*********** CHAPTER TEN ***********
ZANE "What?" I repeated, not believing what I just heard. "She's got no pulse. She's dead." Syl said quietly. "NO!" I yelled so loudly that Syl jumped back. "She's not dead!" I gave Jondy a squeeze and turned to face her. "Jondy! Jondy, look at me. Don't die on me. Wake up, please? You're gonna be OK." "Zane!" Syl interrupted, grabbing my arm. "I know how you're feeling right now but -" "No you don't!" I roared, pausing as I tried to blink back tears. "You don't know what it's like to lose your son and your wife at the same time, so just shut up, ok?!" A hurt look crossed over Syl's face, but I was so overcome with grief that I didn't care. I knew she was only trying to help me. She was being calm and rational when I couldn't, but I didn't want her to tell me that Jondy was dead. I didn't want to give up. I couldn't. Much to my relief, Syl was silent for the next few minutes, leaving me to disappear in my own dark pit of loneliness and pain. I went to check Jondy's pulse myself, hoping desperately to find that Syl was wrong and that Jondy was still alive. A voice at the back of my mind told me that Syl was perfectly capable of feeling for Jondy's pulse properly - and that I, on the other hand, was too upset to do it without my hands shaking. With two fingers pressed up against the side of her neck, I felt nothing. Deep down I had known that there would be no pulse, but I still kept my fingers there and willed Jondy's heart to start beating and do what it was supposed to be doing - giving her life. Jondy was too young to die. But then again, Eva had been too young to die as well, and yet she still had been murdered. The same applied to Jack, and Ben, and Tinga, and Zack. And what about Corey? He was the youngest and smallest - not to mention the most innocent - of them all, he was barely three years old. Was he still alive? While I was thinking I had finally given up. Jondy was dead. Shit happens. I had to accept it and get over it. Much easier said than done. "It's not fair," I whispered to a non-responsive Jondy. I slipped my hand around the back of her head and gently lifted her towards me. This was the last time I was ever going to see her, and I didn't want to take it for granted - but I already had so many regrets. Most of all, I was scared that she thought I didn't love her. I had definitely left her with that impression. Flashback "I'm going for a walk." I said suddenly. "Zane-" Jondy objected. "No!" I snapped, raising my voice for the first time. "I just wanna be alone for a bit, ok?" I walked out of Maxie's apartment and shut the door quietly. Jondy didn't follow me. End Flashback Why didn't I just stay with her? If I had known that those words would be the last words that I'd ever say to her, then I would've stayed. I tried to justify why I left by telling myself that I had been upset. About Corey getting kidnapped, about Jondy sleeping with some other guy and not telling me. I'd had enough. But now all I wanted was to turn back the time - and instead of just going for my stupid walk, I would've gone back, thrown my arms around her and told her over and over again that I was sorry for yelling at her. It didn't matter anymore what she did with Ames White three years ago, I didn't care. I just wanted her back. *Well that's too bloody bad, 'coz it's too late now, you dumb prick*, that voice said again. What had stopped me from going back? I asked myself. Pride maybe. And the fact that I wanted her to see how much she hurt me. A small sob pulled me out of my reverie. I looked up at Syl, who was struggling to keep herself under control, but was failing. She caught me watching her, and half covered her face with her blond hair, trying to cover up her tears. "Z-Zane, I'm so s-sorry," Syl sobbed, staring fixedly at the floor. "Ohh, poor Jondy, p-poor..Corey..what a-are you.." She could hardly put a proper sentence together. I realised I wasn't the only one who had suffered a loss. "I'm sorry too Syl." I said quietly. I was so lucky to have her there. I didn't want to do this alone, and I didn't have to. "I'm sorry I yelled at you." Syl sniffed and rubbed her eyes. "It's ok. So...what are you gonna tell Corey?" she asked cautiously. My heart constricted with sadness, and I shrugged. "I don't know. The truth, I guess. He's gonna be wondering where his mommy is if she doesn't come home after six months." That is, if I actually manage to find Corey, I thought miserably. He was all I had left. I didn't want to think about the look on his face when I told him that Jondy was gone forever. How was I supposed to help him cope with the loss when I could barely cope myself? The prospect of life without Jondy seemed scary, depressing, and so very lonely. I loved waking up with her warm, soft body curled up against mine. What was I going to do now that I wouldn't be able to run my fingers through her hair when we lay in bed in the morning, waiting for Corey to come barging in, demanding to be allowed to sleep in between us? I realised that I was going to miss Jondy's annoying habits as well - like the way she used to steal my toast and eat it when I had made it especially for myself. But I had grown so used to it that I developed the habit of making another piece of toast specifically so that Jondy could steal it. Now, since she was gone, I was going to get a rude shock when I ended up with an extra piece of toast every morning. "It wasn't supposed to happen like this," I said aloud. I wasn't really sure who I was talking to - myself, Syl, or Jondy. I ran a shaky hand through Jondy's hair and kissed her forehead tenderly. I pulled her closer to me, trying in vain to share some of my body heat with her, to warm her up. But it was no use. She just lay in my arms lifelessly, growing colder and colder, slipping further and further away from me. "It wasn't supposed to happen like this," I repeated, trying desperately not to break down completely. I would save that for when I was alone, where no one could see me or hear me. "We were supposed to live for a really long time, and....and....and have heaps of kids, remember?" I realised now that I was talking to Jondy. I thought that maybe if I reminded her of all the good things that could happen to us, then maybe she'd wake up mysteriously.
