More Addie, more wife, more smut, and an old friend resurfaces.

Not good, not good at all, were Stan's first thoughts upon opening his front door. He had been on his way to enjoy a quiet evening vegging in front of the television and letting his dinner digest when the doorbell had rung. Wendy was eating her way through yet another bowl of chips carefully balanced on her bump (she'd been making a mockery of the phrase 'eating for two' since the second month but Stan valued his life too much to call her out on it) and they had finally persuaded Addie that it was time for bed so she was upstairs in the nursery getting ready; not that he expected either of them to open the door in his stead.

His teeth worried at his lip and before the person in front of him could even ask he presumptuously said, "Kyle's not here."

"Oh, I see," Shari muttered. "He's not answering his phone and he's not home so I just assumed. Well, if you see him…"

"Yeah sure, I'll tell him you dropped by."

"Thank you." She cleared her throat. "How's Wendy?"

"Great. Almost seven months." He squeezed his eyes shut. Why had he even brought that up?

Shari gritted her teeth. "How time flies."

"Uncle Staaaaan." Addie jumped down the stairs two at a time. "The air bed is leaking." She failed to mention it was because of the pocket knife she forgot to take out of her backpack falling onto it. "Oh no," she groaned at their visitor. "It's you."

"Wait you're… from the…" Shari turned and glowered at Stan. "Ugh, I should have known she was something to do with you."

"Hey woah, she's a friend's kid that's all. How do you two even know each other?"

"She was skulking around my apartment the other day with some guy. And I want to know why."

"Jesus, Shari, she's just a little girl. You're acting like she's some master criminal or something." Addie smiled her 'picture of innocence' smile. "Then again," Stan reconsidered, "her dad probably is."

"Her dad?"

"Eric Theodore Cartman," Addie proudly stated.

"Cartman?" She stared at the suddenly discomfited Stan. "Wait, that guy from school you and Kyle are always complaining about?" So that's who that man was. "Why are you babysitting for someone like that?"

"Someone like WHAT?" Addie started up and Stan pulled her back before she tried to instigate her very first catfight.

Shari primly pushed her hair back from her face. "I apologise, I didn't mean anything by that. I'm just a little stressed lately." She sensibly started back down the steps before things got ugly. "Sorry to bother you."

"Er, yeah. Goodnightbye," Stan called out before dashing back inside and slumping to the floor, relieved that it was all over. Addie plonked down next to him and patted his head consolingly. He was obviously terrible at dealing with Shari. She made him nervous as hell. "Come on kiddo," he breathed out once he felt rested enough. "Let's figure out this leaky air bed mystery."

Mystery. She laughed nervously. Right.

Shari hated being alone in the apartment as much as Kyle did. There were a few things she wanted and as he was nowhere to be found for the time being, though she gathered he was probably at Stan's as usual, she may as well pack them up. They weren't anything of Kyle's anyway, apart from a few photos from the wedding. Unprofessional ones taken by his mother, mostly of Kyle and his family but there were a few of her hiding amongst them.

She went through them slowly, picking out a nice one of her mother and little brother. Unsurprisingly her half-sister never RSVP'd. They hadn't seen one another since she was in middle school and the South Park address she wrote to was years old. She hoped by announcing the wedding in the local paper her sister might see it and turn up. Then she hoped by actually living in South Park they might cross paths somehow. She saw it as serendipitous that her fiancé was from the same place as her sister lived, or at least she did the last time they spoke.

She'd laugh at her, come to think of it. Had always thought marriage was for suckers. A common thought when you were from a broken home. If only Shari had been such a realist. Or at least wasn't so stubborn that she didn't listen to other people.

Maybe if Shari had taken heed when Kyle had begged her not to do her residency in South Park, she'd have perceived his resentment about moving back. If she'd been more concerned at how quickly he'd changed his tune when he heard Stan and Wendy were moving back too, she might have noticed their weird symbiosis.

Annoyingly, she liked them. Stan was good natured; simple but not in a stupid way. He was just easy to please. Wendy was smart and philanthropic, though not exactly rich enough for it. Shari certainly didn't wish them any harm, or thought they deserved their bad luck.

But there was definitely a clique feeling about South Park. Being a city girl she didn't understand those small-town ways. And every conversation those two were involved in was dominated by names and places and activities she couldn't grasp.

Remember when Cartman...?

What about when at Stark's Pond…?

Pirate ghosts or ghost pirates…?

She jumped at the sound of the key in the lock and began to gather up her things. "Sorry, I was just about to go," she murmured at Kyle's exclamation at seeing her on the floor of their room.

