"Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness."
'Desiderata' ~Max Ehrmann
Thor and Odin made their return to Stark Tower moments after the Collector's capture. Odin made a demand that Lord Tivan be carefully watched before he went to seize his Infinity gauntlet, the glove's fingers clenching the Tesseract as if for dear life.
Natasha didn't get a 'thank you' for holding onto the All-Father's belongings. She didn't complain, though. Loki didn't even get the apology he deserved. She noticed the trickster with his head bowed in shame after Odin wordlessly walked by. Natasha wanted to tell him that with Frigga's murderer captured, Odin had to know he was innocent.
But Thor motioned him away, and Odin made a quick round trip to Asgard and back.
The All-Father requested to be alone with Thor, Loki, and the newly captured prisoner, leaving Tony, Bruce, and Natasha to gather in Tony's living room to wait.
Steve had been in the building minutes after the attack and he joined his teammates and let them fill him in on what he missed. Natasha gave Clint a call and he showed up twenty minutes later with pizzas.
"Hear anything good?" Tony smirked once the archer stepped in.
"I'm the one who's out of the loop," Clint reminded, setting three cardboard boxes down on a glass coffee table.
"C'mon," Tony prodded, "you had to pass one-eyed Santa on the way up here. Unless you flew in…"
Clint furrowed his brows.
"Thor and Loki are with him," Steve clarified. "They grouped themselves in the hallway to talk."
Clint shook his head and reached for a slice of pepperoni. "No one out there," he said before occupying the couch cushion between Tony and Natasha.
Tony got up right as the archer sat down to run out the door to scan the hall. "Son of a bitch…" He then ventured into his kitchen to grab two six packs of beer.
"No wonder it's been so quiet," Natasha added.
Bruce trailed after Tony to go grab plates for everyone.
"You don't think they picked up and left for good, do you?" Steve wondered.
"Loki might be back," Natasha mused. "It didn't seem like Odin was too keen on making him a god again." She waited until Bruce returned with the plates to help herself to dinner.
"Sorry you've had to put up with that guy," Clint muttered before taking a big bite.
"He's not that bad," she shrugged. "But if I'm appointed as his babysitter, then I'm gonna need to have a talk with the King of Asgard."
"The royal babysitter," Clint teased.
Bruce overheard the joke as he reached past Natasha for pizza and began to chuckle.
Tony returned and set drinks out for everyone. He helped himself to a can of beer and popped open the tab. "On a good note, we're not the ones dealing with this," Tony commented as he took a swig of his drink.
Bruce sat back in his seat, balancing his plate on his lap. "Really?" he sighed. "The city could've suffered a repeat of an attack that happened less than a month ago, and you're relieved that we're not part of this? This should concern us, Tony."
"Stark's selfish. Can't change that," Natasha butted in as she reached past the stack of pizza boxes for a beer.
"Dr. Banner's right," Steve chimed in. "That invasion made us a team. We need to stick together and make sure nothing goes wrong again."
Tony side-eyed the Captain while picking off tiny bits of mushrooms from his pizza. "The Tesseract's back on Asgard. This only concerns Asgardians now. Last I checked, you were Captain America." He sank back into the couch and popped a mushroom into his mouth.
Steve abruptly rose from his chair as he pointed a finger in Tony's direction. "What's it gonna take for you to give a damn?! Having this whole place burn to the ground? What about all your money being taken? Wouldn't be much of a big shot, then!"
Tony gave Steve a long, silent stare while the rest of the team watched. Clint uncomfortably inched away from Tony, pulling himself and a half-empty box of pizza closer to Natasha's cushion.
Natasha rolled her eyes and helped herself to another slice of pizza from Clint's box. "If you boys are going to fight, do it outside."
Steve gawked at the redhead in disbelief. "Don't tell me you're fine with his attitude."
Bruce abandoned the lone kitchen chair that rested between the couch and armchair. He could already sense a heated fight brewing, so he chose to leave, fingers clenching the rim of his plate as he did so. One Hulk-out and everyone in the room was likely to break out into an all-out war…
"Geez, guys, can't you keep it together?" Clint mumbled. He felt the couch's weight shift as Natasha left to go after Bruce.