"And Corey would have lots of brothers and sisters to play with. We could've had a big family, like the one we had at Manticore. Only our kids wouldn't have to be scared, coz we'll love them a lot, like we love Corey. They'll be free and they'll have the best life ever. And then they'll graduate from college or whatever, and we'll be really proud....and then they'll get married and we'll have grandkids. Then it'll be just us coz they would've all moved out. But maybe we could get some goldfish, you know? Like those really fat ones with the stubby tails. Bet you'll think that they're cute." It suddenly occurred to me that I was talking like it was actually going to happen. And that I DID want it to happen. With all my heart. But the only question was - how? The only person I wanted to have this with was Jondy, but she was gone. Dead. Murdered. I couldn't imagine being happy with anyone else. Hot anger burned inside me, mingling with all the sadness. "That bitch Tyra. I'll make her pay, Jondy. I promise. She won't get away with it. She can't take all that away from us." My voice trembled slightly with emotion. "I'll kill her, don't worry." But I knew that this was just as much my fault as it was Tyra's. How could I have fallen for Tyra's stupid trick? There I was making out with Tyra while Jondy was here, dying. If only I had gotten here quicker. If I hadn't spent so long trying to figure out why Tyra was pretending to be Jondy, if I hadn't spent so much time yelling at her, then maybe Jondy would be alive. And just maybe I wouldn't hate myself so much. "I'm so sorry," I whispered, my lips brushing against her forehead. I had completely and utterly failed her. All the times I had promised that I'd be there for her, that I'd keep her safe, that I'd never let anyone hurt her, ran through my head. I remembered it so clearly, and I had meant every word I had said - so why couldn't I keep those promises? I might as well have pushed her off the Space Needle myself. I was just as bad as the person who killed her, and I deserved all the pain and misery and loneliness that I was going to get. Suddenly, the most unexpected thing happened. Jondy moved. Or shook, more like. It started with her hands and was barely noticeable at first but the shakes grew stronger and stronger until her whole body was wracked with violent tremors. I sat there while she shook in my arms, eyes wide with shock. "She's having a seizure!" I cried to Syl, the terror evident in my voice. Syl looked just as scared as I felt. "Is this supposed to happen? I mean, she's dead...right?" she said uncertainly. "You said she was dead!" I yelled, tightening my arms around Jondy so that she wouldn't knock me out or hurt herself. At the same time I tried to feel for her pulse, but she was shaking so hard that it was difficult to know for whether it was actually her pulse. Syl leapt up. "Stay here! I'll go get help!" I didn't have time to object. Before I knew it she had blurred off. And all I could do was wait. "It's ok Jon," I whispered, trying to reassure myself as well as Jondy, although I wasn't exactly sure whether she could hear me. She's had plenty of seizures before, I told myself. This is no different. Just do what you normally do. I did the best I could to place her in my lap, tucking her knees up to her chest. Hugging her small, trembling frame to my chest protectively, I murmured soothing words into her hair. "Don't be scared. I'm here, I love you. It's ok. You'll be alright." But what if she wasn't alright? I realised suddenly that she needed tryptophan, or she'd die. But....wasn't she already dead? A small whimper answered my question, and my heart swelled with happiness. She WAS alive! I didn't ask how, or why, I just wanted her to stay with me.
Jondy whimpered again, this time with pain. She was still shaking uncontrollably. My happiness vanished very quickly. When would her seizure stop? I didn't carry any tryptophan with me - when I got taken back to Manticore they had fixed up my seizures, so I didn't exactly need any. "Don't die," I begged softly, clutching on to her for dear life, as if that would keep her in the land of the living. "Hold on. Syl's coming -" "Make it stop," Jondy gasped, cutting me off. Her voice was so quiet that if she hadn't been so close I wouldn't have heard it. "It hurts so much. Please make it stop." I eyes filled with tears. Was I hurting her? "Jondy? Jondy, tell me where it hurts," I said desperately. I cupped her chin and tilted her head up carefully so that I could look into her eyes. "Tell me if I'm hurting you."
She didn't seem to hear me at all, nor did she answer my question. Instead she kept sobbing with pain whilst I held her. Never in my life had I heard her complain about an injury, whether it was a gun shot wound, a broken bone or a paper cut. She always sucked it up like a good soldier - well, either that or it was her stubbornness that kept her from complaining. I didn't want to think about how much pain she must have been in at the moment for her to actually admit that it hurt. I looked down at her helplessly, stroking her back lightly in an attempt to get her to calm down. She was in a semi-conscious state, but it was just enough for her to feel the full impact of her injuries. I'd do anything to take away the pain just for five minutes, but I honestly did not know what to do. "Come on Syl." I muttered. "Hurry up. She's not looking too good." Then Jondy spoke again, for the second time. "Zane...." My heart gave a great leap at the sound of her calling out for me. "Hey baby. It's me." I murmured into her hair. Again she didn't reply. Disoriented, she kept repeating my name, and sometimes Corey's, her voice barely above a terrified whisper. She struggled to push me away from her, but her injuries wouldn't allow her to do that. As she sobbed quietly in desperation, I tried to convince her that I was here for her, that she wasn't alone, that I'd keep her safe. Those promises I would definitely keep. When she finally began to trust me, she stopped struggling. All that was left were the relentless shakes that were her seizure, which, much to my relief, were starting to subside. "Zane?" she whispered, staring up at me as if seeing me for the first time, as if she really couldn't believe I was actually there. She tucked her head under my chin and clung onto me. "Please don't go, I'm scared. Stay with me. Please. I'm scared. Don't go. Stay with me." Jondy was scared. I found myself wanting to do anything to diminish her fears. "Of course," I said softly, holding her close. She didn't even have to ask. "I'm not going anywhere. I'll never leave you again. I promise." We sat there in silence, waiting for the last of her seizure to pass. She wants ME, I thought proudly. She wants me, not Krit, not Maxie, not Syl. Me. It was very arrogant of me, but I couldn't help but feel possessive and protective of Jondy. But I was so happy to have gotten a second chance. The relief washed over me, and the terror and the dull, achy feeling of loss was slowly disappearing. I would not stuff this up. When her seizure finally stopped, Jondy let out a small sigh and leaned heavily onto my chest, clearly exhausted. "Are you alright?" I said anxiously. There was a pause, and then Jondy said quietly, "My head hurts." I suddenly remembered how bad her head injury was. "Don't worry. Syl's gone to get help. We'll take you to hospital. You're gonna be fine." I reassured her. Jondy tensed. "Hospital?" I nodded. "Yeah. I know you hate it, but you have to go. "You're really badly hurt." I paused and bit my lip. "You scared me, Jon. I thought you left me - I thought you were dead. And so did Syl." "Can't get rid of me that easily," Jondy joked weakly. I laughed in spite of my pounding heart. It felt