"It's okay. Oh that's…" he reached for one of the photos. Him and his little brother Ike pretending to fight over a piece of cake. His face had been aching from smiling and the pose was killing him by the time his mother took the picture. She never was good with cameras.

Shari stood up and shuffled the few pictures she'd chosen. "I'll come back for the rest some other time."

"You could stay for a while. I was going to order in."

"That's… not a good idea."

"You in a hurry?" he smiled and it was as infectious as always.

She woke the next morning in her old bed, Kyle mumbling in his sleep next to her, perfectly aware that her sister would definitely be laughing at her now.

That morning Cartman's hands wanted to explore all the ways they could tickle Kyle without actually waking him but they failed miserably. Within seconds Kyle had stirred and berated him sleepily. Cartman resolved to be more honest about his needs and wrapped his body around him.

"So Kahl, you've just taken your first cock, how was it?"

Kyle turned his head slightly. "Didn't feel a thing."

"Ay! What are you implying?" Cartman sulked until Kyle ran the back of his hand along his cheek, burbled something about breakfast. "Sorry, I didn't order anything." Cartman's bear hug intensified. "I had a funny feeling we wouldn't get up in time."

"So what's the plan then?"

"We could raid Stan and Wendy's later."

Kyle yawned, "Sounds good. Few more minutes."

"Don't have to go for a while yet. So if you had any other plans for us, now's the time."

Kyle was fully awake now and wriggled out of his grasp so he could clamber on top of him. "I'm good to go again if you are."

"Hella yeah."

"Don't say hella in bed, Cartman," he chided, but was easily won over when Cartman kneaded his thighs and butt eagerly. Embarrassingly, a moan escaped when Cartman licked his chest and slid his imploring cock against his ass. He nodded and found himself gently pushed aside as Cartman went in search of the lubricant. He tossed it into Kyle's hands and settled back into the pillows with his arms behind his head. "Ride me, Jew."

"Fucking excuse me?"

"Pwetty pwease?" he fluttered his eyelashes becomingly. "I'm swo tired this morwing."

"You were so anxious about all this last night," Kyle teased gently. "You got over your aversion pretty quick."

"My aversion to fucking or Jews?"

"You're really something Cartman, you know that right?"

"Yup."

"Okay, I'll do it as you asked sooo nicely," Kyle said shrewdly as he remounted. "But what do I get out of it?"

"My amazing dick in you."

"Sounds good, but I want something else too."

Cartman smirked, "Little too soon for DP, rookie."

"Dammit Cartman," Kyle smacked his chest. "I'm being serious."

"I know what you're going to ask for." What he'd been pestering him about all week, no doubt. He turned his head away. "No deal."

"Fine." Kyle leant down and painfully held Cartman's wrists above his head.

"Da fuh, Jew?"

"If you won't let me tie you down…"

He whispered something into Cartman's ear that made him drown.

"…then you're going to let me tie you up."

Kyle and Cartman met halfway over the tying up suggestion. Still wary that B.J. was somewhere around the corner, Cartman wasn't going to risk not being able to react to any situation, not that he was going to explain all that to Kyle. He used Addie as his excuse instead and so Kyle got to tie just the one hand loosely back and Cartman could get a broken wrist if he needed to in an emergency. His other hand was banished underneath the pillow and he super-cereal promised not to move it, a vow that was becoming more and more difficult to keep with every bob of Kyle's head as he fellated him with delightfully filthy-sounding smacks of his lips.

Cartman groaned unhappily when Kyle stopped, even though he knew it was to make way for something better and his hand twitched desperately under his pillow.

Kyle steadied himself above Cartman's cock nudging the head between his cheeks. He was a little wary. Last night hadn't been painful, not like Cartman insisted, but it had been underwhelming. He just felt odd and full and really the only part he'd enjoyed was the closeness of it, and how Cartman had completely lost himself.

As Kyle lowered himself his eyes flew open in surprise. This time felt different. Fuller somehow and when he leant back… "Aaaahhh!"

"You okay?" Cartman's hand cupped his face.

"Fuck yes." Kyle brushed him away. "Hand back mister, you promised."

"Yessir," he saluted then tucked it away. Kyle adjusted his position and undulated back and forth gently accommodating himself to Cartman's dick, his patience rewarded when he leant back again and lifted off to hit that certain something inside. Cartman licked his lips at the beautifully obscene sight of pre-come bridging Kyle's cock to his stomach. He moved his hips to meet Kyle as he slid back down again and God he wanted that yelp he let out as a ringtone or something so he could play it over and over. He made do with repeating the manoeuvre so that he could hear it again right then and there and Kyle obligingly moaned.

