AN: Again, I apologise for how long this took me to write
Chapter 10~ A Problematic Happy Ending
Castiel flinched as Gabriel's hand came down strong and hard onto his backpack.
"Well done, big brother," He was grinning at him as they trudged up the dirt path outside the pick-up zone, "Didn't think you had it in you. I know I didn't."
"Thank you, Gabriel," He said simply, feeling shaken by the previous course of events. He thanked his body nonetheless for only kicking in now; getting hit by a shock wave of nerves at the moment when he needed his strength the most would've been disastrous. He glanced over his shoulder as the others followed not far behind them. "How will we fit everyone in the Balthazar's car?" He wondered aloud, as they rounded the corner to the pick-up zone. "One person will have to go without."
"Maybe two people should just walk home together." Gabriel suggested, sounding hopeful. A small smile played on Castiel's face.
"You and Sam?" He questioned mockingly. His brother's cheeks went slightly pink.
"Well, ummm, yeah, I-"
"You really like him?" Castiel teased. His brother's cheeks turned a deeper shade of red.
"Is it that obvious?" He asked, stuttering. Castiel's warm smile grew wider.
"Yes, it's quite clear." He lightly patted his shoulder. "But if it's any consolation, it seems Sam might somewhat reciprocate."
Gabriel looked at his brother grinning from ear to ear, eyes wide with hope.
"You actually think he does?"
Castiel shrugged.
"Maybe you should find out on the walk." He offered, but was quiet when the others caught up. At that moment, Balthazar's Chevrolet pulled up alongside them, his brow creased with suspicious anxiety.
"How did it go?" He asked quickly, eyebrows arched. He was met with smiles and immediately relaxed. "Good." He paused and frowned. "I'm not going to be able to fit you all in my car. Someone is going to have to walk."
"I don't mind walking," Sam said, "And I could do with the exercise after sitting in those computer labs for so long."
"Yeah, me too," Gabriel replied immediately, "I'll join you so you know where to go."
Sam smiled in return and nodded. Balthazar rolled his eyes.
"Whatever," He said, revving the engine, "Whoever is coming, get in."
The Novaks couldn't remember the last time they had a celebration, or a reason to host one. Balthazar relieved Castiel of cooking duties to make his signature lasagne - the only meal he could actually cook. Anna managed to sneak her CD of the Les Misèrables soundtrack without her brothers noticing. Most of the time, Gabriel would complain about it but this night, he kept quiet, and let himself enjoy it. The lounge room was full of laughter and grinning; everyone was happy in the orange light.
Castiel gathered up the dirty dishes and walked into the dark kitchen, tailed by Gabriel who seemed the jolliest out of the company.
"I'll give you a hand," He offered, picking up a tea towel hanging from the oven door under the drying rack.
"Thanks." Castiel replied, running the hot tap. They were quiet as they worked, both with a permanent small smile. "It's nice to have happy guests, isn't it?" Castiel said finally. Gabriel grinned.
"Yeah, it's seems warmer somehow…"
Castiel frowned at the odd statement.
"I suppose I understand," He looked quizzically at his brother, "You still have your jacket on." He pointed out, as he handed a dripping dinner plate to him.
"So I do!" Gabriel exclaimed, shrugging it off and hanging it over a chair behind him. Castiel paused from his scrubbing as he observed his brother's exposed collarbone, frowning in a surprised manner.
"Gabriel…" He said in a conversational tone.
"Yeah?" Gabriel answered, straightening up and raising his eyebrows at his brother's facial expression.
"Is that…a love bite?!" He asked in an accusing tone, pointing at the red splodge previously covered by the collar of Gabriel's jacket. His cheeks immediately went bright red.
"What?! No! No, it's just…ummm…" He started, stumbling over his words. Castiel raised his eyebrows in a disbelieving expression. A chuckle came from the doorway.
"That is totally a hickey." Dean's voice filtered through Gabriel's nervous stuttering. The trio were silent for a moment, listening to the Sam telling Anna a story about the original Les Misèrables story; they seemed to be waiting for something unknown. Castiel's smile suddenly grew wider and he could feel his body beginning to shudder as he supressed a snigger. He hadn't laughed for a very long time so it was a surprise to hear himself chuckle. Gabriel's confusion at his reaction was obvious on his face.
