Chapter 10:
Kate laid her head back on her pillow, trying to get some rest. She had barely gotten any sleep since she had seen her baby girl. She was getting restless, and she wanted so badly to go back and see her baby, but she knew she couldn't. Through the surgery, even Kate had had some problems as she had hemorrhaged. The doctors had come and explained everything to her, and they said that if she did have any more children, it could prove to be difficult again. That scared her most of all. Although she had her little girl, she knew that if she and Jack ever had the chance to be together, they would definitely want more children, no doubt about that. Especially if their little girl didn't pull through this, she didn't know how she could go on from this. She tried not to think about it as she tossed in the uncomfortable bed once more.
She wasn't sure when exactly she had dozed off, but she fell into a deep sleep. She was in the middle of a pleasant dream when something shook her awake. She opened her eyes with a jolt and noticed that no one was there in the room with her. She could have sworn that someone had gently touched her arm to wake her. She suddenly felt a deep pit in her stomach, something was wrong. Something along the lines of mother's intuition. She suddenly felt as if her baby needed her, something was calling her.
Kate immediately pressed her call button so a nurse could come to her. A nurse came rushing in and asked what was wrong.
"Please, get me a wheelchair. I need to see my daughter."
"Ms. Austen, please, nothing is wrong with your daughter. I promise you. Just rest."
"No. I will not rest or sleep until I see her. Take me to her," Kate demanded. She was going to make sure that her baby was okay, no matter what it took.
"Ms. Austen, you're in no condition to…"
"I don't give a damn about my condition. I can't explain it, but I just know that something isn't right, and I just need to get to her. Please, just this once. Please," Kate pleaded as tears stung at the corner of her eyes.
"Okay, but just this once. And we're coming right back here," the nurse said and Kate nodded and waited for her to come back.
The nurse wheeled her to the NICU and Kate found Claire asleep in a chair outside by the window Kate had stood at earlier in the day. Kate gently touched Claire's knee and she woke up.
"Kate, what are you doing here?" Claire asked, alarmed at seeing Kate out of her room.
"I just…I felt like something was wrong. I can't explain it right now. Is the baby okay?" Kate asked and before the nurse could stop her she stood up out of the wheelchair and peered in the window. There she saw her precious baby surrounded by four people. It looked like two doctors and two nurses. She lifted her hand to her mouth to stifle her cry, as Claire stood up behind her. Kate leaned onto Claire for support as she let the tears fall as she watched them work on her baby.
"Can you see what's going on?" Claire asked the nurse and she reluctantly went inside. Claire saw the nurse talking to the workers and walk back outside.
"Ms. Austen, sit back down so I can tell you what's going on," the nurse said. Kate did as she was told and looked at the nurse intently, not believing that something could be seriously wrong. "She caught an infection. Her organs aren't developed enough to full fight it off yet, but they're doing everything that they can, you have to believe that. She's fighting. Her chances are getting better."
"Can I stay with her?" Kate asked as she choked back a sob.
"Just for a little while, but then I want you back in your room. You need to get your rest too," the nurse said and walked away.
Claire sat back down next to Kate and took a deep breath. "Kate, I'm so sorry, I just…I was tired, and I fell asleep. I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault. You're human. She'll be okay, right? She has to be. I don't know what I would do without her. She's my life. I can't live without her, she is what keeps me going from day to day." Kate held her head in her hands, and she felt Claire gently soothing her by rubbing her back.
"She can make it through this. If she's anything like her parents, she'll be just fine," Claire assured her. "Right now, she needs her mommy, and people who love her, and that's what she's got. And if that has anything to do with it, she can make it through this."
Kate sat there throughout most of the night watching her little angel as the doctors finally stepped away from her, and she could once again see the rise and fall of her small chest. One of the doctors came out again and explained the situation to her, and told her that her daughter's chances were slim. Her organs were severely under-developed, and although she was being given antibiotics, her immune system was not strong enough to fight off an infection that strong. They apologized to her, but Kate was not going to have any of it. She believed in her little girl, that she was in fact strong enough, and that she would be able to fight off the infection, it was just a matter of time.
