Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or any of its characters. Masayoshi, Aimi and Chiyoko are mine though.

xxx

Deny thy need and refuse thy pain

"Ne, sensei, pardon me for asking, but... Is everything all right with Yumi-kun?"

"Oh, absolutely!"

Jyuushirou quietly sipped his tea and Masayoshi cringed inside: who was he trying to fool? Jyuu was far too perceptive to believe such a bald-faced lie. The very fact that he had asked the question was an indication that he knew something was amiss. Masayoshi sighed.

"Actually, we may have a problem."

Jyuu threw him a questioning look and Masayoshi pinched the bridge of his nose.

"He's behaving impeccably but it's obvious he still considers himself to be at best a temporary guest in this house. He's staying with us because Ikkaku-san asked him to, but he's not trying to integrate himself into the family."

Jyuu nodded. "He still believes Ikkaku-san will come back."

Masayoshi sighed heavily. "Yes... Three months already, and he still believes..."

He shook his head. Jyuu smiled sadly.

"Poor child. I suppose the truth is too painful for him to face."

Masayoshi waved his hand in irritation.

"Denying the reality won't help him deal with it!"

Jyuu snorted softly. Masayoshi looked at him in surprise and asked: "What?"

Jyuu sipped some more tea before answering carefully:

"Well, one could say that it's a case of the pot calling the kettle black."

"What do you mean!"

"Quite simply... That you're just as much in denial as he is."

Masayoshi was stunned. "In denial? About what?"

Jyuu sighed. "About many things. Pardon me for being so blunt, sensei, but I feel I must speak honestly. It is very obvious to me, for example, that you are actually glad that Ikkaku-san left. I know, I know," he added quickly as Masayoshi was opening his mouth to protest, "'this is not what you wanted', 'you meant for the two of you to work together', and so on. But see, sensei, this is exactly what I'm talking about! With all due respect, you say all those things, but deep inside, I don't think you actually mean them."

Masayoshi frowned. He did not like what his former student seemed to be implying. Jyuushirou smiled apologetically and continued in a soft tone.

"I know you, sensei, and I have seen the way you've looked at Yumichika almost ever since the first day you met him. Even when you were telling him about the Academy, I could see that what you really wanted was to keep him for yourself. You had that look. The same look you had for all the others. It has been a long while since I've seen it on your face, but I recognised it instantly all the same..."

Jyuu hesitated. There was a frown of worry on his forehead when he continued.

"Why him, though, sensei? Of course, he's smart, and talented, but... Surely you've noticed...?"

Masayoshi scowled. He knew what his friend was referring to. He countered:

"There is no guarantee of it yet."

Jyuu looked incredulous. "Sensei! Surely you must be joking. Just look at him!"

He did. They both turned their gaze back to the training field where Yumichika was practicing kidou with Retsu-chan. They watched in silence for a while, before Jyuushirou started again.

"Just look at this! He's not just good, he's a natural... And forgive me for reminding you that he's been using his reiatsu to reinforce his body all this time, instinctively! I asked Retsu and she confirmed that he still doesn't know he's doing it. Honestly sensei, if..."

He hesitated briefly before bursting out:

"If he doesn't turn out to be a kidou type, I'll eat my captain's haori!"

Masayoshi gritted his teeth. The probabilities were on Jyuu's side and he knew it. Still...

"I'll deal with it if and when it happens, Jyuu."

But Jyuu would not let go.

"When it happens, he will have to go to..."

"I said 'if and when', Jyuu!"

Masayoshi had raised his voice, and Jyuushirou understood. He dropped the subject. They sipped some more tea in silence, while observing the display on the field before them. Masayoshi could not help but smile: the boy had barely three months of kidou practice under his belt, and he was already mastering second-year spells. Jyuu was right: he was a natural.

Jyuu's soft voice cut through his musings.

"Admit it, sensei: you are glad you get to have Yumi-kun all to yourself, aren't you?"

Masayoshi ignored him; he did not want to resume this particular discussion. But Ukitake Jyuushirou was not a man who was so easily deterred.

"As long as Ikkaku-san was there, you couldn't have the boy and you knew that. But now that he's gone..."

Masayoshi turned his head and glared at his former student. He was furious. How did Jyuu dare...? But his friend met his angry stare with his own quiet one and Masayoshi felt a hint of doubt creep into his mind. Jyuu was not the type to speak up unless he was sure of his conclusions, and he was very rarely wrong. Could it be that he was right once again? Could it be that Masayoshi had actually wanted Ikkaku-san to...?

