Place of the Lost
A/N: Oh writing this chapter made me so happy. It's the first glimmer of hope we've seen in a long time! I hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: Twilight and all of its Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer
Chapter 10: The Letter
EPOV
The defeated feeling began to grow inside of me as the footsteps got closer to the door. I rubbed my red eyes with my fists. The word "pathetic," escaped my lips, and I hung my head in shame. The glass door slid open beside me.
Alice's voice chimed, "Good Morning Edward, come on in." I followed directions, lifting myself from the metal fire escape and following her into the apartment. I shut the door behind me and looked around. This was hardly an apartment, more like a miniature mansion. Everything was so light and open, not the dark dungeon I would have expected. The walls were a clean white, and the floors were a light hardwood. There was a huge white leather sofa in the living room, and a Persian rug with crimson patterns lay on the floor. The window behind the sofa stretched from the floor to the ceiling and was dressed with an elegant crimson curtain. A wrought iron chandelier illuminated the entire room.
Alice turned to me and took in my appearance with knowing eyes, "Rough night?" she sighed. I just nodded in response. "Carlisle should be home soon, he had to work a few minutes late. I hope you don't mind I took the liberty of bringing some of your things here, like your clothes. They're upstairs in your dresser, if you want to change." Her words were kinder than her thoughts. She was obviously disgusted by me, but I couldn't blame her. Alice probably knew the origin of every stain.
"Third door on the left?" I mumbled in a quiet voice. Alice nodded with a smile. I sulked over to the stairs. It was obvious that she was trying to ignore my bad mood, this annoyed me even more. How could such a little girl be so irritating? At the top of the stairs there was a long hallway, with five doors. Three on the left and two on the right. It was decorated extravagantly with paintings of vibrant landscapes lining the corridor. One of them caught my eye. It was a country meadow, nestled deep in the heart of rolling green mountains. The scene was so peaceful, so serene. It reminded me of the two summers I spent in Georgia visiting my mother's family, when I was a boy. There was another more menacing painting that stood out to me as well. At the end of the hall there was a large portrait of four men. They had pale white skin and were dressed in long black cloaks tied with golden rope. One of them appeared to be Dr. Cullen. The other three were regal looking men, with red eyes. I knew all to well what that meant. I felt uncomfortable staring at the painting; so I moved to the third cherry wood door at the end of the long white hallway.
I slowly turned the knob and was appalled by what I saw. Alice hadn't just brought my clothes. She had brought my entire dresser and my bedside table. She even tried to arrange the room, the way I did at home. But it didn't feel like home at all, this was just a hollow illusion. Instead of my small bed and green blanket, there was a large plush, black, leather sofa. There was a massive wooden bookcase in the corner. I scanned the titles from across the room, all of my books only took up the first shelf. The other three rows were foreign to me, filled with things I'd never choose to read myself. I scoffed internally at the titles, Romeo and Juliette, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Wuthering Heights, Pride and Prejudice. Her thoughts didn't indicate that she hated me, but Alice obviously did. Stocking my bookshelf with Bella's favorite romances, maybe she hung pictures of my dying parents somewhere too. I walked over to the shelf and turned all of those titles around; I couldn't bare to look at them.
I moved over to my dresser and pulled out a fresh pair of navy blue pants and a white shirt with matching navy buttons. I pulled the blood stained t-shirt off of me just as the first light of dawn peeked through the window. The dim light illuminated my pale skin in the most disgusting way. I threw the shirt into the wastebasket in the corner of the room; there was no saving it. I jerked my muddy pants down my legs and kicked them off my feet to the ground. I quickly covered my pale body with clean clothes and closed the dresser drawers.
I heard a knock at the door. It opened slightly and Alice peeked her head through the crack in the door. "Carlisle's here, he wants to see." I nodded at her and turned to leave the room. My guilt and shame were heavy weights to bear as I trudged out of the room. "He's in the dining room." Alice's voice contained a false cheer. I walked down the stairs and turned the corner into a spotless kitchen and dining area. Dr. Cullen sat at the head of the large wooden table. His forehead was creased with worry, and his thoughts confirmed what his expression already revealed to me.
He forced a smile. "Good morning, Edward." I nodded in return. "Have a seat, I want to hear about your first night." I grimaced, and hung my head in shame.
He looked at me with understanding eyes. "Alice told me things didn't go well. I need to know exactly what happened. There may be some things I need to take care of, so we don't attract attention to ourselves. Please Edward, tell me about last night."