"Good for you Gabriel." Castiel said fondly to his brother after he had calmed down. Relief flooded Gabriel and he flashed a thankful grin.
"I'm going to get back to the others," He explained, nodding at Dean before entering the brightly lit lounge room. Castiel put the last clean and dried plate in a cupboard above his head before turning to Dean.
Castiel was yelling all of the questions he wanted to ask him inside his head but, at the same time, couldn't for the life of him hear himself think. For now, he contented himself to attempt small talk with Dean until he could find some excuse out of the noise and laughter because, if he was honest with himself, he was beginning to feel slightly anxious at the sudden happiness afforded him.
"Getting pretty noisy in there, isn't it?" Dean asked, as if reading his thoughts. Gabriel's dominating voice had just finished the punch line to a joke and there was an uproar of laughter booming through the open doorway.
"Yes." He answered, and feeling guilty for his negativity towards the general joyous atmosphere, added, "It's good to hear everyone enjoy themselves."
"That's not what I meant." Dean answered. Castiel made eye contact and realised that Dean could tell that he was agitated. He chided himself for acting so selfishly while everyone else had the right to be happy.
"I'm sorry, I hope I didn't ruin your cheerful mood." He said in a rushed, reserved statement. Dean shrugged.
"I wasn't exactly as ecstatic as everyone else," He half-smiled, "'Bout the same as you actually."
Castiel looked down and studied the floor tiles, feeling awkward at Dean's stare. Dean looked over his shoulder and smiled at Anna who was grinning at him from across the room. She looked over at Sam again and Dean looked back to Castiel.
"Do you want to get out?" Dean asked, making Castiel look up.
"For a walk?" Castiel suggested. Dean nodded. Though the thought of being alone with Dean was rather unnerving, Castiel couldn't deny his questions for much longer. "Sure."
The chilly night air bit at Castiel as he zipped up his jacket. The duo were silent, pacing the well-kept pavements of the neighbourhood. Dean tried not to feel threatened by the massive, black silhouettes of the expensive houses looming over him as they walked. Absentmindedly, he began to walk closer to Castiel, unsure of their direction and their safety. Castiel was oblivious to his feelings, determined to stare ahead and reach his destination. He was suddenly brought out of his focus when Dean spoke.
"Uh, Cas," He raised his eyebrows at his friend, "Where are we going?"
"To a park not far from here." He nodded in the general direction he was headed. "It's very peaceful at night and good for talking."
Damn it, Castiel blurted in his mind, I've said too much. Regardless of his negative thoughts, his feet didn't skip a beat as they walked. In fact, he was glad he had mentioned the discussing he wanted to do; it seemed to break some form of awkward, unsure atmosphere that had been accumulated as soon as they were alone together in the kitchen.
Dean was glad it was dark and Castiel could only see black and white in the light of the street lights. He could feel himself blushing when he realised that Castiel knew something had changed between them, and at the thought of his actions. His mind began racing with excuses and explanations for the night before, but the same card kept turning up, setting Dean's teeth on edge. Tell him the truth.
Castiel was right; Black Smith's park was a tranquil setting in the night time, complete with crickets chirping and frogs croaking by the small lake it was situated next to. Even in his nervous state of mind, Dean appreciated the crisp, grassy air as they came to a stop by a mid-height, grey wall overlooking the water.
Castiel was battling to grab hold of his fleeting thoughts and start the conversation, and Dean was waiting for the shit to hit the fan. He'd never been so nervous about his feelings before, a subject he generally preferred to keep hidden deep in his mind and leave for Sam and girls to discuss. But this was big for him; he was willing to commit to a relationship instead of just having a bit of fun with his staple pick of popular cheerleader. It didn't matter how many times he went over it, he always felt the same need to protect Castiel, but it was a different, more intimate emotion than for his family need to safeguard Sam. But for all this to happen, Castiel had to reciprocate, and that was a long shot for Dean. He cleared his throat and Castiel looked over at him. Those damn blue eyes, Dean caught himself thinking, hastily focusing on the water and not at his friend's face.
"You wanted to talk." He said shortly. He sensed Castiel nod in his peripheral vision. "I think it's a good idea."
