A/N: I've been attacking this story with all my energy this week! I'm determined to give y'll semi-regular updates until the end. At the moment, I can (tentatively) promise two chapters a month- I'm going back to uni this week though!
Something New is still very difficult for me to write, and it just keeps getting longer and longer- these boys just take sooooo long to do anything! At this stage I'm anticipating maybe 25~30 chapters.
This chapter is VERY Naruto-centric, focusing on our poor sunshine boy's issues. The next chapter will be all about Naruto & Sasuke's developing relationship. The usual trigger warnings apply, particularly for depression.
Naruto's councillor had said something odd to him the other day: at a certain point, it stops being useful to deny the truth about things.
Naruto had been annoyed- no, he'd been angry. Tsunade hadn't been talking about Naruto's horrible grades at the time, but that was all he could think about. And he wasn't "in denial" about his very low chances of graduating this year, he was just choosing to be positive and optimistic about it all! If he followed Sai's plan, if he kept doing his homework and spending extra time studying, then everything would be fine, and that's exactly what he'd keep telling everyone!
And yet. And yet…as he sat in the empty classroom with his math teacher after school that afternoon, what Tsunade had said began to make more sense. No amount of sitting at a table with his textbook open in front of him was helping- he just didn't get this stuff!
Who the hell cares about math, Naruto thought to himself. He didn't see why Ino and Sasuke liked it so much. It was boring, and it was way too difficult for someone like him to understand anyway. What was the point?
Naruto growled under his breath and slammed the textbook shut. At the front of the room, Asuma-sensei took a long drag of his cigarette and gazed over at him with a relaxed, unconcerned expression. Naruto's math teacher didn't seem to mind spending extra time helping him study, as long as Naruto kept silent on him smoking in front of students.
"Feeling frustrated?" Asuma-sensei asked, blowing a puff of smoke out the open window and stretching. "Perhaps we need to revise Pythagoras's Theorem again," he suggested.
Naruto growled again. "We don't!" he said with a scowl. "That stuff won't even be on the test!"
"Hmm, well," Asuma-sensei said to that, "perhaps, and perhaps not, but it'll be easier to understand this stuff if you're more comfortable with Pythagoras."
No. Pythagoras was a real bastard and no-one would ever be comfortable with him. He'd probably been ugly as fuck as well. "The exam is less than two weeks away!" Naruto said, hating the panicky tone that was slipping into his voice. "And nothing makes sense. It's like all the studying I've been doing was just a waste!" And just think, he could have been spending that time with Sasuke.
"I wouldn't say that," Asuma-sensei responded, putting out his cigarette and moving over to Naruto's side. "If you really have been following that schedule that Sai emailed me-"
"You've seen the schedule?!" Naruto squeaked, embarrassed and indignant. Sai wouldn't go that far, would he?!
"-it's obvious to anyone how much better your concentration in class is these days," Asuma-sensei went on, ignoring his outburst. "You used to spend all your time looking out the window or texting. Now you're actually doing the work. So no, the studying you've been doing has not been a waste."
Naruto turned away. Well, Ino had been holding onto his phone during class lately, so he couldn't have texted anyone even if he wanted to. So… "I'm still gonna fail," he sulked. Naruto had passed very few tests in his life. Honestly, he wasn't even sure why he'd bothered coming back to high school. And it's not like the guys here were worth sleeping with, so-
"You might fail one or two of your tests," Asuma went on, and Naruto stiffened. How rude! "But I doubt you'll fail all of them. And you can do make-up tests and assessments, if necessary."
Naruto frowned. But he…he didn't want to fail any of them, not when he'd been trying so hard. It wasn't fair! "Can we do that Pythagon stuff again, then?" he asked, doing his best to not sound like a sulky toddler. "If you say it will help."
"Pythagoras," Asuma corrected. "Good. We'll study for another 15 minutes, and then you can go home."
"Yeah, okay," he said, feeling miserable. And at least then he could find Ino in the library and get his phone back. Maybe Sasuke had been trying to text him. At that thought, Naruto felt himself brighten up just a little. Yes, Sasuke definitely would have texted him by now, and maybe he was even waiting in the library as well. "Okay, let's do it!" he said to Asuma, sitting up straighter and reaching for his box.
