CHAPTER 197

LAST TIME, JOHNNY CONTINUED TO FIGHT FOR HIS MAIN CHARACTER STATUS, KANDA'S HAIR MADE HIM KILL PEOPLE (MOSTLY ALMA), FO WAS REVEALED TO BE AN INEFFECTUAL POKÉMON, AND ALLEN CONTINUED TO FORCE HIS WAY INTO BEING THE CENTER OF ATTENTION ALWAYS, EVEN IF IT MEANT RISKING HIS OWN LIFE. OH, AND IT WAS REVEALED THAT LITERALLY EVERYONE IN DGM IS ALLENSEXUAL. EVEN THE EARL. ESPECIALLY THE EARL, IN FACT.

AS A SIDE NOTE, IF YOU GUYS DON'T STOP LEAVING REVIEWS ASKING ME WHERE YOU CAN READ DGM NOW THAT ONEMANGA IS GONE, I AM GOING TO CHOKE A BITCH. I AM NOT FUCKING WIKIPEDIA. GOOGLE IT. NOW BACK TO YOUR SCHEDULED SUMMARY.

THE COVER IS A GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE "WHAT" YOU ARE ABOUT TO EXPERIENCE THIS CHAPTER, DEPICTING GIGANTOR-TIMCANPY FACING OFF AGAINST TOTALLY-NOT-A-CATFISH GOLEM WITH ALLEN STUCK IN THE MIDDLE. APPARENTLY THAT'S HIS NEW THING. BE PREPARED FOR MANY AN ALLEN-SANDWICH IN THE FUTURE.

ALLEN: *BLOCKS KANDA'S ATTACK, FOR SOME REASON* ALMA, COULD YOU MOVE? SOMETHING IS POKING MY BACK.

ALMA: SORRY, I'M JUST REALLY HAPPY TO SEE YU.

ALLEN:… PLEASE TELL ME THAT'S NOT—

ALMA: IT IS MY PENIS.

KANDA'S HAIR: HOW DARE YOU GET IN MY WAY, MORTAL?

ALLEN: WELL YOU KNOW, MAIN CHARACTER AND ALL THAT. CAN'T HAVE A MAJOR PLOT POINT WITHOUT ME SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF IT! YOU ARE ALL NOTHING WITHOUT ME. NOTHING.

KANDA'S HAIR: YOUR ATTENTION WHORING DISPLEASES ME.

ALLEN: TOO BAD. WHY ARE YOU ATTACKING ALMA WITH THAT CRAZYFACE, ANYWAY?

KANDA'S HAIR: DID YOU MISS THAT HE WAS TRYING TO KILL ME?

ALLEN: WELL YEAH, BUT… OKAY MAYBE THAT WAS A STUPID QUESTION.

KANDA'S HAIR: *ATTACKS*

SOMEONE, MAYBE RENEE (PLZ REMEMBER HOW TO DRAW HOSHINO): YU'S HAIR HAS TURNED LIGHT PURPLE? [ACTUAL LINE]

ZHU: … APPARENTLY. LOOKS LIKE HOSHINO'S LOVE AFFAIR WITH PURPLE FINALLY LEAKED INTO THE ACTUAL MANGA.

RENEE: THAT'S… PRETTY GAY.

ZHU: OH YEAH, THIS IS THE LAST STRAW THAT TIPS US INTO GAY TERRITORY. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THIS ARC?

RENEE: COME ON, PURPLE? REALLY?

ZHU: PERSONALLY I BLAME THE RAP MUSIC. KANDA, YOUR HAIR IS GOING TO KILL YOU! IT'S DANGEROUSLY FABULOUS!

KANDA'S HAIR: ACTUALLY I'M KILLING ALMA RIGHT NOW *STABS* AND DAMN IT FEELS GOOD TO SAY IT.

ALLEN: NO, KANDA! YOU CAN'T KILL HIM! NO ONE DIES IN DGM! *BLOODSPURT*

REEVER: OMG, KANDA'S TRYING TO KILL ALLEN!

JOHNNY: THIS IS SURPRISING HOW…?

ALMA'S AFTERBIRTH POD THING: *SHOCKS PEOPLE*

BAK: HOLD OUT JUST A LITTLE LONGER, POKEBALL! WAIT THAT JOKE DOESN'T MAKE SENSE ANYMORE.

