SURPRISE!
This is a pre-Easter bonus! I'm going to London on Saturday, so I won't be able to update Sunday.
So many thanks for your review, keep them coming, because they make my day 3
Chapter 10 – Choices
I pretended I was sick the rest of the week, just to avoid seeing Edward and Alice, as I couldn't pretend that everything was fine and normal. Charlie worried, of course, but I played the part well, since I looked like crap. Besides, I'd never given him any reason to doubt me before.
Strange nightmares plagued my nights, but I noticed that I was never fearful of Edward in them, which I took as a good sign that at least my subconscious seemed at ease. Now the rest of me needed to follow.
When Charlie left for work, I would sometimes slip out of the house, and walk the small path from the edge of our garden and into the forest. I never went far, just to a huge fallen tree, where I could sit and think. In the forest, surrounded by nature and ancient trees, the idea of the supernatural didn't seem so weird or frightening. If I was especially open and poetic, it was almost beautiful and magical.
I tried to understand what Edward had told me, and what the implications were and what they meant. I knew there was something they were keeping from me, and I knew it was about me, about why I was told.
In my hearts of hearts, I hoped I knew why, but I ignored it for the time being, as I needed to concentrate on other things. Besides, before I even started considering dating him, I needed to start being real friends with him. Or at least dispelling all the akwardness between us.
Would it even be possible? Cross-species dating? He was technically still a human, just with some added power...
I decided to visit Carlisle, and since I was pretending to be sick I knew Charlie wouldn't mind me leaving the house for the hospital.
It felt immensely odd walking the familiar hallways on the way to Carlisle's office, now that I knew what he really was. He knew I was coming, and the door was open when I arrived. I wondered if Alice had tipped him off, or it was his extraordinary hearing or sense of smell. I shook my head to myself; this was so absurd.
"Bella," Carlisle greeted me. I let go of a breath I had unknowingly held. Carlisle was so obviously good and I instantly felt calm in his presence. He seemed so serene, so true. Carlisle wasn't evil or bad.
"Hey Carlisle," I said shyly. He closed the door behind me and I took a seat in the chair in front of his desk. He took a seat next to me, rather than behind the desk.
"I know you've had a lot to think about." Carlisle opened the conversation easily and I nodded.
"A bit," I agreed with a grin. He regarded me with calm eyes, and let me gather my thoughts.
"It's just… crazy," I admitted. "I mean, I believe you. I know, but my mind…" I trailed off. "Why me?" I whispered, unable to keep the question to myself.
"I think you know why it was you." Carlisle offered me a small smile. My heart picked up and I blushed unwillingly, knowing he could hear it.
"You've been given quite a bit information over a very short amount of time," Carlisle agreed. "Think about what you want. The rest of the information will come by itself," Carlisle said. I considered his idea.
I wasn't sure what I wanted, but I realized what I didn't want. I didn't want to stay at home, and I didn't want to avoid Edward and Alice.
"We have a lot of history, and there's no need to tell you everything in seconds. We got time," Carlisle reminded me. Being reminded that I wasn't facing a deadline made me feel immensely better. Still, though...
"If something happens, if I become the meal, Charlie won't be touched?" I asked for reassurance.
"Only by the grief," Carlisle admitted sadly. "I can assure you that everyone is taking utmost care regarding you," Carlisle promised. "Were you ever to… become the meal, it would happen purely by accident, not due to a well-planned strategy."
"But accidents happen," I added. He nodded sadly.
"Yes. Which is why you need to understand the dangers of being near us. You must always consider interaction between us could have serious consequences. A hug could be too hard, and squeeze…" He trailed off. I understood what he was saying.
"Have you ever done this before?" I wondered curiously.
Carlisle shook his head, "no, this is a first. None of my children, nor my wife, were aware of vampires until they had been changed themselves…" Carlisle explained. I wondered what that meant for Edward and I.
"If I walk into this with open eyes, and something does happen, I don't want anyone to blame themselves," I said quietly. It was still an 'if', but I knew that I couldn't put the blame on their shoulders. I could see Carlisle's shoulder tense less, and I knew he felt grateful. An eternity of guilt must be horrible.