"Good boy," Asuma praised. "We've been making a lot of progress. You'll get there, I know you will."
Well, Naruto didn't know about that, but maybe- just maybe- he'd scrape through these tests well enough to pass. He couldn't wait to see the look on Tsunade's face when he handed her his report card.
Sasuke wasn't in the library that afternoon, but he had sent Naruto multiple texts- a whole saga, in fact, about Itachi's latest way to make his life miserable. Naruto grinned to himself as he read the messages. And then all of a sudden Ino grabbed onto him from behind, wrapping him up in a tight bear-hug.
"What's this for?!" he exclaimed, frozen in place and surprised by his friend's unexpected show of emotion.
"I couldn't help it, you're just so happy!" Ino gushed, squeezing him tighter. "And that makes me happy! Sasuke's been so good for you."
"I've always been happy," Naruto protested, taking a deep breath and stepping away from Ino as soon as she let him go.
Ino grinned. "Well, this is a different kind of happiness. A- a better kind. A safer kind!"
A safer kind of happiness? Naruto had no idea what she meant by that, but he was secretly pleased by her words. After all, Ino had been so worried about Sasuke in the beginning. He still remembered her look of instant distrust when Naruto had first mentioned his name. But she'd been really great about it all since then.
"Um, thanks," Naruto said to her, smiling back. "I think?"
"It's a good thing, don't worry," Ino reassured him. "Anyway I'm sticking around to study for a bit longer, but you can go now if you like. I know you're desperate to call your boyfriend!"
"He's not my boyfriend!" Naruto protested at once, looking around him to make sure no-one had overheard. Sasuke had been very insistent on taking things slow, and Naruto didn't want to do anything to put him off. "Ino, you can't say that!"
"Right, right," Ino said, waving off his concerns. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay? Have a good night."
Naruto sighed, slinging his bag across his shoulder and heading out of the library. Ino was a great friend, really, but…well. Best to just leave it at that. She's a good friend! Naruto told himself as he left the school building and headed home. And at least now I get to call Sasuke! he added with glee.
"So tell me more," Naruto said as soon as Sasuke answered the phone. "What's he done now?"
There was a long-suffering, frustrated sigh from the other end of the phone. "He says he's doing a research paper on Adolescent Relationships and that's why there's so many pamphlets and textbooks lying around the house!"
Naruto grinned to himself. He could almost see Sasuke's disgusted expression just based on the tone of his voice. "What kind of pamphlets?" he asked, and in the background he could hear Sasuke moving around his apartment and the rustle of paper.
"This one is called Emotional IQ and Your Teen," Sasuke said with a growl. "As if I'm his teen! And this one is called Hormonal Hell: Equipping Your Teen With Vital Survival Skills. Again, I am not-"
"-his teen," Naruto supplied, still grinning. "They sound just like the pamphlets all over the clinic walls." Well, those plus the more explicit ones that the councillors had put up for his benefit, ones with very clear instructions on where to go for STD testing. As if Naruto didn't already know all that.
"And the textbooks! They've got these pictures in them, Naruto! They're awful," Sasuke complained. "He leaves them open to the worst pages."
"Could he actually have a paper to write, though?" Naruto asked, trying to imagine what kind of pictures Sasuke would find awful.
"He works in the ED," Sasuke said to that, his voice full of scorn. "And that's where he wants to stay. He's always hated working on the psych ward! Though that doesn't stop him from thinking he's some kind of expert on it all."
Yes, Naruto could imagine that. Itachi seemed exactly that kind of person. "I'm very sorry for your suffering," he said, trying to sound sympathetic and to hide his amusement.
"Honestly, he did one psych unit at uni and thinks he knows everything," Sasuke went on.
"I look forward to seeing these books and pamphlets, then," Naruto said.
"Ugh. I'll burn them all before you come over. Anyway…how was your day? Your study session?" Sasuke asked.