No! Masayoshi shook his head. No, Jyuu was wrong, he had to be!

"Jyuu... All I've ever wanted was what was best for Yumi-kun. If..."

"Really?"

"... Excuse me?"

"Do you really want what is best for the kid?"

"Well, yes, of course! Why..."

"Then why haven't you asked anyone to look for Ikkaku-san yet? Or even looked for him yourself?"

"... What?"

Masayoshi was dumbfounded. Jyuushirou put his cup down and sighed. When he looked up at his former master, there was a hard cold glint in his eyes.

"Please, sensei, let's stop this game of riddles, shall we? What is best for Yumichika is to have the one adult he loves and trusts by his side. I know that, you know that, we all know that. We also both know, you and I, that Ikkaku-san was not in his right mind when he made the decision to leave Yumi-kun behind. He was confused, he felt weak, and inferior. His decision to leave the boy was not rational and you know it. So why haven't you sent people to go and look for him? The boy needs him, so if what you really want is what is best for the child as you say, then you should be looking for Ikkaku-san right now!"

Masayoshi stood up. He did not have to take that kind of abuse.

"It's time for Yumi-kun's zanjutsu lesson. I'll see you at dinner tonight."

He should have known better, though. Once Jyuushirou took up a cause, he made sure he saw it through.

"Running away from the truth, sensei? See what I meant about denial?"

Masayoshi turned on the spot, anger filling him once more. But before he could say anything, Jyuu was speaking again, in low, pleading tones this time.

"Sensei... You've said it yourself: it has been three months already, and the boy still believes his friend will come back. Surely you realise what this means! Surely you realise that when he finally accepts the truth, it will take him forever to recover from it? Is that truly what you want? Do you want him so badly that you are going to let him suffer through that without even trying to prevent it? Please sensei..."

Masayoshi held a hand up; Jyuu closed his mouth. Masayoshi took his time to sort through his thoughts and feelings, and to find the best answer, the one that would show this impudent former student of his just how wrong he was.

"You want me to look for Ikkaku-san? All right, I will. But mark my words, Jyuu: when we find him, he will tell us he wants nothing to do with the boy anymore. As for Yumichika, he's strong and clever, he will deal with this just fine, you shall see. And now please excuse me, I really have to go and give him his lesson."

xxx

Yumichika did not know what Jyuushirou-sama and Masayoshi-sensei had been talking about, but he could see that they had had an argument. Sensei was usually happy and smiling, he rarely looked annoyed, especially not after talking to Jyuushirou-sama. But at least it was not him, Yumichika, who sensei was angry with and Yumichika was grateful for that.

Every day, he worked as hard as he could in all his classes, both to satisfy Ikkaku when he came back, and to please sensei so he would not get thrown out of the house. Ikkaku would come back here to get him, so Yumichika had to make sure the Ayasegawa family kept him for as long as necessary. As such, he made extra efforts to be polite and agreeable with everyone, and he studied all his lessons diligently, hoping that this would be enough to make everyone happy with him.

He watched warily as sensei strode closer; it was time for their swordfighting - no, zanjutsu - lesson, but Yumichika was tired to the bone. Kidou was exhilarating, but it was also exhausting. Retsu-sensei kept saying that he was putting too much energy into his spells, but he did not understand what she meant. All he knew was that the kidou lessons tired him as much as they thrilled him and he was not sure he was up for a sparring session just yet. He vaguely wondered about asking for a break, before scolding himself for even thinking about it: such a weak behaviour would not please Masayoshi-sensei, and it definitely would not satisfy Ikkaku!

Trying not to show his fatigue, Yumichika raised his hand over his shoulder and effortlessly pulled his zanpakutou from its scabbard. Zanpakutou... He still remembered the mixed feelings which had invaded him when Masayoshi-sensei had explained this concept to him. On the one hand, it had felt surreal, even slightly insane, and Yumichika was not sure he would have believed it if sensei had not demonstrated his own shikai right there and then. And yet, on the other hand, it had also felt as though Yumichika had always known all of this, as though he were only remembering something he had temporarily forgotten.