Carlisle was a great source of comfort and information, and I felt much better talking to him. He repeated one thing that he demanded from me: that I always consider the consequences, the good and the bad. Being around vampires could be dangerous, for a human, so I needed to understand the dangers all the time.
"I need you to understand, Bella, that being amongst vampires might not necessarily end with you dying. You could simply break your bones, or you could happen to be turned into us by accident, and both has quite a few consequences," Carlisle said seriously. I hadn't considered this. I had only thought that I might end up as the meal. Of course, I could break some bones. Worse, I could become paralyzed.
"You mean, if they stop eating me before I'm dead?" Edward had said their saliva was venomous.
"Yes. If something does happen, this could be the outcome, too," Carlisle said seriously.
"What would that mean?" I whispered. Surely, it wasn't worse than dying.
"If it happens at 17 you'll be stuck as a teenager forever," Carlisle explained, "if you're a little older you'll be stuck like that forever." It didn't sound so bad. "But we cannot change, Bella. If you were ever to become a vampire, you would most likely have to say goodbye to your family… We'd have to fake your death…"
"If I died for real it would be the same," I commented, but Carlisle shook his head.
"There's a difference between losing something and never knowing, and then continue living on, knowing you've lost something," his words seemed to reflect something deeper, "as a vampire, you will be aware of the loss of your family. It can hurt a lot and for a long time," Carlisle explained. "There are other things as well, such as never growing old or having children…" his voice trailed off. His tone somewhat more severe as he spoke the last words.
If I entered into this, I could end up dead, or becoming one of them. I would never grow old or have children, I would never be able to visit Charlie, Renee and Phil again. There would be no lounging on the beach. Could I live on, knowing that they believed I had been killed somehow? My thoughts strayed to Charlie. He was a lonely man, and he loved deeply. It would hurt him more than Renee. Renee had Phil, and she was easily distracted. Charlie was different.
The silence stretched between us as I considered his words. The dangers and consequences were many, that much was obvious. I felt my stomach drop and turn uncomfortably.
"There's one last thing," Carlisle almost whispered. I met his gaze. "Alice told me that she or Edward will talk to you about it, but I feel that it is my duty to address it as well. My family and I trusts you with our secret. I cannot even begin to express the importance that you never tell it to anyone else…"
"Carlisle, I would never…" I whispered horrified, but Carlisle held up a hand to stall me. I would never break their trust.
"I trust you, Bella, but this is something that must be said out loud, and not just assumed. The only rule our kind has is keeping the secret, and Edward took a big chance on telling you…" Carlisle's eyes softened, "I believe it was the right choice, Bella," Carlisle assured me and I felt a little better, "nevertheless, we have a group of vampires that govern us, and their policy is strict… Whatever happens, you must keep our secret…"
"Of course," I promised. I wanted to ease Carlisle's fears, but in truth, I also needed to think. There were rules, or rather 1 rule, and they had broken it - for me. What would happen to them if we were caught? What would happen to me?
"To alleviate your fears, they live in Europe and are unlikely to find out about you…"
My talk with Carlisle had been tough. I now realized what a huge risk Edward had taken by telling me, and I worried that I would somehow let them all down.
I vowed to myself that I would do as Carlisle told me: consider the ramifications of each possibility. If I did this, if I accepted their friendship I might never see my family again, nor grow old or have kids.
I hadn't ever considered getting kids, but this was so huge, that I would have to consider just that. Did I want them?
Carlisle had also been right; there was a huge difference between actually dying, and living the rest of your existence knowing what you've lost. Being dead meant no regrets, no thoughts, no nothing. Becoming a vampire meant I would suffer an eternity, if I had many regrets.
Carlisle spoke from experience, and I wondered if he, or any in his family, felt the loss of their humanity deeply. Perhaps they all did, each in different ways.
I realized that they had made a choice. I understood that they actually broken a rule in order to tell me, and that brought on so many other questions.
