A/N: Phew…it's 00.17…and I've just finished writing…Okay, a big thank you is due to Liz, Laura and Steph for being huge helps and giving me guidance, advice and zany conversations…THANKS GUYS!

Secondly, thank you to all reviewers and readers! I love you all!

Hope you enjoy the chapter and I swear to God I'm gonna get to the plot soon!

Sunny
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The next day, Rimmer entered the cockpit in a foul mood. His conversation with Lister the previous day had irritated him to no end, and that combined with that horrendous dream...no, nightmare- had put him in possibly the worst mood since Lister had discovered belching wasn't an official Olympic sport.

The hologram collapsed into a chair and glared angrily at the screen in front of him. Why couldn't he have been more like his brothers in the romance department, they got more action than an Italian nymphomaniac! Why did he have to be a cowardly piece of filth that should just face up to the prospect of spending the rest of his pitiful existence alone?

"Well?" said Cat, looking up from buffing his already immaculate nails.

"I blew it!" wailed Rimmer miserably "like you had to ask, you probably saw it coming, everyone would have seen it coming….Blind Pew would have seen it coming and he doesn't even know me! I'm a complete failure in everything…and that includes women!" he groaned, holding his head in his hands.

Cat gave him a perplexed look "I was asking what you thought of my outfit!" He stood up so Rimmer could get the full effect of his midnight blue latex and silk hybrid long sleeved jacket with tails, skinny tight pants and brogues Dolce and Gabbana would die for.

It was Rimmer's turn to look confused, "I hate my life!" he moaned, banging his head against the console.

Cat allowed the hologram to spend several minutes making a dent in the console before he spoke up. He tried his hardest not to sound too interested, but in actual fact he wanted to know how things had turned out. "So...how'd you screw it up this time?"

"I ran off," replied Rimmer sadly

"Wow. There's something you've never done before!" smirked Cat, "By rights you should have a degree in 'running away in a cowardly manner'...scrap that, you should be a lecturer on the subject...you're that good at it!"

Rimmer either hadn't heard or he was purposefully ignoring Cat "Things were going so well...we were having a conversation…and by conversation I mean she was actually talking to me, not telling me what a loathsome, disgustingly vile cockroach I am...and then" he trailed off "and then I had to ruin it by running away just as we were about to kiss…."

Cat nodded vaguely for a second before he registered what was being said, "YOU DID WHAT?" he yelled, "I don't believe this! Here I am…the most gorgeous creature for millions of miles around and then there's you…you who would be denied access to 'Universes ugliest convention' because you were too ugly…yet you're the one getting all the action…well…nearly getting all the action! I've gotta say, buddy, you've screwed up before in the past but this…. takes it to a whole new level!"

Out of all the things Cat expected Rimmer to do, he didn't expect him to agree. The hologram bit his lip to stop it trembling before croaking, "you're right…I mean why would she want someone like me…I'm so out of her league it's untrue…she's Man United…and I'm the East Brighton Junior Comprehensive substitute team with the only goal of the season being scored by the team mascot- a legless monkey called Watson! I'm a complete smegging failure!"

Cat watched and, for some unimaginable reason, nearly ended up feeling sorry for Rimmer. Fortunately this feeling quickly went away, the bad news was it was replaced by another unwanted emotion – guilt. Cat felt mean, not only was this an unpleasant feeling, it was also a somewhat new emotion, having only experienced it once before after contemplating wearing a polyester shirt.

Needless to say that moment didn't last long. This moment however, seemed to be going on forever causing Cat to sweat nervously. Which only worsened the situation as he began to panic about sweat ruining his bouffant hairstyle. Images of sweat patches appearing on his shirt and people recoiling in horror sprung to mind also. He shuddered in disgust; if he carried on like this he'd be no better than the monkeys!

"Look" said Cat, struggling to find the right words "You might have blown it this time…but hey, we can fix that!"

"How?" asked Rimmer,

Cat grinned; thankfully the guilty feeling was going away "Leave it to me!" he said, strolling out of the cockpit.

Charlie looked up from painting her toenails a luscious shade of red when Cat came bounding in holding a figure hugging velvet black dress, "Here" he said, holding it out for her.