good. Jondy had risen from the dead. If that was possible, then maybe we'd be able to get Corey back, safe and sound. Maybe everything would be alright after all. ************************************************ The next few hours went by as a blur. I still only have a hazy recollection of it. Syl finally arrived back with Max. What seemed like hours had actually only been twenty minutes. They were all amazed to hear that Jondy was alive, but no one was more surprised than me. I was still shocked. We all managed to get Jondy to a hospital by car. I didn't know whose it was - I didn't care. I just prayed that Jondy would be alright, that we'd get there fast enough. I sat with her in the back seat, her head resting on my lap. I couldn't tell whether she was unconscious or just sleeping. She murmured my name occasionally. She was so pale. I can remember Max punching one of the doctors in the face. When I carried Jondy into the hospital doctors and nurses swarmed around us. There was a lot of shouting, and one of them yelled at me, "What did you do to her? You beat her up, didn't you?" That statement stunned me. If my wife hadn't been on the brink of death I would've kicked his ass. But Max took care of that for me. They took Jondy away, but they wouldn't let me go with her. I didn't want to leave Jondy. I was so scared that she'd die again, that she'd leave me and I'd never get to see her again. And I didn't want her to think that I'd abandoned her. I had promised that I would stay with her. Jondy hated hospitals. They scared her - they reminded her too much of Manticore. Max, Syl and me sat down on some seats, waiting restlessly. I didn't know what to do with myself. People were looking at me weirdly. It took me ages to figure out why, then I realised that I had blood all over my hands, my shirt and my face. Jondy's blood. No wonder the doctor thought I had beaten her up. I hadn't even noticed it. I went to the bathroom to wash it off my skin, but I couldn't get it off my clothes. It was so unnerving - I was unwillingly reminded of the time back at Manticore when we tore apart that man, killed him in cold blood, because we thought he was going to hurt the Blue Lady. The blood had taken ages to get off - it stained us forever. I stood there for a while, staring at the sink, listening to the sound of the water from the tap gurgling down the drain. It helped distract me and for a while I was lost in it, my mind blank for once. Eventually I managed to lift my head up to look in the mirror. The reflection that stared back at my made me jump back in fright. Oh, it was me alright. For a few seconds I seriously doubted it, but it was definitely me. I looked terrible. My jaw was covered in dark, sore bruises and there was another one under my eye. I shifted up my blood stained shirt and discovered even more purple bruises on my stomach. Not to mention the one on my shin. I laughed out loud, even though there was nothing really amusing. So much for me beating Jondy up. "She was the one that did the beating, thanks," I said to no one in particular. Syl came in to the bathroom after a while, wondering what I was doing. I hadn't realised that I'd been here for so long. She told me that Jondy was going to be transferred to a doctor named Sam Carr, a friend of Maxie's, who knew about Manticore. Fair enough. I nodded mutely. So now I was here, sitting on Jondy's bed in the hospital. She was going to be alright. She had practically broken half the bones in her body. She'd needed a blood transfusion as well, because of all the blood she'd lost ( half of it was on me ). But she'd live. "I'm going to give her a lot of sedatives. It would kill a normal human, but it's necessary." Dr. Carr had told me earlier. "If I gave her the normal amount her body would get rid of it too quickly for it to take effect. And there's also the shark DNA which doesn't help. But she really needs to have a deep sleep for at least a day, or she won't heal properly. Alright?" So now she'd been out cold for a long time. It was strange to see. Usually she didn't sleep for more than half an hour at a time. I was slightly paranoid - I kept checking to see if she was breathing or not. But she was lying so still. I just couldn't help it. I was relieved, exhausted and amazed at the flood of different emotions a person could feel in just a single day. I wanted to sleep. A nice, long, dreamless sleep. Fat chance of that happening. But I was going to try anyway. And when Jondy got better we would dedicate every waking hour to looking for Corey. I got up slowly and pulled up a chair to Jondy's bed, sitting in it and laying my head next to hers on the pillow. I wanted to bury my head into her chest and disappear into her warmth - that usually helped me sleep - but I thought that if I did that I might hurt her or hinder her recovery. I lay there for so long, just watching her. I couldn't sleep. I lifted my head up and was seriously considering stealing some of those sedatives that the doctor had given Jondy and knocking myself out, when someone walked in.
I looked towards the doorway with a slightly guilty expression on my face, thinking it was the doctor. The hospital's supplies were already running fatally low without people like me to steal from them. But no, it wasn't the doctor. Although I would've preferred it if it had been. I got up, shaking with a searing hot fury that I had never felt before. "Tyra," was all I could manage to get out without losing it completely. Tyra didn't answer me. She was staring at Jondy with acute shock. "That's right, she's alive, you bitch." I hissed at her. She had some nerve to come in here. I thought she'd be halfway to Canada by now. Oh well then, now I'd get the chance to tear her apart for doing what she did to Jondy. Jondy. I gazed at her as she slept peacefully at my side. It wouldn't be a very good idea to start yelling at Tyra in here. "Outside," I snapped at Tyra, striding out of the room, not wanting to wake Jondy. I wasn't really expecting her to follow me - actually, I had no clue what she was going to do. Tyra was so bloody unpredictable that it drove me mad. But she complied, much to my amazement. Usually, if you didn't have bleached spiky blond hair or go by the name of Renfro, it would've been very unlikely that Tyra would be taking orders from you. "What the hell are you doing here?" I snarled as soon as she made it through the doorway. "Come to gloat about all the trouble you've caused? Come to witness our misery?" "No, I -" Tyra stopped and cast her eyes downward. I rolled my eyes. I couldn't comprehend why she would be here, if it were not to make sure that she'd successfully ruined a couple of lives. That was another thing that pissed me off about Tyra - there was nothing certain about her. I could never manage to figure out what her agenda was. I wish she would give it out to me in black and white. My gaze burned into the top of her head. "Well?" I prodded impatiently. "Well what?" she said defensively. "What are you doing here? You better have a damn good reason 'coz if you don't, I swear I'm gonna kill you!" I growled through gritted teeth. A voice in my head was yelling 'She hurt Jondy! She nearly killed the love of your life! Make her pay!" It was so hard to hold myself back - all I wanted to do was wring her neck. But I wanted an explanation. "I'm here because I want to explain." Tyra answered, finally looking at me in the eye. Well that was definitely an informative answer. Not. "Explain WHAT?" I cried, exasperated. Much to my annoyance, Tyra answered a question with another question. "Zane, why do you think I killed...." Tyra paused to correct herself. "....TRIED to kill Jondy?" I was surprised at the sincerity of her question. Her voice was free from the sarcasm and