I would keep their secret, no matter the outcome, but I had to make a choice, too. I had to consider if I could do this, if I could take that chance. I had to do it not just for my own sake, but for the Cullen's sake as well. If something happened, I needed them to understand that I had understood the dangers and accepted them.
Should anything happen the last thing I wanted was for anyone to feel guilty, at least if I made the choice of keep seeing them.
Regretting not having children would only count if I wanted children when I was turned, and currently I had no interest in them. The truth was, right now all I wanted was Edward. I was not blind, I knew Edward had affected me since the day I started at Forks High, and I recalled my romantic dreams with perfect clarity. However, since the start of the new school year, since we had become friends, I had gotten a glimpse of a person who truly fascinated me. I wasn't sure if it was because he was a vampire, or because of his personality, but I needed to find out. I needed to get to know him, to understand him. I wasn't sure why, and for now I had to consider if being near Edward would be worth it if an accident happened, be it broken bones, death or becoming a vampire.
Logically I would say no, but I knew it was hollow. The mere thought of staying away from Edward brought a strange pain thought my very core. I spent every dream trying to keep Edward with me, but he kept slipping away. In my waking hours, I became irate and frustrated, longing for him. It started to hurt that he was so close, and yet so far.
This week without him felt like torment.
"I think you know why it was you" Carlisle's words often ran through my mind, and I often found myself thinking about it. If he was right, it meant that Edward liked me the way I liked him.
I felt like a preschooler to think about us 'liking each other', but I knew I wasn't in a place right now where I could be more serious about it. There was simply too much going on. For now, I just wanted us to be Bella and Edward, to be friends. I wanted to take things slowly, so that I could really feel if I was on the right track. I wanted to be able to get off the train easily, if I were so inclined.
I worried for Charlie, but I knew it was futile to stay away from Edward, since he was on my mind constantly. A parent should never have to put their child in the grave, but I accepted the terrible possibility that Charlie might end up doing just that. Edward had once said he couldn't stay away and the truth was that I couldn't stay away either. For now, I would take my first steps with Edward, but be mindful in case I changed my mind.
I knew that I couldn't live my life half. I wanted to be near Edward, and I knew, if my parents were ever told the truth, that they would understand. Well, understand might be a poetic way of saying it, but I knew that they would want me to be happy. To live your life half due to fear is no life. I trusted that Edward or his family wouldn't plan to kill me; I trusted that if it happened it would be an accident.
As the week neared its end I felt I was finally able to put words on some of my feelings.
I'm irrevocably in love with Edward
I think Edward might be in love with me, too.
I don't know what that meant, but perhaps it didn't have to mean anything. Perhaps we could just be Bella and Edward, and then see where it went from there.
I know he or his family could accidentally kill me at any time. I accepted that risk.
I know I could accidentally be turned into a vampire, and I accepted the risk and the implications.
If anything, I could always re-evaluate later on. Carlisle was right, it was important to ask myself often if it was worth it. If it turned out that Edward held no romantic feelings for me, then I was pretty sure I would have to end our friendship. It was a painful realization, and I only hoped it wouldn't come to that.
I decided to meet with them Monday and try to get to know them better. Perhaps that would strengthen or weaken my decision. Once I had realized this, I found myself excited for Monday.
Monday morning dawned early. I was up before Charlie, fixing him breakfast both as a pre-emptive apology, but also because I felt I needed to let off some energy. I even wrote an email to Renee, telling her that I missed her.
I arrived at school twenty minutes before the first class started. The parking lot was empty, save for one other car: a silver Volvo.
I sucked in my breath, feeling the tingling sensation of butterflies. I had missed them silly, especially Edward. I stomped it down in order to be more alert and serious, though it was hard.
Alice and Edward had obviously arrived, but I didn't see them, not until I reached my first class of the day. Edward was already seated inside, waiting for me.
"Hello, Edward," I greeted him almost shyly.
"Are you OK?" Edward wondered tentatively. His concern made me feel calm and happy.
"Yeah. Sorry. I just… can we start over? Be friends?" I asked him seriously. Third time's the charm, right?
