In the Middle Before Beginning
Chapter 10
The carriage stopped and Elizabeth studied the house carefully in the dark for a moment. She wanted to find some connection to this place before they entered the building–it was so foreign but now also her home. Or rather, one of her homes.
The impressive townhouse appeared unforgiving and imperious – as though the building was aware of how she had become it's mistress and already disapproved of her. It was beautiful and on one of the most prized streets in London, but she found no sense of belonging as she gazed up at it.
The front door was opened with their approach, and as her eyes adjusted to the candlelit entrance hall, Elizabeth noted that several men and women, clearly the staff, had gathered expecting their arrival. She quickly counted seven women and five men in neat and crisp uniforms. There were a few shy smiles, but most remained passively watching them enter and remove their outer garments - the footman who was handed Elizabeth's shawl seemed to pause when she removed both her bonnet and the muslin cap underneath, but accepted both when she did not hesitate. She understood the man's concern, but was not ready to assume the custom of wearing a cap indoors, even if she was a married woman.
Once he had removed his own things, Mr Darcy gravely introduced the housekeeper, Mrs Barnett – a short but confident looking woman who smiled warmly at Elizabeth, and the butler, Fletcher – a broad-chested elderly man with a sour grimace. Mrs Barnett then called forward two other members of staff – a young lady's maid named Julianna and the cook Mrs Thomas, before dismissing them all.
There was a moment of shared disappointed looks between several maids when they did not get to study their new mistress longer, but all politely bowed before moving to other parts of the house. Elizabeth was grateful that she did not have to learn too many new names at once, but took note that it should be achieved sooner rather than later. There was growing list of tasks she wanted to take on in her first days as mistress, but they could wait for now.
"Shall I have supper brought to the family dining room?" Mrs Barnett asked once the rest had left.
There was a lingering pause before Elizabeth realised that she was being address by the question – not Mr Darcy, she was the mistress now after all. She did not know how to respond - they had dined with the Gardiners at her aunt's insistence, but Elizabeth did not wish to insult the staff with her first act as mistress.
In her hesitation, Mr Darcy quietly suggested, "Perhaps later, I think I shall give Mrs Darcy a tour of the main rooms now."
It had been the first time Elizabeth had been referenced in her new name, and it was strange to hear. There was a brief discussion between Darcy and the housekeeper, before she smiled warmly again and left the room. If Mrs Barnett had noticed any curious behaviour by her new mistress, she was polite enough not to make anything of it. Elizabeth was too preoccupied by not being overwhelmed to care for the housekeeper's opinion in that moment.
With the room cleared Elizabeth was better able to take in the interiors of her new home - the entrance hall was much roomier than the same space at her uncle's house, and was styled with elegance and modesty, filled mainly with two curving staircases heading up to the first floor. Through the staircases the room opened wider and several doorways could be seen, while above them the landing of the second floor was also in view, encircling the perimeter of the room.
In such an open space, the closeness of Mr Darcy made her suddenly aware that they were alone - and while they had been unaccompanied for much of the day, the lateness of the hour made that arrangement more intimidating. Elizabeth did her best not to let her skittish nerves show, they were likely to be alone together frequently as husband and wife.
Mr Darcy silently guided her through the main rooms on the ground floor first, offering only comments or information when Elizabeth requested, and allowing her to explore each room at her leisure. There was a cold but beautiful sitting room looking out the front, with a large dining room attached to it. Across the hall, along what seemed to be the length of the house was a long room that was half library and half drawing room - a space that had the feeling of being more frequently occupied than the others. The last room that she saw on the ground floor, a conservatory, had large windows and doors which Mr Darcy explained led to a garden, though not much was visible in the dark.
Together they went up the stairs and Elizabeth noted that another set of staircases spiraled up from the second floor. With four stories above ground, the town house which she already estimated as larger than the Gardiner's home, was clearly more immense than it appeared from the street.
On the first floor a larger drawing room faced the front of the house, with a small but beautiful piano in one corner and plenty of room for a moderate sized party, though it did not appear to have entertained guests recently. While all of the rooms were stately and clean, all furnishings were tasteful and premium quality, the design had not likely been updated in the last decade and there was a feel as though the rooms rarely saw company beyond the residents and staff. Adjoined to the drawing room were several smaller chambers and a study, which Mr Darcy claimed as his preferred work space. It contained mainly bookshelves and one large desk neatly organised with papers and necessary tools, reflecting the severity of the master with it's lack of personal affects. At the back of the house Mr Darcy indicated several bedrooms which were kept for guests before he led Elizabeth up the next set of stairs, these more tucked away as they led to the private areas of the house.
