Chapter 9.
"Bring her back." Dean demanded of the angel.
'What?"
"Back to life, now." He said curtly.
"Dean! You know I can't..." The Angel began before being cut off by a thud, as Dean picked a book off the floor and threw it across the room.
"Why not Cas? Everyone else is doing it! No one around here can stay dead for five minutes! It's all the rage!" He shouted.
Anita's ghost had spoken then. Between the time of her death and her arrival at the baby-sitter's house she had morphed into a younger version of herself. A child in a yellow dress.
"Dean. I...I don't think I want that." She said softly.
"Well tough! He snapped. It's your only option. I'll be dammed if I let you check out early after all you've been through!"
"Wh...What do you mean?"
"I Mean you beat the bastards Anita! You beat them and now you're letting them win? After all these years?"
"I...I..." She stammered, at a loss for words, angry. "Why should I keep fighting? Just because I survived I should serve as some kind of example of the strength of the human spirit? This isn't an after school special Dean! It's real life!"
"NO!" He yelled, punching the carpet. "Real life is staying around and and living with it! Not escaping like a coward!"
"Dean." Castiel said firmly. "I won't bring her back. I've done enough meddling here already."
"I guess you have." Dean spat the words. "I just wish your meddling hadn't extend to us that's all." He said pointing at his silent brother, who had picked up the book that Dean had thrown and was flicking through it disinterestedly.
" I just wish..." He shut his eyes. "That we could have had the choice."
"To die you mean?" The angel took a step towards Dean.
"Yeah." Dean swallowed thickly. "Why should she get out early while we have to stay behind for detention? She pay more attention in class? That's it isn't it? The good kids get to go home early?"
"Dean you know that isn't true, you know that you and Sam are different."
Dean snorted at that and pointedly looked away from the Angel.
"Dean your destiny..."
Dean stared out the window and gritted his teeth. "I swear to God cas if you finish that sentence..." Cas didn't finish the sentence.
The ghost of ...Adela Nathan, crouched down in front of Dean.
"I don't blame you." She assured him. "This is ok Dean. I'm ready to go wherever I need to go, and take Freddie with me.''
"That's just it, '' He replied. Where do they go now Cas? Heaven? For suicides? Or downstairs?"
"There are...Other options." Cas said. At that Sam and Dean both snapped to attention.
"There are places, states of being in which a souls can be healed and prepared for heaven. It can be a long and painful process but it isn't hell Dean, nothing like Hell.''
Sam hadn't been paying much attention to the conversation between Cas and his brother because as they began to speak he became aware that they were not alone in the room. Shadowy figures had begun to gather.
Behind Adela's ghost there was now a couple, her parents he guessed. Eyeing the men coldly. The woman held a child in her arms, Freddie, he released.
Adela turned and gasped
''Mama!''
Then the other figures came into focus, Aunts and uncles, grandparents and cousins. Friends and loved ones. Hundreds of them crowded into the small room. She ran to them.
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Six months later.
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Everything hurt.
Each emotion, each feeling was like lemon juice on a wound. The sorrow of seeing a stray dog that morning, that would have given him a couple of seconds pause perviously, had him almost in tears now. When he saw the name 'Ludlow'' on the map only fifty miles away, he had suddenly felt a surge of... Something.
The funny thing about the human psyche is that no matter what damage is inflicted on it, no matter how horrific it is and no matter how terrible the consequences of knowing. It does want to know.
He had to go and see, he knew how angry his brother would be. He'd kick his ass and Sam knew he'd deserve it, but God. He had to know.
He wondered how angry Dean would be when he arrived back at the motel. How hard he'd try and hide it. He never used to do that. Six months before he'd probably punch him in the face for walking out like he did. But now...Carefully carefully around Sammy. No loud noises, no extremism. Just incase.
Sam sat on a bench in a hotel garden. The last time he hat sat there it was summertime. He'd felt the warmth on his skin but he hadn't felt it. He closed his eyes and pictured the garden as his had been that day. He knew he shouldn't be doing this, to leave well enough alone before the pleasant warmth of the sun got much, much hotter.
He was ashamed. He didn't know why. But he felt it constantly burning in his gut, shame. A human emotion, Cas had said... When? When had he said it?
The small town was flashing through his mind. A clock tower, this hotel, an old woman with a tattooed arm. A red haired teenager, shaking with fear. Dean pale and distraught, Dean demanding Castiel resurrect a little girl in a yellow dress. Dean waking from a nightmare with a scream, more terrified than Sam had ever seen him.
Sam hid his face in his hands, shivering in the sunlight.
Why? He wondered. Why did he have to remember the name of the town? The memories came so easily it terrified him. They slipped though the wall so easily...
No! better not to think about that.
''I thought you might come back here.''