And suddenly Kyle was moving faster, his body setting a rhythm to a song Cartman didn't know so he let Kyle do what he wanted and get what he needed, head falling back as he came deep inside and spilled down his thighs. "Jesus," he breathed into Kyle's mouth when he bent forward to nip at him.

"You have permission to use your hand now." Kyle tugged it out from under the pillow. "If you put it to good use."

Cartman gave him a lopsided grin as his hand moved lower. "Careful what you wish for, Kahl."

"Addie, sweetie, look at the camera!"

"Mom, staaaahp, leave her alooooone."

"It's our first Hanukmas together, I'm excited! Aren't you excited?"

"Are all these for me?"

Kyle paused the video. Shit, she was tiny. And Cartman was thin as hell. He definitely preferred the snoring lump lying beside him now.

Cartman hadn't been kidding when he said he was tired and had fallen asleep almost as soon as he had 'thanked' Kyle for his efforts that morning. But just before he nodded off fully he had surprisingly offered his cell phone to Kyle. "Go through the media shit if you want. Satisfy your curiosity." It had, Kyle had enjoyed nosing through their private life before him. He should really have gone through it chronologically, he was realising too late. This was the first video recorded.

"Yes they're all for you," Liane simpered in the background.

"Why?"

His heart broke a little. No kid should have to ask that.

"Just open them. Mom, give me my phone."

The picture blurred and Liane was in shot next to Addie, waving. "Get my good side Eric! Open this one first, sweetie."

"What is it?"

Kyle recognised the furry pink ball immediately.

"An ushanka." The phone turned around and Cartman jeered into the camera. "Some little gayass I used to know had one." Kyle snorted with laughter.

"It's warm," Kyle heard her say off camera and it turned around to show that she had pulled it on and was hugging the flaps around her ears comfortingly. He smiled sadly. This version of Addie was so quiet and meek. Cartman had completely wrecked whatever shell she used to live in. Good.

He stopped the video and put Cartman's cell phone back as it began to vibrate again. It had done that all morning. Someone ringing, named simply 'Boss'. A faint streak of immorality told him to answer it but he had pushed it down. The phone stopped and with a satisfied sigh, Kyle wrapped his arms around Cartman and nudged the back of his neck with his nose. "We need to check out soon, dude."

"I guess. We've given Bebe enough material for her gay Tumblr dash." Cartman extended his arms with a pained groan and picked up his phone. "Like what you saw?"

"Very cute. But I'm surprised you don't have any dodgy shit on there. I mean, considering…"

"Get requests now and then. But I delete all that once it's sent."

Kyle sat up. "Oh? I see," he said with a frown. He would have gone further into the issue had Cartman not chucked his own cell phone at him. "What?"

"You got some messages from your boyfriend."

Kyle swiped the screen. "Ah…"

"Wha?"

"You might not like this…"

"Shit what's wrong?" Cartman fell out of the bed without waiting for a reply, gathering up his clothes and shucking them on.

"Nothing, nothing! Wendy had a craving for churros so they went out and now they're loitering around the zoo. They want to know if we want to meet them there or have a few more hours to ourselves."

"A few more hours." Cartman sat on the floor with his shirt on his head and one pant leg (the wrong pant leg) over his foot. It had already been over fifteen hours since he last saw her. Okay so she was asleep for most of them but still.

"Cartman," Kyle sighed at his forlorn face. "It's okay if you want to go."

"No." Cartman hooked his toe into his pants and discarded them resolutely. "You're right, this is fucking dumb. Tell Mrs. and Mrs. Hippy we'll catch up with them later."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah." He cosied up next to Kyle on the bed and thread his fingers through what was left of his hair. "Let's go home."

"This is nice," Kyle said, stealing a bit of Shari's pad thai.

"I know, that's why I ordered it for me."

"Haha, not the food, I meant this, just hanging out. Being together. Like old times." He shovelled a forkful of his own takeout into his mouth. "No pweshure."

Shari, who had also felt lazy and given up on using chopsticks, speared a piece of chicken with her own fork. "I like it too." A week of just casually running into one another and falling into bed. It suited Kyle, and her, for the moment. "But we can't do this forever."

"We can't?"

"For one thing you conveniently forget that were in the middle of a divorce." She put her dinner down. "Or is that cancelled now?"

Kyle stopped eating, appetite gone. "I was kind of hoping yes? We're having fun, and I mean…" He shrugged. "I still love you."