"Hello, my name is Edward Cullen. What's your name?" Edward extended his hand, just like he had done last time after the vacation. He had offered me a new start, and now I offered him one. I grinned and shook his hand, ignoring the tingling sensation as our flesh met.
I noticed that Edward's handshake was somewhat loose, and I understood that he, too, tried to hold back. It seemed kinda sad that it was necessary.
"My name is Isabella Swan, but please call me Bella," I asked of him. I felt a bit better, hoping I could get to know Edward better this way.
"So, enjoying Forks so far?" Edward wondered interestedly. His smile held mirth, and I felt pleased to see him smile.
"Oh it's okay. My dad lives here. He's a cop you know," I told him informatively and with a smirk. "It's a dreary place, but I enjoy living with my dad," I admitted easily.
"Cop? Oh, I think I might've heard of him. Chief Swan, correct?" Edward winked at me and I laughed lightly.
"Yeah, well, I guess with a small town such as Forks there are no secrets," I replied and then Edward leaned back and laughed. I was startled by his laugh at first, but then I joined in. It felt good to laugh, I had missed it, and it was wonderful to see Edward laugh. It suited him.
My stomach tinkled.
Whenever we had time, we continued this type of small talk throughout the day. He asked about my favorite subjects and colors, music and whatever else he could come up with. I asked him about his as well. At lunch, we sat with Alice, who fell into the conversation easily, and I found I asked her the same questions I'd asked Edward, just out of curiosity.
We ignored the whole supernatural part for a while, just getting to know each other, which was a great help, because I was getting to know Edward as I thought he really was, sans supernatural.
It also helped me affirm my decision. I had now gotten to know both Edward and Alice a bit better, and I wanted them in my life. I felt I understood the dangers, but I still wanted them in my life.
On Friday, after four days spent with the 'getting to know you'-game, I was finally able to give my decision to Edward and Alice. I had delayed giving it, but I needed them to understand that I understood. That I didn't make light of their condition or my decision.
"Hello, Bella!" Alice was extra cheerful today and almost bouncing in her seat as Edward and I reached her.
"Oh god! You've already seen it!" I exclaimed, realizing now what an annoyance her gift was. "I thought you had trouble seeing me!"
"I have trouble seeing you, but this decision is really firm. I don't think I could've avoided seeing it had I tried. Now, come on, tell anyway," Alice demanded happily, as Edward and I sat. I spared a glance towards Edward, who seemed very happy. So, he knew as well, but he hadn't let on at all throughout our classes.
I started my well-rehearsed speech. "Thank you both for giving me time," I thanked them both. "Most of all, thank you for letting me make the decision," and I frowned, not sure how I could explain, "this is so… life and death, it has really given me the chance to re-evaluate some things in my life. So thank you for giving me that opportunity," I said.
Continuing, I said, "I know what can happen…" the mood dropped slightly, "but I trust you, and if something does happen, know that I don't blame you. Honestly, I'm generally pretty accident prone, so if something happens it's likely my fault," I tried to grin. "And if it isn't, that's okay."
"I've decided that I would rather take a chance and be your friend, than live a life of regret. I don't know what will happen, but I want you to know that I plan on having my eyes open all the way, and if anything ever happens, know that, as things stand between us now, I really do forgive you."
"Oh Bella!" Alice reached over and hugged me tenderly. She was careful, and I hugged her back, trying to use my entire strength. Of course, she didn't realize.
Edward was extremely happy as well, and he looked like he wanted to hug me, but refrained. There were a few awkward moments and Alice sat there grinning stupidly at us. I was blushing furiously.
"So we're friends?" Edward dispelled the awkwardness. I nodded, smiling greatly. It felt like such a relief to finally get it out.
"Yep. And if you like you're welcome to come by after school and we can carry on with our movie/book deal," I told him. Alice seemed elated, and I wondered what she had seen. I knew I would have to talk to her about her visions eventually, but for now, it was okay to let it be.