She heard the doctor's steady and deep breaths and she knew that he would be fine. "Good job," she said quietly as she approached his side. "Just like you've been practicing. Did you count to ten yet?"
He nodded and stared down at his plate of half-eaten pizza on the kitchen counter.
Natasha started to rub gentle circles along his back as his deep breathing exercise came to an end. "Perfect," she murmured. "Maybe we should get Stark to piss you off so you can get even better at this," she jokingly suggested. Bruce failed to see the humour. "Come on. Finish eating and I promise that when you go back out there, no one's gonna be dead."
"Not yet," he muttered.
"Ok," she agreed. "Take your time."
"No," he gruffly answered. "I mean… we haven't killed each other yet. Who's to say we don't kill each other next week? Maybe even tomorrow…"
"I don't think we're team material, either, but we pulled through during an alien attack," she pointed out. "Why the doubt? I thought you and Stark had something special."
"Bonding over science will only get us so far," he muttered, leaning back against the counter.
Natasha gave him a playful smack on the shoulder. "Well I've started to like what I've seen of the Science Bros. in action," she assured. "Seeing you two work on fixing this place up tells me that we've got something good going for us, this whole 'Avengers' deal."
"Let's say Tony and I can keep playing nicely. What happens when Tony and Steve can't see eye-to-eye?"
"First of all," Natasha lectured, raising a finger. "Stark doesn't play nicely with anyone. Period. But things work out. From what I've seen, Rogers wants to see this city peacefully up and running. I've seen him helping with damage cleanup every day."
Bruce managed a weak smile. "For someone who prefers working alone, you're sure keen on keeping us all together. Did Fury order you to do this?"
Natasha turned on her heel and shrugged. "I've only been observing everyone. And…" she turned her attention back to Bruce. "I don't want Nick to feel like Phil's death was for nothing." She noticed a hurt look in the doctor's eyes. "We all pulled through for him. You don't want his death to be in vain, do you?" He bowed his head and shook it. If only Natasha could tell him the truth that only a very select few level 7 agents knew… "We'll pull through this."
"Quite the pep talk." He sheepishly grinned and reached for her hand. "It seems like you've got everyone's back, but the closer anyone gets to you, the farther you drift away. Except Clint and Director Fury."
"Years of established trust," she answered with narrowed eyes.
Bruce thought back to the day he hulked out and mindlessly chased after her as she struggled to run away like a deer from a hunter. "Natasha?" he quietly asked. "You know I can go through the yoga classes and meditation sessions alone, so why do you always join?" He noticed the redhead bite on her lower lip. The question had been on his mind for nearly two weeks since he first mentioned to her that he was going to make an effort to keep the other guy away. It was for everyone's safety, but he wanted her to know first since she witnessed just how frightening the Hulk could be. "Please-I'm curious," he pleaded. "Because if you want to earn my trust, then I'll work extra hard. Knowing that I hurt you kills me. I really want to make this up to you."
Natasha nodded and slowly met with Bruce's chocolate orbs. "What happened before wasn't your fault," she promised. Sure, the Hulk terrified her out of her mind. Natasha hadn't felt a rush of fear in so long-she didn't even think she could feel fear anymore. The adrenaline had felt nice, in an odd way. It was a challenge-an anger-driven beast who couldn't be reasoned with was charging after the spy who was so used to using her mind to manipulate her opponent and strategize what moves they would make. "You weren't in control. You really can't blame yourself for it."
Bruce's eyes lit up with gratitude at her statement. "It really means a lot to hear you say that, Natasha." How was it that she could so easily forgive him? After the Chitauri mess was all over, he learned that she had suffered a sprained ankle, courtesy of a metal pipe that his other half was at fault for. Not to mention her tossed her straight into steel wall… "I am really sorry. I'm still going to keep apologizing…"
"Now I feel like I'm with Loki," she replied, rolling her eyes.
"Is that a bad thing?" he chuckled.
"Not gonna lie, Bruce, the guy's not all that bad," she admitted. Natasha trusted that Bruce wouldn't repeat what she had just said to anyone else. "You must think I'm nuts for saying that, but when he's not brainwashing your partner, he's just a guy with family issues. And he's been needing a lot of comforting."
"And you wish to help him," Bruce finished. "Because the problems he's dealing with at home aren't his fault?" he guessed, wondering if there was a pattern in Natasha's need to 'help others.'
