ACT FOUR
Scene A
FADE IN:
EXT. TROPICAL FOREST, PARADISE ISLAND, MURDERWORLD – DAY
Gambit was up in a tree. He was sure to check that it wasn't a coconut tree before he'd climbed it. This one was a banana tree...so he believed. But when he got to the top, he found that the bananas were in fact blue and not yellow as he expected bananas to be. More alarming was the fact that the banana he picked all ready had a sticker on it. The sticker was orange and it said: "FROOT!® Now with more banana flavor!" FROOT!® is a registered trademark of Monsanto.
Gambit peeled the fauxnana. The banana-flavored contents inside were the color of an old bruise. Gambit hesitated, then took a bite out of the FROOT!. It tasted like those weird foam-like orange peanut-shaped candies you could buy in cellophane bags at Cracker Barrel. He gagged a little. Gambit was pretty hungry, but he'd been hungrier. He looked at the FROOT!® again. He wasn't that hungry...not yet. Still, having nearly starved to death on several occasions, Gambit hated not knowing where his next meal was coming from. He'd had a Scarlett O'Hara moment shortly after the whole Antarctica experience where he swore with God as his witness, he'd never go hungry again. Eating a genetically modified FROOT!® from a soulless evil corporation was preferable to starvation, he supposed.
Just then, Gambit smelled something in the air. It was the delightful odor of warm carbohydrates and sugar; the two main food groups of anyone living below the Mason-Dixon line (the third and fourth being Butter and Fried). Gambit had Wolverine-like senses when it came to baked goods. What those senses were telling him now was that there was a fruit-based dessert nearby-pie-like in nature-and the crust was made with-yes...it was: Crisco®. Gambit slid down the tree posthaste.
Below the tree was a sort of path that was little more than a byway for the resident wildlife. After having met one of the island denizens in his descent from the cliff, he was not interested in encountering any more of said wildlife. Gambit cautiously followed the path for awhile, the FROOT!® clutched in his hand. He came upon a cherry pie. Gambit stared at the pie. It was sitting in the middle of the pathway not doing anything but looking delicious. Gambit looked around but saw no signs of life nearby. The pie looked very tempting and Gambit was pretty sure this was some kind of trap.
There was a stick in the undergrowth nearby so Gambit picked it up. Carefully keeping his distance, he waved the stick around the pie. Nothing happened. Gambit nudged the pie with the stick and suddenly he found the stick whipped from his grasp. A snare yanked the stick from his hand and up into the air where it dangled several yards overhead.
"Ha!" Gambit said and pointed at the pie. "Thought you could trick me, enh?"
Gambit tossed the FROOT!® over his shoulder and walked over to the pie. He crouched and picked it up. The pie was still warm. He could almost anticipate the sugar rush he was about to receive. Gambit heard the squawk of some birds and looked upwards. The stick in the tree began to shudder as did the trees themselves. Gambit felt the ground beneath his feet jerk in one direction, then the other. The volcano was complaining again. Gambit stumbled backwards and he felt his foot land in the slippery contents of the FROOT!®. His leg shot out from under him and he fell backwards. The pie flew skyward. In an act of karmic retribution (see X-Men #8), the pie overturned itself and plummeted downwards. Gambit hit the ground on his back, his breath going out of him in a grunt. He had a moment to realize that the pie was out to get him. It smashed into his face and he collapsed back onto the path, limbs akimbo.
From beneath the pie plate, Gambit made a soft quiet sound that might have been a sob. The pie plate was overturned, revealing Gambit's unhappy face covered in Crisco® piecrust and cherry filling. He wiped his eyes and then opened them. Three women in bird masks were standing over him. They had ropes. They had spears. They were wearing fur bikinis.
"We bagged a good one," said one of the women. "Let's get him back to camp. I have a feeling he'll clean up pretty good."
FADE OUT
ACT FOUR
Scene B
FADE IN:
EXT. GRASSY FIELD, PARADISE ISLAND, MURDERWORLD – DAY
Cecelia was trying not to think about how ridiculous she must look. She was trying not to think at all, actually. That was how she had ended up on the back of a giant chicken. To back up a bit, Cecelia had found herself transported via Spiral's worktable to the Paradise Island Set C on Murderworld. She had stood upon an outcropping overlooking a field of swaying grass. In the field below, several fuzzy yellow chickens that outsized her rented Prius had been pecking about. Cecelia had a coil of rope looped over one shoulder. In her other arm, she carried a spear. She was clad in a corset/vest sort of thing that laced up the front and a pair of hot pants that laced up the sides. She was still wearing her white tennis shoes though. It sort of spoiled the overall effect.
