INSIDE THE PEVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 10
WEDNESDAY
I have pie today, so it is a good day. Other then that my life is slowly slipping into the sewer lines. Reading Tom's diary only confused me more. He doesn't like me, but he likes me. How am I supposed to taunt him over this when I can't figure out what the fuck he's saying? It's like having a girlfriend, but not being able to fuck her. Okay, I guess I got a little ahead of myself there; the no fucking thing would be far worse. Well, Tom is going out again tonight, so I have another chance to peek at his diary. Hooray! First, I have to find out who he is going out with. My money is on Harry (again).
I find Tom in the living room on his laptop. "Hey, who are you going out with? Is it anyone I know?" Tom doesn't look at me. "It's nobody that you know. Why does it even matter to you?" He looks over at me. "Oh, no reason. I just wanted to know if you were going out with that cunt that you met at the London Council." His face stiffens, like he has to take a shit. "You are so vulgar." I give him a huge fuckin' grin. "Thanks!" I see that I am not going to get any more information out of him, so I hurry to my room. When I hear that he is going out to the garage, which gives me the green light to go and toot through Tom's daily planner. That fuck locked his bedroom door. Delayed, but not stopped. I think that I have a hairpin in my packet. I do have one! Within a few seconds the door is unlocked and I am safely inside Tom's room. My eyes are glued to the new poster that he has put up. Lil' Kim…. nice. Oh shit! What the fuck was I in here for? Oh yeah, dick hole's planner.
I find it sitting on the desk open to today's date. "Out to lunch with Harry." I KNEW IT! HE IS FUCKING HARRY IN SECRET! THOSE TWO ASSHOLES! HOW DARE THE KEEP A SECRET FROM ME?! Then I look down a little farther. "Pick up late b-day gift for Dougie." Me? Why the hell would he go out and get me another gift? I loved the chair that he and Harry got me. My eyes spin around in my head thinking of all the reasons. I rush out of Tom's room before I have a heart attack in there and he catches me diggin' through his shit.
….
Well, that was a bust. I only found out something that I already kinda knew. Tom is doin' Harry. Nothing new there. Maybe the way that they are doing it is new, but I don't intend to find out. I would like to keep the little sanity that I have. Speaking of which, I wonder what is for dinner. I'm so hungry that I could eat my fuckin' used drawers. I don't feel like going downstairs, so I call Harry on his cell phone.
"What the fuck is there to eat here? I'm so hungry it feels like I am living in fuckin' Ethiopia!" I practically can hear Harry rolling his eyes on the other end. "Dougie, dinner will be ready in 5 minutes." Like that fuckin' gives me any information! "What's for dinner?" "Rice, chicken and broccoli." I snort. "What the fuck am I going to go with that shit? I'm gonna end up eating Danny later!" That came out wrong. Shit. I hear Harry snicker. "I mean that I will have to eat someone later!" "Whatever you say Dougie." "GODDAMN RIGHT!" With that, I slam my phone shut. Goddamn him! Trying to twist around what I said; that miserable scheming cocksucker! Oh, hot shit! Dinner is ready! I just hope that I don't end up eating the coffee table later.
…
Well at least dinner didn't suck that bad! When Danny left to answer his phone, I wolfed down the rest of his chicken and rice. Fuck him! Let him starve; he looks anorexic anyway. Danny is doing dishes and getting me popcorn. Tom has gone out and Harry is sleeping. So, there is nothing left for me to do but sit and lollygag around the house. I wonder what's taking Danny with my popcorn…lazy asshole. Then I hear the door to the TV room open up and there he is; Standing there wearing only whipped cream holding my popcorn bucket. My eyes fall out of my head and onto the carpet.
"What the fuck are you wearing?" I ask him, placing my eyes back in. "Something special for you." We already went through this bullshit. Anger fills me for some reason. "Is this what took ya from bringing my fuckin' popcorn?" He looks a little confused. "I thought that you liked whipped cream." "I do! Just not on your skanky ass!" I shout at him. "What are you on about?" "Like you don't fuckin' know! You fucked Tom. Don't lie to me, cum stain. I have the fuckin' videotape!" Danny laughs. "That? That was all apart of the scheme to see if you liked guys. I don't really like Tom like that." This makes me feel better and I don't really know why. "Oh, well I guess I like the whipped cream." He looks like he is going to get real cunty now. "Too late, Dougie." He throws my popcorn bucket at me and stomps out of the room. What did I do to be treated like this? I replay the conversation in my head and find nothing that could earn me that kind of treatment. Huh. Must be PMS. Tom gets like that when he is on the rag.