"The shit that went down here is one-hundred percent his fault," she noted. "But if this all stems from his 'being adopted' depression, then the guy needs serious help before some other world gets to have aliens destroy everything."
Bruce nodded in agreement. "Tony told me you were heartless, but you really aren't, are you?" he mused with a smile.
"It's one of my secrets, Doc, so let's keep this between us," she playfully warned. "Or you get what's coming," she added, sliding a finger across her throat.
"Scout's honour," he swore, giving her a three-finger salute. They fell silent and the two didn't even hear a peep from their teammates in the next room over. "You don't think they're dead, do you?"
"That, or Stark's passed out." Natasha started to leave the kitchen, but her name leaving Bruce's lips stopped her.
"Did you forgive him?" he wondered. "Loki?..."
Natasha shook her head. "I never did."
"Were you going to?" He was answered with a silence as Natasha left the room.
"Did the boys work it out?" the assassin called out as she regrouped with her dinner company. Only Clint and Tony remained, along with two slices of mushroom pizza and one unopened can of beer.
"Steve needed to blow off some steam," Clint absently replied. He was much more interested in watching Tony's thumb punch his phone screen as he struggled with a game.
"I'll get going, too," Natasha finished. "Don't stay up too late, boys," she teased on the way out.
It was after ten by the time Natasha left Stark Tower. She could have easily spent the night there, but she preferred the comfort of her own tiny apartment. As the streetlights guided her way down a fairly empty sidewalk, Natasha felt a lurking presence that she couldn't shake. After walking down one block, she could hear a set of heavy footsteps following her trail. The Black Widow was used to this child's play. Stalking was one f the oldest clichés in the book. Given that it was someone here to challenge her, they were doing a horrible job at it. Curious to test the theory, she made a right turn at the crosswalk and sure enough, the footsteps followed. Natasha wasn't afraid, though. In fact, it left her interested and she decided to humour her new friend. She took a turn into the first alleyway she could find and led her stalker down a path where the light couldn't reach them. Stingers were fully charged and ready. Natasha only hoped that her opponent was prepared for what he had coming. She finally turned around just as the man began to speak.
"Were you going to forgive me?"
Natasha's eyes easily found a set of bright green eyes and pale skin that was highlighted under the faint moonlight. "I thought you were on Asgard," she informed the trickster.
"We were," Loki admitted, "however I was left under Heimdall's watch while Odin was left with Tivan. I made him show me what you were up to."
Natasha clicked her tongue. "Spying on me from another world…"
"The perks of knowing Asgard's all-seeing eyes." Loki took a step towards her, his mouth in a thin line. "Thor is the reason I returned."
"But you're here only until you become a god again, right?" Natasha assumed. "You proved Odin wrong."
Loki shook his head.
Natasha was quiet as she expectantly waited for him to explain.
He rubbed his hands together, then began to pick at the skin of his left palm. "Thor overheard Odin making a bargain with Tivan. It would seem that he knows the location of the other Infinity items and Odin cannot have said items be found by anyone. Chaos far worse than what I brought to your city will ensue. In exchange for the gems' locations, Odin was willing to trade me." He paused and tightly squeezed his left hand. "Apparently, I am a rare treasure worth collecting… The only known half-Jotun in existence," he growled. "Destined to move from a prison in Asgard, to a cage in the home of a renowned collector…" Loki took a deep breath, not ready to have a breakdown in Natasha's presence.
From what Natasha had seen of Odin, she wouldn't hold it against him to simply give Loki away. She watched the former god, someone who had lost everything and didn't deserve one bit of it. Natasha didn't even want to know how far Odin's cruelty reached. Loki deserved a punishment for his wrongs, not suffering. "So Thor is protecting you? What if Odin comes back here?"
"Heimdall gave Thor his word that he would tell Odin that I was escorted back into the dungeons. Thor agreed to take the blame for my 'escape' and Odin best pray that Tivan doesn't inform Thanos that the Tesseract and gauntlet are back on Asgard, along with the locations of the remaining gems…"
Natasha wasn't fully sure what these 'gems' were, but in her mind, they were all puzzle pieces that formed destruction.