Edward assured me he wasn't busy, so he followed me home after school. I felt really giddy the whole ride home, and I was really annoyed that that I had work this weekend.
"Perhaps we should do our homework first," Edward suggested and we quickly got done the few things we had.
"So, Harry Potter," I said and picked up the book.
"It's the next on the list," Edward said and fished out a copy of his own. I stared at the front cover uncertain.
"Isn't it a kid's book?" I wondered.
"All ages," Edward replied easily and opened it. Edward started to read, and I found myself mesmerized by his voice. So much so, that I ended up not listening. Edward laughed when I spaced out, and then he insisted I read instead.
We were interrupted by a text, but Edward had already read before I had barely realized that he had received it.
"Your father will be here in ten minutes," Edward said. I knew it must've been Alice who wrote. "Should he know about me?" Edward wondered.
"Should he?" I wondered in reply, biting my lip. "It won't complicate things if I become the meal?" My sentence seemed to startle Edward, perhaps because it sounded so casual.
"You're absurd," he whispered with wide eyes. I raised an eyebrow. "If anything were to happen there would be nothing that leads to us," Edward finally replied uncomfortably.
"If something does happen, can you make sure Charlie gets my body? Just make it look like I was attacked by a bear or something," I replied.
Edward struggled with himself, and very hesitantly, he reached out and touched my cheek. His finger slid down my cheek, leaving a hot trail. My heart thudded in my chest.
Hoarsely, Edward whispered, "yes." We stared at each other. There was so much I wanted to say, but I found it difficult to breathe and think. His hands, which lay so close to me, called for me. The trail he had left on my cheek made me burn with a need I hadn't experienced before. I saw him struggle with emotions that resembled my own.
For a while we simply sat, staring at each other intensely. I felt lost in his eyes - lost in him.
It was only when I heard Charlie arrive home that both Edward and I realized we had subconsciously leaned towards each other. We moved back from each other and I tried to busy myself with the books, and ignored Edward's dazed expression.
"Bella, I'm home," Charlie called. It occurred to me that I had forgotten about dinner, and I scrambled up from my floor where Edward and I had sat in my room.
"Hey dad!" I called.
"Whose car is it outside?" Charlie called from downstairs. I felt my heartbeat pick up.
"Edward Cullen's car," I left my room to greet Charlie. I tried to calm myself and stop being irrational.
"Edward Cullen?" Charlie quirked an eyebrow and looked over my shoulder. I turned to see Edward at the top of the staircase.
"Yeah, Edward this is my dad. Dad, this is Edward," I fumbled with the words, and Charlie looked at me humored. Why was I suddenly so nervous? There was absolutely no reason to panic.
"Hello, Edward," Charlie grasped Edward's hand firmly and shook it.
"Chief Swan, sir. I am Bella's study partner in most of our classes. We're reading Harry Potter," Edward spoke with certainty and ease. Charlie didn't believe it one bit, but that was probably because Edward was a boy.
"We were reading Harry Potter," I reiterated and refastened my ponytail as way to keep my hands steady.
"Of course," Charlie replied calmly but with a glint in his eye. It suddenly dawned on me that Charlie was amused. His eyes crinkled with humor and his mouth was quirked upward. I flushed.
"Anyway, so… Edward needs to go home now to… to eat. And I need to cook dinner, I lost track of time, so dinner might be a little late," I explained feebly.
"Why don't you join us, Edward," Charlie suggested. He seemed amused.
"No, he can't. Not today," I all but shoved Edward back to my room, where I panicked as I collected his things. Edward watched me, amused.
"Bella, are you alright?" Edward wondered. I straightened myself.
"Yeah, sure!" I replied chipper. How could Edward be so oblivious? Couldn't he read Charlie's mind? Didn't he understand what Charlie was thinking was going on? Charlie thought Edward and me were… And we weren't. It wasn't like that. Edward and I hadn't even neared that part of our discussion, we'd slowly danced around it, and so I was definitely not ready for anyone to make assumptions. We had only just gotten to the friendship-stage, barely leaving the awkwardness behind us! I tried to backtrack mentally and emotionally. I needed to clear my head.