FO: DON'T FALL HERE, BAK! IF YOU FALL HERE, IT'S THE END FOR EVERYONE!

BAK: REALLY?

ALLEN: THE HELL IT IS! I'M THE MAIN HERO HERE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

TYKI: *ATTACKING FO* I NEED MORE LINES.

OTHER NOAH: STFU. AT LEAST HOSHINO REMEMBERED THAT YOU'RE HERE.

ALLEN: OW, MY CHILD-BEARING HIPS ARE IN PAIN *DOES… SOMETHING WITH HIS LEGS, I DON'T EVEN. SERIOUSLY, LOOK AT HIS POSE ON PAGE 10*

ALMA: *BLASTS A GIGANTIC HOLE THROUGH KANDA'S ABDOMEN WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THIS DBZ DOING IN MY DGM* JUST GIVE UP!

KANDA'S HAIR: SEE, THIS. THIS IS WHY I'M ATTACKING HIM.

ALMA: DIEDIEDIE

ALLEN: *BLOCKS HIM LIKE ONLY A SHY MIDDLE SCHOOLER ON HIS FIRST DATE KNOWS HOW, INTERLOCKING THEIR FINGERS*

ALMA: UM.

ALLEN: YOU WERE THERE FOR THAT FLASHBACK TOO, RIGHT? I MEAN, THE ENTIRE POINT WAS FOR YOU TO SEE IT, I JUST KIND OF TAGGED ALONG FOR THE RIDE (A MISTAKE, IN RETROSPECT). SO CAN'T YOU FORGIVE KANDA?

ALMA: WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP HOLDING MY HAND?

KANDA'S HAIR: *FALLS TOWARDS THEM*

ALLEN: KAN-AUGH! *CAUGHT BY TENTACLE-TAIL THING* ALMA WHAT THE HELL?

ALMA: ISN'T IT NICE THAT WE'VE GOTTEN TO A POINT WHERE TENTACLE RAPE IS A MUST FOR EVERY CHAPTER?

EVERYONE EXCEPT SHERYL: NO.

ALMA: SO WHO THE HELL ARE YOU ANYWAY?

ALLEN: NGH, CHASTE HERO.

ALMA: WELL YOU SUCK AT BOTH PARTS OF THAT. I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YU, AS LONG AS HE LIVES—

BRIGHT FLASH OF LIGHT: *HAPPENS, FOR NO REASON I CAN DISCERN*

ALMA: *GASP*

ALLEN: WHAT?

ALMA: *SUDDENLY HAS A BALL/TATTOO WHERE HIS HEART SHOULD BE*

ALLEN: WHAT?

EARL: HIS REGENERATIVE ABILITY IS BREAKING DOWN.

ALLEN: WHY?

EARL: WELL WE JUST THREW HIM TOGETHER WITH SHIT WE HAD LAYING AROUND, SO, YOU KNOW. HE JUST GOT A POWER BOOST FROM THE EGG IS ALL.

ALLEN: YOU SUCK AT EXPOSITION, I'M STILL CONFUSED.

EARL: YOU KNOW… ALMA IS KARMA, RIGHT? [WORD FOR WORD, PEOPLE]

ALLEN: … WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

EARL: LOOK KID I DON'T WRITE THE SCRIPT. IT MAKES SENSE, TRUST ME.

ALMA: STFU, EARL! I'M FINE!

ALLEN: I THINK THAT YOUR HEART MIGHT BE FALLING OUT. IN A COMPLETELY LITERAL WAY.

ALMA: TIS MERELY A FLESH WOUND. I JUST HAVE TO KILL YU!

ALLEN: WHY?

ALMA: DO NOT QUESTION MY MOTIVES.

KANDA'S HAIR: *ATTACKS* RARGH

ALLEN: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

KANDA'S HAIR: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

ALLEN: *HOLDING ALMA BRIDAL STYLE (I WISH I WAS MAKING THIS UP)* I'M STEALIN' UR WOMAN!

KANDA'S HAIR: YOU BASTARD! PUT HIM DOWN THIS INSTANT SO I CAN KILL HIM!

ALLEN: NO, YOU'RE CLOSING OFF YOUR FEELINGS! RUNNING FROM THE PAST, REFUSING TO FACE HIM MAN TO MAN!

