The axe was huge, rough-edged, and scarred by who knows how many fights, with a dense and knotted wooden handle. Kuina kind of liked how brutal and no-nonsense it was. The thing looked like it could cleave the entire ship in half.

The girl called Nojiko raised it high into the air.

Oh. Oh, crap. She was going to cleave the ship in half.

"Hey! Wait wait wait!" Ace jumped forward just as Nojiko swung the ax, and he slapped the blade in between his palms. It screeched to a stop inches above his hat. "What're you doing!? Don't hurt Merry! We just got her from Merry!"

Nojiko laughed, a huge, bright sound. Drops of water fell from her heavy leather gloves, tank top and cargo shorts - she must have swum up to the ship and climbed on. A garish metal armor piece glistened on her shoulder. "You don't talk sense, kid! I like ya! Tell me, who's the captain 'round here?"

"I am! My name is Ace! It's nice to meet you, Nojiko!"

He bowed. The girl snorted.

"That's Nojiko the Juggernaut to you, Captain Ace. I'm every pirate's worst nightmare! Now if you don't hand over all your treasure in thirty seconds, this ship is sinkin'!"

Ace threw his hands up. "Our treasure? No! It's ours, of course you can't have it!" he cried.

The ax whistled at his midsection. He hopped over it easily. Kaya screamed again.

"Then say g'bye to your ship, pirates!"

"Oh dear, oh dear," Kaya gasped. "Um, Nojiko - it's Nojiko, right? Why don't we sit down and discuss this peacefully? I'm sure we..."

"Aw, shut your yapper," said Nojiko.

"You shut it," Kuina growled, sword raised.

"Oh, please - must we turn the violence as our first resort?" Kaya groaned.

"She started it," Kuina retorted.

Ace tossed his hat to Kaya, who caught it with a resigned little sigh. He cracked his knuckles, first the right hand, then the left. "Hey, Nojiko! What's a jogger-not? Is it strong? You want to fight?"

"Chyeah it's strong! Stronger'n you lot altogether, I reckon. So gimme the treasure!"

"No way! I'll beat you up!"

Nojiko smirked. She whirled the ax deftly in her hands. "You're bonkers, kid. Alright! Gimme your best shot!"

"Okay." He pulled a fist back. It erupted in flames. "Mera Mera no POW!"

It was actually funny how far Nojiko's eyes bugged out. For half a second she was dead frozen; then she lunged forward and threw herself flat on the ground. The ball of fire soared over her head and fizzed out a couple feet behind her.

She leaped to her feet and thrust the ax between her and Ace.

"What in sam hill was that!?" she howled.

"That was my best shot. It's Mera Mera no Pow!" Ace explained. "And this next one isn't really a shot, but it's really awesome! It's called Mera Mera no Shzhoooom!"

He rocketed forward, flames shooting out his back, and missed Nojiko by a whole two feet. He would have gone sailing straight on into the sea if Kuina hadn't grabbed his pants and yanked him back - good thing his belt was tight.

"Ahhh, I missed! This move is hard to control, wow."

Kuina smacked him in the head. "Then get better at controlling it, or don't use it on the ship! I can't catch you every time, idiot."

"Mera Mera no what!?" Nojiko waved her hands wildly. "You ain't answerin' the question! Where's that fire comin' from!?"

Ace laughed, the ends of his black hair turning into bright red flame and curling in all directions. "It's me, it's all me! I ate the Mera Mera devil's fruit. I'm made of fire!"

"A devil's fruit? You're kiddin'!"

"But it's true!"

The girl's huckleberry eyes sparked up. Suddenly a childish liveliness came into her face, and she was glowing, just like Kaya had glowed when she stepped on board Merry for the first time, just like Ace glowed every freaking time he smiled. She wasn't scared by the fire; it was more like she was drawn to it. "Well I'll be - where'dya find somethin' like that?"

"Shanks gave it to me. I mean I kind of accidentally ate it, but yeah. He found it in the Grand Line!"

"Grand Line? No! That the big blue line 'round the belly of the globe?"

"Yeah, that's the one! We're headed to it right now, and we're going to find One Piece at the end of it, and I'm going to be the Pirate King!"

"Are you now? Why, that's just golden." A sloppy grin spread over her face. "Ain't that just golden. They got fire fruits and Pirate Kings in the Grand Line! What's in this world that they haven't got?"

The sound of a whistle cut shrilly through the air. Nojiko jumped, and looked side to side guiltily.

"Hey, Nojiko!" a voice called from the side of the ship. It was that orange-haired girl again, waving up at her partner from the little white skiff. She'd already sailed a couple yards out from Merry. "I cleaned 'em out! You can go wild, now - have fun!"

"Oh. Right." Nojiko smacked herself. She actually did it hard enough to leave a pink mark on her cheek - Kuina was impressed. "Catch ya later, Nami!"

"Who's that?" Ace asked.

"My little sister. Cute, ain't she?" The wild, cocky smile was back in place on Nojiko's full lips. She squared her shoulders and lifted her chin. "Right now she's makin' away with your entire booty, an' after thirty more seconds I'm gonna sink your ship, an' y'all suckers are screwed six ways to Sunday! Warn't I a good distraction?"

Kuina stared at her. "You what!?"

