J is for Jealousy
He loved his little sister. He really did. She irritated him, sure, and they fought. It didn't mean he didn't love her.
It also didn't mean that he didn't envy her, almost completely.
There was an eight year difference. He was in fourth grade when she was born, beautiful, perfect, Molly. At first, he was ecstatic that they were going to have a baby in the house. He was going to be the best big brother ever.
She was beautiful. Like a little porcelain doll with round cheeks and pale wisps of hair. She was his little baby, and he adored her.
And at first, of course there was the natural sibling jealousy. Come on, Dad, can't you check over my homework? Molly's just playing in her jumper. You promised you would come see the class play, Mom, can't you find somebody else to watch Molly? Look, Mom, look Dad! I got all A's on my report card for the semester. Oh yeah, look at that, Molly's clapping and stuffing a sock in her mouth. Isn't that just cute.
Then he got older, and it never seemed to go away no matter what he did. He'd be the best brother he could, he helped with the new baby in the house, he ignored the fact his parents almost forgot about him whenever Molly was around. It was natural now, and he was used to it.
Eighth grade and he got his first crush. Too bad for him it was a boy. Also too bad for him Molly saw them kissing.
Guess it was just too bad when Molly brought up boys kissing boys at dinner, that his Dad ranted for an hour about disgusting vile creatures that should all be shot. Yeah, thanks Molly.
But Molly was perfect. Molly was normal. She did everything perfectly. Walked, talked, smiled, giggled, chased the boys her age, got the perfect grades, and had everyone gush about how perfect she was. It was always like that with Molly.
Then he came out. Dad hated him, despised who he was and was disgusted. He and Mom divorced. Mom was disappointed in him because of Brian. She was disappointed he wasn't straight and could have a 'normal' life. His family fell apart, and it was his fault.
But Dad still loved Molly completely. Mom still did everything she could for perfect Molly, her only normal child. Molly got her first boyfriend, and he found out how happy his parents were. Yeah, good for you, Molly.
Molly could do no wrong. Even when she was fourteen and ended up getting smashed at a friends' house and called him in the middle of the night, reeking of alcohol when he picked her up and vomiting all night at his and Brian's house. When she never came home and his Mother was just so worried about her girl, even though he had called her the night before to tell her he had Molly.
Even when she was sixteen and when she was sent home from summer camp for being caught having sex with one of the—older—counselors, and a pierced belly button, eyebrow, and nose. He was pretty sure she had her nipple pierced too, but some things, he just didn't want to know.
But Molly was still perfect. She was grounded for a week, and, because she was so worried about her getting an infection since she pierced everything herself, Mom took her to get everything professionally done. Way to stick it to her, Mom.
No matter what she did, Molly was perfect. Straight, beautiful, loved, perfect Molly. Mommy and Daddy will always love you, you're our little girl. No matter what you do, you're our wonderful Molly.
Yeah. Perfect fucking Molly.
In some ways, Vic was jealous of his sister.
He loved her, for the longest time she was his best friend, but even when she was pregnant and alone with Michael, she always had it easy. It was just who she was, who she always had been. She faced the world with her shoulders back; her head help high, and loved who she was. He was jealous of her certainty, of her confidence.
He was jealous of her having someone to love her unconditionally. She had little Michael, her little man. He always wished he had that.
What he was always slightly jealous of, though, was her health. She never had to worry that if she caught a slight cold she could end up in the hospital, close to dying. That she didn't have to worry about going to sleep because she was afraid she wouldn't wake up. That she didn't have to worry about what could be happening inside her own body, about if eventually she wouldn't be there to finish living to see the ones she love live.
It was a slap in the face, and a punch straight to the chest when he thought about it. Because he loved his sister, but sometimes he was just a little bit more jealous than the last time he thought about it.
It hurt sometimes, watching them. Brian and Justin.
They just didn't know how good they had it, how rare it was to find someone who could understand you so completely, flaws and all, and still love and want you like they did.
Emmett wished he had that. He wished he had what Ben and Michael had, though it wasn't anything compared to Brian and Justin. Or even what Teddy and Blake had.
They all had someone who was always there. Who loved them no matter what, and so thoroughly. Emmett could never find that. It hurt, a little bit, whenever he saw them.
It hurt a little bit too, when he realized he would probably never find that. So he watched a little bit jealously.
Brian was slightly jealous of the people around him. But not for the reasons some would think. Michael with his happy childhood, Emmett with his ever lasting confidence, Ted with his security and intelligence, Justin with his Mother who loved him completely, Lindsay and Mel and what they had.
He was jealous of how open they could be. With everything they were and felt. He was jealous of their courage.
He would love to kiss Justin and love him like he should be, and treat him like he should be, and make him smile instead of frown and cry and hurt him. But he was afraid of being left behind, of hurting himself. He was afraid, so he let Gus do all the loving for him.
He wanted to be the father he knows he could be to Gus, to be so involved in his life Gus would never doubt he was a permanent fixture. But he was afraid of getting too close and having Mel and Lindsay do something to take him away, or afraid he would fail his son somehow, and all the 'I told you so' expressions around him, and everyone look at him like they expected it to happen, eventually.
He wanted to tell Mikey how proud he was of him. That he got what he always wanted, and happy that he was happy. He wanted to show him how fucking thankful Brian was for him. But Brian was afraid Mikey would always treat him differently for it, since Brian ruined that image Mikey had of him.
He wanted to do all that and more, and be as open hearted as Justin and as trusting as Mikey and as happy as Emmett or be able to love Justin like Mel and Lindsay loved each other. But he was afraid. And so, he was jealous.
Uhm… Anyone still reading this?
Right. So yeah, I'm not going to pile excuse on top of excuse, because. Well. I read somewhere that an excuse was just a lie all prettied up. So yeah.
But I will say, I cannot wait for the Hols to be over. Seriously.
To anyone who reviewed the last chapter, you rule. And anyone who is reading this still, you're amazing, and why I keep writing.
I'll try to update when I can, but I'm not too sure if it will be anytime before New Years. So no promises.
Thanks, all. And have a Happy Holiday, whatever you celebrate.