malice that was usually there. But just because Tyra was being half-decent didn't mean I was going to be nice to her. "Well, because you hate me for getting you involved in my problems, you know, with White. I dunno, you just want revenge or something." The question had been a no-brainer, even though I hadn't really given it much thought. I had been too preoccupied with making sure Jondy was okay. Tyra gave me a tiny smile. A real smile. Not that usual smirky, annoying one. I felt slightly uneasy. What the hell was going on? What was she up to? Who was this, and where was the real Tyra? "That's not the reason, Zane." she said quietly. I raised my eyebrows. "Care to elaborate?" As soon as the words left my mouth, a thought suddenly occurred to me - Tyra had done the unforgivable, and here she was, about to explain to me why she tried to murder Jondy. And I was going to listen to her. What the hell was I thinking? "On second thoughts, don't bother." I snapped, furious with myself. I turned and began to walk away from her. There was a shocked silence from behind me, but a moment later Tyra grabbed my arm. "Please Zane, let me explain-" I threw her off me and spun around, glaring daggers at her. "EXPLAIN?!" I exploded. "What is there to explain? You tried to kill Jondy! What right do have to explain when you nearly took away the one person that makes me happy?!" "Because I don't want you to get the wrong idea! I can't leave without telling you the truth - I just don't want you to think that I did it to hurt you!" Tyra cried desperately. "But you DID do it to hurt me! It's the oldest trick in the book - go for the people they love, because that's what hurts them the most!" I shot back. "And that's exactly what you did 'coz you hate me so much and it's was the perfect way to get back at -" "I DO NOT FUCKING HATE YOU! IT'S THE EXACT OPPOSITE - I LOVE YOU!" Tyra clamped her hand over her mouth as soon as the words escaped her, her eyes wide. We were both shocked into silence. Ok, WHAT? HUH? Was I having a nightmare? "Pardon?" I said weakly. Please tell me I just had a moment of insanity. Tyra looked embarrassed and slightly unsure of herself. She didn't reply for so long that I thought she wasn't going to speak at all. But then, finally, she lifted her chin defiantly, looked me straight in the eye, and said, "It's true." The gesture reminded me so much of Jondy that I realised that they were both more alike that I'd originally thought. She possessed the same mental strength and determination that I found in Jondy. I suddenly became aware that Tyra was staring at me, looking for some sort of reaction. How was I supposed to react? What was I supposed to say? This had been totally unexpected. "But - I - why? This doesn't make any sense." I muttered, more to myself than to Tyra. Tyra snorted incredulously as if she couldn't believe it herself. "Tell me about it. I go from thinking that all that matters is staying loyal to Manticore, to ..." She glanced at me, as if to say, 'loving you'. I frowned at her, not entirely convinced that she actually loved me. Maybe she was saying to make up an excuse for trying to kill Jondy. She knew how the '09 escapees, especially me, were particularly susceptible to emotion. I wouldn't have been surprised if she thought that if she explained that her actions were the result of love, I'd let her off the hook. "That's not what I meant. If you love me so much, than why'd you try to kill Jondy? I don't know about what you do in Manticore, but out here, that isn't exactly a gesture of love." "You don't get it, do you?" Tyra sighed. "No, I don't." I snapped. The way she acted as if I was really slow on the uptake, pissed me off. It wasn't as if she made it obvious what she was on about. Tyra paused, thinking very hard about what she was going to say. "I did it because I wanted to belong somewhere, to someone. I wanted to be loved. I wanted a family. I didn't get that at Manticore. And when I saw that Jondy, the very person who got me landed with three years in Psy-Ops, had everything that I had always wanted, I just snapped, ok?" I didn't say anything, so she ploughed on. "Everything changed when I met you. I used to hate you because it seemed that your sole purpose in life was to piss me off. But then I saw the way you looked at Jondy's photo and you seemed to really love her. And when White told us to go kidnap Corey, I saw the way you laughed and joked around with Krit and Syl. I saw how much you loved Corey. It was like, seeing a completely different side to you. And Krit and Syl were really nice to me. Well, I was pretending to be Jondy, but no one had ever been nice to me before. They acted like they cared. Just being around you guys gave me a sense of warmth and safety that I had never felt before. And the way Corey looked at me, like I was the most amazing person in the whole entire world....Zane, it was really nice and I really wanted to have all that, but I knew you'd never love me so...." "You thought you'd kill Jondy and then take her place so that everything that she had would become yours," I said in a flat voice. I got it now, it made sense. She thought that I'd have no idea that Jondy died, and that I would've gone on as normal. "It's not as simple as that." "It wasn't supposed to be like this. I didn't think you'd be able to tell the difference between me and her." Tyra said a bit sadly. That was a first - the first time I'd ever seen her show some real emotion. She seemed more human. In a way, it was good, but it was also bad - it was more difficult to hate someone with feelings. I found myself actually feeling a little sorry for her. Just a little. All she wanted was to feel safe, loved and happy. I knew the feeling. But that didn't justify what she did to Jondy. "There is a huge difference between you and her! Jondy wouldn't have carried out a plan as dumb as that one. And she's not as bloodthirsty and you." There was no real anger behind the words. I wasn't in the mood. I sat down on the nearest chair and put my head in my hands, rubbing my eyes with the heels of my palms so hard that bright, white dots appeared before me. "You should sleep," A familiar voice made me lift my head. Dr. Carr stood in front of me, looking concerned. "I heard some yelling in here, is everything alright?" "Yes, fine," Tyra answered for me. "That's - whoa." Dr. Carr stopped as he looked at Tyra, stunned. "That was certainly a speedy recovery. You only just got here less than two hours ago!" "Uh..." Tyra shrugged, not knowing what he was on about. I was confused as well. Then it occurred to me that Tyra was a splitting image of Jondy. I stood up. "This is Tyra. She's Jondy's clone, from Manticore." Tyra gaped at me. "He knows everything." I explained to her. "Right! You gave me quite a shock. I know you X5s are fast healers, but I didn't think it was THAT fast...." Dr. Carr's voice faded a little. I wasn't really listening to him. I recalled the day's events. I found out that Jondy had a one night stand with a man from a breeding cult. I met and made friends with a half man half dog, whose father just happened to be Sandeman. Jondy was murdered, and mysteriously came back to life again. Tyra poured her soul out to me, and until now, I hadn't even known that she had one. Yep. Weird day. ************************************************************************ A/N: If any of you guys like the TV show Alias, I have a hyperboard - alias.hyperboards.com. There's Alias discussion and fanfiction, also Dark Angel, Charmed and Gilmore Girls fanfiction. So if you want to post fanfiction there, or simply join in the discussion, be my guest! It's not much now because I just started, but I need people to get it going, I would also love for people to post their fanfic there!
