Okay, guys, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I love this chapter. I'm super excited about this chapter. I worked really hard on this chapter, which is now the longest chapter of the story thus far. This particular time jump is only four months, but they will get longer as we cover the next few years.
BELLAMY POV
31 March 2151
"It's officially been one year since Praimfaya. One year since I left you behind on a burning planet. I didn't even get to say goodbye. There are days where I feel so broken, so numb, that I can't move, and just the simple act of breathing is too much for me to bear. Everyone else is doing pretty well up here. Harper has taken to learning about medicine, she spends a lot of time in the Med Bay, reading old books that your mom left up here. Monty and his algae farm are thriving, and he and Harper are happier than ever. Murphy and Raven are together now, have been for a few months. I don't think anyone was as surprised as the two of them were. Echo and Emori have been teaching the others how to fight like grounders. Grounders in space," I mumble, recalling the time I said these same words to her a year ago, "Still an oxymoron. I have no purpose up here. There isn't any strategizing to be done, there are no troops to rally, no enemies to battle or wars to be won. I'm useless. Who am I if I'm not a co-leader? Who am I if I'm not a soldier? Who am I if I'm not protecting my sister, the 100, or the woman I love?
"You know, princess, I thought this was going to be my opportunity to tell you how I feel about you. I've known for so long, but every time I think I see the opportunity to tell you, something goes wrong. You should be up here with me. We should've had five years to just be together, not constantly worrying about people trying to kill us or trying to wipe out the human race. This should've been our time to just focus on us and our relationship, instead of focusing on saving the world for once.
"God, I feel pathetic. Here I am, professing my love for you and I don't even know if you feel the same way. For all I know, you just got caught up in the moment and wanted to have sex on Earth before the world ended again. Maybe it didn't mean anything to you…" I stop speaking as I hear footsteps approaching me. I look over my shoulder to see Echo approaching me. I roll my eyes and turn my attention back to the dead planet outside the window.
"Look, Bellamy, I know you probably don't want to be around me right now, but I just want you to know that if you need to talk to someone, you can always come talk to me. You shouldn't have to go through this alone."
"Oh, go float yourself Echo. You killed Gina and the rest of the innocents in Mount Weather. You almost killed my sister. You tried to kill Clarke. How can you think I would ever trust you again?"
"If you hate me so much, why didn't you just let me die a year ago? What was the point of stopping me if you were just going to spend the next five years despising me anyway? You can hate me all you want, but if Clarke was here—"
"Clarke's not here," I yell, cutting her off.
"She wouldn't want you to spend the next four years beating yourself up over leaving her behind. Clarke didn't lose her life just so you could throw yours away."
"My life," I scoff, "is not a life worth living without Clarke Griffin." I turn and walk away from her, not entirely sure where I'm going, just wanting to get as far away from her as possible.
EMORI POV
-Later-
When dinner rolls around, everyone meets up in the mess hall just like every other night, but with two exceptions.
"Guys, where are Bellamy and Echo?" I ask, seeing as I seem to be the only one concerned by their absence.
"I haven't seen Bellamy all day. Today is an especially hard day for him, so I figured we should all give him some space," Monty says, as he pours us each a glass of his brand-new algae moonshine. I know he's been worried about Bellamy, but he's been grieving too. He lost his best friend.
"Yeah, and last I saw of Echo, she was going to check on Bellamy," Harper chimes in. "I told her it wasn't a good idea, but she went anyway."
The two couples in the room sit hand in hand as we eat our meal, but I can't shake the feeling that something is wrong. Only a few minutes later, the sound of an alarm pierces the air, proving my suspicions right.
"Raven, what is that? What does that alarm mean?" I ask, my heart plummeting to my stomach as if it knows the answer before she speaks it.
"Airlock malfunction. Unauthorized spacewalk," she barely finishes speaking before she's out the door. Everyone follows her out of the room without a second's pause, Monty still with the bottle of moonshine in his hands. As we get closer to the airlock everyone stops short at the sight of what, or who, is causing the malfunction.