I walked over to the table, and pulled out a chair. It squeaked across the floor and I sat down across from the doctor. He motioned for me to begin. I unnecessarily cleared my throat, and stared down at the grain pattern in the wood of the table. "I went to Bella's house after I left the hospital."
"Oh God!" His eyes grew wide. "Please tell me you didn't try to talk to her."
"No and she's fine." I assured him in a rather perturbed tone. "I just wanted to check on her. Her scent was overpowering. Her blood was more intoxicating than any other human I encountered."
He hung his head, "I'm sorry Edward."
"Me too." I continued, "I escaped her house, and raced down the street. I just needed to get away from her. Wanting her blood made me feel so depraved. I ran back through the city and I heard a woman screaming in an alley. I was going to ignore it, but I could tell that she was scared."
He nodded approvingly, "Yes, your gift. Alice told me."
"Yes her thoughts were terrified, so I went to help her. A man had her pinned against the wall. He was screaming in her face, and he hit her. She was sobbing, I couldn't just leave the lady. I pulled him off of her and told her to run away."
He smiled widely, "That was very kind of you."
His complement made me even more ashamed of the next part of the story. "He tried to stab me. My instincts took over. I… I killed him. I drank his blood. I put his body and some rocks in a trash can and dumped it into the lake." I felt horrible about myself. This confession only made things worse. I placed my elbows on the table and buried my head into my hands, trying to hide the disgraceful creature that I had become.
His expression was solemn, but his thoughts were sincere. After a long silence he finally responded in a calm tone, "I'm proud of you Edward."
I shouted at him angrily, "Proud of me? I'm a murderer!"
"It was your first night as one of our kind. You had enough self-control to overcome your powerful instincts and not hurt Bella. You saved someone's life and only killed someone who tried to kill you first. You disposed of the body in a way that wouldn't draw attention to yourself. Most new vampires only need to smell blood and they give in to the desire. You're very strong."
I spoke in a grave voice. "I don't feel strong. I'm a slave to the fire."
His voice was a soft whisper. "You aren't a slave to anything Edward. These feelings of hopelessness will pass. You'll only get stronger, and you'll settle into this new life very quickly. I can tell you're a resilient man."
I scoffed at him, "I don't want to settle into this life. I hate this life. It isn't fair."
He sighed, "You're right, nothing about this is fair. I'm sorry, but it's all we have now. And for what it's worth, I know you'll do something great with it." His compassionate sincerity was almost as annoying as Alice's perpetual cheerfulness.
I shrugged my shoulders, "What now?"
His face suddenly became somber, "There is something I'm going to need you to do, and it won't be easy."
My morbid curiosity got the better of me, "What?" I asked.
"I need you to write a letter."
"To who?" This evasive shit was really getting old.
"Bella."
"Why?" I demanded
"Edward," He sighed heavily. "You and I both know that you can't be around her anymore. You experienced it for yourself last night. It's just not safe. You need to give her some closure, end the relationship."
I roared at him. "You want me to break up with her?"
His voice was calm, but his thoughts were nervous. "No, of course not. I wish it were that easy." He took another long annoying pause. "I need you to tell her you died Edward. Alice can deliver it for you."
The anger began to boiled inside of me. "What? Why would I lie to her?"
"She can't come looking for you. You know as well as I do, that she won't give up if she thinks you're still alive. I know it hurts, but you have to understand that you two cannot be together anymore. This is for Bella, so she can move on."
I screamed at him. "It'll break her heart."
His tone was stern and loud. "It'll save her life." He had a point, but I had a point too. I didn't know what to do. I sat there in silence. I didn't want to give up on Bella, Dr. Cullen said himself that I had remarkable self-control for a new… I still couldn't think the word. The more rational side of me knew that our relationship could never work. I wasn't even human anymore. I craved sick, repulsive things. We couldn't grow old together. I couldn't even go into the sunlight for God's sake. Bella deserved so much better than what I could give her.
Defeated once again, I hung my head in shame and conceded to his morbid request. "Fine."
"Alice please go to my study and get some paper and an envelope." She flitted up the stairs to his study. She was back by my side in an instant, pen in hand. "I'm sorry Edward, but I promise it's for the best." She gave me a reassuring smile.
"God, I don't even know how to start this." I gave a sad groan.
"It'll be all right Edward. I'll let you have your privacy." Carlisle spoke in an understanding tone and got up from the table. He pushed in his chair and walked slowly out of the room.