ZANE "What?" I repeated, not believing what I just heard. "She's got no pulse. She's dead." Syl said quietly. "NO!" I yelled so loudly that Syl jumped back. "She's not dead!" I gave Jondy a squeeze and turned to face her. "Jondy! Jondy, look at me. Don't die on me. Wake up, please? You're gonna be OK." "Zane!" Syl interrupted, grabbing my arm. "I know how you're feeling right now but -" "No you don't!" I roared, pausing as I tried to blink back tears. "You don't know what it's like to lose your son and your wife at the same time, so just shut up, ok?!" A hurt look crossed over Syl's face, but I was so overcome with grief that I didn't care. I knew she was only trying to help me. She was being calm and rational when I couldn't, but I didn't want her to tell me that Jondy was dead. I didn't want to give up. I couldn't. Much to my relief, Syl was silent for the next few minutes, leaving me to disappear in my own dark pit of loneliness and pain. I went to check Jondy's pulse myself, hoping desperately to find that Syl was wrong and that Jondy was still alive. A voice at the back of my mind told me that Syl was perfectly capable of feeling for Jondy's pulse properly - and that I, on the other hand, was too upset to do it without my hands shaking. With two fingers pressed up against the side of her neck, I felt nothing. Deep down I had known that there would be no pulse, but I still kept my fingers there and willed Jondy's heart to start beating and do what it was supposed to be doing - giving her life. Jondy was too young to die. But then again, Eva had been too young to die as well, and yet she still had been murdered. The same applied to Jack, and Ben, and Tinga, and Zack. And what about Corey? He was the youngest and smallest - not to mention the most innocent - of them all, he was barely three years old. Was he still alive? While I was thinking I had finally given up. Jondy was dead. Shit happens. I had to accept it and get over it. Much easier said than done. "It's not fair," I whispered to a non-responsive Jondy. I slipped my hand around the back of her head and gently lifted her towards me. This was the last time I was ever going to see her, and I didn't want to take it for granted - but I already had so many regrets. Most of all, I was scared that she thought I didn't love her. I had definitely left her with that impression. Flashback "I'm going for a walk." I said suddenly. "Zane-" Jondy objected. "No!" I snapped, raising my voice for the first time. "I just wanna be alone for a bit, ok?" I walked out of Maxie's apartment and shut the door quietly. Jondy didn't follow me. End Flashback Why didn't I just stay with her? If I had known that those words would be the last words that I'd ever say to her, then I would've stayed. I tried to justify why I left by telling myself that I had been upset. About Corey getting kidnapped, about Jondy sleeping with some other guy and not telling me. I'd had enough. But now all I wanted was to turn back the time - and instead of just going for my stupid walk, I would've gone back, thrown my arms around her and told her over and over again that I was sorry for yelling at her. It didn't matter anymore what she did with Ames White three years ago, I didn't care. I just wanted her back. *Well that's too bloody bad, 'coz it's too late now, you dumb prick*, that voice said again. What had stopped me from going back? I asked myself. Pride maybe. And the fact that I wanted her to see how much she hurt me. A small sob pulled me out of my reverie. I looked up at Syl, who was struggling to keep herself under control, but was failing. She caught me watching her, and half covered her face with her blond hair, trying to cover up her tears. "Z-Zane, I'm so s-sorry," Syl sobbed, staring fixedly at the floor. "Ohh, poor Jondy, p-poor..Corey..what a-are you.." She could hardly put a proper sentence together. I realised I wasn't the only one who had suffered a loss. "I'm sorry too Syl." I said quietly. I was so lucky to have her there. I didn't want to do this alone, and I didn't have to. "I'm sorry I yelled at you." Syl sniffed and rubbed her eyes. "It's ok. So...what are you gonna tell Corey?" she asked cautiously. My heart constricted with sadness, and I shrugged. "I don't know. The truth, I guess. He's gonna be wondering where his mommy is if she doesn't come home after six months." That is, if I actually manage to find Corey, I thought miserably. He was all I had left. I didn't want to think about the look on his face when I told him that Jondy was gone forever. How was I supposed to help him cope with the loss when I could barely cope myself? The prospect of life without Jondy seemed scary, depressing, and so very lonely. I loved waking up with her warm, soft body curled up against mine. What was I going to do now that I wouldn't be able to run my fingers through her hair when we lay in bed in the morning, waiting for Corey to come barging in, demanding to be allowed to sleep in between us? I realised that I was going to miss Jondy's annoying habits as well - like the way she used to steal my toast and eat it when I had made it especially for myself. But I had grown so used to it that I developed the habit of making another piece of toast specifically so that Jondy could steal it. Now, since she was gone, I was going to get a rude shock when I ended up with an extra piece of toast every morning. "It wasn't supposed to happen like this," I said aloud. I wasn't really sure who I was talking to - myself, Syl, or Jondy. I ran a shaky hand through Jondy's hair and kissed her forehead tenderly. I pulled her closer to me, trying in vain to share some of my body heat with her, to warm her up. But it was no use. She just lay in my arms lifelessly, growing colder and colder, slipping further and further away from me. "It wasn't supposed to happen like this," I repeated, trying desperately not to break down completely. I would save that for when I was alone, where no one could see me or hear me. "We were supposed to live for a really long time, and....and....and have heaps of kids, remember?" I realised now that I was talking to Jondy. I thought that maybe if I reminded her of all the good things that could happen to us, then maybe she'd wake up mysteriously.