"Which is important. But there's a lot to work through." She stabbed at her food. "At least Stan and Wendy will be busy with their baby. If they're out the way then perha-"

"Wow, out the way? That's a little harsh."

"You know what I mean. We can concentrate on us at last. Maybe have our own baby."

Wow. All the time he'd known her Shari had her whole life planned out right down to the day. Babies were years away according to 'the plan'. "I thought you wanted to wait until after the residency."

"Maybe… we need to reassess things. And besides it might bring us closer."

"Shari, having a baby is the absolute worst way to save a marriage, I thought you were smarter than that."

"Well excuse me for trying. At least one of us has to work at this. I don't see why it always has to be me."

He ran his hands across his scalp. "I don't want to argue, Shari. We were having a nice quiet night with some takeout. Can't we just go back to that?"

No way was she letting it drop. "So I ruined things? Of course, that's always me too."

"I didn't say that. You're always putting words in my mouth."

And so they were arguing again, about the usual things. Nothing had changed, of course it hadn't, because they hadn't. It was the same old debate, the same old points of contention. And somehow, Kyle never remembered exactly how it came up, he confessed about Wendy's baby amidst it all. She misinterpreted exactly how it all happened, not that it would really have mattered. Whether he had betrayed his best friend or been jerking into sample bottles for almost a year made no difference.

This time she was gone for good. And this time he didn't blame her.

The Boss paced unhappily through the warehouse, ignoring the latest catch that his goons were reducing to a mangled pulp on the floor. Cartman still hadn't answered his calls or voicemails.

"Boss?" One of his men approached cautiously. He grunted for them to continue. "He's at a hotel. Saw him check in last night with a ginger kid like what you described. And check this out." He held out his phone, set on a photo sharing app. A blurry picture of Cartman and his new friend getting into an elevator with the caption 'guess whos fuckin omg'.

One of the henchmen pummelling the man on the floor took a break to peer over his colleague's shoulder and cackled loudly. "Wow, Cartman's sure punching above his weight ain't he? And that's hard when you're already a fat fuck."

"Careful," the Boss murmured steadily, "what you say about my Eric." The goon scuttled away with several apologies.

"Did you say 'Eric Cartman'?" The bloodied body on the floor stirred to life.

A henchman nearby prodded him with his foot. "Haven't you had enough? Stay down, you stupid bastard."

"Wait," the Boss snapped, almost running over to him. "You know Eric Cartman?"

"Everyone in South Park knows that crazy-ass motherfucker. But you just so happen to be talking to his Super-Bestie." He was pulled up by his blond hair. "Ah, Jesus!"

The Boss growled in his face, "Tell me everything you know."

"Oh no, see, you're confusing the term Super-Bestie with pussy-faced snitch."

"Talk. Now."

"Why?" he dribbled a small pool of blood onto his t-shirt. "What other bones do I have for you to break?"

The Boss growled again. "Who is this asswipe?" he spat at his men.

"Kenny McCormick. Brought him in on gambling debts."

"I'm a bad widdle boy," Kenny smirked, earning another punch to the gut when he was tossed back to the henchmen.

The Boss leant over his quivering body as Kenny huddled on the floor clutching his stomach. "Tell me about Eric and his pretty little boyfriend."

"Boyfriend?" he lifted his head eagerly.

"Tall, slim." He paused as he realised he was forgetting the more obvious striking part of his looks. "Ginger."

Kenny was almost giddy with laughter. "Oh wow, he's finally hitting that? About damn time. Fuck I'm jelly."

"So you do know him?"

"Nope."

"You understand that whatever pathetic little money you took from us could be swept under the rug for an exchange of information."

"Wow, you know, that changes everything." Kenny motioned him closer. Then grinned. "Fuck you."

"Well," the Boss stood up straight, "I know one thing for certain. You're definitely one of Eric's associates." He nodded at one of his men. "Clean him up."

"The fuck for, Boss?"

"He's going to be bait."

"Aw shit," Kenny muttered as he was dragged away.

The Boss held his hand out to his henchman. "Let me see that picture again." He scrolled through the comments and tags.

Lol whos top? #TeamBtmBtchKyle #KyleBlowjobski

Sticks n stones may break Kyles bones but whips and chains excite him #SadoCartman

Fifty Shades of Fat #ucandobetterkyle

The Boss ran his hand over his face. Of course, he should have known. Okay, he hadn't seen him for several years and he'd changed his hair but this was unforgivably stupid.

"Oh Kyle, you just love to keep crossing me don't you."

Who missed Kenny? I missed Kenny. Beautiful little angel that he is.

And that's not a typo, Cartman did call Stan and Wendy Mrs. And Mrs.