I am getting good with this weekly update, so if I have time midweek I may add another chapter. Enjoy.
Jack got out the truck and made his way around to open the door for Sam, he wasn't normally a one for chivalry but this was new so he went with it. Sam didn't need a man to open doors or carry her bags but he still offered as she grabbed the hold-all off the floor and shouldered it, stepping aside so Jack could shut the truck door.
"You go ahead, I will grab the groceries. Opening the door behind the driver's door and picking up the three bags of groceries Sam insisted they needed. Jack would have been happy will milk, bacon, cake, and beer but apparently, they weren't substantial, especially if T and Spacemonkey came over. Using his foot to close the truck door he managed to press the key fob and lock the truck before heading up the steps and into his house. As he again used his foot to shut the front door he smiled when he saw Sam's shoes on the floor under the coat rack and her keys on the hall table. Making his way to the kitchen he put the bags on the counter and headed back to the hall to put his keys beside Sam. He didn't bother looking for Sam as he headed back to the kitchen and made a start on putting the groceries away. He left the cake out on the bench but put everything else's away, his trash bag filling with whatever had been growing in his refrigerator.
After filling the coffee maker and setting cups out he decided he really should go and look for Sam. Starting in the den he made his way through the house room by room till the only one left was his bedroom. Stopping at the doorway he heard movement inside but couldn't see as the door was partially closed. Stealing his breath he pushed the door open and his eyes drifted over the mess that was his bedroom. His bed was covered in clothes and bath products and other stuff he didn't even want to consider. Sam was stood at his wardrobe with one door open, a hanger in her mouth and another in her hand. Jack just leaned against the door frame, taking in the sight of Sam putting some of her clothes away in his bedroom. He wasn't sure what was the most amazing, Sam Carter in his bedroom, or Sam Carter putting her clothes away beside his like she lived there.
Sam could feel Jack watching her as she moved his clothes around to make room for her own. She found it a little weird, even if it did look kinda cute, how her blue BDU's hung next to Jack's. She hoped she wouldn't need them but life at the SGC was never dull so better to be prepared. After hanging up what she had in her hand and mouth she turned back to the bed but caught sight of Jack in the doorway.
"You don't mind do you? I don't want a load of creased clothes and well, it seemed like the obvious place to hang them." A sheepish looking on her face as she bit her bottom lip.
"Why would I mind? What's mine is yours or so the cliché goes." Walking into the bedroom and sitting down on the corner of the bed that didn't have hair straighteners or women's products on.
Jack had forgotten that side of sharing his home with a woman, but he supposed it was all part and parcel of it.
"You want me to do anything? Put anything away? Build a new wardrobe, maybe build some shelves?" Picking up the curling tongs and looking at them.
"No thanks, I think I got it covered." Walking over to the bed and looking over what was left to put away.
"Right, I'll leave you to it. Coffees ready when you are." Standing up and watching as Sam gathered up a handful of what looked suspicious like panties and bras.
He made a quick exit, Sam's underwear was not something he wanted to dwell on. Going back in the kitchen he made up two cups of coffee and got out his cake cutting knife. The handle was the shape of a piece of cake and made him smile. Cutting two rather generous sized pieces he put them on plates, got two forks, then balancing the plates on the coffee cups he carried them through to the den. He was just getting comfortable when Sam appeared beside him.
"Good timing, coffee and cake all ready." Breaking off a big chunk of cake and putting it in his mouth.
Sam just smiled as she watched Jack take his first bite of the cake, it was one of the few times Jack was ever quite. Picking up her own she settled back beside Jack and started to eat her cake. Things were quiet for a few minutes till Jack saw Sam had stopped eating. She seemed lost in thought as started off into the distance.
"Hey, what's going on in there?" Nudging her shoulder with his own.
"Sorry, I was miles away. Just remembering a conversation about having a sweet tooth." Taking a bite of the cake to avoid following through with what going on in her head.
Jack didn't push, he continued to eat his cake till the plate was clean. Putting his fork down he sat forwards and placed them on the table. He looked sideways and saw Sam was still lost in her thoughts. Turning sideways so he could face her, he reached out and placed his hand on her knee causing her to start and look at him.
"Sam, what's wrong? You can tell me you know, no matter what it is." Squeezing her leg as he spoke.
"I was just remembering a conversation I had with Martouf. He said Jolinar had a sweet tooth, she liked a certain dessert that was very hard to come by." Looking down at the last piece of cake on her plate.