After wrangling one of the giant chickens with her coil of rope, she subdued it with several punches head until it submitted to being climbed upon. The bird was actually pretty cute. It looked like a cross between a baby chick and a cereal mascot. Its beak curved up in such a way that it appeared to be permanently smiling. It also had sweet little black button eyes. The bird's legs were enormous and ended in oversized feet. When it chirped it went: Wark Wark! Overall, it was adorable... until it tried to bite Cecelia's arm off.
Now the bird had a rope tied around its cute smiling beak in a sort of makeshift bridle. Cecelia sat on its back and wished she hadn't chosen to go commando. The bird's stride was swift and it moved at a ground-eating pace. When Cecelia had last seen Gambit on the monitors, he'd been in a stream. Cece thought she recognized the cliff he'd climbed in the distance. She steered the bird towards it. Cecelia bounced along on the bird's back, hoping the skimpy lacings on her corset would hold together. Her breasts were jiggling precariously with every stride. Her braided hair slapped her back. Spiral had affixed several beads, shells, and teeth into it before pinning most of it up on top of Cece's head. Her nails were painted bright orange, as was the swath of warpaint Spiral had smeared over one of Cecelia's eyes. Several cameras were trailing after her as the bird ran on.
Once in the shadow of the mountain, Cecelia found herself at a lake. She lead the bird around the circumference of the lake. She looked down in the mud for some sign of where Gambit had gone. She and the bird came upon a stream which fed the lake. Cece nudged the bird forward with her heels and the bird splashed into the stream. They moved up the stream against the current. She stopped the bird for a moment to take her glasses off her face and wipe the droplets of water from the lenses. Spiral had suggested Cece get some new eyes ("Purr-ple!" Spiral had said and dangled a pair of violet colored eyeballs in what she believed to be a tantalizing manner). Cece had an astigmatism and she'd been considering Lasik. But a few days ago Remy had revealed he had a fantasy involving a librarian. Cece was keeping her glasses (and practicing shushing).
Cecelia set her glasses back on the bridge of her nose and took up the reins again. The bird's head bobbed up and down making the little feather forelock on his head bounce. "Wark wark!" he said.
"Aw," Cece couldn't help from saying aloud. The bird turned it's head and gnawed at her tennis shoe until she kicked its beak.
Further upstream Cecelia came upon a coconut grove. Several coconuts were laying on the ground. Cecelia led the chicken from the stream and up onto the bank. There were footprints along the stream bed. Nearby was a indentation in the undergrowth which led to a small footpath. Cecelia urged the bird into the forest. The forest was strangely hushed save for the gentle stirring of the breeze in the leaves. So the sound of a man singing: "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts..." carried quite a distance.
Cecelia found the man hanging upside down from a tree by one ankle. He was swaying gently and slowly turning in the air. Both of his hands were busy holding his loincloth in place. Below him on the ground was a pie.
As the man slowly revolved in the air to face her he stopped singing. "Oh, hi!" he said brightly.
Cecelia stared at him. The man was quite handsome. He had longish blond hair and a boyishly handsome face. "Uhm, hello," Cecelia responded. The man tried to keep her in sight by turning his head as he continued his slow spin.
"Are you one of the Harpies?" he asked, now facing the opposite direction.
"No, I am not," Cecelia answered. She was now looking at the backside of him. He hadn't thought to hold down the back of his loincloth. His dimples were adorable. "Aw," she said compulsively.
"That's too bad," the man said as he slowly came to face her again. "I was hoping they'd show up once I sprung this trap."
Cecelia looked up into his sparkling blue eyes. "Wait...you wanted to get caught?" she asked.
The man revolved like a rotisserie. "I thought it would be the easiest way to get to the Goddess' Temple," he said.
"That big gold temple on the hill? I'm going there too," Cecelia said.
"You are?" the man asked excitedly. "I hadn't thought to catch one of the birds. You're pretty smart! Do you think you could give me a ride?"
Cecelia allowed him to complete another revolution before answering. "Sure. Let me cut you down."
She nudged the bird so he came nearer to where the man hung. With her spear, she began stabbing upward at the rope where it met the tree branch. "Try not to land on your head," she told the man.
"Oh, I won't!" he assured her.
The rope began to fray and Cecelia quickly pulled back on the reins, drawing the bird backwards. When the rope snapped, the man miraculously drew his legs forward like an Olympic diver and landed on his feet.
"Ta da!" he said with his arms raised. He then performed a bow.
