Emily was waiting with Amanda in the parking lot of Chuck E. Cheese when she got a text from JJ.
Hey, I don't know if you're still in the hearing, but Hotch called a meeting for 3pm if you can make it.
Although she had gotten over the initial shock of Hotch being Amanda's godfather, she realized that her friends were not yet privy to that little nugget of information. Oh well, it was just one more thing to explain to the team that afternoon. She quickly replied with 'Okay, see you then,' before exiting the car and releasing Amanda from her seat so they could meet up with Aaron and Jack, who had just arrived.
They checked Jack and Amanda into the kids' gaming area and watched them for a while before finding a booth, each taking a seat on one of the benches so they were facing each other. Hotch ordered a pepperoni pizza from the young waitress and waited for her to leave before focusing his attention on Emily.
"So… how are you doing with all of this? I know you've had a lot happen in your life in the past few days."
He studied her intently and she had the distinct feeling that he was breaking the ban on inter-team profiling right at that moment. But for some reason, she found that for once she didn't really mind it all that much. Maybe it was because she had a feeling her relationship with Hotch – or rather, with Aaron – had changed so much in the past 4 hours. Or maybe it was because she was feeling awfully overwhelmed and confused at the changes her life had suddenly taken. All she really knew is that she was tired of trying to compartmentalize everything, and for once she'd like to actually talk about it. And in that moment, his profiling her would probably make it easier for her to sort out everything she was feeling and thinking. Well, except perhaps her feelings for him. She wasn't sure what they were yet, but she did know that it was way too soon and there was way too much going on in her life at that moment for her really to contemplate why she was starting to feel so comfortable and safe around him. And not just safe physically – that had always been there – but safe emotionally, which is something she hardly ever felt around anyone. She had learned it the hard way a long time ago that she shouldn't trust people with her feelings. It usually ended up badly, with her coming out more damaged on the other side of the relationship than she was going into it. But she just knew, instinctively, that Hotch wouldn't hurt her that way, at least not intentionally. So after a long moment of contemplating this, during which he waited patiently for her to answer, she decided to let him in.
"Well, I guess saying I'm overwhelmed doesn't even begin to cover it. I don't even know how I'm supposed to be feeling right now. I mean, I'm happy – ecstatic really – that Amanda is gonna live with me and I'll have this wonderful chance to build a relationship with her. But at the same time I feel really sad that she lost her mother and that I never got to meet my sister. And I still feel angry and just betrayed that my mother never even told me I had a sister until it was too late. And then I just feel completely unprepared. I'm literally terrified that I'm going to screw this up. I don't have the slightest idea how to be a good parent. And then there's just so many things that need to be taken care of that I'm worried I'm going to forget something important or we're gonna be called out on a case before I get the chance to even get her settled in at my place and find someone to watch her while we're away. And I'm worried that when I do end up having to leave her for a case that she's going to think I'm abandoning her. And I'm concerned because I know that it's only been a few days since Amanda lost her parents and I don't think it's really hit her yet and I think it's just a matter of time before it does, ya know? I just want to help her, but I don't think I know how."
Emily finally fell quiet after spilling all of that, feeling both relieved to just have it all out there and at the same time worried that Hotch was going to think she was a neurotic mess – because she definitely felt like one. She was on the verge of tears – she had been pretty much all day – but she didn't want to break down in front of Hotch. He may have been really supportive so far that day, but he was still her supervisor and she didn't want him thinking she was weak. After all, she had a reputation to uphold, right?
Just as she suspected, Hotch was profiling her, noting the way she was avoiding eye contact with him, and he knew how close she was to just breaking down and crying it all out. He also could tell how hard she was trying to hold back from doing so and instinctively knew he was the reason why she was doing it, too.
"You know Emily, you're a great agent and nothing you say or do right now is going to change my opinion on that. You're also really great with kids – I've seen you on cases before where we have to deal with children – and even though it's going to be difficult at first, I promise you it will get easier. And once you get into the swing of things and establish a routine with Amanda, things will go a lot more smoothly. But you have to stop compartmentalizing everything you're feeling and you have to start dealing with it. Considering everything that's happened, I would think it's perfectly natural for you to have conflicting emotions."
Hotch paused for a moment, debating over his next words, which came out a lot quieter than his previous ones. "As for dealing with a grieving child, well it's not easy. I still struggle with knowing what to do when Jack starts crying for Hailey." Hearing his voice thick with emotion, Emily finally made eye contact with Aaron, feeling for a moment like she was intruding on a private moment of his grief. But he pushed through the emotion and continued. "All I think you can really do in those moments is be there for them, hold them, let them know it's normal to miss them, and don't shy away from talking about them. Remind her that her parents loved her and they didn't leave her voluntarily." By the time Hotch finished talking, the tears were streaming down Emily's face. She cried for everything that she had lost and gained in a matter of a few days, but she also cried for Hotch because she could tell how hard it was for him to discuss his struggles since Hailey had died. And while she felt honored that he was willing to open up to her about that, it made her sad to think about how much he and Jack were still hurting.
As all of this made its way through her mind, she was literally sobbing at the table, her face in her hands, completely unable to reign in her emotions again. Hotch got up from the bench and moved over to her side of the table, gathering her in his arms. He held her and let her cry it out, running a hand up and down her back to soothe her.
"Emily, you're not alone in this. You don't have to do it all by yourself, alright?. I'll be there to support you and I want to stay a part of Mandy's life and the team will be there to support you, too. Okay?"
She nodded and by the time the waitress brought their pizza ten minutes later, she had quit crying and was mopping up her face with a tissue from her purse to make herself presentable again. Hotch, who had moved back over to his side of the table once her crying had stopped, went to fetch the kids from the play area to eat, and by the time they returned, the only tell-tale signs of her crying was her red eyes and the wetness still on Hotch's light blue button-up shirt.