Naruto tried to supress his feeling of joy at just how casually Sasuke had mentioned him coming over, like it was something perfectly normal that they just did now. "Ah, it was good. I'm all set with that Pythagoras stuff now."
"Mm, that'll be helpful," Sasuke said to that. "Hey, did you know that he claimed to have been reincarnated four times?"
"Who? Pythagoras?" Naruto asked.
"Yeah. He said in one of his past lives he was a woman. A courtesan."
Naruto blinked. "…seriously?!" he exclaimed. "Wasn't he like, some anciently-old boring Greek math geek?"
Sasuke laughed at that. "Yeah, well, it's just what I read in a book one time. And as for the boring math geek part, you're dating a boring math geek, you know."
Naruto froze on the spot and turned bright red. "Ah-ahh, um, right, well," he stammered. "…I am?!" he added. Dating. He says we're dating. That's one step away from boyfriends, right?!
"Oh, I gotta go, Itachi's home. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" Sasuke said.
"Right, tomorrow!" Naruto squeezed out, and when Sasuke hung up he staggered over to a brick fence and leaned against it, breathing heavily and feeling faint. Oh, Naruto was lost. He was so into Sasuke it was crazy.
Just one word, that's all it takes to get me like this, Naruto scolded himself, feeling supremely uncool. I'll probably faint when he says we're boyfriends. If he says it. If.
And the truth was, if Naruto had made any progress at school these past few weeks, it was all thanks to Sasuke. Asuma was right, he used to spend all his time in class doing anything but study. Mostly he'd be reminiscing about the previous night and trying to decide where he best chance at getting laid that weekend was. Or he'd be texting his contacts, making plans to meet up.
Well, he hadn't done any of that in ages. Even just thinking about it made him feel…weird. Wrong.
Naruto really had tried at the whole school and study thing when he first came to this town and moved in with Sai. It'd just all been so hard and there were so many other things to do, so… But that's all over now, Naruto told himself harshly. You are going to keep studying, and you are going to pass those tests! Believe it!
He took another deep breath and pushed himself off the brick wall, laughing at himself as he did so. If he'd ever put half as much effort into school as he did in seducing some of his more difficult conquests, those tests would be no problem at all. So! I can do it! He slipped his phone back into his pocket and made his way home.
Naruto sat in the waiting-room at the clinic for his regular session with Tsunade, scowling to himself. He could be doing so many other things with this time. Studying, or sleeping, or playing video games with Sasuke. But no, here he was again- and he'd promised Sai and Ino that he'd keep his appointments, dammit, so he couldn't even sneak off.
"Naruto?" Tsunade called from her door, and he jumped to his feet, stalking across the room to her office. "A pleasure to see you again as well," Tsunade said, shifting to let him pass her.
"Mm," Naruto said by way of greeting, settling down on the couch and pouring himself some water.
"How's the studying going?" Tsunade asked as she sat down opposite him. "Not too long to go now. A week?"
God, she gets right to it doesn't she, Naruto said to himself, somewhat bitterly. "Nothing to worry about!" he declared, taking a piece of paper from his pocket and handing it over to her.
"Naruto Uzumaki has been studying very hard and will pass all his exams," Tsunade read from the paper. "What's this? A note from your teachers?"
"And it's not forged, either!" Naruto said, passing her another paper- a photo of him holding the note, with Asuma-sensei and Kakashi-sensei standing next to him. His teachers had enthusiastically signed the bottom of the paper, with Kakashi-sensei even adding a somewhat rude and explicit drawing next to his name. Really, his teachers weren't too bad, some of the time.
"They seem very confident," Tsunade said, placing the two pieces of paper down on the coffee-table, her expression blank as usual. "And you're sticking to your schedule?"
"Like clockwork," Naruto said, leaning back on the couch and folding his arms across his chest.
"It should all be fine, then," Tsunade said.
Yeah, right, Naruto thought to himself. He wasn't fooled! He knew that Tsunade believed he would fail. Look, Naruto knew that he was a no-good, constantly-messing-up, kinda-whore-y guy who was definitely not what you'd call smart, but that didn't mean he- wait, where had he been going with that? Well, the point was, he had his own unique talents to make up for being so dumb.