Kate spent the next couple of days in the hospital recovering. She asked not to be released, she felt too weird if she was to be leaving the hospital without her daughter. So they had agreed to keep her there, until she began to improve.
She visited the baby every day. She hadn't yet chosen a name for the baby, she thought about it, but she thought that would be something that she and Jack could share, when she finally got a chance to talk to him again.
Claire walked into the room and pulled out a large tub of Ben & Jerry's out of her purse. Kate smiled at her, gratefully. With Kate in the hospital, she finally realized just how bad the hospital food could get.
"Thanks," Kate said as Claire handed her the ice cream and a spoon. Kate immediately dug in and let out a sigh. "Oh, it's good."
"Good thing you're sharing," Claire said as she pulled out a spoon and took out a scoop. "It is really good," she said smiling and took another bite.
"Did Jack call?" Kate asked after another moment.
"I haven't heard anything. No message. I'm sorry," Claire said. "Maybe he's just not somewhere where he can call."
"I know. He'll call. I know he will. If he feels the same way I feel about her, he'll know that something went wrong."
"Yeah, I'm sure he'll come right away."
"Thank you, Claire. You've been so great this last week, and I can't thank you enough. I haven't even asked you how you are. You and the baby," Kate said.
"We're good. Thanks for asking. I have an appointment tomorrow, so I'm not sure when I'll get here, but I'll be here. Well, you enjoy this, I have to go check on your daughter now, time for my shift. I'll be back later," Claire said as she laid down her spoon and left the room.
Kate took a few more spoonfuls of the ice cream before there was a knock on her door, and she saw someone come in out of the corner of her eye. She just figured it had been one of the doctors, coming to check on her again, so she tried hiding the ice cream.
"No need to hide that, I heard it's good for you," a voice very familiar said to her.
She smiled and looked up, knowing exactly who it was. "I'm so glad you're here," she said as he made his way over to her and sat down on her bed, taking her into his arms. Jack was finally there. She knew he would come. She thought for a moment, that she was sure now that Claire had talked to him earlier and had told him what had happened, and that was why he was there with her now. Tears came to her eyes once more and she held onto him tightly.
"I've missed you so much," she whispered as he kissed the side of her head, holding her face in his hands and looking at her, tears coming to his own eyes.
"You have no idea," he said. "It's been torture."
She just smiled at him and laid her head on his shoulder again, once more, never wanting to leave him embrace. He heard Kate grimace. Her incision was still healing, and she kept aggravating it every time she sat up. He helped her lay back against the pillows, and just held her hand.
"So, I talked to Claire. She told me what happened, and I'm sorry that I couldn't be here for you, and for the baby. That's all going to change, I promise. I'm going to go back to the states, and have a trial. I can fight it, I know I can. And I'll come home to you," Jack said.
"As much as I love that thought, it's not going to happen. You told me yourself that your mother is so powerful, I don't want you to give it up and never see me or our little girl again," Kate said softly, hoping to not hurt Jack's feelings.
"You're right," Jack said. "But I promise, I'll still be there."
"I know you will be," Kate kissed him on the lips and then lingered there, her forehead against his. "You should go and see her."
"You mean you haven't named her yet?"
"I was waiting for you. Go and see her first, and then we can talk about it."
Jack kissed Kate's hand and left her room. He made his way to the NICU and saw Claire standing out side looking in. He came up to her, and she looked over at him and smiled.
"Thanks Claire," Jack said.
"You're welcome."
"Which one is she?" Jack asked, peering through the window next to her. He saw Claire point the baby out to him, and he saw all of the machines, but he didn't focus on that. He focused on her tiny face, her tiny hands and feet, the small heart beat and the hair on her head. "She's beautiful. She's Kate for sure."
"Kate said she looks like you," Claire said laughing to herself.
"She's going to be okay, right? I mean, you said there was an infection, but it'll get better. She'll get better and be able to come home soon?"
"They don't know, Jack. She's fighting, but she's really tiny. They just don't know yet," Claire said gently. "Kate refuses to leave without her. So, I can only hope that she gets stronger. I know with you two here, she knows it. She can feel you guys, and that's all she needs."