"Cat, thank you but I can't accept it!" Charlie protested

"Look this isn't from me." He lied, gritting his teeth

"It isn't?" she asked in shock.

"No babe, it's from alpha... Rimmer." Cat corrected himself fighting back the urge to throw up at the completely unselfish thing he was doing.

"Rimmer?" Charlie said, trying to keep her voice neutral though Cat could smell the happiness radiating from her and the twinkle that had appeared in her eye at the mention of his name.

"Errrrm yeah, he wants you to wear this and meet him in the cargo bays." Cat explained as Charlie smiled and took the dress.

"Thank you for telling me but…why didn't he come himself?"

"Errrrm he was busy babe." Said Cat, hoping he sounded convincing. He wasn't a good liar; he was too accustomed to telling people what he really thought, not tiptoeing round a subject for fear of offending someone.

"Doing what?"

"You'll see." Cat backed out of the room, a grin plastered on his handsome face.

Charlie shrugged and began to get ready. A few minutes later Lister walked in, he whistled "Ohh! Charlie in a dress…never thought I'd live to see that!"

She blushed but smiled nonetheless,

"So" asked Lister, opening his can of Leopard Lager "where you goin'?"

"If you must know, I'm going on a date."

"I thought Kryten had been chirpier than usual today!" he joked,

"Very funny." said Charlie, rolling her eyes

"I didn't think Cat would be into the whole 'date' thing," mused Lister "He must be really desperate to get you into bed!"

"My dates not with Cat…it's with Rimmer."

Lister snorted, sending two jet streams of lager out of his nose "What!" he managed to choke "Rimmer!"

"Yes" replied Charlie, struggling not to smirk

"Rimmer!"

"Yes"

"RIMMER!"

"God, Dave. Even you aren't this slow. Yes, I am going on a date with Rimmer" Charlie snapped, putting in her earrings "Got a problem with that?" she asked as she spotted his face

Lister opened his mouth, but strangely enough the only word that could come out was "Rimmer!"

"What's wrong with Rimmer" demanded Charlie. Her eyes were narrowed and her lips were thin, Lister knew she was angry but the thought of her and Rimmer together had freaked him out past the point of caring.

"It'd be easier to name what's right with Rimmer" he said, taking a swig of lager to steady his nerves, "Why the smeg are you going on a date with him?"

"Because I happen to like him…and most of the time you go on a date with someone you like!" said Charlie,

"You like him?" repeated Lister, now seriously concerned. "Well…that makes the total number of people onboard this ship who like him…one!"

Charlie didn't find this amusing; she gave Lister a thin smile "You still haven't told me what's so wrong with Rimmer?"

Lister took a deep breath "He's a rude, obnoxious, cowardly, deceitful, self-centered, irritating, interfering, inarticulate, cowardly, petty, maladjusted weasley little smeghead - backbone missing, presumed resigned!" he stopped, not wanting to recite all of Rimmer's bad qualities in one night. It was enough to make anyone suicidal,

"You're wrong…" said Charlie quietly

"What?"

"You're wrong about Rimmer" she said, "The Rimmer I got to know is this kind, sensitive, misunderstood individual who's never had the chance to prove himself…"

"Are we talking about the same guy here?" asked Lister, Charlie shook her head and continued to get ready "Why the smeg are you going on a date with him…he's a complete smeg head! This is a guy who would let his 'friends' die rather than risking his own neck- Are you seriously saying you want to date him!"

Charlie remained quiet for a moment or two "Is that you don't like the thought of me dating Rimmer…or the thought of me dating full stop?"

"What?" asked Lister, frowning

Charlie turned back to face him "Peter Robbins."

"W-what about him?"

"He sat next to me in French in year 9…I liked him, he was a nice lad. Quiet but once you got him talking he was really lovely-"

Lister couldn't see what this had to do with the conversation, but he didn't say anything as Charlie continued "He asked me out on a date…he got so flustered doing it I thought he'd never be able to get the words out…but he did in the end…and I was really flattered...but I made the mistake of telling you about it!"