"And your friends are being supportive?" Tsunade went on.
"Yeah yeah, I'm making Ino hold onto my phone during class like you said I should," Naruto said in response. "And everyone knows that I'll just be staying at home and being boring until my tests are over." Though, having said that, he hadn't been going out that much since he met Sasuke anyway.
"Good, I'm pleased," Tsunade said. "It seems like you're giving yourself every chance to pass."
A chance. Just a chance. He sighed. Well, it would all be over soon, one way or the other.
His session dragged on and Tsunade grilled him about the rest of his life, asking her usual intrusive, no-business-of-hers questions until the hour was up and he could escape.
Naruto attacked his books as soon as he got home from the clinic. He'd show her who was going to pass these exams, and with flying colours as well! Or, at least, what counted as flying colours for him.
He set to work on a practice exam that Kakashi had set him and would mark tomorrow. Apparently, knowing the right method to answer exam questions was just as important as knowing the actual answer, which Naruto thought was complete bullshit. But if that's what he had to do to get his passing grade, then he'd do it!
He knew he was lucky to have such supportive teachers. And if it all worked out- he'd be happy to show them that they hadn't wasted their time. He'd be happy to show Ino that she was right to believe in him. And he'd feel so much better about being with Sasuke. Even though passing these exams would still put him miles out of Sasuke's league, it was something at least.
More than an hour went by. That was usually his limit with studying but he was determined to finish this practice exam in one go like Kakashi-sensei had told him to do. So he pushed on, and if his eyes kept wandering over to his sock drawer where his last pack of cigarettes was hidden- well, he couldn't help that, could he?
That'll have to be good enough, Naruto thought to himself thirty minutes later when he finished the last question. He should re-read his answers, but…he needed to smoke. He just really, really needed to. And he'd been good about it lately, so he deserved one.
It was blissful. No sex and no smoking, that was the resolution he made- with Ino's instance- more than a month ago when he'd fallen for Sasuke. Obviously, the no sex thing was the more important one, so slipping up a few times and smoking was fine, wasn't it?
I haven't even wanted to sleep with anyone, Naruto mused to himself. This was probably the longest he'd ever been without it in years.
And as for the smoking…I won't have another one after this, Naruto promised. He breathed in deep, closing his eyes and letting that heady, blissful feeling spread through him. I'll go back to studying next. It was gonna be great, he was going to pass, without even cheating or bribing or blackmailing anyone.
Naruto couldn't even remember all the times he'd been caught out in the past. There was one time in particular, though…he'd been so young. They shouldn't make seven-year-olds do tests anyway! His foster dad had promised him a treat if he'd passed, so yeah, Naruto had cheated and gotten his reward. And then when Naruto's cheating was discovered, the bastard had done that whole "I'm so disappointed in you" routine. As if it even mattered. Naruto left that place a few months later anyway.
…and the trip to the movies had been worth it. So no, it hadn't been his last time cheating. But really, hadn't even cared enough about school to cheat the past few years.
"Naruto," came Sai's voice, and he blinked and found his roommate staring at him from the doorway.
"Ah, Sai!" Naruto gasped, sitting up and dumping the cigarette into a glass of water. "I wasn't- it was just this once, I promise!"
Sai gazed steadily back, not looking bothered. "I just came in to ask what you wanted for dinner," he went on.
-right. Right, Sai didn't mind if he smoked, so- "Anything's fine, thanks Sai!" Naruto said, his heart still pounding in his chest. Why do I feel so guilty?! He glanced over at the clock- it was 6pm. "I'm gonna study some more, so we'll eat at say, 7?"
Sai nodded, and left the room.
Naruto collapsed onto his pillow, looking at the drowned cigarette with a dark, forlorn feeling. It had felt good, but he was suddenly overcome with the need to confess. He picked up his phone and texted Sasuke. I broke my promise to Ino and smoked. But I'm not gonna do it again! he wrote.
Sasuke texted back almost at once. Bad boy. I should spank you, the text said.
