Late updates, but shit is about to go down. Enjoy.
Ikuto's fingers slide through mine so easily. It's too easy to fall in line with him, to see him every break. Over the weekend, I worried about this-whatever we have. Everything ends, doesn't it? This will end. No, you could get married, Ami says. It didn't make me feel better. Then it ends in death. What if I'm the one left alone in the world. If I depend on Ikuto, I will get hurt.
That's not to say I don't want to be near him. I want him at my side, for however long this lasts. Still there's that noise in the back of my head, whispering. There's so much noise, but there's really no noise at all. The world just feels like it's spinning. I'm falling. That's all I can realize.
For Ikuto, and towards the ground.
"Amu?" Kukai's voice ripped me from my mind. I'd have rather stayed there then talk to him now. "What happened Friday?" He stares at me, and maybe I'm the only one who can see that look he gives me. Hatred, that's what it is.
"What are you talking about?" I focused on the locker in front of me, full of things I should have thrown away.
"You and Ikuto." He pressed on, stepping closer. It's not so no one else will hear, I know this. "What happened?"
"It's none of your business." I shove past. "What? Does Saaya make you spy? I guess she does have enough to black mail you, doesn't she?" His face turned red in anger. My older brother lurched forward, his face inches from mine. "I'm not scared of you." Oh, but I am.
"Shut your mouth." He said angrily, punching his index finger into my chest. "With a mouth like that, something will happen." He stormed down the hallway.
"Are you alright?" Rima rushed to my side. "I saw him come up to you. I would have stepped in if I'd known he was so pissed."
"I'm not fine." I admitted, letting the breath I'd been holding escape. The tears that pricked my eyes didn't fall for once in my life. Am I gaining more control of myself? One can only hope. "Where is Ikuto?" Every thought of him went over my head. Dread coiled in my stomach from Kukai's words. "He doesn't make idle threats." My voice is a hushed whisper.
"He threatened you? Tell Ikuto." She urged me to, only to see me shake my head. "Why?"
"It will make everything worse. I have to take care of my problems on my own. I'm not so weak anymore." She smiled at me, but there's sadness on her face.
Kukai's glares didn't slip past me, or Ikuto. In the free time of choir that day, he questioned me. "What's going on?" I flipped through my notebook, trying to block him out. I couldn't though. "Rima said Kukai threatened you."
"Oh, hell." I grumbled, slapping it shut on my lap. "I don't want to talk about it." The chance of it going away by not talking is slim, but it made me feel better. "He didn't hit me, or any of that. He just knows a lot about me."
"So we're back on the topic of what you can't talk to me about." The roaring lion inside me just turned into a mewling cub. "We're," he checked if anyone was eavesdropping. "Together, but you can't trust me?"
"Don't." I cautioned him. You're walking a very fine line. "Please, I just want to forget about it." When I looked up, tears had formed in my eyes. "I just want to forget it happened, okay?"
"Ikuto, come here!" Ms. Ichinose yells just as I stood.
"We're not done talking about this, okay?" He told me, and squeezed my shoulders. "I'm sorry I made you upset." He rushed to the ensemble group.
"It's not going to last long." Saaya spoke from behind me. "A girl like you can't satisfy his needs. You won't be able to make him happy."
"I guess you're the expert at not making Ikuto happy, huh? Anything I shouldn't do?" Her pupils grew wide with anger. The girl at her side left immediately, seeing that I was no where near done. "Listen, Saaya." I spoke quietly. "We don't get along, and that's fine. But we know things about each other. If you don't cut the shit, I will tell everyone."
"I'll be sure to tell Ikuto how you blamed him for trying to off yourself. It's too bad you didn't succeed." It's bad, but this is what I'm good at now. A few months ago, I would have been a quivering mess. The new people in my life have given me courage now.
"You really can't stand me, can you? You can't stand how I'm finally better than you at something." We stared at each other. I became aware of the silence around us. Ikuto's eyes were focused on my body, leaning over her. It looked like we'd fight, no doubt. "Leave Ikuto and I alone, or I'm going to end you."
She called out as I walked off. There's no questioning the fact that it was for attention. Look at me, I'm Saaya and I like to ruin lives. "Is that a threat?"
"It's a promise." I took my seat again and resumed writing. Music had a grip of my heart again, so I found myself writing a new composition last night. Ami will jump with excitement when she sees this.
I don't want to be here; I don't want to talk about his. If there's a God, please strike me down here and now. Ikuto took the food from the drive through window and pressed on the gas pedal. I snuck a few fries out of the bag. "What did you say to Saaya earlier?"
"I told her to stop what she's doing, or I'd end her." It exactly what I'd said, just paraphrased. "She sent Kukai to find out what's going on between us. That's why he harassed me this morning."