He had talked to his zanpakutou for the first time that very evening. The sword spirit had not answered, but Yumichika was sure he had felt a presence grow stronger in the air around him and inside of him. It was an unknown and yet familiar presence, like a voice that would have always been speaking to him but that would have been just too quiet for him to hear, and he was sure that it was his zanpakutou spirit. He had spoken to it every single night since then - except for those nights when he had fallen asleep during dinner or some other embarrassing occurrence like it - and the presence had grown stronger and stronger. Now, he could even feel it during the day sometimes, like right now as he was gripping the hilt of his sword and preparing himself for another exhausting sparring session with Masayoshi-sensei. It was a comforting and strengthening presence, and he was grateful for it - it was not Ikkaku, but it was nice and welcome nonetheless.

Yumichika was startled when Retsu-sama walked over to him, laid a hand on his shoulder, and said, turning to Masayoshi-sensei:

"I don't think Yumi-kun is up to his zanjutsu lesson tonight, sensei. He's exhausted. May I have a word with him instead?"

Yumichika scowled: what she had said was true, but he did not like being made to look weak in front of sensei. His chest tightened as he noticed that sensei was frowning too; was the old man disappointed with him? Yumichika had to set things straight.

"I'm fine, Retsu-sensei, really I am."

She turned to look at him with that frightening smile on her face.

"No you're not, Yumi-kun. I'm a healer, remember, so I know these things. You are too tired to be swinging a sword around. It would be too dangerous."

She spoke in her usual gentle voice and yet there was an edge of finality in her words. The woman was scary and Yumichika did not particularly like being around her. She was undoubtedly the best kidou teacher he had had so far, but he still much preferred dealing with Masayoshi-sensei or Jyuushirou-sensei: the men were nowhere as good at explaining kidou as she was, but they were far easier to maneuver and understand. And even Jyuushirou-sama's obsession with candy was not as creepy as Retsu-sama's smile.

Masayoshi-sensei sighed, and said a bit irritably:

"All right, have it your way, Retsu-chan. I'll see you both at dinner tonight."

He turned on his heels and vanished in a burst of shunpo. As usual, Yumichika felt a twinge of envy pierce him as he watched the old man disappear: he could not wait to start shunpo lessons. Sensei had promised they would start them soon, but "soon" could not happen soon enough for Yumichika.

"You can put it away."

Startled, he looked around and found Retsu-sama smiling down at him and pointing to his sword. Quickly, he swung it over his shoulder and a great feeling of satisfaction rose within him as he felt the blade slide neatly into its scabbard. It had taken him weeks to master that move - which had turned out to be far more complicated to achieve than its counterpart, the unsheathing - and he was still proud of it. Then he followed the short woman as she led him through a corridor and into a small empty garden. She knelt down next to a pond, and invited him to do the same. He obeyed, and waited for her to speak.

"Yumi-kun... What do you think your status in this house is?"

He frowned as fear once again twisted his insides. What was she trying to say? Had he made a faux pas, even despite all his efforts?

"I'm... a guest, I suppose, Retsu-sama. An uninvited guest."

He tried to keep the bitterness out of his voice. It was really not his fault if he was stuck in this situation. He understood that the Ayasegawa family might be annoyed, but he had not asked for this.

Retsu-sama smiled a bit sadly. "Is that what you think?"

Yumichika was surprised - and worried: if not a guest, then what?

She continued:

"You have it all wrong, Yumi-kun. You're not a guest anymore. You're a member of the family."

Yumichika felt his brain freeze. He understood the words she was saying, but they did not seem to make sense all together. A member of the family? How...? What...? He shook his head, trying to clear it, trying to force his brain into thought again. He heard the woman's soft voice explain:

"That's what Ikkaku-san wanted, and that's what the whole family wants, too. They all want you to be a part of them. That's why Ikkaku-san left, and that's why..."

"He'll come back."

He had not even thought about it, the words had just come out of his mouth. He simply had to correct her on that point, because it was important that she understood, that they all understood.

She smiled sadly again: "Are you sure?"

He looked at her in surprise. How could she even ask such a question?

"Of course!"

She sighed. "How can you know?"

He shrugged. "I just do. He would never leave me forever."

She looked at him for a long time. She was not smiling anymore, she just seemed incredibly sad - he almost felt an urge to tell her that everything was going to be all right. In the end, she shrugged and smiled sadly again, before saying:

"Well, if you ever change your mind, just remember what I told you, all right? Everyone wants you to be a member of this family, so don't feel obligated to be the perfect guest, and don't be afraid to just be yourself, understand?"