Naruto was so surprised that he actually dropped his phone onto the floor, and struggled to pick it back up again. WHAT?! he typed back. Sas, what the hell?!
…one of Itachi's pamphlets was about 'sexting'. Did that count? Sasuke wrote back.
YES! Naruto typed, his skin burning and his whole body on edge from the shock of it all. Yes, that definitely counted!
Good, Sasuke texted back. I've got more studying to do now. Stop bothering me.
Naruto grinned. Well, that had certainly brought him out of his bleak mood! He glanced down at the front of his pants and saw that Sasuke's one little text had definitely had an effect on him. How embarrassing! Just hearing those words had got him all excited.
I'm studying as well, so don't YOU keep bothering ME, Naruto wrote back. I'll see you tomorrow, Sas!
And then he pushed himself out of bed and headed for the bathroom. He'd take a cold shower, and then he'd go back to studying. He had a whole chapter of his science textbook to review before dinner. So you'd better stop thinking about that beautiful, dark-haired boy "punishing" you, Naruto! he told himself sternly. He couldn't afford to be distracted, even by such a stunningly attractive image.
The week before exams passed by in a blur of private study sessions and practice tests. Pretty much all of Naruto's teachers ganged up to scrape every last bit of energy out of him before exam week. Every day he'd gone home and collapsed into bed for a nap before getting up and studying again.
It became a matter of pride. Everyone knew now how hard he was studying- Ino, Sai, Sasuke, his teachers, Tsunade. I'll show them all. That was his last thought before going to bed the night before exam week, and it's what he told himself before each test began.
It was a rough week. And the week after that was even worse, as he waited for the teachers to finish their marking. But finally he sat in the waiting room of the clinic for his regular appointment, his results gripped tightly in his hand.
"Naruto-" came Tsunade's voice, and Naruto shot up from his chair and was pushing his way into her room before she'd even finished speaking.
"See for yourself!" Naruto crowed, flashing the paper at her victoriously. "I passed all of them! Except math, but I did a make-up test on Friday and passed that one as well!" he added. That damn Pythagoras had tripped him up again. The make-up test had been a brutal punishment from a furious Asuma, but he'd done it, and now here he was- he'd passed!
Tsunade took the report from his hands and made her way to her chair, sitting down and examining the paper at a leisurely pace. Naruto paced back and forth in front of the couch, waiting for her to speak. He'd done it, and she'd have to admit it, the proof was right there in her hands!
She must have read every word on that paper at least three times, but eventually Tsunade placed it down on the coffee table and looked up at him. "Have a seat, Naruto," she said, waving for him to sit down.
Naruto did so, fidgeting the whole time. "So?" he demanded.
"You've done well," she said simply.
"Yes," Naruto crowed again. "Didn't I say I could do it?!"
"Hmm," Tsunade said to that. "Yes, you did say that you could do it. But I wonder: did you really believe that you could do it?"
Naruto stifled a growl. "Of course I did!"
"I want you to keep this close," Tsunade said, sliding the report back across to him. "And whenever you're feeling down, whenever you're doubting yourself, I want you to look at this and remember how hard you've worked this past month. I want you to remember what you're capable of."
Naruto frowned, feeling confused. What did she mean? That almost sounded like- but Tsunade had been harder on him than anyone, so why was she… "What game are you playing?" he demanded.
"Game? No games, Naruto," Tsunade said. "The fact is, the number of obstacles you've overcome in your very short life is remarkable. You're a highly capable young man. And yet despite that, you suffer from extremely low self-esteem."
He blinked. Low self-esteem…? Him? Come on, Naruto could do anything. That was- "That's ridiculous," he blurted out. "What do you mean? You're harsher than anyone about-"
"You overcompensate, yes, and you hyper-inflate the skills you value," Tsunade interrupted. "But I've watched you and listened to you closely during our appointments, and I've been through more than ten years of your records, Naruto. Your life experience has left you with a harrowingly low sense of self-worth."
Naruto froze. What records? He narrowed his eyes. She…of course she'd been reading notes from the other councillors at the clinic, sure, but all that was just- what other records had she been at?! There were things in some of those that he didn't want anyone to see, ever.