"And Corey would have lots of brothers and sisters to play with. We could've had a big family, like the one we had at Manticore. Only our kids wouldn't have to be scared, coz we'll love them a lot, like we love Corey. They'll be free and they'll have the best life ever. And then they'll graduate from college or whatever, and we'll be really proud....and then they'll get married and we'll have grandkids. Then it'll be just us coz they would've all moved out. But maybe we could get some goldfish, you know? Like those really fat ones with the stubby tails. Bet you'll think that they're cute." It suddenly occurred to me that I was talking like it was actually going to happen. And that I DID want it to happen. With all my heart. But the only question was - how? The only person I wanted to have this with was Jondy, but she was gone. Dead. Murdered. I couldn't imagine being happy with anyone else. Hot anger burned inside me, mingling with all the sadness. "That bitch Tyra. I'll make her pay, Jondy. I promise. She won't get away with it. She can't take all that away from us." My voice trembled slightly with emotion. "I'll kill her, don't worry." But I knew that this was just as much my fault as it was Tyra's. How could I have fallen for Tyra's stupid trick? There I was making out with Tyra while Jondy was here, dying. If only I had gotten here quicker. If I hadn't spent so long trying to figure out why Tyra was pretending to be Jondy, if I hadn't spent so much time yelling at her, then maybe Jondy would be alive. And just maybe I wouldn't hate myself so much. "I'm so sorry," I whispered, my lips brushing against her forehead. I had completely and utterly failed her. All the times I had promised that I'd be there for her, that I'd keep her safe, that I'd never let anyone hurt her, ran through my head. I remembered it so clearly, and I had meant every word I had said - so why couldn't I keep those promises? I might as well have pushed her off the Space Needle myself. I was just as bad as the person who killed her, and I deserved all the pain and misery and loneliness that I was going to get. Suddenly, the most unexpected thing happened. Jondy moved. Or shook, more like. It started with her hands and was barely noticeable at first but the shakes grew stronger and stronger until her whole body was wracked with violent tremors. I sat there while she shook in my arms, eyes wide with shock. "She's having a seizure!" I cried to Syl, the terror evident in my voice. Syl looked just as scared as I felt. "Is this supposed to happen? I mean, she's dead...right?" she said uncertainly. "You said she was dead!" I yelled, tightening my arms around Jondy so that she wouldn't knock me out or hurt herself. At the same time I tried to feel for her pulse, but she was shaking so hard that it was difficult to know for whether it was actually her pulse. Syl leapt up. "Stay here! I'll go get help!" I didn't have time to object. Before I knew it she had blurred off. And all I could do was wait. "It's ok Jon," I whispered, trying to reassure myself as well as Jondy, although I wasn't exactly sure whether she could hear me. She's had plenty of seizures before, I told myself. This is no different. Just do what you normally do. I did the best I could to place her in my lap, tucking her knees up to her chest. Hugging her small, trembling frame to my chest protectively, I murmured soothing words into her hair. "Don't be scared. I'm here, I love you. It's ok. You'll be alright." But what if she wasn't alright? I realised suddenly that she needed tryptophan, or she'd die. But....wasn't she already dead? A small whimper answered my question, and my heart swelled with happiness. She WAS alive! I didn't ask how, or why, I just wanted her to stay with me.
Jondy whimpered again, this time with pain. She was still shaking uncontrollably. My happiness vanished very quickly. When would her seizure stop? I didn't carry any tryptophan with me - when I got taken back to Manticore they had fixed up my seizures, so I didn't exactly need any. "Don't die," I begged softly, clutching on to her for dear life, as if that would keep her in the land of the living. "Hold on. Syl's coming -" "Make it stop," Jondy gasped, cutting me off. Her voice was so quiet that if she hadn't been so close I wouldn't have heard it. "It hurts so much. Please make it stop." I eyes filled with tears. Was I hurting her? "Jondy? Jondy, tell me where it hurts," I said desperately. I cupped her chin and tilted her head up carefully so that I could look into her eyes. "Tell me if I'm hurting you."
She didn't seem to hear me at all, nor did she answer my question. Instead she kept sobbing with pain whilst I held her. Never in my life had I heard her complain about an injury, whether it was a gun shot wound, a broken bone or a paper cut. She always sucked it up like a good soldier - well, either that or it was her stubbornness that kept her from complaining. I didn't want to think about how much pain she must have been in at the moment for her to actually admit that it hurt. I looked down at her helplessly, stroking her back lightly in an attempt to get her to calm down. She was in a semi-conscious state, but it was just enough for her to feel the full impact of her injuries. I'd do anything to take away the pain just for five minutes, but I honestly did not know what to do. "Come on Syl." I muttered. "Hurry up. She's not looking too good." Then Jondy spoke again, for the second time. "Zane...." My heart gave a great leap at the sound of her calling out for me. "Hey baby. It's me." I murmured into her hair. Again she didn't reply. Disoriented, she kept repeating my name, and sometimes Corey's, her voice barely above a terrified whisper. She struggled to push me away from her, but her injuries wouldn't allow her to do that. As she sobbed quietly in desperation, I tried to convince her that I was here for her, that she wasn't alone, that I'd keep her safe. Those promises I would definitely keep. When she finally began to trust me, she stopped struggling. All that was left were the relentless shakes that were her seizure, which, much to my relief, were starting to subside. "Zane?" she whispered, staring up at me as if seeing me for the first time, as if she really couldn't believe I was actually there. She tucked her head under my chin and clung onto me. "Please don't go, I'm scared. Stay with me. Please. I'm scared. Don't go. Stay with me." Jondy was scared. I found myself wanting to do anything to diminish her fears. "Of course," I said softly, holding her close. She didn't even have to ask. "I'm not going anywhere. I'll never leave you again. I promise." We sat there in silence, waiting for the last of her seizure to pass. She wants ME, I thought proudly. She wants me, not Krit, not Maxie, not Syl. Me. It was very arrogant of me, but I couldn't help but feel possessive and protective of Jondy. But I was so happy to have gotten a second chance. The relief washed over me, and the terror and the dull, achy feeling of loss was slowly disappearing. I would not stuff this up. When her seizure finally stopped, Jondy let out a small sigh and leaned heavily onto my chest, clearly exhausted. "Are you alright?" I said anxiously. There was a pause, and then Jondy said quietly, "My head hurts." I suddenly remembered how bad her head injury was. "Don't worry. Syl's gone to get help. We'll take you to hospital. You're gonna be fine." I reassured her. Jondy tensed. "Hospital?" I nodded. "Yeah. I know you hate it, but you have to go. "You're really badly hurt." I paused and bit my lip. "You scared me, Jon. I thought you left me - I thought you were dead. And so did Syl." "Can't get rid of me that easily," Jondy joked weakly. I laughed in spite of my pounding heart. It felt