"Odin doesn't stand a chance against Thanos. Even if he locates and scatters the gems before Tivan finds them, Thanos will bring Odin to his knees and torture him until he tells all. The All-Father will be no more, but he doesn't deserve any pity."
"Loki," Natasha said in a low voice. "Revenge isn't the answer you want. You're not an object to be traded, I understand that, but letting Odin take the fall isn't the answer."
"Oh, you're one to talk!" he bitterly spat, drawing his face close to hers. "You say no revenge, but were you not the one to pull the trigger on an innocent girl who happened to be one of your tormentor's own flesh and blo—" Loki felt her fist bury itself in his middle, followed by a jolt of electricity throughout his entire body. His muscles seized up and he stumbled backwards and smacked into the hard ground as he uncomfortably shuddered from the aftershocks of Natasha's trickery.
"That was years ago," Natasha hissed as she towered over Loki's fallen form. She raised her leg and lowered her boot against the man's ribcage. The writhing of his body could still be felt underneath her shoe's thick rubber sole. He was lucky she kept her stingers on low. Loki deserved a hell of a lot more for his comment. This wasn't the first time he used Drakoff's daughter against her… "And I was just like you are now. Thirsty for revenge." She gave him a kick before straying from his side. "The only place that got me was back to the very place I was unmade." Natasha stared at the ground, unblinking. The memory was fresh in her mind, despite being decades old. Sometimes at night, Natasha would still hear that little girl's shrieks as a gun was held to her ear. "I thought revenge would bring me peace."
"Put the gun down, Romanoff!" Drakoff had warned in his thick Russian accent.
"Why?" A young redheaded assassin demanded. "So she can be made into a killer like me?"
His white teeth peeked out from beneath his moustache as his lips lifted in a smirk. "You are merely a toy. The Red Room's pride. Don't try to compare yourself to a little girl with a bright future." His smile fell. "Who are you to barge into my home like this?... Now lower the gun," he advised as his eyes flickered to those of his bawling child's.
In that split second, Natasha saw the concern in his eyes, the longing that man felt to protect his child, as any good father would. That was the second her finger pressed the trigger. A shot rang out as a quiet 'fuck you' left Natasha's lips.
"Don't go back down that road," she warned, turning around to find him roll onto his side.
"Then what do you expect me to do?" Loki rasped. He clenched his fist and felt a tingling sensation begin to disappear. "Return to Asgard so I can become a display?"
"Thor knows where to find you," Natasha answered, walking towards him. She offered him her hand and helped him onto his feet. "If things get as bad as you think they will, then he'll come get you. I'm sure he's thinking of a plan right now."
Loki snorted at the notion of Thor using his head to conjure up a plan. Thinking had never been the thunder god's strongest suit…
"Thor deserves more credit than that. He still called you his brother, even when you were trying to destroy us."
"He has always been sentimental." He brushed off tiny pebbles and dirt that clung to his leather costume.
Natasha began to leave the alley and Loki trailed after her like a lost puppy. "You can stay at my place tonight."
"And tomorrow?"
"Stark can keep you," she answered as they walked alongside one another.
Loki fell silent at the comment. The assassin didn't necessarily want to keep him. He was just a toy to be passed around until it was to be thrown out. "Perhaps I am better off in Tivan's care," he mused. "At least he shows interest in having me around."
"Don't think that I'm just handing you off. My apartment's only got room for me," she clarified. "And my cat, so if you're allergic, you'll be stuck outside."
Loki clasped his hands behind his back and chuckled.
"And you'll be sleeping on the couch."
"Is that where all your guests sleep?"
Natasha glanced at him in the corner of her eye. "I'm always alone."
"Barton never visits?" he prodded.
"Rarely."
Loki paused to flash her a smirk. "And the Doctor? Does he ever visit?"
Natasha shot him a glare as they continued their way down a sidewalk. "You're awfully keen on assuming we have something going on."
"Are you helping him overcome his rage simply to prove that he shouldn't feel responsible for any harm he brought to you?" Or perhaps love was foreign to her. "Be yourself, Natasha," he began. "'Especially, do not feign affection.'" He sensed that she was giving him an odd look. "'Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and…'" His words began to drift as his feet came to a halt. He was quoting something. Nothing he was saying were his own words… An image of him running down a corridor towards Natasha raced through his mind, and as he ran, Frigga's voice recited those very words that had just left his mouth. He never did discover what that piece was called… Loki lifted his head to find Natasha eying him curiously. "Are those words familiar to you?"