I felt hot and embarrassed, never having stood in this situation before. Edward didn't reply, but graciously accepted that I was kicking him out.
"I'm sorry… I forgot about the time. You met Charlie; I'm glad you did," I told Edward on the porch. My words were rushed and I still felt ludicrously pink.
"I am as well. See you tomorrow," Edward winked and me and moved to his car. I watched him drive off, feeling as if my heart was being constricted.
"So, Edward," Charlie startled me.
"Oh yeah. Study partner," I replied and entered the house again. I moved to the kitchen and Charlie followed me.
"He seems nice," Charlie continued.
"Uh huh," I replied vaguely.
"You like him," I stopped what I was doing and stared wildly at Charlie. He laughed at me. "Come on, Bella. It's pretty obvious. I don't mind if you were doing something else than homework in your room, as long as… well, you're being safe."
I stared at Charlie. "Dad! We were just studying. I promise. It's not like that. We're just friends." I hissed, still in panic. Was Edward far enough away or did he hear this? I knew I was panicking unnecessarily, but I think it might've been due to the seriousness of it all. It wasn't just a boy, it was Edward, and he was a vampire, and I could die, and, and, and... I couldn't deal with all the emotions.
"Bells, I'm glad you've gotten a boyfriend…" Charlie said calmly.
"We're not dating," I insisted, feeling like I wanted to escape to my room.
"But you want to," Charlie smirked at me. I fell silent and then I sighed. Edward had to know, there was no way he couldn't know, after all.
"Perhaps," I finally agreed. "But we're just friends right now, or trying to be…" I said.
Charlie moved towards me and kissed my hair. "I'm glad to see that you've gotten a friend." With that, Charlie sauntered into the living room, leaving me to gape after him.
My status as a social pariah had obviously not gone unnoticed by Charlie, though I had tried to shield him from knowing. I realized now that Charlie was so pleased to see me socialize, that it didn't matter if Edward was a boyfriend or friend, as long as he was willing to be near me. I felt a bit bad for Charlie; it must've been hard for him and he must've worried.
The rest of the evening was spent trying thinking about things. If Charlie could see that I was in love, then surely so could Edward. Edward hadn't said anything, and he was interested in continuing our friendship. I had to wonder, however, considering the dangers, that Edward would be unlikely to continue our friendship if he knew about my feelings and didn't return them. By that logic, Edward must feel something for me, mustn't he?
I could always ask. I knew I would ask, eventually, but I wasn't ready for that conversation just yet. There was so many things overwhelming me, and I needed some stable ground before I tackled that conversation.
Edward called Saturday morning, and Charlie picked it up.
"Hello Edward," Charlie raised his eyebrows at me, making me flush. He was enjoying this far too much.
"Hey Edward," I tore the receiver from Charlie's grasp, and Charlie laughed at me.
"Hello, Bella. I wanted to know if I could come by today - after work," Edward spoke from the other end and the butterflies in my stomach danced around.
"Yeah, sure. I'm off at 2pm," I replied. I looked at my watch and saw that there were hours till 2pm. We agreed to meet at my house at 3pm, and I hung up. Charlie had his body turned towards me in his seat and watched me, humored.
"You're finding this far too funny," I growled at him.
"I'm just happy. I worried, you know…" Charlie admitted and I felt guilty. I moved over to him and kissed the top of his head.
"I'm sorry," I told him.
"So, Edward's coming by later?" Charlie asked.
"Yes, after work. We're reading Harry Potter," I said, "for school," I noted how Charlie's eyes seemed to glint, but he held his tongue. Despite his amusement, I was his daughter and he wasn't supposed to want me to have fun with boys.
Regarding Charlie being open about Bella possibly having sex: I don't know how controversial it is in the States, but my father knew that he couldn't keep me from doing things, so he strove to ensure I took precautions and genereally ensured that I knew I could come to him and where to find knowledge if I needed it. Seeing as Charlie is a cop, I'd like to think he would do so same.
I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Please review