"Thanks Claire," Jack said as he studied his daughter one last time before making his way back to Kate's room.
He walked inside and saw Kate smiling at him. "She's beautiful," he said as he sat on the bed next to her.
"I know," Kate said. "Now, Mr. Shephard, since you are finally here, we have some work to do. She needs a name, I can't just keep calling her baby all the time."
"Well, you could. Although she may hate you forever," Jack chuckled and Kate hit him in the arm.
"Okay, so I've been thinking about names for awhile, and I thought maybe we could give her your initials," Kate said.
"Why?" Jack asked, confused.
"Well, I mean, since you might not always be around to watch her grow up, it would be nice. Don't you think so?" Kate asked. Her feelings weren't hurt, she just thought Jack would be a little keener on it.
"I'm not dead, Kate. I'll just be gone for a little while. I'll be back," Jack said and Kate agreed.
"Okay, well what were you thinking?" Kate asked as she looked at Jack. She could tell he had thought about it before, probably since they had found out they were having a girl.
"I don't know, I've thought about it a little. I kinda like the name Ruth."
"What?" Kate asked, wondering if she had heard right. "Ruth?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, no," Kate said quickly. "Ruth is just…too old. She'd hate you," Kate said, pointing that out to him, and he nodded.
"How about this, we each make a list of the names that we like and then if any match that'll be her name," Jack said.
"Okay," Kate said and shook his hand. They spent about a half hour making their lists, and came up with several names. They decided each would read down their list one at a time, to see which ones they liked best. Jack went first.
"Okay, we have…Grace, Olivia, Hannah, Tess, and Audrey," Jack said proudly after reading off his list.
"Hmm…okay, my list…Abby, Ella, Jaden, Mackenzie, and Audrey," Kate said slowly, knowing that Audrey was the one match.
"You really like the name Audrey?" Jack asked, a smile coming across his face.
"I really love it. I think it suits her," Kate said as she smiled back at him.
"I do too," Jack said. "Okay, so her first name is Audrey, what about a middle name?"
"Well, I know you don't like this idea, but what is your middle name?"
"Ryan. Yours?" Jack asked.
"Ann," Kate answered. "Again, another old name," Kate smiled.
"I've always liked the name Riley. If you really wanted an initial," Jack offered.
"Riley! I like that. Audrey Riley Shephard."
"Where did the Shephard come from?" Jack asked, surprised.
"Well, since you helped make her, I just figured you know, that she'd have your last name. That's pretty natural," Kate said sarcastically, laughing.
"I know, but…won't people be suspicious if her last name is Shephard?" Jack asked.
"I wouldn't worry about it, no one knows we know each other whatsoever. And no one will. I mean, if you don't want her last name to be Shephard, it's okay, we can use Austen," Kate offered.
"No, I would love for her last name to be Shephard, but what will you tell everybody?" Jack asked, wondering. He didn't want there to be any suspicion on Kate.
"I'll just tell everybody that was the last name of the sperm donor, and it just seemed appropriate. Besides, she's my daughter, I can name her whatever I want," Kate argued, laughing once more.
"Audrey Riley Shephard, I really like it," Jack said as he kissed Kate. "I don't think I've seen you this happy since I got here."
"It's been so hard without you, Jack, and I know you'll have to leave again, but I'll just hold onto this for awhile. And as long as Audrey is okay, I'll be able to get through anything," Kate said.
"Kate, I know this has been hard on you, and I promise, it will change. And I love you with all of my hard, and I make that promise to you. I will fix things, and I will come back. I promise."
"I know you will," Kate said as she brought a hand up to cup Jack's face.
"Kate, I really love you. And when I can come back for good, will you marry me?"
Kate gasped as Jack pulled out a little black velvet box from his pocket. He opened it and Kate closed her eyes as she began to cry.
"Of course I will," Kate said as she hugged Jack and as they pulled away he pulled the ring out and slipped it onto her finger.
"And I will keep this with me forever. Your promise. I love you," Kate said as she kissed him.
With Jack's promise that one day they would be together and get married and also the hope of Audrey's improvement, that would be what would keep her going from day to day.