Natasha raised a brow. "No, not really…" Loki's head fell and she knew she wasn't ready to deal with a depressed Loki. "We're almost to my apartment. I can look up whatever that was there," she promised.
A light flickered in Loki's eyes as he gave her a grateful smile. "Can you?"
"It's like Googling song lyrics to find a song title. No big deal," she shrugged.
"I believe it was a poem," Loki said, picking up his pace little by little in hopes of getting to Natasha's home sooner. She easily kept up and grabbed his hand to force him to make a left. "Frigga recited it to me, but I never bothered to ask what it was…She left me with the book and I searched for it, but my mind was distracted as I recalled what you had told me about love being for children."
"Then I'll take the blame if we can't find what you're looking for," Natasha agreed.
"I then began to question what would happen if my dreams were prophecies." Loki stopped himself there since he didn't care to mention anything about Natasha being his wife in said dreams.
"You never know, Loki," she absently answered as she led Loki up a set of steps. Natasha opened up a door and reached into her pocket for a set of keys.
Loki allowed himself into the warm building and after a brief elevator ride, he was finally in Natasha's home. The space was small, much smaller than what Loki had seen of Dr. Banner's home. He also sensed that her living space was empty. Loki was no expert on Midgarian homes, but there was a feeling of emptiness lingering all around.
Natasha motioned him over to a wooden desk where she kept her laptop and stacks of paperwork filed. She started up her computer while Loki looked around, curious as to where her cat was hiding. "What was that quote?" she asked, bringing Loki's attention back to her.
"'Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection.'" Loki watched as her fingers danced along the keyboard as he spoke. "'Neither be cynical about lo-"
"'Desiderata,'" she interrupted. "It means 'desired things' in Latin." She began skimming through the poem but stopped when Loki's head obscured her view. "Hey, your mortal eyes can't be that bad…" Loki didn't budge, so she turned the laptop so he could have a better look. "This is it, right?"
Loki nodded as he took in every word. As he read, he could hear Frigga's voice speaking to him and that only made his chest ache. The last verse in particular struck him. 'Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.' Happiness. That was all Frigga wanted for him. She had to have intentionally been reading him this. Loki re-read the poem from the beginning, desperate to commit every word of Frigga's message to memory.
Natasha noticed a tear slowly roll down his cheek. She held her breath and watched it make its way down his jaw, down his chin, and landing with a silent splash on her desk. Natasha wasn't sure what to say to him, but thankfully, Loki spoke first and ended the uncomfortable silence.
"I'm tired." That was all he said before automatically making his way to her couch.
Natasha shut her computer and headed to her bedroom closet. She grabbed one of the spare blankets she liked to use in winter months, along with an extra pillow from her bed. When she re-entered her living room, Loki was hunched forward with his face buried in his hands. Drop the blanket off and say goodnight, she repeated over and over as she drew closer. She had work in the morning wasn't about to have a grown man's sobbing keep her up. Natasha approached the couch and set the pillow and blanket down on the armrest. And then she left, overhearing Loki mutter something about happiness. Natasha stopped and without turning her head, she bid him goodnight.
There was no answer. The silence that Natasha had always enjoyed only felt painful now.
Then she turned back around, back to Loki. This wasn't what she was trained for, but a nagging part of her brain told her that in helping him, she was helping herself. Because that was who she saw in him.
Natasha sat down beside Loki and rested her cheek against his shoulder. His body stiffened, so she began rubbing his back, hoping he would know that she was here to try comforting him.
They had both known loss and both had seen death. They lived lies, and those lies made them into who they were. Both knew pain, distrust, anger… One chose to live by a code of doing what was right to earn redemption, while the other believed that they were a rightful ruler, a hero in their own mind. Both chose to act out these codes in hopes that it would hide the horrors from the past.
But even the horrors were a piece of them, and that couldn't be changed.
Natasha felt Loki begin to relax. "Take a deep breath in," she murmured. "And out… In…" Loki soon began to breathe in time with her commands. "Out…"
For two souls who had been dealt a cruel hand, there was only one thing they could do.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.