Ԁɹoʇǝɔʇ ʇɥǝɯ ʇo ʞᴉll ʎonɹsǝlɟ˙

Protect them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill them to kill yourself.

.flesruoy llik ot meht tcetorP

˙ɟlǝsɹnoʎ ʇɔǝʇoɹd oʇ ɯǝɥʇ llᴉʞ

Kill them to protect yourself.

(Excerpt from a 5 page entry of more of the same.)

I remember.

I remember everything that I was missing. I should start there, I think. I was born in clan Lavellan. The Keeper was never fond of me, but especially so after I started to go into town in 'disguise'. She said that the Shems were just going to make it worse then they found out that they'd been duped. She was right. However, they never stopped sending me into town for materials and to sell what we needed. Once all the mages broke loose I was the only one to go into town. Even before then, she made sure that I always returned how she saw me. A woman on the outside to her. Always it would be her way.

Disobedience was not an option. I'm not sure it was ever an option. Ever since they'd heard about blood magic wiping out a clan her fears were realized and the clan was held under her iron rule. We obeyed quietly, but I suppose I was the only one that by providence was blessed by Dirthamen. God of secrets and twin brother to the god of death. I tried to be myself in secret, but it never lasted. I became an example. I was banned from being healed by magic and was allowed only potions when I behaved.

She also said that I was lucky to be in her clan, because if I'd been in another they would have forced me to be male by blood magic. She said that soon Fen'harel would come after me and destroy me. She told me that she loved me and would protect me forever. I was foolish enough to believe her every poisonous word.

Protect them to kill yourself.

Perhaps that's why when she said someone had to go to Conclave to see what was to happen next, I volunteered. I was excited at the prospect of being too far away from her to feel her wrath at me using my disguise again. Maybe it's why the Nightmare took away all of the bad memories of my clan. Maybe I wanted to forget the stories of every scar I'd ever received at her hand, or maybe I just wanted to forget myself entirely.

Kill them to protect yourself.

How I remember was not how anyone wants to recall anything. The feeling was nothing short of falling asleep only to jerk awake suddenly because of a dream which eludes your grasp. It all started with Hawke, who was a nice enough guy, but continued with Stroud saying that we needed to go to Adamant Fortress. It sat on the cusp of darkness that was the chasm which held darkspawn within its depths. The fight between us and the Wardens put me at unease. A lot of good men died fighting the Grey Wardens.

I thought the Grey Wardens were the good guys. I thought a lot of things were what they were supposed to be. I was wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. I screwed it all up by hoping too much for the Wardens to think for themselves and ended up fighting and killing so many of them. More lives in my hands. I wanted to go home, away from responsibility. I didn't want to be the Inquisitor or the Herald or even Faelyn anymore. I... I didn't want them to know that I was secretly a sham that was just pretending.

Which made it all the more difficult that when I fell into the Fade that I remembered. The small orb I found while the others went ahead contained all of the memories of home. I remembered everything that I'd ever wanted to forget and I wanted nothing more to give it all back. That was when Dorian called for me.

Protect them to kill yourself.

I had no choice to look back now was too dangerous. We'd ended up in the Fade and what happened before was just that. I pushed past it and stuffed it down to cope with later. I caught up with the rest of the group and Iron Bull and Cole seemed about as distressed as I was. I saw nothing but ruins of Aravels and dead halla before us. However, I put on a glad face and held my bow tight as we formed the plan to escape the Fade. Face down the Nightmare and escape through the tear beyond it.

It was a lot of fighting demons and apparitions that were my clanmates that were just... screaming, but we made it. The spirit of the Divine or whatever it was. I think it was like Cole, not a spirit or a human but some strange combination of both. I watched her banish the larger being just beyond the woman that was standing on a stone pedestal surrounded by all the bodies of the elves and people I'd ever known. Before she could hiss another word I shot an arrow straight into her mouth. My companions, all of them, rose from the ground and swarmed us, screeching nonsense and something about my 'true' self. I kicked them away and Dorian cleared a path for me to fire off another shot at the banshee that was my Keeper.

She said one last thing, Protect them to kill yourself, and I fired. As the thing vanished, I watched the giant being arise from the depths. It was angry and ready for round two. As we ran, we had to leave behind someone, and that was... it was the Warden Stroud. Another life that puts more blood on my hands. I told him to go, to cover us for as long as he could. We managed to get to the other side and I sealed away the Nightmare.

But even though it was sealed away, I could still feel its presence like small knives digging into my back. The Wardens were given a chance to salvage whatever they could and report to us. I wondered briefly if there should be a check on the Inquisition too, because we'd probably end up like the Grey Wardens.

When I returned I shut myself into my room and turned over the words. Protect them to kill yourself. It was true, the more I worked to help my friends, my Inner Circle, I found myself fading away. Or maybe it was the old me. The person in my memories was a liar and was somehow fooled by the promise of acceptance with conditions. I still don't know what this 'Herald' me was anymore, but I figured it was better than before. Maybe there's more than one way to die. I don't know, maybe it's all nonsense.

Certainly sounds like the Chantry nonsense they shove down your throat doesn't it? I laid down on my bed and looked at the small amulet sitting on my nightstand. It was really Dorian's, but I hadn't gotten the chance yet to give it to him. I picked it up and looked at it for a while, wondering what it was truly worth.

That was when Dorian entered my room. I held it behind my back and greeted him as I put it into my pocket. He... was wondering if I was okay after all that had happened. I told him if he was okay after saying that I was getting there. He looked distraught at the question. Somehow, the look in his eyes reminded me of the amulet. Perhaps I saw the homesickness there, or maybe I figured that it was about time.

Dorian held it for a long time, I remember. He was confused, he thought that he was indebted to me. I said no, consider it payback for teasing me about my necklace and thought it was fair game. He kissed me, it was sudden and I fell into it but soon enough it because rough. Too rough, the glamour I'd gotten wasn't quite that good. I pushed him away gently.

Dorian looked confused. I wanted to be with him, but not this way. Not yet. He was confused, and explained how things had been at home. I nodded and said I understood. Things back home wouldn't have let me with anyone really, except who they wanted me to be with. I neglected to say that I wouldn't have been allowed to be myself or to be with anyone. They weren't exactly on my side, but they never spoke out against me openly. Perhaps their silence was as condemning as anything they could have said to hurt me.

I wanted this relationship to exist beyond just the physical, and I think Dorian needed this as well. We spent the night in my room, just talking and laughing. Even as I remember the image of my clanmates clawing at me and just screeching, I know that everything isn't really fixed, but for this moment in time, I suppose that it's okay to not be completely moved on and yet ready to take the next steps into a new life. Mythal I'm feeling corny today aren't I?