10: Not a Girl

Adam sighed. He knew Katie was just trying to help, but they just met a few minutes ago and he didn't think it was appropriate to tell her his whole life story right then and there.

"We just…had a break up is all," Adam tried to convince her halfheartedly. He was hoping she'd get the hint and drop the topic completely.

Katie just nodded. It was a long shot getting him to talk to her and open up, she knew that. But something about his demeanor made her want to break down the heavily guarded walls around him. She didn't know why he had this pull on her, but he did, whether he knew it or not.

Adam glanced to see disappointment and embarrassment obvious on Katie's face. He caved. "It's just," he said struggling to find the right words, "Fiona is…gay. I mean, she likes girls. And I'm not a girl."

"Oh, I didn't think of that," Katie replied. She looked over at Adam for a long moment. "This could be overstepping seeing as how we just met and all, but, how do you know you're transgendered?" she asked genuinely intrigued.

He raised an eyebrow at her. It wasn't a rare question. Actually, it tended to be the one most people asked him. How did he know? Normally, he would respond by asking how they knew they were a girl or a boy. Then he would say it's a fundamental thing to know about yourself. But this time, he answered differently.

"Well, it's like, whenever I see myself – not literally, but like, in my head – I don't see a girl. No matter how hard I try, all that comes to mind is a boy, me as a boy. I know it sounds a bit crazy…" he trailed off.

"No," Katie said without hesitation. He turned to her. "It doesn't sound crazy," she told him.

"Ever since I was little I knew I was different. I don't mean just a little different like I didn't want to play with dolls or wear dresses, I mean like, the mere thought of wearing a dress made me sick and the idea of playing with dolls or playing house made me want to puke. All I wanted to do was be one of the guys. Which is fine until you get older. When you're little, it's okay for a girl to be not girly. But once you're older, if you're not girly, you're messed up. So I asked myself why. And this was the answer I got," Adam spoke honestly and sincerely.

"Being me makes me happy, no matter how hard it is. And if people don't want to accept me for me, then they don't want to accept my happiness. And that's just fine with me," Adam vented.

There was a pause as Adam met Katie's eyes. She felt her breath hitch in her throat. His eyes were piercingly beautiful. They made you not want to look away. She couldn't figure out how she didn't see them before.

"Beautiful," she whispered under her breath, but Adam caught it.

"What?" he asked confused. He heard her say something but wasn't sure what.

Katie felt her face flush from being caught. She realized she had yet to answer Adam. "Oh, I, uh, I said that was beautiful," she stumbled on her words. Then she quickly added, "What you said, I mean."

Adam chuckled nervously. "Um, yeah, I guess it was," he shrugged. "But its how I feel; it's something I can't change."

"You're a very interesting boy, Adam Torres," Katie told him. He smirked at her then turned away. There was a brief pause as the two sat together.

"What about you?" Adam asked, breaking the silence. Katie looked at him puzzled by the question. "Tell me something about you," he pressed.

"Okay, well, I'm an overachiever," Katie offered. Adam shook his head.

"No," he said. "Something more. I opened up to you; now it's your turn."

Katie sighed. It was only fair that she tell him something personal after he was so generous to answer her question with personal information about himself.

She looked into Adam's eyes, startling him a bit. Until now, it had really been him looking into her. Now, she was looking into him.

"I'm not really who everyone thinks I am."