blaine used to love chamomile tea in the evenings. He put the kettle on to boil and waited for the whistle. Once it started he moved it to his trivet and went to check on Blaine to offer him a cup.
Blaine had his head turned to the side, apparently surveying the room. His amber eyes were red-ringed from crying, dark circles still evident underneath. Slight quiet hiccups were hitching his breath, giving away his recent sobs, and his arms were still tugging his knees close to his chest. He was the image of insecure and damaged. All Kurt wanted to do was run over and hold him close. He had to fight every instinct he was feeling to stop himself from acting on his impulse and hurrying over to him; it would have disastrous results if his touching Blaine's knee had been any indication.
"Hey, I, um, I made some tea, if you'd like. I had some of that chamomile you used to like so much and I thought, well, if you don't that's okay too." Kurt tried to read Blaine's face as best he could, but it was difficult with the lights low and Blaine tucked up on himself all the way across the room. His eyes seemed to scrunch closed at Kurt's words, and he seemed to struggle to find an answer.
"Yeah, I'd like some, I think." Kurt heard Blaine's voice crack in the middle and chose to ignore it. It just solidified to him that something was very wrong, and if he was lucky, on that fateful day a month or so ago he'd run into Blaine in time.
"Okay," Kurt replied a little on the cheerful side, "I'll bring you a cup. No sugar or cream, right?" Kurt was hoping that he remembered this correctly. He wanted to make it the way Blaine preferred, but he also wanted to show him that he remembered. He remembered everything.
Kurt remembered the way Blaine's curls were tousled in the morning when they woke up together, bodies pressed tightly in the morning, the way his eyes smiled first as he woke up, how it was always no sugar, no cream, and how his bow ties always hung on the back door of the bathroom to air dry. He would never forget these details, even after eight years. It was these details about Blaine that had made Kurt still feel so closely tied to him. Without them, he would have let Blaine slip away.
Blaine's quiet voice came from across the room, "No sugar, no cream." Kurt nodded in response and went back into the kitchen to get the kettle and the cups. He brewed the tea as quickly as he could and brought it back into the living room with him. A thought came to him while the tea was steeping, and he decided it would be the best route to approach Blaine. It was a long shot, but it was all he had and Kurt was running out of excuses to find him and keep him close.
Kurt maneuvered back into the living room, handing Blaine his cup when he reached for it and setting his own down on the coffee table in front of them. He sat as near to Blaine's tucked up legs as he could without risking setting off a reaction. He faintly noticed that Adele was still crooning in the background and he waited. Blaine finally glanced up at him from his cup.
"'S good. Thanks," Blaine's eyes shifted away from him again as he looked anywhere but at Kurt.
"Hey," Kurt started quietly, "I want to talk with you about something, but I need to know that you'll listen to me. Can you do that for me? I know I have no right to ask anything of you, but it would mean a lot to me if you would. Please?" Kurt's voice became pleading at the end, and his hands started to shake faintly. The hope he held in his heart showed through with the slight rise in his voice, his body leaning marginally closer to Blaine's. Either he noticed the movement or his mind subconsciously registered it and a following "get away" thought, but he also moved backwards, away from Kurt, only stopping when his back pressed against the couch arm.
"I. . . I," Blaine paused and seemed to resign himself to listening to Kurt. "Fine."
Kurt decided to plow ahead, trying to get through to Blaine with his last ditch effort to reach the other man. Kurt took a deep breath and angled himself into Blaine's line of vision, even if he wouldn't meet his eyes.
"A long time ago, when I first met you, Blaine, you were so amazing. From the beginning, I was so . . . so captivated by you. You'd already been through so much and come out stronger on the other end. You showed me what it was to be me, how to be me in this shitty world. You were the only one there for me who told me that if I had courage I could get through all the crap and hurt and heartache and just be me. You helped me to become the man I had always wanted to be. You did that; before we were even together you were the most amazing, strong, and caring person I'd ever met.
That man, Blaine, is still inside you. He's still there; that amazing man you were before I did this to you, before the world came down on you. You just need to dig deep enough to find him. And I want to help. No matter what happened after me or what I did wrong, you were completely blameless in our break-up and I accept how horrible what I did was. I don't know what happened after us, but I know I did this damage and I want to help you get through it. I was right about myself – I didn't deserve you and I wasn't worthy of you. But you – you're still that amazing man who convinced me to keep going, that my life was worth living. And yours is too, Blaine. Despite everything, you are still you and that's pretty fantastic. I want to help you any way I can, just like you taught me to. We can still find you in there Blaine, through the hurt and pain I put you through and everything else that's been thrown on top. If you'll let me help. Please."
Kurt searched Blaine's eyes the entire time he spoke, looking for recognition, understanding, hope, anything. About half way through, they flickered over to Kurt's and held, amber and shiny with unshed tears. As he finished speaking, Kurt tentatively reached out and offered his hand to Blaine, hoping he would take it and with it accept the help and support Kurt was offering him. He didn't dare touch Blaine, but waited, desperate for Blaine to choose to move to him.
Blaine's eyes flickered between Kurt's eyes and his outstretched hand. He worried his bottom lip between his teeth and sighed so quietly Kurt wasn't even sure if he heard it. Blaine seemed to struggle with himself for a few seconds before tentatively letting go of his cup with one hand and reaching toward Kurt. Kurt couldn't believe it; Blaine seemed to move in slow motion as Kurt watched his hand meet Blaine's. First it was just the light brush of his fingertips, seconds later becoming more firm and sure. Blaine was shaking, and Kurt could feel the tremors reaching his hand as though all of Blaine's unsaid, unaddressed emotion was vibrating through his body. His hands were light, and slightly warm from the cup, but the bones protruded even in his hands, and they seemed delicate somehow.
"Okay then," Kurt responded to Blaine's taking his hand. Kurt tried to suppress a giant grin and squeezed Blaine's hand slightly, trying to reassure him that he'd made the right decision. "Why don't we watch a movie or something and just enjoy the evening then, alright?" He smiled at Blaine who smiled just a bit in response and nodded. Kurt let Blaine's hand settle back on the pillow after another squeeze and moved to restart the film they had begun to watch earlier.
As Kurt got everything set up again, he smiled to himself. Blaine had touched him on his own; he'd made a small step forward in accepting that Kurt genuinely wanted to help him. It was slight, but it was something. Kurt finally had some small amount of trust to work with. He wanted to jump up and down and hug Blaine and grin from ear to ear, but he knew that any of that would ruin the small bridge he had just built with Blaine. He would do anything to preserve that. So instead, he went back to the couch and picked up his slightly cold tea. He settled near Blaine, but not touching him and offered him his hand again, which Blaine took with only slight hesitation.
A/N: I hope you enjoyed! Reviews are love! I'm so glad to be back writing and will be trying to update more frequently now.