On the landing of the second floor they did not enter any rooms - instead Mr Darcy paused with an odd look. This level of the house was more closed off with a long, though wide corridor running the length of the house, with a staircase in the middle and a void above the entrance hall. Elizabeth waited, curious but patient. After clearing his throat, Darcy indicated the next set of stairs.
"The attic," he explained, "has two main sections - you may wish to see later - some of the servants quarters, as well as a nursery and schoolroom."
"Yes," Elizabeth agreed, understanding why he seemed so interested in the carpet design. She allowed herself only this, as he appeared not to have finished the tour.
Mr Darcy now indicated the doors which led to rooms facing the front of the house, "those are the family bed chambers. The one of the left is Georgiana's," and then he shifted to look at the back of the house. "Our rooms are down here."
He walked stiffly towards two doors which were opposite each other and opened one, but did not enter. Instead he stepped back and clasped his hands behind his back. "This is your suite."
Elizabeth stepped through the doorway and gazed about the room. Like the rest it was immaculately kept and arranged. Soft yellow walls and curtains with dainty designs had been freshened to welcome her, though the style she guessed was not as contemporary as what she had seen in other houses.
She did not mind dated decor unlike so many other women of her own acquaintance. Even Mrs Bennet was always bemoaning how out of style Longbourn was, as the family rarely could afford to update wall papers or room dressings. Still, Elizabeth had expected the house owned by the Darcys to be kept with modern fashions, much in the way that Miss Bingley and other young ladies had admired. As a bachelor, Mr Darcy had not been as concerned with his properties in this way, and Georgiana Darcy had rarely made suggestions for improvements, having more interest in her music and other pursuits than re-decorating.
The main item in Elizabeth's room was a large bed - but there were a pair of matching bedside tables, a dressing table with a looking glass above it and a small chair in front of it, and a comfortable looking lounge under one window. Despite the number of items, the room was spacious. There was no armoire, but as Elizabeth could see several doors leading from the room, she suspected one might be a dressing room. Several items of her own had already been laid out, but the few articles seemed out of place and there was no attachment even in this space for her, no evidence of personality. She was suddenly filled with a longing for her cramped bedroom in Longbourn and the evenings when she or Jane would visit the other for candle-lit confessions.
Mr Darcy spoke from behind her, making Elizabeth turn and note the closeness of their positions once more. As they had moved about the house there had been a strange ebb and flow to their movements, coming together to move to a new room, separating as she briefly explored while he patiently waited. Now neither moved, standing almost in the doorway together. All thought of her old life was swept away by his proximity.
"My suite." He stated, indicating the door opposite her own. Both kept their features neutral, though now his gaze remained firmly on hers. He then turned and gestured to the door at the back of the house which ended the hallway. "And that is a smaller sitting room, which connects our suites."
He felt some relief that the tour was over and satisfaction in completing such a ordinary task without tension. Elizabeth did not share his ease, conscious of what they might now do. Standing so close to Mr Darcy, in the semi-darkness, at the threshold of her bedroom, heightened her awareness of him, of the new rules that would govern their conduct, of the privacy they were now given. Not quite knowing why, she simultaneously wanted to step forward towards him, and backwards away from him. She chose the latter, not waiting to know if he was expecting an invitation from her into the bedchamber, she turned back into the room and moved away.
She walked purposely through her room to the door which she suspected led to the sitting room and he did not follow. Beyond the door, Elizabeth found a cheerful space which was almost the width of the house - it might have been smaller than other rooms of the house, but it was not a small sitting room by the standards of Longbourn or the Gardiner's home. This room was different to the others in the town house though, there was a easiness to this space that she had little felt in the rest of the house. Several lounges were arranged around a fireplace, a dining set which seated five near it. On the other side of the room was a tidy desk, some shelves and the door she knew was likely to led to Mr Darcy's bed chamber. He entered though the middle door though, from the hallway and stood to one side as he had in the others.
If only to delay what she thought would be inevitable, Elizabeth continued to act decisively and rang for a servant. One of the maids promptly appeared and the tea things were requested. While they waited, she inspected the folios left out on the desk, finding papers about the household accounts and staff that she would claim for reading later. Mr Darcy took a seat on one the lounges and there was silence between them, though unlike in the weeks of their acquaintance, it had no air of awkwardness. Elizabeth would not have described it as comfortable either, rather she felt some tremor of expectation, though Darcy appeared now quite at ease. After a few minutes Mrs Barnett appeared with the house maid and trays of food and drink and Elizabeth felt a rush of relief with a familiar task to complete. She prepared Mr Darcy a cup, noting then that she did not even know how he preferred the drink. Her hands hovering over the cup, she looked up to ask and found him watching her intently.