"I wanted to… address certain issues I've realised have… sprung between the two of us." Castiel had no idea what he was saying. This is all so confusing! was a broken record in his head, and wouldn't be quiet when he tried to break the needle. Dean heard the uncertainty in his voice.
"You've never done this before, have you?" He said in a reasonable, straight-forward voice he'd never heard himself use before. Castiel hoped they were talking about the same thing as he spoke.
"Is it that obvious?" He sighed as he realised his younger brother had said the same statement only hours before. Gabriel, who seemed able to sail through life and its complexities with nowhere near as much hassle as Castiel. He envied him and hated himself for making everything so complicated. He had been so focused on this internal deliberation that he only just realised Dean was chuckling. It make Castiel a little annoyed he wasn't taking the situation seriously.
"What?" He asked impatiently. He's probably laughing at my naivety, he thought, to think I'd ever have a chance with Dean Winchester. He clenched his fists to vaporise the cold thoughts that seemed to be freezing over his brain more often than they used. It was harder every day to break the ice.
Dean had stopped chuckling immediately.
"Sorry dude," He shrugged, "I just find it really hard to believe."
Castiel frowned deeply, huge lines overhanging his eyes as his head began to tilt.
"Why?"
Dean looked at him now and Castiel was sure he could see a fond smile creeping over his lips. Stop looking at this lips, he commanded himself, snapping back to his green eyes.
"Come on dude," Dean was grinning now, "You're every smart chick's dream!"
Castiel shook his head.
"No one in their right mind would even think to dream of me." He replied in a tone so matter-of-factly that Dean's stomach sunk to rock bottom. Castiel's face even brightened from his confused creases, as if he were glad he'd cleared up the issue that he thought Dean was mulling over and could move on. As if the un-confidence was something he was so used to, it was easier to manage than question.
It was all too close to home, and Dean felt like he'd been stabbed in the gut by the blue-eye, wonder brother, and suddenly he blurted it out.
"Cas, if only you could see yourself the way we see you."
"Who sees me, Dean?" His tone just as confused as before.
"Your family, Cas! Your mum, Gabriel, Anna, Balthazar even! Sammy!" He paused for a beat before shooting Castiel his own penetrating stare. "How I see you Cas."
It'd all come out of him without a tap to stop the flow, but Dean couldn't seem to care less. He could feel his face had contorted into a weak, emotional and pleading thing he wasn't used to and didn't like. He wasn't bothered by it if it made Castiel understand. He felt like he'd just destroyed a brick wall around his mind where he kept his 'Thoughts Involving Castiel Novak', and he wanted Castiel to see the rubble.
Meanwhile, Castiel's eyes had widened, and he gulped. All he could think of was that he had made Dean vulnerable by his own stupidity. It was his own fault for seeming like a spoilt, attention seeking child and he'd forced Dean's feelings out of him. He felt like a jerk, and hung his head, hating to see Dean's imploring green eyes lie on account of a mental tantrum. He sighed, and a wave of nausea rippled through his body.
Dean saw the whole thing and the knife wound stung. He knew he'd have to spell it out for his friend, and he was willing.
"Castiel, listen to me." He said in a soft but stern voice. Castiel's eyes dragged themselves up to his, startled at the use of his full name. "I know you find it hard to believe, but most of the stuff you blame yourself for isn't your fault. Your Father's anger and your mum leaving - none of that is your fault. You may think you have to look after your family by yourself and shoulder every blame thrown at you, both from other people and yourself, but you don't. That's what families are for, to look after each other, not for just one person to do the work. Every little tragedy that happens at your home is not your fault. And guess what, the fact you woke up early this morning lying on me wasn't your fault either, and isn't something you need to be embarrassed about."
Castiel choked on saliva. He hadn't expected that last comment.
"That was my fault." Dean confessed, and the original confident and inspirational tone was replaced with guilt and confession. "You fell asleep and I let you, um… sleep on me." He breathed out an embarrassed sigh as he realised the implications of his act. Castiel frowned and turned away from Dean, leaning on the cool, moist stones of the wall. Dean let his last line sink in and made no attempt to break the silence that was forming.
Castiel's breathing had become shallower, but he recognised it was more from excitement than stress. Somehow, he'd finally come up with an answer for the whole situation that made sense and he didn't dread. Somehow, Dean had just confessed he had deeper rooted feelings than Castiel had given him credit for.