Echo kneels inside the space lock, shirtless, pressing her bloody palm to her abdomen. I recognize this as the Azgeda suicide ritual, and immediately spring into action, running toward the airlock. I begin frantically pressing buttons, trying to get the airlock doors to open, as I call out to her.
"Echo, what are you doing? Stop this. Open the damn door, Echo!" She heaves a sigh and opens her eyes, meeting my gaze.
"I'm only finishing what I started a year ago. I am Azgeda, a grounder, I'm not meant to live in the sky. This is no way for me to live. May we meet again, my sister. Ai gonplei ste odon," she whispers.
"No! Echo, damn it, stop! Please!" My cries don't reach her in time, and she reaches her hand up to hit the button that opens the doors to the airlock. I watch, paralyzed, as she is sucked into space. An uncomfortable silence falls over the group as I fall to my knees, tears streaming down my face. No one knows how to respond to what just happened. No one knows how to address this loss.
"We need to find Bellamy," Raven is the first to break the silence. I wipe the tears from my face and stand, turning to face the others.
"I'll go," I state firmly. "I need to be the one to check on him. Whatever argument they had that triggered Echo, I'm sure Bellamy isn't feeling too great either. And Monty?" The man looks at me inquisitively. "I'm taking the moonshine with me."
After about fifteen minutes of wandering the Ring, I find a door that is hanging open. The sign printed above the doorway reads "Sky Box." I know from stories that the others have told me that the Sky Box is where they used to keep the juvenile prisoners. The 100 that were sent down to Earth used to live in these cells. I open the door and let myself in, trying not to make too much noise or startle Bellamy, who I'm sure is in here.
The Sky Box consists of two floors with 50 cells each. The cells line the walls of each floor, and there is an open room in the center of the first floor, presumably where they'd allow the delinquents to eat and spend some time out of their cells. I walk along the sides of the room, peering in to each of the cells. It isn't until I get to the furthest corner of the second floor that I find him sitting in a cell.
This cell is different from the others. It's hidden from plain sight, isolated from the rest of the cells. It's nestled in a corner near a guard station. It's clear that whoever was in this cell was not to be seen by or heard from by the other prisoners. The rest of the cells are completely devoid of any evidence that there were children who once stayed in them, but not this one. The walls and floors of this cell are covered in charcoal drawings of Earth. As I look at Bellamy, who has fallen asleep on the cot in the corner of the small room, it dawns on me who this cell belonged to: Clarke.
I stand in silence for another moment, not wanting to disturb the peace that Bellamy seems to have found, but the illusion is shattered when Bellamy starts thrashing around in the bed. Sweat drips down his face as he lets out a strangled cry. I carefully place my hand on his arm, not wanting to frighten him, and he opens his eyes. A look of confusion crosses his face, and then embarrassment, as he realizes that I woke him up because he started screaming Clarke's name in his sleep.
"What's wrong?" He asks, studying my face. I realize that my eyes are probably red from crying, and I have streaks from tears on my cheeks. I had been holding myself together, but when he asks what's wrong, I break down crying.
Bellamy doesn't hesitate to take me into his arms. As I cry, I find solace in the strength of his arms wrapped so tightly around me. He places his chin on top of my head and whispers, "Hey, whatever it is, it's going to be okay. You're going to be okay."
I pull away, taking a moment to look him in the eyes as I deliver the bad news.
"Bellamy, Echo's gone. She said she couldn't handle being trapped in space and she floated herself. I know you're hurting because of Clarke, but I need you to stop thinking with your heart and start using your head. I can't lose any more family." It's clear that this hits him hard, but he doesn't allow himself the time to react, simply pulling me back into his embrace.
"I'm so, so sorry, Emori. This is all my fault. I know she meant a lot to you. Just let it all out. You're always so strong for everyone but you don't have to be strong right now, not with me."