He nodded, more to reassure her than anything else, and he let her escort him back to his room.

xxx

"Another one!"

His third bottle of sake for the evening. Not good. Ikkaku shrugged; so he would get drunk - again -, so what? It was not like he had anywhere he needed to be, or anything he needed to do in the morning, right? He was free, remember?

The voice in the back of his head snorted. Funny how real it sounded sometimes, for an imaginary voice.

"That's because I am real, dumbass."

Yeah, right, whatever.

"You're just a voice in my head that I hear when I get drunk. How could you be real?"

The voice sounded offended: "Not just when you're drunk!"

Ikkaku squirmed in his seat. That was true. As much as he hated to admit it, he also heard the voice when he was sober. He had been hearing it for years in fact, long before he had started drinking as much as he did lately. But that did not change the fact that...

"You're just a voice in my head. Which means you're not real. Period. So shuddup."

The voice snorted again.

"Like that's gonna work. I'm gonna talk if and when I wanna." It waited a few seconds and then added as a last insult: "Period."

Ikkaku groaned. This was so not how he had wanted his new "free" life to be. He was not supposed to be getting drunk every other night, and he most definitely was not supposed to spend his time talking to some imaginary voice in his head! Something had gone very, very wrong somewhere...

"What went wrong is that you left, moron!"

Ikkaku hissed. "No, that is what went right, stupid!"

The voice growled. "Oh yeah? Then how come everything after that went from bad to worse?"

Ikkaku sighed. How come indeed? He had made the right choice, he knew it. Yumichika would be happier that way...

"Sure he will! Only person he ever trusted leaves him. Guaranteed to make him happy, you bet!"

Ikkaku gritted his teeth. He did not want to go over that again! He ignored the sarcasm and tried to recollect his reasoning. Yumichika... Happy... Ah yes! Masayoshi-sama, good family, money, training... The voice sighed.

"Look man, we've been there before. It never got us nowhere, and it's not gonna do it this time either, so drop it, will ya? I don't wanna hear any more nonsense about the old man being "better" or whatever, OK? That's not the point, and you know it! The point is you need Yumichika and he..."

"NO!"

Ikkaku flushed and mumbled half-hearted apologies as he realised that everyone in the tavern was looking at him. Apparently, he had shouted that last word out loud, even as he had banged his sake bottle on the table. Refocusing, he explained to the annoying voice in his head:

"I don't need Yumichika, get that? I don't need no kid hanging on to my back, that I've got to feed and clothe and take care of and whatever. I don't need that, nobody does!"

That was only logical, was it not? Who would "need" something like that? Who would need a kid so demanding, so needy? A sword, a name, a family, books, answers... Darn kid wanted so much, always asked for so much! Who knew what else it would have been next! Not something Ikkaku could provide for him, that you could be sure of! Stupid, stupid kid, always needing more than Ikkaku could give him... Ikkaku was well rid of him...

"Tch... If you say so... Moron."

Huh... Ikkaku blinked. Did that mean he had won this battle?

"No, idiot, it only means I can't be bothered to deal with you when you're refusing to see what's right under your nose."

Ah, yes, that was more like it... Ikkaku shrugged; as long as he had peace again...

"Don't count on it."

He winced; he had known this was too good to be true. "What now?"

"OK, so you don't need Yumichika, or so you say. What about the drinking then?"

"Eh? What about the drinking?"

"You're not drinking to forget, are ya?"

"... No, I'm not!"

"Tch..."

Ikkaku felt indignant. What was the darn voice insinuating?

"I ain't "insinuating" anything, Big-Words-san, I'm sayin' it out loud: you're drinking to forget that you miss the kid, to numb the pain. 'Cept it ain't working, is it?"

Ikkaku stared at the empty bottle of sake in his hand. Was that why he was drinking? Was he really trying to... What was the expression again? Ah yes, "drown his sorrows"? That would be utterly pathetic...

"Yep, and pathetic is what you are. Running away 'coz you can't take a bit of competition, abandoning a kid who trusted you with his life, and now spending every bit of money you manage to make on sake. Absolutely, completely pathetic... You know what? You disgust me!"

Ikkaku gulped. An imaginary voice in his head had just told him that he disgusted it. That was bad. That was really bad... He could see only one way to deal with that...

"Another one!"