"I'm glad you told me that, Dean." Dean's eyes dropped to the ground in shame before Castiel continued. He was finding it hard to find the right words. "Your feelings make me… happy."
Dean looked up and frowned.
"Happy?" He repeated, his confusion evident in his voice. Castiel turned around to face Dean.
"Yes," And, to prove his point further he added, "I reciprocate."
Dean slowly began to smile at his friend, and nodded. Castiel was glad his bland declaration was understood as he turned back to the calming water before him. He let himself feel content, allowed the storm clouds in his mind and body to float away. He let out a relieved sigh as Dean walked over next to him, looking at his face which looked as relaxed as it had when he had been sleeping. Dean waited, knowing the next move was on Castiel and that if he decided not to make one, he'd be okay with it.
But as the stillness began to settle on Castiel, he began to feel his body tense again. A thunderstorm suddenly lighted his head out of nowhere as he began to realise how little he knew about relationships, and nervousness at what to do next. Uncertainty swelled in his stomach and anxiety ripped through him. He clawed at the wall as his fingers curled into fists and his elbows locked. He gritted his teeth and cursed at himself for not enjoying the sweet feel of nothing in his mind for the brief moment it last.
Something warm and soft covered his hand and he realised Dean was looking at him, his hand on his.
"You okay, buddy?" He asked, his voice riddled with intent and worry. Castiel let out a deep breath that had been held for far too long and relaxed his joints. "I know you've never done this before," Dean said reassuringly, his voice calmer now that Castiel wasn't so tense, "And it's okay."
Dean's simple statement instantly calmed the tumulus typhoon in his stomach and mind, and he focused on breathing calmly and regularly.
"Thank you Dean, I've learnt a lot from you this night." Castiel looked to Dean who was half-smiling at him with admiration. Castiel studied Dean's face in more detail than he had before, now that proximity wasn't an issue. He scanned his light, premature stubble, the sharp curve of his jaw bone, the dip from his cheekbones to his deep, green eyes down the bridge of his nose and finally to his accented lips and paused. It occurred to Castiel he was allowed to do more than just look at the Winchester's handsome features. Uncertainly, he brought a hand up to the back of his head and frowned curiously at Dean's eyes that seemed to also be assessing his features. When Dean made eye contact with him, Castiel's flicked back down to his lips and gently pulled his head forward. Dean didn't hesitate in aiming for Castiel's own pink lips. It was an odd, light kiss that was meant to be entirely experimental for Castiel, but as soon as Dean began to break away, Castiel pulled him back towards him, focusing on the feel of Dean's mouth pressed against his and shattering any sort of barrier built between them. Dean responded immediately, wrapping an arm around Castiel's back to bring him closer to him, twisting his spare fingers through his dark hair. He pulled Castiel's head closer, concentrating on deepening the kiss. Castiel groaned into Dean's mouth, greedily pushing back, any thoughts of uncertainty far from his mind as the closeness he could feel with Dean began to be all that mattered.
Dean gradually pulled away, resting his forehead on Castiel's. They were both panting subtly from their pent up passion.
"We should probably be getting back." He reminded Castiel, appreciating how much more intense and affecting his eyes were up close. Castiel straightened up off Dean and nodded.
"You're right," He agreed, his arm sliding off Dean as they began to walk the way they'd come.
"I'm taking a rain-check on that though…" Dean commented, grinning to himself. Castiel tentatively reached out for Dean's hand and was quickly rewarded, passing under a shadow of a nearby tree. Dean wasn't perturbed by the dark and alien of the town as they returned to Castiel's home; his thoughts was sincere and content, focusing on the warmth of the hand enclosed in his.
"Where the hell have you two been?!" Gabriel shrieked as the pair walked through the door, shrugging off their jackets down the hallway.
"Walking." Castiel offered shortly, hanging his jacket over a chair.
"We've had dessert ready for ages." Anna claimed, pulling a homemade apple pie out of the oven. Dean's face lit up with a huge grin.
"Sammy," He said as his brother joined the conglomeration in the kitchen, "This is the best damn town we've ever been to."
AN: That's it finished. I hope you all enjoyed it! Please leave feedback, it is all appreciated!