Something about Bellamy is so familiar to me. He reminds me of Otan, so strong and protective. For a long time, I allow myself to cry, in spite of the fact that I came here to comfort him. I allow myself to grieve over Echo, and Otan, all over again. Finally, I pull myself together and I pick up the bottle of Monty's moonshine, offering it to Bellamy.
"I figured you could use this," I say, and he chuckles a bit before taking a swig of the clear liquid.
"From the looks of it, you could use some as well." He hands me the bottle and I take a small sip of it at first, to acquaint myself with the bitter tasting liquid, and then I take a larger gulp.
"Thanks for letting me grieve, Bellamy, but I actually came here to comfort you. I know today is a hard day for you, I figured you could use a friend."
"You know, I actually wanted to thank you."
"What for?" I ask, entirely unsure as to what he could need to thank me for.
"When we were in the rocket, right as we were about to leave, you asked if we could give Clarke another minute. I wanted to thank you for that, for wanting to give her that extra minute."
"Oh, it was nothing. She saved me by injecting herself with that Nightblood. I wanted her to make it back to the rocket in time, I wanted her to be up here with us, too."
We sit in an amicable silence for a few minutes, silently passing the bottle of moonshine back and forth between us, before I break the silence again.
"You know, I didn't get to know her very well, what with the whole world ending and all. Will you tell me about her? I'd like to get to know the woman who sacrificed her life for me. I think I owe her that much." He looks at me, tears threatening to escape his eyes, and he nods. Swallowing another sip of the moonshine, he braces himself to begin his story.
"I think our relationship started platonically for her, but not for me. I knew there was something special about her from the first moment I saw her. I acted like a pompous ass for the first few weeks, but I think I was just trying to convince myself that I wasn't falling for this girl because my feelings for her scared the hell out of me. She'd look at me like she was so annoyed with me that she wanted to kill me one second, and then look at me like she couldn't live without me the next. I called her 'brave princess' once, and I'm sure she thought I was just mocking her, but I meant it. She's the strongest person I know. From the moment the dropship landed, she was thinking about how to keep everyone safe. Even when she thought her mother was dead, she hardly allowed herself to grieve, always thinking about everyone but herself.
"When we went to go save Jasper from the grounders, she fell into a trap, and my hand shot out to grab hers before I had time to even think about it. Part of me thought it might've been easier to let her fall, but when I looked into her eyes, I knew I couldn't do that. All I could see in her eyes was fear. In that moment, I knew I could never let her get hurt again. I knew that I could never let her fall, no matter what.
"I'll never forget the first time she hugged me. She was taken by the Mountain Men, and when she finally escaped and made it back to camp, I was out looking for her. When I came home, she came running towards me the second we saw each other. It was the most amazing feeling, seeing her alive after spending so much time apart. She ran into my arms and wrapped her arms tightly around my neck. For a few moments, I was so shocked that I didn't know how to react. The second I snapped out of it, though, I wrapped my arms around her and held her so close to me. I should've held her closer. Octavia made this comment, 'Well there's something I thought I'd never see.' I'm sure Clarke thought she was referring to the fact that we were constantly bickering about something, but I know my little sister and I saw it for what it was. She never thought she'd see me fall in love.
"The night that Finn died, I promised myself she'd never have to make a decision like that on her own again, that she'd never have to shoulder a burden like that by herself again. She pushed me away after that, sending me into Mount Weather even though we both knew she hated doing it, but I went anyway because she asked me to. I remember my relief at hearing her voice when I radioed Camp Jaha from inside Mount Weather. I remember the way my heart skipped a beat when she said, 'You came through. I knew you would.' I remember all of it.