"One sugar with no milk," he requested at her expectant look and she then offered him the plates of prepared sandwiches and sweets. Neither were hungry, so these were left as they were. As they drank in the silence Elizabeth thought over the oddity of it all - the dinner at the Gardiner's had surreal enough. While the gentlemen had acted as though there was some agreement between them not to acknowledge this shift their combined worlds, almost to the point of Mr Darcy being ignored, Mrs Gardiner had made every effort to engage Mr Darcy in conversation. On departing the Gracechurch Street house - there had again been unspoken notice by all present of the adjustment needed - Elizabeth would be living with Mr Darcy now, how strange that still felt as she sat across from him. To distract herself from the oddity of the moment or the nerves she felt waiting for Mr Darcy to continue the evening as expected, Elizabeth studied the painting above the fireplace.
It was a beautiful piece, a landscape of green fields and deep blue skies, with a few lines of soft white clouds trailing here and there. In the foreground appeared some sort of rose garden, and on the right edge, Elizabeth thought the gentle sloping shore of a lake was partly hidden by the frame. There had been other pieces of art and decor in the house, but this was different - not in style for it was finished by a skilled artist, yet it seemed more personal than the rest, more likely to be hung for sentimental than financial worth.
"That painting is captivating," Elizabeth commented to the silence, drawing Mr Darcy's attention from his own thoughts of how next best to proceed. He followed her gaze up to the artwork and studied it for a moment himself.
"My mother painted it," he finally responded, a softness appearing in his eyes as they swept over the details. Elizabeth looked to him now, but he kept his eyes on the painting. "It was from her favourite spot in the gardens, at Pemberley."
"It is lovely," Elizabeth added, setting her cup down and standing to get a closer look at the painting.
From the corner of her eye, she noticed that Mr Darcy now looked at her, and she felt her stomach tighten as his admiring gaze swept over her again. After several moments, Mr Darcy set his cup down and his features shifted into a moderate demeanor. "Are you not tired? I often keep late hours, and am likely to tonight, with no expectation that you will as well. You should retire."
Though she could not account for it, a wave of annoyance washed over her. Nodding, with what she hoped was a polite smile, she stepped towards her bedroom, unsure of how to proceed. It was strange to act so formal - if not for her exasperation a moment earlier, she would have laugh at the absurdity of the moment. The customary curtsy farewell was too formal, a handshake too foreign, and any other contact between them too confronting. Never would she have thought she would struggle to wish her husband good night.
She settled for simply nodding and quietly saying good night, while he watched her slip through the doorway, now a bleakness in the eyes that at fondly gazed over her moments earlier. In the dimness of her room relief settled over her, at the release for any expectation of marital union. She rang for the lady's maid, who appeared so promptly, Elizabeth thought she had been waiting in the servants corridor. The girl - Julianna, smiled timidly and had clearly been preparing for her mistress. She efficiently and silently assisted Elizabeth dress for bed and take her hair out of the elaborate style Charlotte had created that morning. Juliana had picked a night dress and wrapper that Elizabeth was sure she did not own, though she supposed that they belonged to her now.
At the maid's exit, Elizabeth was physically ready for bed, but felt too unsettled to rest, and there was little in the room to amuse her. She dared not return to the sitting room while she thought Mr Darcy remained in there, but the thick carpeted floors and heavy wood of the doors subdued any footfall or movement. She waited, pacing in her chamber, arranging and re-arranging the belongings that were familiar and noting more items in the dressing room and armoire that were likely purchased for her. It seemed that near half hour had passed since she had left the sitting room, and then she heard the sound of a door closing across the hall.
Spurred on by the likeliness that this was Mr Darcy retreating to his suite, she entered the sitting room and discovered her error. Mr Darcy was in the same position, having just shut the door on his own entrance. He shifted in his position and both stared awkwardly at each other for a moment. Elizabeth instinctively gathered the wrapper around her front, very aware of the informality of both their appearances. Mr Darcy had removed his waist-coat and cravat, leaving his shirt slightly open at the neck and his normally neat hair was ruffled enough to relax his features. His surprised look shifted involuntarily as he took in Elizabeth's appearance, with her hair curling prettily around her shoulders and the few layers of her night dress. Desire became so evident in his gaze that Elizabeth had to look away and felt the warmth of her blush, almost as though the heat from his eyes burned her skin. Nerves bubbled through Elizabeth as she felt herself in danger, she was his wife - marital intimacy was widely accepted though not spoken of.
