Wel...heres the next chapter....Ive wrote up to chap 15 so far...Let me tell you ...the more I write the sadder it gets.... :( I really want this fic to have a happy ending...but we'll see..
I didn't sleep well. I kept wanting Bella, wanting to hug her and kiss her and cuddle up to her as she slept. My mind had at least some of its questions answered. I knew what Bella wanted; I knew that she would let me show her affection, that I could kiss her. My mind had gotten a glimpse of what was going on inside her head. But the questions that had been answered, raised more questions, difficult questions. Like was this a long term thing? How far would she allow us to go? How did she feel about me?
I shook my head and went downstairs, everyone was seated at the breakfast table as usual, and Esme was putting everything I asked her to get into cartons.
"Esme, I told you I would do that." I said smiling; I lifted the bag up from the floor and began packing it. Yesterday I pried myself away from Bella, and asked Esme to pick some things up from the shop, silly picnicy things. My plan today was to take Bella to the meadow. She hadn't seen it before and today would be the only day in the week that it was sunny.
"I still like to help Edward." She smiled and handed me a small container,
"Okay, can someone please tell me why you two are packing food up?"Alice asked from across the room,
"Edward is taking Bella out." Emmett said, smiling over at me,
"You knew that all along?" Alice kicked him under the table and he yelped. Bella giggled and leant her arms on the table,
"Where are we going?" she asked quietly, I smiled at the sound of her voice and zipped up the backpack.
"I want to show you something." I said simply, Alice kicked Emmett again,
"Oh right the whole 'privacy' thing." He said using air quotes, I rolled my eyes at him and Bella laughed, Esme slipped out of the kitchen behind me and Alice grabbed Emmett's arm. Bella stacked the plates and walked over to me; she laid them down on the counter and wrapped her small arms around my torso. I sighed and pulled her closer, pressing my face in her hair. I kissed her forehead and she looked up at me smiling.
"Are you actually going to tell me where we are going?" she asked sweetly,
"Nope not a chance," I smiled, she huffed and kissed my neck sweetly before releasing me,
"I'm just going to have a shower and get dressed kay?"
I nodded for her to continue and she trudged up the stairs. After I washed the plates up slowly, to drag out the time, I walked into the sitting room, Emmett was lounging on the sofa, Alice wasn't anywhere to be seen.
"Em can I ask you a favour?"
"sure." he said grinning at me,
"Can we borrow your jeep; I don't really fancy getting the Volvo stuck."
He sat up and leant his elbows on his knees, "stuck where?" This couldn't just be easy could it?
I sighed, "Fine. Stuck in the forest,"
"You're taking Bella to the forest? What the hell are you going to do out there? Bear hunting?" he chuckled and I glared at him.
"Can we borrow the jeep or not?" I asked, he raised his eyebrows at my tone but smiled slowly and nodded.
"Sure," he waved his hand dismissively and I exhaled loudly,
"Thanks." I muttered. I turned on my heels and caught Bella bouncing down the stairs, she smiled at me and wrapped her arms around my waist,
"We need a jeep for...?" I rolled my eyes, and bent down to distract her, she hummed and her hand went to my hair. She ran her hands through it and tugged lightly. It felt so good. She swayed her body in mine and pulled away, still smoothing my scalp.
"That's not an answer." She pouted and I kissed her lips quickly,
"I know." I smiled and she huffed. She was cute when she did that. Her hands dropped from my hair, she turned quickly and walked into the kitchen. She grabbed the bag off the counter and my hand was out already to take it off her. My trip, I might as well carry everything. She smiled and handed me the bag, "keys?" I asked and she popped into the living room, I heard a jingle of the keys being tossed and Emmett's congratulations that Bella caught them. I chuckled to myself and Bella came back into the kitchen.
"Ready?" she asked smiling and twisting the keys in her hand, I nodded and she opened the door for me.
Emmett's jeep was the easiest car to get to the meadow. I had only driven a car up there once, and I vowed I would never do it again. But I wanted to get there quickly, so we could spend the day there. Bella buckled herself in quickly and I followed suit. I put it into gear and headed towards the highway. We took the dirt road about six miles down and that lead us into the forest. I knew that we would come out at the south side of the meadow, although the jeep wouldn't get past the six meters or so of trees to the actual clearing, it was good enough. Bella didn't really speak much during the journey, but it was pretty much impossible. The jeep bounced and trembled over all the bracken on the forest floor, one of the reasons I promised not to drive down here.
I stopped the mammoth of a vehicle and took a deep breath. Bella took her hands off the window and dashboard, she was using for support and chuckled at me.