Cecelia was impressed. The man was pretty bendy with quick reflexes and a lithe form, much like Gambit. He was also pretty darn cute, also like Gambit. They both seemed to have perpetual grins on their faces. The difference was that this man's smile was all playful innocence and his eyes were light and earnest. Gambit's smile could border on lecherous at the best of times to downright threatening at the worst of times, and his eyes were dark, knowing, and made Cece's libido do the Hokey Pokey. Cece wasn't getting the whole "I'm Sexy And I Know It" vibe from this guy. The blond man was currently hopping around on one foot while trying to untie the snare from his ankle.
"Do you want that pie?" she asked him and pointed. It was still sitting on the ground.
"Nah," he told her and detangled the rope. He let his leg drop. "It's drugged."
"Drugged? Drugged with what?" Cece asked, warily eyeing the pie.
The man grimaced. "Ah...," he began. "Have you seen those commercials with the two bathtubs?"
Cecelia's brow furrowed. "Nevermind. The less I know about this place, the better."
"So about that ride...?"
"Right. I think I'd be more comfortable if you were sitting up front," she said and slipped off the bird's back.
"Are you sure?" he asked. "It's your bird."
"Uhm...yes. I'm sure. I hate driving," she said. She didn't add that she was not wearing underpants and his loincloth was extremely short and that sitting in front of him would certainly be...awkward. She handed over the reins. The bird was looking excited, bobbing its whole body up and down. It started wark-ing merrily.
"What's it doing?" Cece asked.
"Dancing, looks like," the man answered.
The bird crouched down and raised its head to the sky, its smiling mouth wide open. Just then, a gust of wind shook the trees. Cece and the man looked skyward. A dark shadow was falling over the canopy of leaves. The wind picked up. From above came a sound.
"WAURRK! WAURRK!"
"What is that!" Cecelia screamed.
There was a crashing of tree limbs and leaves rained down from above. Cece ducked as debris clattered down on her shields. She looked up to see two giant clawed feet descending upon her. Then the giant underbelly of an enormous creature crashed through the tree canopy. Cece shrieked as a long neck curved down. Two black eyes stared at her for a moment, and then a beak that was definitely NOT smiling opened wide and swallowed Cecelia's world whole.
FADE TO BLACK
ACT FOUR
Scene C*
FADE IN:
INT. SPIRAL'S BATH & BODY WORKS SHOPPE, THE WILDWAYS – NIGHT
Frenzy was strapped into the transport harness, the straps of which met over the center of her chest. Where the straps crossed, there was a chest plate. On the chest plate was a big red button. One moment Frenzy was standing in the X-Men's conference room, the next she was depressing the button and standing in a storage closet. Her sudden appearance in the closet was startling and she stumbled backwards into a shelf. Several items on the shelf rattled and she moved to steady the bottles, candles, and random body parts before they fell to the floor. Frenzy breathed in and out slowly and listened. Hearing nothing imminently dangerous, she looked about the dim interior to get her bearings. There was a curtained door behind her that let in a little of the light from the room beyond. Frenzy turned slowly to face it. On the shelves near the door were several heads. They each had an elaborate hairstyle and obscene amounts of makeup. All the heads' eyes were closed save one.
The head had a strange, lopsided hairstyle dyed in myriad colors. It regarded Frenzy for a long moment focusing its attention on Frenzy's hair.
"So, she got to you, too..." the head commiserated.
"Shut up!" Frenzy hissed.
Frenzy crept to the curtained doorway and peered out. She saw the interior of Spiral's Bath and Body Works Shoppe. It was every bit as horrifying as Marvel Girl had described, only now there was the addition of fragrances, candles, and hand sanitizers. Apparently, Spiral was diversifying her business. Frenzy spied Spiral on the far side of the room sitting in a chair. Spiral's feet were in a footbath and each of her hands was resting with the digits splayed as her nails had just recently been lacquered. Spiral's hair was wrapped in a towel, and she had greenish-blue cream smeared all over her face. Two cucumber slices covered Spiral's eyes. She appeared to be sleeping.
Behind Spiral was a wall full of monitors. Frenzy stepped into the shop. Stealthiness was not Frenzy's strong suit, so even though she tried to walk silently her combat boots fell solidly on the tile floor. The ambient music playing of a new-agey recording underscored by the sounds of trickling water covered up some of Frenzy's gracelessness. Unfortunately, the water sounds made Frenzy realize she had to pee. She was now hiding behind one of the tables that had been raised to a ninety degree angle. The table was stainless steel with straps to hold down Spiral's victims. It was somewhat curved like a cradle. Frenzy supposed this was to help whatever spilled body fluids flow down to the drain at the bottom of the table. At the base of the table were two plates, apparently intended for feet to stand upon. The table was set on a track in the floor and had multiple cables and wires attached to the back of it. Frenzy's eyes followed the cables where they snaked across the floor to a control box set in the wall.