Well, not that I am popcornless and I have missed the important plot points in the movie that I was trying to watch, I guess I will go and look through Tom's shit again. Before I go and do that I have one closing thought; I have come to the decision that I am only gay above the waist. Yep. I don't like the thought of some guys sticking his dick in my ass or me sucking on some guy's dick. Damn, now I really want to make out with Danny. Harry heard what happened and he wants details. I am in a good enough mood to talk to him about it. I won't go and tell him to fuck off.
…
Goddamn! I have gone and done it. My plan to get hit by a car did not go over so well. Now I am sitting in my therapist's office. Why the hell did I try to get hit during a sale? I should have done it on the weekend, when everyone would be too drunk to notice me. They think that I am crazy and that I really want to die. As if! I just wanted to see how much it would hurt.
I look out the little window in the door; my therapist is talking to Harry that piece of shit will give her all of the dirt on me and I will be locked inside the rubber room of joy for the rest of my life. I peer out again and see Harry smirk at me. Yep, he is still mad over me selling the sex tape that he and Tom made over the Internet. Why can't he get over it and forgive me? Why does he have to act like a cunt over this? Speaking of cunts….Debbie, Harry's new girlfriend, is supposed to come over this weekend. Maybe I'll be locked up so I won't have to endure her bullshit! Hot fuck! Now all I need to do is work my magic.
That bitch didn't buy it! She told me that I was bullshitting her and that she would re-evaluate me on Monday. But, they would be putting me in anger management because of my anger issues. What fuckin' anger issues?! What did that asshole tell her? I'm gonna find out when I get home. I will have to write later, they say that they are going to give me some kind of sock treatment for my anger. That sounds like fun! NOTHING CAN SCARE ME!
….
I guess I was wrong. It wasn't fun and it did scare me it. It scared me so bad that I shit my pants. Too bad all of my pants are in the wash. I guess I will have to borrow a pair of Danny's pants. Let's see here. Gay. Gay. Hippy. Extra gay. Ass-rape me pants. Holy Christ. Doesn't he have any normal pants around here? I bet my left nut that he has a skirt in here. Holy Lord in Heaven! He just doesn't have a skirt; he has 4 of them, 3 dresses , 14 pairs of high heels and 32 lace things. I think that I need to go and lie down. This is too much excitement for one day. Ya know what? I think he is totally gay. 100% gay; before I was going off of a theory, but now I think that I have a little evidence to support my claim. Ooh! Danny just got home and I want to try and see if I can get him to admit his anal pleasures.
"Hey, Danny. Whistle in any wheat fields lately?" He glares at me, still pissed off about the popcorn incident and raises an eyebrow. "What the hell are you talking about?" I decide to not answer his question; I'm going to let him figure it out. "So, uh, where were you? Were you down South of the boarder where the tuna fish play?" He finally cracks. "Goddamn it! Give it a fuckin' rest already. Just ask me what you have to ask." There is no more fun now. I think he might hit me, he's that pissed off. "Forget it." I hurry off before he can wring my neck.
…
I had Harry drive me to the mall today; it was a regular cluster-fuck, He pulls into the parking lot. I'm already aggravated. He was supposed to take me here over an hour ago. Now he can't find a fuckin' place to park. "Huh. I can't seem to find a spot. Should I park the car, Dougie?" "NO! Pull the car up your ass and wait here for me! Of course park the fuckin' car!" What a fuckhead. I leave him in the car and go into the mall.
Before I can go into the store, my cell rings. I look at the caller ID; it's Tom. Ya know what? Every time I hear his voice on the phone, I know that it is going to cost me in one way or another. I answered it and he started yammering at me. After about 2 minutes I snap my phone shut. Most of that call was wasted on his wonderful rant. He knows to call me only if it is an emergency. How the fuck is 'Danny got his dick stuck in the hole in watering can?' a fuckin' emergency?! Can someone please explain this to me? I sense no danger there. My phone is going off again. Christ. It's Tom. I'm just going to answer it or he'll keep on fuckin' calling me.
"Whada want?" "I need some money. The ambulance guy wants payment before they can take Danny to the hospital." What the fuck is this? I thought that the government paid these fuckin' people. Somethin' smells fishy and it is not the slutty bimbo in front of me. "Tom, you need money? You can have it if you can suck it out of my ass!" I slam my phone shut. He doesn't call back; I think that he got the fuckin' message.
-The pimp who didn't know that he was a pimp, Dougie Poynter