He jumped at Dean's voice.
"Dean I..." He knew he should apologise. He looked up regretfully at his brother's worried face. He'd put that look on Dean's face so many times in his life, It wasn't fair.
"How much do you remember Sam? I could tell it was coming back to you when you saw Ludlow on the map and asked me about it.'' He sat down beside Sam. "What? am I going to have to avoid whole states now because you can't stop scratching?"
"Dean... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to I just..."
"You wanna know something Sammy? I'll tell you , you don't have to poke around."
"You will?"
"Sure." Said Dean, sitting beside him. "Shoot."
"Did I..." Sam swallowed. " Was there a little girl with red hair?"
"Yup."
"Dean did I...'' Sam gulped. It was hard to get the words out ...'' Please tell me I didn't hurt her... Did I?"
"No... No Sammy you didn't. You scared the crap out of her, but actually she was a win, we saved her!." Dean smiled .
"And the other one?"
"The other what?"
"The other little girl, the one in the yellow dress?"
"Dean didn't reply for a while, then shook his head. "N...No, we couldn't." He didn't finish his sentence.
Sam frowned. " Adela?" He questioned.
"Sam! " Dean reprimanded. "What did I tell you about digging? Stop trying to remember. I said I'd tell you the story OK?"
''Ok.'' he acquiesced, realising he was lucky Dean was giving him this much.
''We were sent here by Cas..."" Dean began.
By the time Dean had finished the story, the sun had begun to set and there was a real chill in the air.
"So then. Cas apologised again and zapped us back to our motel."
"I..." Sam began, unsure. " Dean I remember you."
"Me?"
Sam shut his eyes and shook his head sadly. I remember you... Devastated. You were falling apart and I just... He shook his head. "Man why did you stay with me?"
"That was the first time I really suspected it wasn't you, not really."
"Dean...It was me." Sam sighed.
"We are not having this conversation again." Dean said flatly. ''Maybe you think it was you, ok I get it , you'll think whatever you want, but you'll dam well listen to me when I say this... I DON'T CARE! All right? I don't care if it was you or partially you , or freaking Santa Clause! OK? ''
Sam looked over at him in shock.
''The only thing I care about is that you're back.'' He continued, resolutely. ''That. '' He pointed his finger in Sam's face. ''That is what keeps me going! That is what stops me from backsliding right into The Pit Sammy! So do me a huge freaking favour and stop risking your life because you feel guilty! ''
Sam couldn't speak, he was too busy staring at Dean's face, so full of repressed emotion that Sam wanted to scream on his behalf. Dean's own words echoed in his mind...What I feel? Inside...I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing!"
"You feel guilty as you like Sammy , you know how you can make it up to me? By staying alive." He sounded out the words as though he were speaking to a five year old.
"OK." Whispered Sam. Too choked up to talk. Stupid emotions, he was sure there must have been some upside to not feeling anything, emotions stop you from functioning, block you path. But God, the nuances and detail you don't see without them. The things you miss.
They sat in silence for a good five minuets, pointedly not looking at one another before Sam spoke, his voice shaking.
"It reminded you of Hell didn't it?"
"What did?" Asked Dean, staring into the hedge.
"The case. What happened to those kids. It reminded you of The Pit."
"Yeah." Dean breathed.
"You thought he was Allistair?"
"Maybe he was?" Dean whispered. "Doesn't matter now." He shrugged, "you took the bastard out. I ever thank you for that?"
Sam looked up into the sunlight and gulped around the lump in hs throat.
"I really don't want to remember Dean."
"I know." Dean acknowledged.
"And I'm scared to death." Sam admitted. "But... It's like, just because I can't remember it, doesn't mean it didn't happen y'know? I feel... Old." He took a deep breath. "And used, and dirty and ugly."
The words came out in a rush. Dean's breath hitched, Sam blinked tears out of his eyes. "And so, so tired." He concluded. "And I don't know why."
Dean rested a hand on Sam's hunched shoulder, making him flinch. He stared at his shoes as Dean's deep voice vibrated down his arm.
"First! You might feel that way Sammy but it's not true. You know why? Cause I saw it. Your soul. Just before Death reinstalled it, and believe me. It was anything but ugly. Even after everything it's been through, Jesus the thing shone."
Sam was surprised, he hadn't thought about it before, he'd never thought to ask Dean what his sold had looked like.
" Secondly." He continued ''You don't need to know why Sammy. Just accept that those feelings are there for a reason and they're not going away. You'll find a way to live with it, I promise."
Sam nodded, afraid to reply, afraid to breathe lest he start sobbing and never stop.
"And I'll help you do it." Dean said decisively clapping Sam on the back "Now c'mon I told Bobby we'd deal with the problem in the national park ASAP, lets get this show on the road!''
End