"You shouldn't have read those," he said, his voice going low and cold.
"Now that your exams are safely behind you, I'd like to move on to other things," Tsunade continued. "To some other issues. You won't like it, but it's necessary-"
"What other issues?" Naruto demanded. He was fine!
Tsunade raised an eyebrow and looked down at her notes. "Eleven foster homes, a year on the streets, six months in juvenile detention, and almost two years in that awful adolescent's home-"
"What's that got to do with anything?" Naruto blurted out, standing up and clenching his fists. "I passed the damn exams, that's what we're here for, isn't it?! I'm gonna graduate, isn't that good enough?!"
"It is more than good enough," Tsunade said, staring him down, her tone sure and steely. "It is incredible. What you've achieved goes well beyond anyone's expectations, Naruto. You've done very, very well."
"So why are you making it sound like I'm a mess?!" Naruto exclaimed, feeling himself start to tremble against his will. "I said I could do it, and I did!"
"And the next time you say that, I want you to believe it," Tsunade went on. "Your low self-esteem is holding you back. You agreed to return to high school despite believing that you would fail. But you can do this, Naruto. I believe that, 100%."
Naruto fell to the couch, stunned into silence. But she…all the times he'd seen her, these damn appointments she'd forced him to commit to…all she talked about was how he needed to try harder. To stop sleeping with a million guys a week. Stop smoking, stop swearing, stop beating people up behind school. Do your homework. Let your friends help you. Let your teachers help you. Let me help you.
"Look at this, Naruto," Tsunade continued, and Naruto gazed over at her wearily, to see her shuffling through the papers in her folder. She handed something over to him. It was the photo and the note he'd given her last time. "See the faith your teachers have in you? They believe in you, too. They've been offering you so much help, even before your sudden burst of determination this month."
Naruto took the paper. All three of them had been laughing while they took that photo. His teachers hadn't believed him when he said his councillor was crazy.
"But you…you've been so mean to me," Naruto said. Hadn't she? Making him come in twice a month, set a study schedule and all that.
Tsunade smiled at that. "Mean?" she asked. "You've seen a lot of councillors over the years, and done all kinds of therapy. And none of it has had much affect, has it? Your depression is still as bad as it ever was."
"It's not," Naruto refuted at once, deeply offended. Why even bring that up?! He took his pill once a day and didn't have to worry about it. Come on, it's not like he was moping around in bed crying all the time or throwing screaming fits! He wasn't depressed.
"We needed to try something new here, Naruto. And we'll keep on this path. Have faith that things can change." Then she reached down beside her chair and placed a white box on the coffee table. "Here. I thought we could celebrate your achievement."
Naruto gazed at the box with narrowed eyes and began to say something truly nasty, but when she opened it he was stunned into silence once more. There in the box was a small orange cake with the words Congratulations, Naruto, written on top.
"For me?!" he exclaimed. It was a cake! A cake with his name on it!
"Of course for you," Tsunade said, adding a knife and two plates to the table. "Shall we eat it? You can take the leftovers home."
"But," Naruto stammered. She'd bought him a cake? Why would she do that? "But what if I didn't pass?"
"On that very unlikely occasion, I would have given it to you anyway," she said to that. "You've worked so hard this past month. The least you deserve is a cake. And if you keep working like this, you'll have more rewards come to you, I'm sure of it."
Well, that did it. To his utter horror and mortification, Naruto burst into tears right there on the couch in front of his demon councillor, and when she reached out to take his hand, he didn't even pull away.
…and that damn cake was delicious.
A/N: Ahhhh that was really hard to write, *cries*. There are so many different ways that people experience depression- obviously it's different from person to person, but even one's own experience changes over time. Naruto isn't what you'd call a 'textbook case' of depression, and I'm not sure if that makes it easier or harder for him. As we can see from this chapter, he's still a long way off from coming to terms with past.
Anyway! Be sure to stop by in the comments and say "hi"! Feedback is pure fuel for writers, and I'm afraid we're very fuel-inefficient creatures and need constant top-ups. FEED ME!