Mrs Bennet had explained it just so, that a lady would prepare and do her duty (after a marriage had taken place of course) on all and any night that her husband might chose. The conversation Elizabeth could recall easily, as it had taken place only a few years earlier, when Mrs Bennet had thought Jane was soon to be married to a handsome gentleman (not Mr Bingley, but who was a great disappointment as well). Mrs Bennet was nothing if not efficient, and chose to explain such matters to both Jane and Elizabeth at the same time. Before this Elizabeth had some understanding of the mechanics of marital intimacy, having grown up in the country, but the expectations and civilities had then been introduced to her as the duty of a wife, yet she could not accept them, even if she found her husband's relaxed appearance to be quite handsome.
"I had just thought," she stammered, "to find a book, to read, before bed."
Her explanation felt foolish but was enough to draw Mr Darcy's attention from surveying her figure. The passion dimmed but did not entirely leave his eyes and he turned to the desk where the books were sitting. "There may be some here that will suit your interest."
Elizabeth waited as he picked up several books and offered them to her. Taking two, she thanked him.
"Well," Mr Darcy finally said, "I will wish you a peaceful night's rest."
Elizabeth moved again to leave the room but at the door she paused and turned back, curious now. He had remained in position, watching her go, heat in his eyes.
"I had thought," Elizabeth hesitated, then swallowed any discomfort, choosing instead to rekindle her courage. "I thought that you would request to..."
Despite her daring, she had no surety in how to speak such matters aloud. How to broach such as subject without meaning an invitation to such actions. She indicated her door, and finished feebly, "we are married..."
Darcy was torn. Her current appearance filled him with a hunger he had never felt before, he had used all of his will power to not act on the feeling, and now she tempted him further. But he were certain that she wouldn't want such intimacies, despite his right to them. He hoped, rather than believed, that this might change with time.
"Do you wish me to come to your chamber Elizabeth?" His voice was raw with desire and emotion, but he felt no shame in it. He would be vulnerable for her now, because his remoteness had gained him nothing but her refusal.
Elizabeth wavered at this - how to refuse without actually refusing? She did not want to risk hurting him with a straight negative, but she was also not ready. She might have told her aunt and sister that she was prepared to perform any necessary wifely duties but that had not been in this moment. Her silence was enough of a reply though.
"I will not ask of you, what you are not willing to give of yourself," he stated quietly. "I hope that you might desire such intimacies - not just offer out of obligation." He tempered his passion - not entirely, but enough to make his point.
Elizabeth made a hasty decision then, to attempt a venture, if only to improve her own understanding of her feelings on the subject. Appreciating his regard for her own position, she could not stand for such a parting when she was aware of his clear desire, and had felt some attraction herself. She stepped forward, slowly and carefully as she had only days earlier and placed both hands on his chest, rising up on her toes to brush her lips against his.
When she didn't immediately flee, as she had before, Darcy found enough encouragement to lightly wrap his arms around her and strengthen the kiss with soft pressure, using all of his restraint to keep his embrace tender. Through the thin cloth of her night clothes Elizabeth felt his warm hands pressing against her back in a manner than felt more intimate than any touch to that place before. The thrill of her touch excited his passion of course, and now she leaned into him, one of her hands gingerly moving up to find the opening of his shirt, Darcy felt himself in danger of losing his hard earned control.
It was unclear who might have initiated a further deepening of the kiss, but when Elizabeth feared she would drown in the sensation of it all, she stepped back. Almost out of his arms but not entirely, Darcy's hands slide from her back to linger lightly on her own arms. She stood breathing deeply and studying the carpet to recollect her thoughts. Elizabeth was filled with confusion, she had not thought that such an intimate act with Mr Darcy could be so overwhelmingly pleasant - she almost wanted it to be unpleasant. Darcy had thought such happiness or affection impossible that morning, and though he wished for more, was content with such an embrace for now. He reigned in any impulse he felt but kept hold of her, as though to convince himself that this was not an illusion.
Once she had cleared her mind and her heart at stopped pounding, Elizabeth offered Darcy a small smile, whispered good night and went to her room.
A/N: Hey! Hoping no one hated that this chapter was longer than usual. I could have added more detail, but feared making it too long. Thanks for reading and feel free to leave me a review :)