good. Jondy had risen from the dead. If that was possible, then maybe we'd be able to get Corey back, safe and sound. Maybe everything would be alright after all. ************************************************ The next few hours went by as a blur. I still only have a hazy recollection of it. Syl finally arrived back with Max. What seemed like hours had actually only been twenty minutes. They were all amazed to hear that Jondy was alive, but no one was more surprised than me. I was still shocked. We all managed to get Jondy to a hospital by car. I didn't know whose it was - I didn't care. I just prayed that Jondy would be alright, that we'd get there fast enough. I sat with her in the back seat, her head resting on my lap. I couldn't tell whether she was unconscious or just sleeping. She murmured my name occasionally. She was so pale. I can remember Max punching one of the doctors in the face. When I carried Jondy into the hospital doctors and nurses swarmed around us. There was a lot of shouting, and one of them yelled at me, "What did you do to her? You beat her up, didn't you?" That statement stunned me. If my wife hadn't been on the brink of death I would've kicked his ass. But Max took care of that for me. They took Jondy away, but they wouldn't let me go with her. I didn't want to leave Jondy. I was so scared that she'd die again, that she'd leave me and I'd never get to see her again. And I didn't want her to think that I'd abandoned her. I had promised that I would stay with her. Jondy hated hospitals. They scared her - they reminded her too much of Manticore. Max, Syl and me sat down on some seats, waiting restlessly. I didn't know what to do with myself. People were looking at me weirdly. It took me ages to figure out why, then I realised that I had blood all over my hands, my shirt and my face. Jondy's blood. No wonder the doctor thought I had beaten her up. I hadn't even noticed it. I went to the bathroom to wash it off my skin, but I couldn't get it off my clothes. It was so unnerving - I was unwillingly reminded of the time back at Manticore when we tore apart that man, killed him in cold blood, because we thought he was going to hurt the Blue Lady. The blood had taken ages to get off - it stained us forever. I stood there for a while, staring at the sink, listening to the sound of the water from the tap gurgling down the drain. It helped distract me and for a while I was lost in it, my mind blank for once. Eventually I managed to lift my head up to look in the mirror. The reflection that stared back at my made me jump back in fright. Oh, it was me alright. For a few seconds I seriously doubted it, but it was definitely me. I looked terrible. My jaw was covered in dark, sore bruises and there was another one under my eye. I shifted up my blood stained shirt and discovered even more purple bruises on my stomach. Not to mention the one on my shin. I laughed out loud, even though there was nothing really amusing. So much for me beating Jondy up. "She was the one that did the beating, thanks," I said to no one in particular. Syl came in to the bathroom after a while, wondering what I was doing. I hadn't realised that I'd been here for so long. She told me that Jondy was going to be transferred to a doctor named Sam Carr, a friend of Maxie's, who knew about Manticore. Fair enough. I nodded mutely. So now I was here, sitting on Jondy's bed in the hospital. She was going to be alright. She had practically broken half the bones in her body. She'd needed a blood transfusion as well, because of all the blood she'd lost ( half of it was on me ). But she'd live. "I'm going to give her a lot of sedatives. It would kill a normal human, but it's necessary." Dr. Carr had told me earlier. "If I gave her the normal amount her body would get rid of it too quickly for it to take effect. And there's also the shark DNA which doesn't help. But she really needs to have a deep sleep for at least a day, or she won't heal properly. Alright?" So now she'd been out cold for a long time. It was strange to see. Usually she didn't sleep for more than half an hour at a time. I was slightly paranoid - I kept checking to see if she was breathing or not. But she was lying so still. I just couldn't help it. I was relieved, exhausted and amazed at the flood of different emotions a person could feel in just a single day. I wanted to sleep. A nice, long, dreamless sleep. Fat chance of that happening. But I was going to try anyway. And when Jondy got better we would dedicate every waking hour to looking for Corey. I got up slowly and pulled up a chair to Jondy's bed, sitting in it and laying my head next to hers on the pillow. I wanted to bury my head into her chest and disappear into her warmth - that usually helped me sleep - but I thought that if I did that I might hurt her or hinder her recovery. I lay there for so long, just watching her. I couldn't sleep. I lifted my head up and was seriously considering stealing some of those sedatives that the doctor had given Jondy and knocking myself out, when someone walked in.
I looked towards the doorway with a slightly guilty expression on my face, thinking it was the doctor. The hospital's supplies were already running fatally low without people like me to steal from them. But no, it wasn't the doctor. Although I would've preferred it if it had been. I got up, shaking with a searing hot fury that I had never felt before. "Tyra," was all I could manage to get out without losing it completely. Tyra didn't answer me. She was staring at Jondy with acute shock. "That's right, she's alive, you bitch." I hissed at her. She had some nerve to come in here. I thought she'd be halfway to Canada by now. Oh well then, now I'd get the chance to tear her apart for doing what she did to Jondy. Jondy. I gazed at her as she slept peacefully at my side. It wouldn't be a very good idea to start yelling at Tyra in here. "Outside," I snapped at Tyra, striding out of the room, not wanting to wake Jondy. I wasn't really expecting her to follow me - actually, I had no clue what she was going to do. Tyra was so bloody unpredictable that it drove me mad. But she complied, much to my amazement. Usually, if you didn't have bleached spiky blond hair or go by the name of Renfro, it would've been very unlikely that Tyra would be taking orders from you. "What the hell are you doing here?" I snarled as soon as she made it through the doorway. "Come to gloat about all the trouble you've caused? Come to witness our misery?" "No, I -" Tyra stopped and cast her eyes downward. I rolled my eyes. I couldn't comprehend why she would be here, if it were not to make sure that she'd successfully ruined a couple of lives. That was another thing that pissed me off about Tyra - there was nothing certain about her. I could never manage to figure out what her agenda was. I wish she would give it out to me in black and white. My gaze burned into the top of her head. "Well?" I prodded impatiently. "Well what?" she said defensively. "What are you doing here? You better have a damn good reason 'coz if you don't, I swear I'm gonna kill you!" I growled through gritted teeth. A voice in my head was yelling 'She hurt Jondy! She nearly killed the love of your life! Make her pay!" It was so hard to hold myself back - all I wanted to do was wring her neck. But I wanted an explanation. "I'm here because I want to explain." Tyra answered, finally looking at me in the eye. Well that was definitely an informative answer. Not. "Explain WHAT?" I cried, exasperated. Much to my annoyance, Tyra answered a question with another question. "Zane, why do you think I killed...." Tyra paused to correct herself. "....TRIED to kill Jondy?" I was surprised at the sincerity of her question. Her voice was free from the sarcasm and