"Let's not do this too often huh?" I suggested, she smiled and started unbuckling the tight belts. I swiftly undid mine and got the bags out of the back and opened the door for her,
"Thank you." She smiled and reached up on her tiptoes to kiss me chastely. For the millionth time I did a mental happy dance. Bella was kissing me. And she was smiling. With me. "So," she looked around, "we climbing a tree or something?" I couldn't help but laugh at her, I shook my head and started walking to the pool of light that was in front of us, she followed wordlessly and I pushed a few branches away for her and she stepped into it.
The meadow looked brilliant with the sunlight. And with Bella in it too, it was pretty much the best place on this earth at the moment.
"Um, wow." She spread her arms and twirled; I pulled the large blanket out of the bottom pocket of the backpack and fanned it out, covering the grass. She smiled at me and sat down, I sat next to her, inches from her body. I unzipped the bag and began pulling out random containers, not really sure what Esme put in each of them. "I was wondering what Esme was doing this morning," she giggled and helped me pop open the lids.
"I thought a picnic would be nice today." I said raising my head to the sunlight and closing my eyes. I remembered I loved the feeling of the sun on my face, the heat, the faint smell of the wildflowers.
"How on earth did you find this place?" she asked, I let my eyes open and I looked at her,
"I was jogging." I shrugged, she leaned over and picked an apple slice out of one of the containers and started nibbling on it.
"It's beautiful." She murmured, I nodded and picked up a piece of apple too. "Do you come here all the time?"
"Not all the time, I was here the other day, for a good couple of hours, jus thinking." She leant back on her arms and closed her eyes. I looked over her and realised how beautiful she really was. The shape of her lips curved into a small smile, her skin, practically flawless, and her hair with its tiny red streaks the shimmered a little in the sun. Fucking hell, I must be going insane.
"What were you thinking about?" she asked,
"You." What was the point in trying to lie? She must have known I was thinking about her, it was just so plainly obvious, according to Emmett anyway.
"Hmm." She said simply, "anything specific?" she smiled and reached up her hand to take another bite of her apple slice. I took a deep breath and looked down into my lap,
"Not anything specific, I just wanted to show you the good things in my life, not just the bad." I whispered, with the almost silence in the meadow, it sounded loud.
"There are a lot of good things in your life Edward." She lifted her head, our eyes connected and the air charged, I knew she felt it too because she smirked and let her head drop back again.
"There are now." I said mostly to myself, hell I might have just shouted 'I love you' at her. She chuckled and finished the apple slice. Mine lay almost untouched in my hand. I took a bite and she spoke again.
"What things were you going to show me?"
"Well here," I looked around me, trying to remember what else, "Oh, my piano." I said smiling. Thoughts of playing my piano filling my mind. I really would have to get that thing back out.
"You play piano?" she asked, I looked at her and she was looking directly into my eyes, I nodded and her smile grew, "you'll have to show me that."
"I haven't played it in ages," I said, "well not since..." I stopped myself, shaking my head. I would not let these thought consume me when I was with Bella. I could deal with it. My hands started shaking and my breathing increased. I'll be okay. I'll be okay.
"Since?" she pushed, I pleaded with her in my mind, please don't me fall. My mouth opened without my permission, I would give Bella anything.
"Since my last suicide attempt." I muttered grimly, a thought entered my head, "well the one I was almost successful at, no crazy girl to stop me that time." I chuckled darkly and saw her sit up,
"What happened?" She asked quietly, could I relive it with collapsing into the dark? I took a deep breath and ignored my erratic heart and the stupid sinking feeling.
"I tried to drown myself, Carlisle almost found me, I couldn't put him through that." I shook my head and closed my eyes tightly. My hand found my hair almost instinctually and I tugged it lightly at the side. She put her hand on my shoulder and I calmed minutely.
"Why did you stop playing?" my hand dropped and I felt hers replace it, she smoothed the hair back and I took another deep breath,
"Um...I guess my music was always a way out for me, like it took me away from whatever the hell was going on in my brain. After I saw Carlisle's face, I mean he isn't stupid, he knew exactly what had happened, I just couldn't bring myself to play anymore. It was like I didn't deserve it."
My heartbeat relaxed a little and her hand slid down my neck.
"Edward? What happened to you?" she sounded like she had tears in her eyes, I looked up and sure enough they were there, my hand came up and smoothed her skin, I couldn't bear the thought of her crying because of me, "why are you so...depressed?" she choked out, I felt tears prickle at my own eyes,
"I don't know Bella; I don't think there is a reason. I think I've always been like this, everyone just started noticing it since my mother died."
"Is that why?" she whispered, I shook my head. I had come to terms with my mother's death. I understood that it was no one's fault, I didn't blame her, I wasn't really that close with her when she was alive. I had embraced the pain, and mourned for her, but I had dealt with it.
"No I don't think so; I've dealt with that pain." I said simply, she didn't press the issue, she didn't ask how, or when. She just bit her lip and nodded her head.