Jack felt a slight gut punch at that statement. They had never really talked about Jolinar, only when it was necessary and then it was brief. Jack had first-hand experience of being blended, if only briefly. His experience was totally different to Sam's, yet he understood the overwhelming surge in memories and emotions it caused when he thought back to his short time with Kanan. Push aside his still overwhelmingly hatred for symbionts and the Tok'ra he focused again on Sam.
"Sam, you know my experience with that stuff," trying to keep the hatred and disdain out of his voice. "What you went through was the complete opposite. I can't even begin to understand what it felt like, before, during and more so afterward. I know how I felt when it happened to me, yet I also know how it felt sitting on the sidelines and watching you go through it all. When the Asrak came after you and I found you on the cell floor, that nearly did me in. Even when she was gone it was hard to watch you trying to process what happened and sort through both your own and her feelings. I won't lie, when Martouf appeared and you got close to him, yes I was a little jealous. He understood and he could reach a part of you that I never could. As more of your memories surfaced, or should I say her memories, you struggled with them. I could never reach out and be there for you like Martouf could. I had to distance myself and let him take the place I so wanted to fill." Finally running out of words to articulate how he felt and falling silent.
Sam sat and listened as Jack tried to explain how he felt about her experience with Jolinar. There was so much about the whole thing they had never spoken about, so much she hadn't shared with him. There were times when she would have given anything to turn to Jack and tell him how she was feeling and what she going through. When she meet Martouf and the past Jolinar and he had shared became apparent she felt like she betraying herself and Jack. Yet now, after all she had been through and shared she wouldn't change any of it. It was how to tell Jack all of it without dragging out everything she had ever seen, done and felt.
"Jack, I know how you feel about the Tok'ra. I know you dislike them and everything they stand for, yet I know you never held that against my dad. The joining can be a very beautiful and rewarding experience, and in some ways, it was for me. I know it wasn't perfect, and I know it caused many problems along the way. When it first happened my world was turned upside down, literally, everything I thought I knew about myself was called into question. Yet as time passed and I grew close to Martouf, I started to understand more and accept more. Part of me was open and welcoming to the experience, yet there was a part of me that screamed out at the injustice of it all. I never had a choice, never got a say in being blended. I saw the effect my joining had on others and especially you, when my safety was compromised or when Martouf showed up. I wanted to share with you but he understood, helped me see what was happening and in some ways showed me how to deal with it. I know you were pushed aside, and I hated the fact it had to be that way. Now after everything is over with, I know I will always carry part of Jolinar with me, and not just in the marker that I carry. A part of her will always be a part of me, and yes you can call me mad but I am thankful for it. I understand if you want nothing to do with me for that but she is part of me now Jack. I suppose a part of me will always be Jolinar." A small tear escaping from the corner of her right eye as she finished speaking.
She knew she had just shared more about her experience of Jolinar, plus what it had down to her than she ever thought she would. She had known her friendship with Martouf had upset him, more so as not just Martouf and herself grew closer, but also Jack and herself. Every time Martouf was mentioned, and especially when he showed up she felt a wedge growing between Jack and herself. They just seemed to slip back into their groove when something would happen and Martouf would crop up, be it figuratively or in person. Even now she could sense that Jack was not happy when the former Tok'ra was mentioned. Getting up from the couch she walked over to the door that led to the decking and leaned against the cold glass. She stared out into nothingness, her vision unfocused as the lone tear that had fallen before multiplied and more tears slid down her face. She wasn't sure who or what the tears were for. The loss of her innocence to the experience, the loss of Jolinar, or maybe the loss of Martouf, coupled together with the fact that she knew deep down Jack hated the Tok'ra, so in a sense, hated her and what she had become because of it.
Jack saw the tear escape and make its way down Sam's cheek. He was about to reach up and brush it away when Sam stood and moved away to the door. He had a feeling if he didn't ask fast things were going to spiral badly out of control. Standing up he followed Sam to the door and stopped just short of invading her personal space.
"Sam, it's okay. Remember what we said, together." Reaching out and placing a hand on her shoulder.
Sam felt Jack behind her, her body alerting her as always to his presences. She heard him speak and felt his hand on her shoulder. Together, meaning both of them. Turning around she gave him just enough time to catch his bearings before she impacted with his chest and sobbed into his shirt. She had indeed been right, there was worse to come in the goal of sharing how they had reached this point in time.