malice that was usually there. But just because Tyra was being half-decent didn't mean I was going to be nice to her. "Well, because you hate me for getting you involved in my problems, you know, with White. I dunno, you just want revenge or something." The question had been a no-brainer, even though I hadn't really given it much thought. I had been too preoccupied with making sure Jondy was okay. Tyra gave me a tiny smile. A real smile. Not that usual smirky, annoying one. I felt slightly uneasy. What the hell was going on? What was she up to? Who was this, and where was the real Tyra? "That's not the reason, Zane." she said quietly. I raised my eyebrows. "Care to elaborate?" As soon as the words left my mouth, a thought suddenly occurred to me - Tyra had done the unforgivable, and here she was, about to explain to me why she tried to murder Jondy. And I was going to listen to her. What the hell was I thinking? "On second thoughts, don't bother." I snapped, furious with myself. I turned and began to walk away from her. There was a shocked silence from behind me, but a moment later Tyra grabbed my arm. "Please Zane, let me explain-" I threw her off me and spun around, glaring daggers at her. "EXPLAIN?!" I exploded. "What is there to explain? You tried to kill Jondy! What right do have to explain when you nearly took away the one person that makes me happy?!" "Because I don't want you to get the wrong idea! I can't leave without telling you the truth - I just don't want you to think that I did it to hurt you!" Tyra cried desperately. "But you DID do it to hurt me! It's the oldest trick in the book - go for the people they love, because that's what hurts them the most!" I shot back. "And that's exactly what you did 'coz you hate me so much and it's was the perfect way to get back at -" "I DO NOT FUCKING HATE YOU! IT'S THE EXACT OPPOSITE - I LOVE YOU!" Tyra clamped her hand over her mouth as soon as the words escaped her, her eyes wide. We were both shocked into silence. Ok, WHAT? HUH? Was I having a nightmare? "Pardon?" I said weakly. Please tell me I just had a moment of insanity. Tyra looked embarrassed and slightly unsure of herself. She didn't reply for so long that I thought she wasn't going to speak at all. But then, finally, she lifted her chin defiantly, looked me straight in the eye, and said, "It's true." The gesture reminded me so much of Jondy that I realised that they were both more alike that I'd originally thought. She possessed the same mental strength and determination that I found in Jondy. I suddenly became aware that Tyra was staring at me, looking for some sort of reaction. How was I supposed to react? What was I supposed to say? This had been totally unexpected. "But - I - why? This doesn't make any sense." I muttered, more to myself than to Tyra. Tyra snorted incredulously as if she couldn't believe it herself. "Tell me about it. I go from thinking that all that matters is staying loyal to Manticore, to ..." She glanced at me, as if to say, 'loving you'. I frowned at her, not entirely convinced that she actually loved me. Maybe she was saying to make up an excuse for trying to kill Jondy. She knew how the '09 escapees, especially me, were particularly susceptible to emotion. I wouldn't have been surprised if she thought that if she explained that her actions were the result of love, I'd let her off the hook. "That's not what I meant. If you love me so much, than why'd you try to kill Jondy? I don't know about what you do in Manticore, but out here, that isn't exactly a gesture of love." "You don't get it, do you?" Tyra sighed. "No, I don't." I snapped. The way she acted as if I was really slow on the uptake, pissed me off. It wasn't as if she made it obvious what she was on about. Tyra paused, thinking very hard about what she was going to say. "I did it because I wanted to belong somewhere, to someone. I wanted to be loved. I wanted a family. I didn't get that at Manticore. And when I saw that Jondy, the very person who got me landed with three years in Psy-Ops, had everything that I had always wanted, I just snapped, ok?" I didn't say anything, so she ploughed on. "Everything changed when I met you. I used to hate you because it seemed that your sole purpose in life was to piss me off. But then I saw the way you looked at Jondy's photo and you seemed to really love her. And when White told us to go kidnap Corey, I saw the way you laughed and joked around with Krit and Syl. I saw how much you loved Corey. It was like, seeing a completely different side to you. And Krit and Syl were really nice to me. Well, I was pretending to be Jondy, but no one had ever been nice to me before. They acted like they cared. Just being around you guys gave me a sense of warmth and safety that I had never felt before. And the way Corey looked at me, like I was the most amazing person in the whole entire world....Zane, it was really nice and I really wanted to have all that, but I knew you'd never love me so...." "You thought you'd kill Jondy and then take her place so that everything that she had would become yours," I said in a flat voice. I got it now, it made sense. She thought that I'd have no idea that Jondy died, and that I would've gone on as normal. "It's not as simple as that." "It wasn't supposed to be like this. I didn't think you'd be able to tell the difference between me and her." Tyra said a bit sadly. That was a first - the first time I'd ever seen her show some real emotion. She seemed more human. In a way, it was good, but it was also bad - it was more difficult to hate someone with feelings. I found myself actually feeling a little sorry for her. Just a little. All she wanted was to feel safe, loved and happy. I knew the feeling. But that didn't justify what she did to Jondy. "There is a huge difference between you and her! Jondy wouldn't have carried out a plan as dumb as that one. And she's not as bloodthirsty and you." There was no real anger behind the words. I wasn't in the mood. I sat down on the nearest chair and put my head in my hands, rubbing my eyes with the heels of my palms so hard that bright, white dots appeared before me. "You should sleep," A familiar voice made me lift my head. Dr. Carr stood in front of me, looking concerned. "I heard some yelling in here, is everything alright?" "Yes, fine," Tyra answered for me. "That's - whoa." Dr. Carr stopped as he looked at Tyra, stunned. "That was certainly a speedy recovery. You only just got here less than two hours ago!" "Uh..." Tyra shrugged, not knowing what he was on about. I was confused as well. Then it occurred to me that Tyra was a splitting image of Jondy. I stood up. "This is Tyra. She's Jondy's clone, from Manticore." Tyra gaped at me. "He knows everything." I explained to her. "Right! You gave me quite a shock. I know you X5s are fast healers, but I didn't think it was THAT fast...." Dr. Carr's voice faded a little. I wasn't really listening to him. I recalled the day's events. I found out that Jondy had a one night stand with a man from a breeding cult. I met and made friends with a half man half dog, whose father just happened to be Sandeman. Jondy was murdered, and mysteriously came back to life again. Tyra poured her soul out to me, and until now, I hadn't even known that she had one. Yep. Weird day. ************************************************************************ A/N: If any of you guys like the TV show Alias, I have a hyperboard - alias.hyperboards.com. There's Alias discussion and fanfiction, also Dark Angel, Charmed and Gilmore Girls fanfiction. So if you want to post fanfiction there, or simply join in the discussion, be my guest! It's not much now because I just started, but I need people to get it going, I would also love for people to post their fanfic there!