Lister quickly lowered his gaze to the floor, he knew where this was going and it wasn't going to be pretty.

"Peter cancelled the date…he just phoned me up and said he didn't want to go out with me…d'you know why, Dave?"

He nodded, but said nothing; he doubted if words would make this situation any better.

"You'd beaten him up," said Charlie, trying to keep her voice calm and controlled but failing miserable,

"It wasn't just me," protested Lister, breaking his vow of temporary silence "It was the others as well…. besides Peter wasn't good enough for you, he was a right little tosser!"

"No he wasn't!" Charlie found her self yelling, "Peter was this shy, sensitive, intelligent young boy who was constantly bullied for simply being himself…he wasn't like the rest…it took him months for him to pluck up the courage to ask me out…and when he does, he's beaten up for no apparent reason by a large group of teenage lads!"

"We went easy on him…"

"And that makes it better does it" snapped Charlie "You scared the living daylights out of him, he thought he'd stumbled across the scouse mafia!" she exhaled angrily, running her fingers through her hair "did you ever wonder why I stopped telling you which boys I fancied after that?"

"I assumed there were none" said Lister,

Charlie gave a hollow laugh "Oh no, there were plenty. I just didn't want you to know about them…."

"Why?"

"Why?" repeated Charlie "Because you'd have scared them off…you just couldn't stand the thought of me dating could you, Lister? I had to put up with you dating, and I use that word loosely, brainless floozies!"

"Hey, c'mon" protested Lister "I've changed!"

Charlie nodded "I know, Toni's lovely and it's pretty obvious you're not just in love with her looks…but in your teens you were quite different…it was just bimbo after bimbo. Heaven forbid if I wanted to go out with a member of the opposite sex…no, you wouldn't allow it!" she sighed and turned away. She was shaking slightly, but it had to be said. Lister had to know how she felt.

A short pause occurred then: "I was worried about you…"

Charlie raised her eyes and looked at Lister's reflection in the mirror, he looked incredibly guilty and upset.

"Please…don't take this the wrong way but, well, the way you looked…boys would have thought you were desperate, easy meat…I was terrified some smooth talking smarmy git would come along, take you for a ride and leave you brokenhearted…"

Charlie paused mid-way through applying her mascara, she was in two minds of what to think – was Lister being overprotective or just interfering.

"I'll level with you here, Dave" she said, sitting down on her bunk and motioning for Lister to join her "I've always been a bit of fish out of water when it comes to men!"

Lister's eyebrows shot upwards; he'd heard Rimmer use that phrase hundreds of times (only he'd said women instead of men).

"Most men are looking for a trophy girlfriend: someone who to hang on their arm, giggle occasionally and gaze at them adoringly…I'm not that type of women…yet Rimmer still is interested in me!"

Lister sighed. He was so confused. He'd known Rimmer for years, he knew him better than anyone else. Lister knew what a smeghead he was yet Charlie was making him out to be this poor misunderstood creature.

"Rimmer's such a smeghead though…"

Charlie turned her head slightly to one side and looked at him carefully "Lister, have you ever heard of the self fulfilling prophecy?"

"Are they a techno band?" asked Lister

Charlie smiled slightly "No. It's the theory that if you say something to someone often enough pretty soon they'll start to believe it"

Lister's head was beginning to hurt "you'll have to explain it again…"

"Okay" said Charlie, "erm…if you continuously tell a cat that it's a dog, after some time it will start to believe it's a dog because it's had it drummed into it's subconscious…and that's what's happened with Rimmer"

"Someone told Rimmer he was a dog?"

Charlie groaned, "No, oh look just forget the 'dog and cat thing'…stupid example…what I'm trying to say is, Rimmer has been called a smeghead so many times, he believes it…he might not be a smeghead…but he's living up to the label he's been given…deep down, there's this nice, kind, likeable Rimmer that wants to get out…all we need to do is give it the chance…"

Lister went to open his mouth to reply, but he felt the ship jolt forward. Objects hurled themselves off shelves as the room tumbled sideways. He'd experienced this several times and it meant only one thing…. Starbug was about to crash!