"Hasn't anyone ever tried to find out?" she whispered, I dropped my hand from her face and returned my gaze to the floor,
"Not really,"
"What about a therapist? You said before you've tried."
I sighed, if this were anyone but Bella, I probably would have told them to piss off, that or walked away. But this was Bella, and she deserved answers from me.
"I was fourteen, and Carlisle was concerned, they told me it was attention thing, that I would grow out of it." she gasped, I looked back up and our eyes connected,
"But Edward you're eighteen now, that was four years ago, surely...they can tell it's not an 'attention' thing." She screwed her face up at the word attention, I smiled and tucked her hair behind her ear, I was so happy I could do that finally, and that what I knew I needed, I needed her. As long as she was here, I could change, I could get better.
"I'll be okay." I reassured her. She opened her mouth to say something but I pressed my lips to hers, feeling her natural high spread through me already. "I promise." I whispered against her lips. She sighed heavily and pulled back. We didn't say anything else, we just enjoyed each other's company, we would pick at the fruit and sandwiches Esme had made for us, we would sit and enjoy the sound of the wind in the trees above us, or the babbling of the stream that wasn't too far away.
We weren't awkward after our conversation; it just felt like we had melted more into each other. I had let her see a part of me that not many people got to see, an explanation, of sorts. Not so much a reason, but knowledge. She hummed and I lay back, my arms behind my head, enjoying every minute of the sun, yet cursing it for being so bright I couldn't keep my eyes open to watch Bella.
I felt her hair on my arm and jumped; she chuckled and laid her head on my arm, running her hand up and down my chest. I laughed too and took one of my hands and wound it around her back. it was one of those moments, the ones where I wished I could tell her. But I didn't.
"This is nice." She hummed, she had no idea. "It's nice to be with someone who wants to be with me, who doesn't force their company on me." she said snuggling into my chest. I was confused.
"Who forces their company?" I asked, running my fingers through her hair, loving how soft it felt between my fingers.
"Well not anymore," she drew random circles with her fingertips on my stomach, I was still confused.
"Okay, who forced their company?" she stiffened and moved her head slightly, but didn't answer, "Bella?"
"Just...everyone I used to know, Jacob mostly." She whispered and I tensed up, he forced his company? What the hell did that mean?
"When you say...?"
"god not like that..." she lifted her head, "well not all the way...like that." she finished, my eyes widened, "he just didn't like me with anyone else," she put her head down, I felt a pulse of anger run through me and she started drawing her circles again, "I had to stay with him, and only him. And he had to come over every night to see me." she shifted in my arms, "because my dad works late, and he wanted to make sure I was alone."
"That's a little overbearing." I said, feeling like I just said the understatement of the century. "Why didn't you just break up with him?" I asked quietly,
"It wasn't that simple." She whispered,
"Did you love him?" I closed my eyes and dreaded the answer, I didn't want her to say she did, I wasn't even sure I really wanted the answer to the question,
"I don't think so, I mean to begin with he was a perfect boyfriend, and maybe I did a little, but then when he went crazy, I just couldn't. It was like he was all I had, if I left Jacob, where would I be? Charlie and his dad had been friends since they were children, I didn't want to jeopardise that for him. And well we both know how well Jacob handles bad news."
I felt my arms tighten around her protectively, irrationally. There was no danger here, just me and her, and the sun and the slight breeze.
"Were you scared of him?" I asked, not really understanding why I was asking these questions, but wanting to know the answers. She didn't say anything but I felt her head nod slightly and her arms hug me, I felt the overwhelming urge to reassure her, "Bella, you know I wouldn't do anything like that right?"
"I know you'd never lay a finger on me Edward, but there are other ways to hurt me," she whispered, I didn't answer and she understood my confusion, she lifted her head, "if you hurt yourself, that would hurt me too, I...care for you too much."
I wrapped my arms around her and drew her back to my chest. My heart contracted painfully when she said 'care for' I don't know why, I knew she couldn't love me. Why was I so hurt by this stupid phrase? Maybe it was because if I said I cared for Bella it would practically be an insult to both my feelings and this obsessive devotion I had for her. I felt her relax into my arms. Was I supposed to say something? Reassure her that I wouldn't do anything like that? I wouldn't.
Well that wasn't exactly true.
Deep down I knew that if Bella was ever pulled away from me, I don't know what I would do, I'm not saying I would jump off a cliff three seconds after she was gone, I just honestly didn't know what my life would be like. Whether Bella's nature would reflect upon my own, whether I'd be worse than before, or whether I'd just go straight back. If I did embrace the darkness again, I knew it would only be a matter of time before those thoughts swirled around in my head, before I could justify ending my life...again.
I sighed and settled for silence.
Silence was better than lies.
So review and let me know how you liked that....Nice...Boring....*shrug*....Tell me.... :)