She responded in a gentle voice. "I'll help you." I nodded and she began. "Dear Bella, I want you to know that I love you. The few years I spent with you were the happiest of my life. Thank you for taking care of me. It is my deepest regret, that our future together was cut so painfully short." I wanted to cry again, this was going to rip her heart out. "Unfortunately if you are reading this, it means that I did not survive the influenza. I'm sorry to leave you, but know that I am with my parents now. I understand that this is going to be difficult for you, but you're strong Bella. I have faith in you, and I wish you nothing but happiness for the rest of your life. You'll make it through this." Alice's tone suddenly changed, "I know you'll Figure it out. Forever Yours, Edward." I put my pen down and closed my eyes wishing this nightmare would end. "You're not finished yet. Capital letters at the start over every word please." I nodded, and Alice smirked. I groaned internally; she was so annoying. "P.S. I Always Maintained Absolute Love Is Vehemently Everlasting."
I gave her a confused look, "What the hell does that mean?"
Her grin widened, "Read it." I scanned the awkward sentence. Then it finally stood out to me. I AM ALIVE. I couldn't help but smile back at her; this girl was devious. I liked it.
"Why are we doing this Alice?" I replied in a quizzical tone.
She was beaming, but spoke in a whisper so Carlisle couldn't hear. "You don't want her to give up on you, do you? Jeez Edward, I thought you loved the girl. I'd tell her about this myself, but she wouldn't believe me. We just have to buy some time. Maybe you'll be able to explain things for yourself. You aren't ready for her yet, but I'm hoping that one day you will be."
"How will she know to look for our message?" I asked in a pleading tone.
"She will Edward, don't worry. Just do what Carlisle says. Like I said before, things will all work out in the end." I was slowly changing my mind about Alice.
I smiled at her. "So there's hope?"
She giggled lightly, "There's always hope." I couldn't help it. I stood up and wrapped my arms around Alice. I lifted her little body off the ground, and gave her the biggest hug I could muster. This was the happiest I'd been since before I was sick. Maybe my life wasn't over. Her giggle turned into a loud chuckle. "You're welcome, but I'm not making any promises. I'll do everything I can to help you, but you're going to have to be nicer to Carlisle. He's just trying to do what's best for you."
I sighed, "Yes m'am, but haven't you explained to him that it will all be okay?"
"He knows the future is unstable, and he doesn't want anyone to get hurt especially someone you love. He knows that it would crush you. He's just trying to keep you safe." Her thoughts were honest. "So maybe you could ease up on him a little bit?"
"Fine." I huffed. I heard Dr. Cullen's footsteps behind me.
"Did you finish?" He inquired. I nodded and Alice shot an angry look in my direction.
I forced a smile in his direction, "Yes sir."
He grinned, "Call me Carlisle please."
"Yes Carlisle, the letter is finished." It was so much easier to be nice to him now that Alice and I had a plan to undermine his authority.
"Thank you. Alice will deliver it later." She took the letter out of my hand and folded into thirds and tucked it into a long white envelope. She picked up the pen and wrote Bella, in the most beautiful loopy handwriting I had ever seen.
"What should Edward do now Carlisle?" Alice asked, already knowing the answer.
He pondered the question for a second then responded in an apprehensive tone. "You know you're always welcome here Edward, but I really think it would be best if you got out of the city for a while. You need to get away from all the people, take some time to clear your head and get used to feeding on animals. It would be good for your self-control as well." His tone was soft, but he was still worried about how I would react.
I smiled at him, "Where do you think I should go?"
He was elated that I didn't respond with anger. "Out in the country somewhere, preferably some place with large game. Do you know anywhere like that?" He inquired.
I thought for a second before responding, "I went to Georgia as a child, I really enjoyed it there."
He grinned, "I hope you like deer and black bear."
I couldn't help but chuckled, "I've had it a few times, but I guess not in the way you mean."
"Sounds like a good choice to me, "You'll head south at night fall." I nodded in agreement. It would be nice to get out of Chicago. I had a lot to think about and I would do anything to make myself strong for Bella. Even if we couldn't spend our lives together, I wanted her to know that I was all right. I wanted to be able to talk to her again. I needed to be around her without having to worry about hurting her. I just hoped she'd figure out the letter, she needed some sort of comfort. Who knows, maybe she'd come looking for me?
A/N: Oh I love Alice, she's always got his back. There won't be an update for a few days. I'm going on a little vacation, but don't worry this will be on my mind J. Thanks for reading. Please Review!