"Why would Kukai do anything for her?"
I took a deep breath. "Because my darling brother got Saaya pregnant a few years ago, and she'll ruin his relationship with Utau if he doesn't do her dirty work."
"What?" His voice rattled the car. "Utau doesn't know?" I shook my head. "I have to tell her, you know that."
"I know, but I think you should wait." He shook his head. "I figured as much. Tell her, but I"m doubting she believes you." Utau is head over heels for him. Surely, he wouldn't cheat on her. It pains me to see an innocent girl get hurt from all of this, but the fact is there. My brother is a jerk, but I didn't have a spine before. I didn't tell anyone.
"Is that all?"
"No, but it's all you get today. I'll make you a deal. If you don't find out before Friday, I'll tell you Friday."
"That's only two days away." He answered, taking my hand.
"A lot can happen in two days." I smile, leaning my head on his arm. "I want to tell Utau myself. I've kept it to myself, and I feel guilty that I'm not telling her."
"She might get mad, and not believe you at all." I nod; the chance of her not believing me and going back to Kukai are high.
"He didn't cheat on her." I clarified. "This happened when, well when things went very bad." Kukai was fourteen, a very stupid fourteen year old. Saaya was the same age, and someone paid for an abortion. Who? I don't know, but it sure wasn't her parents.
"I'll call her then." He pulled his phone from his pocket while driving with one hand. "Are you going to eat all of the fries?"
"Probably." I giggled, while he turned onto his street. With my Dr. Pepper in one hand, and the bag of fast food in the other I climbed out of the car once we were in his driveway.
"Can you come over? I need to talk to you about something." His keys jingled while he unlocked the door for me. "No, don't bring Kukai. It's private stuff." I cringed. Wouldn't that be a sight if Kukai came as well?
"Hello." Souko said, while I rummaged through the bag for her sandwich. "Thank you." She kissed the top of my head and turned to the TV again. "What is Ikuto doing?"
"He's calling Utau. I have to tell her something," I said. "In person. He's telling her to come over."
"It's bad if she has to hear it in person." Nothing has slipped past this woman yet. A sigh passed through my lips. "What is it?" I must have looked like a deer stuck in head lights. "It's alright. You don't have to tell me."
"Come on," Ikuto said, walking up the stairs.
"You probably won't believe me." I began, knowing this would be difficult. "I can't do this." My eyes landed on Ikuto. "How am I supposed to practice breaking her heart?"
"You shouldn't start with you may not believe me, because I think it will make her less inclined to believe you."
"I don't know what to do if she doesn't believe me! It's the truth. It's just so terrible that,"
"What will I not believe?" My stomach dropped when Utau spoke. When did she get here anyway? "What's going on?" Her eyes flitted between her brother and I.
"Kukai hasn't told you something." I blurted out, watching her face contort. It must feel like she's been punched. "He threatened me, and we both know things about the other that are bad. I told Ikuto because to explain things I had to. He was going to tell you no matter what. I wanted to tell you because I feel just as guilty for you not knowing."
"Tell me." Utau sat on the edge of the bed, bracing herself.
"He got Saaya pregnant when he was fourteen." It physically hurt me to watch her register my words, to piece together events that didn't make sense before. "He was dating her before and after I woke up in the hospital." Ikuto would be piecing things together now as well. "I found out later about the pregnancy. She aborted the baby."
"Oh my God." She choked on her words. "I can't," Ikuto went to her side while my body remained frozen in shock. "Amu, come here." Just like that, I was sitting beside her. Her head fell on my shoulder. "I believe you."
"I'm so sorry." She shook her head sadly.
"I guess it's for the best, but it hurts." I gripped her hand, looking at her. "That explains why he's been seeing so much of her then." She swallowed the lump in her throat. "He's going to be gunning for you when I break up with him."
"That's fine. I've been waiting to do this for a long time." Her lips curved into a smile. "Do you want to stay at my house tonight? You basically live with him, don't you?"
"Yeah. It looks like I'll be living with Mom and Dad again." She looked to her brother. Joy is splashed all over his face. "But I'll stay with you tonight. I should go tell Mom though."
Ikuto took the seat beside me. Tension exploded inside me once the door shut. "Did you figure out why I was in the hospital?"
"I hope I'm wrong." His voice is the softest I've ever heard it. "I'm not, am I?"
The moment I say it out loud, there's no denying it anymore. Whatever is between us will become more awkward for me. I'm that freaky girl who tried to off herself. The months from arriving to now have shown me that he doesn't care though. This isn't enough to send him running.
"You're not wrong."
Tomorrow is the day that's been coming for a very long time.
-Kelsey.
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