"I already knew I loved her after what happened at Mount Weather, when we pulled that lever together. When she left me at the gate to Arkadia, I was heartbroken. Instead of admitting that I loved her, to her or to myself, I let those feelings of sadness and heartbreak turn to anger and resentment. I tried convincing myself that I hated her. I even started dating someone else, trying to fill the hole she left in my life. Gina was great, but she wasn't Clarke. I wish I hadn't taken her for granted. I wish I hadn't wasted our time together on stupid arguments. We wasted time and energy being upset with each other, when we could've been making the most of what little time we had. But we didn't know how little time we had.
"When she left, and I turned to Pike as a leader, I failed her. I couldn't lead without her by my side. Clarke was a natural leader, and she made me believe I could be a leader. She made me believe that I could be good, even when I only saw all of the negative things about myself. She kept me centered. She listened to me and respected what I had to say. The only approval that ever really mattered to me was hers. I tried my best to provide for her, to show up for her, to keep her safe. It wasn't enough.
"When Clarke and I were together, there was no 'you' or 'me,' there was only 'us.' She was my partner. Together we were like Atlas, holding the entire world on our shoulders, but we had each other to lighten the load and share the burdens of leadership. She was the only person I felt like I could count on, the only person I knew really cared about me. Not to sound too cliché, but she was literally my other half. I was the heart, she was the head. When I close my eyes, I can still feel her hand placed over my heart as she reminded me that I need to use my head, too. She's not here to remind me to use my head anymore." I mentally kick myself, realizing that that's why it hurt him so much when I told him to lead with his head earlier.
"When she was making the list of the 100 people who would get to live through Praimfaya, she wrote my name in the 99th slot. I knew she was battling over whether to put her name down as number 100, so I did it for her because I didn't want to live in a world where Clarke Griffin didn't exist. I put her name on that list and I still couldn't save her.
"If it had been just me, if I wouldn't have been risking the lives of you and the rest of our friends, I would've waited for her forever. At least then I would've died with her. But instead, I abandoned her. I killed her, it's my fault she's dead. I failed her and it is killing me. I wish I'd stayed behind. I wish I'd died in that fire with her. I let her fall this time. I would sacrifice myself a million times over, but not Clarke. Never Clarke.
"Can you imagine how she felt seeing our rocket leave Earth without her on it? Can you imagine how much pain I have caused her by leaving? It plagues me every day. I sleep, only to be woken up by nightmares of her screaming 'Bellamy, no! Wait! I need you, Bellamy!' They aren't always nightmares, though. I have dreams where I'd stop the door from closing and bring her back to the rocket safely. Dreams about four years from now, when I'll see her again. I once told her that as long as we're still breathing, there's hope. Until I can prove that she's dead, I can't let myself believe it. I have to keep calling her every day. I have to keep hoping or I'll fall apart.
"You know, when we were on the Ark, I had a shot at becoming a member of the Guard, but I blew it. After that, I was just a janitor, nothing special. But Clarke had a bright future ahead of her. She was the daughter of the Ark's chief doctor, training to follow in her mother's footsteps. I never would've had a future with her. But even so, I like to imagine what our future would've been like together. Seeing the type of leader she is, it only makes sense that she would be an amazing mother. I've always thought that, ever since I saw how she handled the youngest of the 100, a 12-year-old named Charlotte. She was a natural with her, very level headed and compassionate. Our kid would've been a damn lucky one.
"She's so kind, so caring, so aware of the needs of the people she cares about. I stood by her side so many times, just waiting to be there if she fell apart and needed me to pick up the pieces. Everyone around us was constantly talking about peace and war, wrong and right, and I just wanted to be there for her to hold the pieces together. But when it really mattered, I couldn't be there for her. She always knew what I needed, but she never realized that the only thing I ever really needed was her. I should've told her that. It's like there was this invisible line between us that we were both too scared to cross.
"Every time we lost each other, and I thought I'd never see her again, we still found our way back to each other against all odds. I hope that's still true now. I owe her a million apologies, a million thank yous. So many things I should've said, but now it's too late. I'll never be able to tell her how glad I am that I snuck onto the dropship," he lets out a sigh, visibly deflating from his confession. "You probably think I'm insane."