KANDA'S HAIR: STOP TRYING TO TURN THIS INTO A LIFETIME MOVIE AND LET ME KILL HIM.

ALLEN: WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM?

KANDA'S HAIR: FOR THE LOVE OF— FINE, YOU WANT A STUPID CONTEST? I SEE YOUR CHICK FLICK LOGIC AND RAISE YOU A CHAOJI LOGIC! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

ALLEN: WHAT—

KANDA'S HAIR: ALLYOURFAULT.

ALLEN: *RAEG FACE*

KANDA: *REAG-ER FACE*

BOTH: *FIGHT*

KANDA: YOU DON'T KNOW ME! NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HOW I FEEL!

ALLEN: WHAT ARE WE FIGHTING OVER AGAIN?

KANDA: I DON'T KNOW!

JOHNNY: SERIOUSLY GUYS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

ALLEN: IT'S ALMOST LIKE THIS WAS ALL A CHEAP EXCUSE TO HAVE US DO BATTLE.

ALMA: *WEAKLY*HEY, THAT'S MY… FIGHT…

ALLEN: YOU SNOOZE YOU LOSE, MY SCREEN TIME NOW.

ALMA: LIKE HELL *SPIRIT GUNS*

ALLEN: GAH WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP ATTACKING ME?

KANDA'S HAIR: MAYBE BECAUSE YOU KEEP FORCING YOURSELF INTO EVERY FUCKING FIGHT. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!

ALLEN: *MUTTER* BITE ME.

ALMA: *SOBCRY* GIVE ME SYMPATHY!

ALLEN: I GIVE YOU SYMPATHY!

KANDA'S HAIR: I DO NOT! *STABS ALLEN**PICTURE THE MOST HOMOEROTIC WAY THIS COULD BE PORTRAYED. IT'S WORSE*

ALLEN: OH THE PAIN. THIS WAS ALL SO AVOIDABLE!

EVERYONE: *SHOCK*

EARL: *ORGASMS*

ALLEN: LOOK AT ALMA'S FACE! LOOK AT HOW SAD HE IS! HE LOOKS VERY SORRY ABOUT ALL OF THIS.

KANDA'S HAIR: *BEGINS TO SUBSIDE*

ALLEN: I AM… I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT MY POINT IS ANYMORE *GOES ALL NOAH**PUSHES KANDA AWAY LIKE A PIMP**FALLS OVER, KIND OF DEAD LOOKING*

KANDA: THAT WAS… SUCH A POINTLESS SACRIFICE.

ALLEN: (SHUT UP IT'S DRAMATIC).

ALMA: *PREPARES TO ATTACK*

KANDA: WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE BASICALLY WHERE WE WERE WHEN THIS CHAPTER BEGAN, PLUS A DEAD NOAH BEANSPROUT. NOT BAD FOR A DAY'S WORK.

ALMA: HEY, HIS SACRIFICE HAD MEANING. IF IT WEREN'T FOR HIM CONSTANTLY GETTING IN THE WAY OF OUR ATTACKS, THIS BATTLE MIGHT HAVE ENDED! THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE?

KANDA: PROGRESSING THE PLOT?

ALMA: MOVING TOWARD THE END OF THIS ARC, THAT'S WHERE. DO I LOOK LIKE I'M GOING TO BE A RECURRING CHARACTER TO YOU?

KANDA: NO.

ALMA: NO. THIS IS MY ONE CHANCE AT SCREEN TIME BEFORE BEING WRITTEN OUT. AND WHERE WOULD THIS MANGA BE WITHOUT MY CHARACTER? SIGNIFICANTLY LESS GAY, THAT'S WHERE. HIS WAS A NOBLE SACRIFICE.

KANDA: *PUNTS ALLEN'S CORPSE*

END.

OH, AND BECAUSE I KNOW YOU'LL ASK, I READ THE CHAPTER ON MANGAHEAD (DOT) COM . BE WARNED THOUGH, IT TRIED TO GIVE ME A MILLION VIRUSES. DON'T READ IT UNLESS YOU HAVE REALLY GOOD PROTECTION. THE CHAPTER IS NOW ALSO UP ON MANGASTREAM, BUT THE TRANSLATION IS A LOT DIFFERENT. I DOUBT THIS CHAPTER MAKES ANY SENSE EITHER WAY THOUGH, SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.