Frenzy went to the control box and opened the metal door. There were two red-handled levers inside. One was labeled "Table A," the other "Table B." A plastic placard over the handles read: "To activate transport, press lever DOWN." Both levers were in the up position. There was also a series of buttons with stickers on them that said: Set A, Set B, Set C, and so on. Frenzy closed the door.
Frenzy turned back to the room and crept to the bank of monitors. She was now standing behind the sleeping Spiral. Frenzy scanned the different monitors. She spotted the one showing Paradise Lust. Her eyes nearly crossed in confusion when she saw that Cecelia was riding on a giant chicken. Frenzy shook her head. Near the monitors was a cabinet. Frenzy opened the doors and peered inside. It was full of electronic equipment such as video playback devices, soundboards, and a mass of tangled cables and wires. There were also stacks and stacks of production tapes. They were in alphabetical order from The A-Minus Team (about a team of high school overachievers who rode around in a tricked out van fighting terrorism and bullies) to Zima®: Warrior Malt Beverage (sponsored by Coors Brewing Company). Somewhere in the middle was a large DigiBeta tape with the sticker on it that said: Paradise Lust: Episode 2 – preproduction dailies.
Holding the top of the stack of tapes against the wall with one hand, Frenzy slowly wiggled the Paradise Lust tape from the stack. When she finally pulled it free, the tapes stacked above it clattered against one another, but luckily didn't fall. Frenzy let out a held breath and then slowly closed the doors. She began walking backwards away from Spiral and towards the closet. There came a chiming sound and Spiral abruptly sat up. A cucumber slice fell off her left eye to land in her cleavage. She peeled the other slice off her right eye. Frenzy dashed behind one of the upright tables.
Spiral sat up and stretched all six arms. She picked up a towel and dried her feet. She hummed to herself as she walked to a nearby dumbwaiter and slid open the door. For a moment she regarded the tray within. "Oh, that figures!" she groused. "They got my order wrong again!" Spiral leaned out into the endless abyss between multiple realities that lay beyond the dumbwaiter door.
"Hey!" she shouted into infinite nothingness. "Where's my Oreo® cheesecake!"
While Spiral's head was out in infinity, Frenzy made a dash for the curtained doorway. She pulled the curtain closed behind her and stepped into the closet. She depressed the red button on her chest. The plastic cover fell off to land on the floor with a clatter.
"Shitshitshitshit," Frenzy said and scrambled after the button.
One of the other heads had woken up and was looking down at her. Lipstick had been smeared well outside the boundary of the head's lips and a lot of glittery blue eyeshadow framed each insane eyeball.
"Baby look pretty now mommy?" the head asked in a crazy voice.
"Shh!" Frenzy hissed at it. "Shut up!"
"Take me with you!" cried the head with the multicolored hair.
"Call the police!" screamed a third head.
"This place is totally whacked," Frenzy said in a panic.
"Kill me now!" announced yet another head. "Death is mercy!"
The curtain was yanked back revealing a confused looking Spiral.
"Mommy make baby pretty!" cried the insane head.
Frenzy straightened and then stood stock still, save for her index finger which helplessly and repeatedly pressed the nub where the red button had been.
Spiral gave Frenzy a once-over. "Wow...and I thought the last one was bad. Honey, you're in desperate need of a total makeover. And what the hell are those?" she pointed a pink-painted fingernail at Frenzy's boots. She looked up and spotted the tape in Frenzy's hand.
"Hey...," Spiral began.
Frenzy felt a little zap of electrical current on the tip of her finger as the wires finally connected and the button-nub depressed. Spiral, the closet, and the half-dozen heads vanished and Frenzy found herself back in the conference room. Frenzy stood motionless in front of the other X-Men, her expression dazed.
"I told you it would work," Beast said to Shadowcat.
"Frenzy...," Marvel Girl began, her eyebrows raised in concern. "You okay?"
"I was nearly caught," Frenzy breathed. "There were bath salts...and...blue eyeshadow. French tips...mud masques. It was madness."
"What did you find out?" Wolverine asked.
Frenzy extended the tape she held to Iceman. He looked at the label and smiled. "Great! Now we don't have to wait 'til tomorrow to find out what happens! Who knows how to hook up the player? I'll go get more snacks, then...it's showtime!"
"But first," Frenzy said and danced a little from foot to foot while tugging at the harness. "Get me outta this thing! I really need to pee!"
FADE OUT
*scene written while slightly intoxicated. Okay. Very intoxicated.
Let's play the Paradise Lust Drinking Game!
Gambit says "Ow" = 1 drink
Gambit gets wet = 2 drinks
Gambit gets tied up = 3 drinks
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