"I don't think you're insane, I think you're in love. I've never seen anything like the love you two have for each other. It's clear how much you love her, and anyone with eyes can see that she loves you, too."
"I never told her that. And now I may never get to." This is a side of Bellamy Blake that I have never seen before. The Bellamy Blake I know does not give up, does not resign himself to failure. He constantly fights for everyone else, and now someone needs to fight for him for a change.
"Keep her alive in your heart, in your memories, like the ones you just shared with me. You can't change the past, but you can shape your future. Let her memory inspire you to be better. We need our fearless leader back."
"Well, that's too bad. We left her on Earth."
"You are our fearless leader, Bellamy."
"Not without her I'm not." We sit in silence for a moment before he speaks again. "Everyone is tiptoeing around me like I'm made of glass. No one really knows how to talk to me anymore. Even when someone is just sitting with me, the silence is awkward. It's not awkward with you, though," he admits, allowing himself a small smile. "You remind me of Octavia."
"Oh?" I inquire, allowing him time to think before he continues.
"On the Ark, families were only allowed to have one child. But our mother had Octavia when I was six. I used to hate my mother for breaking the law and condemning me to this life of secrecy. Taking care of Octavia meant I didn't get a real childhood because I was always trying to keep this secret that could ruin our lives. For so long, my mother engrained one thought in me: my sister, my responsibility. But Octavia wasn't only my responsibility, she was my world. I don't truly love a lot of people, but the people I love, I love with everything I have. Octavia…" He trails off, not needing to say Clarke's name for me to know that she's the other name on his mind. "For the year she was in lockup, I had no purpose. I didn't know what to do with myself. Our mother was floated and the only other family I had, the only other person I cared about, I couldn't see or talk to. And to think, her only crime was being born. Octavia's life has never been fair. Not on the Ark, not on the ground. But she has always fought for herself, just like you. You're both strong and independent. You're both fighters."
"I had a brother too, you know. His name was Otan. You remind me of him. I don't know if you know this, but Otan and I were cast out of our clan because of my hand," I notice his gaze fall to my hand, which is wrapped in cloth as it always is. "Otan kept me safe for so many years. I miss him a lot. I've spent my whole life feeling like I don't fit in, and the only person who ever made me feel otherwise is gone now."
Once again, our conversation reaches a halt. The silence between us feels natural, not awkward, and it's oddly comforting.
"Emori?" Bellamy asks, gently. I look up to meet his gaze, so he knows I'm listening. "You should unwrap your hand. We're family up here, you don't have to hide anything from us."
I weigh his words for a moment, struggling internally with the idea of unwrapping my hand and letting everyone see what I've hidden for so long. I know that they aren't like my clan was, they won't see me as something to be erased. Still, the idea is foreign to me, and intimidating. I look at Bellamy again and, for once in my life, feel like I'm being accepted for everything that I am. Slowly, I unweave the carefully wrapped cloth that shields my hand from plain sight. When I look up, Bellamy is not staring at my hand like I expected him to be. He's looking me directly in the eye, and he's smiling.
"You'll always fit in with me," he says, reaching around me with his arm and pulling me into a hug. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I belong somewhere. I belong here, with these people. My family.
There it is! I really really really hope you like it. I feel like some of you might not be happy about my decision about what happened to Echo, but it just kind of felt like the right direction to take this story in. That's all the explanation I have. I love Emori so much, and I really liked exploring the relationship between Emori and Bellamy, because we rarely see them together on the show.
I have another question: Do you think I should leave the date Bellamy and the others return to Earth the same as it is on the show (6 years & 7 days later), make it exactly five years after Praimfaya, or should I have him come home somewhere in the middle? Leave me a review and let me know!
xoxo Kitty
Trigedasleng Translations (Line by line.)
My fight is over.