"A distraction?" Kaya looked just as confused, but then her eyes widened, and she looked out at the skiff and pointed. "Those bags - in the skiff. They weren't there before."

Nami opened one of the three bulging bags and let a few pieces of jewelry tumble out. She spread herself out on top regally. The skiff bobbed steadily further away, safely out of range of any attacks.

"It's our treasure!"

"What?" Ace spun his head back and forth like a confused chicken. "Our stuff is over there now! How'd it get there?"

Kuina grabbed his ear and pulled hard enough to tear it off, and gave no explanation despite his agonized shrieks. He deserved it.

"Goodness - it's true!" Kaya cried. "She really did take everything! You distracted us as your sister stole our treasure - and so quickly, too!"

Nojiko grinned. "Aw honey, you're makin' me blush."

"But Merry gave us that portion, Nojiko. My family earned it fairly, and it's - it's all I have left of them. You cannot simply take it like that. Please give it back!"

"Bless your heart, girl, didn'tcha hear? You're a pirate, an' I'm Nojiko the Juggernaut, an' Nami an' I are the best pirate thief team on this side of the blue! The second you laid eyes on me, ya kissed your treasure g'bye." She leaned against the ax and raised an eyebrow at them. "'Sides, since when did pirates care who something belongs to? You're always just takin' what you can get."

"Then we're taking our treasure back," Kuina hissed. She kicked off with a gale force swing: she'd break that ax, smash it to smithereens, and then she'd jump onto that little girl's skiff and they'd see whose ship was sinking.

Wadou headed straight for Nojiko's ax. But instead of blocking, Nojiko jumped, really jumped. In a single leap the girl sailed five feet up, somersaulted in midair, and finally landed on the ship's railing with incredible grace. All while carrying the stupidly big ax. She smirked at Kuina, and twirled the ax a couple times with just three fingers - that cocky little brute.

Kuina clenched her teeth. "Silver Falcon."

Nojiko spun her ax overhead until it became a thick gray-and-brown blur. "Highball Buck!"

Sparks flew. Their feet scuffed and kicked and stomped across the deck. Sunshine glanced off Wadou's smooth surface, all sharp, cold patterns, but the ax was just a mottled hunk of metal. Kuina was going to win this. From the corner of her eye she saw Ace turn toward the sea and point out something, and Kaya respond; but there was no time to wonder what they were looking at. Just one more hit. Kuina angled the blade up and let Wadou soar. One more second and she'll have won -

"Kaya! Kuina!" Ace shouted. "Duck!"

Wadou veered way off target, and Kuina dropped down.

"What?" Nojiko paused with her ax still in the air, confused.

A cannonball crashed into the hull. The Going Merry jolted to the side, then up and down like an earthquake. Nojiko fell and just barely managed to not land on her own ax. The second cannon hit Ace's fist, moments before it destroyed the main mast of the ship, and exploded in sound and light and gunpowder. Hot wind blasted across the deck, threatening to blow Kuina overboard. She dug her fingers into the wood and felt splinters rip at her nails.

When the wind died down, she staggered to her feet, holding Wadou tightly. The smoke from the explosion hung like a thick black haze. Ace stood half boy, half flame in front of Kaya, who had covered her mouth with her bandanna and was coughing badly.

"What was that?" Kuina shouted. Her ears were still ringing.

"I don't know!" Ace called. "Is everyone okay? Sorry, I didn't think it'd blow up like that!"

"Nami!" Nojiko threw her ax down and leaned out over the railing. "Nami! Answer me!"

A foreign laugh responded. Slow and menacing, a pirate ship loomed out of the smoke - not a cute caravel like Merry, but a bona fide galleon, all decked up like it had come straight from a circus show. Pirates, grown men all of them, swarmed the deck. The jolly roger stretched from top to bottom of its main sail, a jeering omen of death.

At the helm of the ship was the orange-haired girl, twisting, kicking, and completely overpowered by the burly crew members pinning her arms behind her back. "Ow! That hurts! Let me go, you fat ugly pigs!" she hissed and spat - the pirates only laughed at her. The one laughing the most was the captain of the ship himself. He stood next to her, cackling like a maniac, with painted eyes and a wide, wide mouth and a big, fat, bright red nose.

"GYAHAHAHA!" he laughed, and turned to the four on board Merry. "You remember me, Nojiko!? It's Buggy the Clown, and he's here to take revenge!"

Nojiko's face looked like she had just eaten a rotten lemon.

"...Aw, hell."

"You two sure did a number on my crew back then!" he shrieked. "You lost me 5 bloody million beli. I should kill you both for that! But you little lassies are so good at making cash, it's near a waste to end you without getting my money back. So I'm cutting you a deal, eh!?"

The man smiled, which made the creases around his mouth stretch his face paint obscenely.

"If you can get me another 5 mil in three days, I'll think about letting your sister free! If not..." He pulled out a knife and held it at the girl's throat. Nami froze.

"Don't y'all touch her!" Nojiko bellowed. She gripped the railing so hard the wood creaked. "Don't y'all lay a finger on her!"

"Nojiko, it's alright," Nami shouted. "These ol' fools couldn't hurt me if they tried - "

The knife pressed down hard enough to send a thin trickle of blood down her neck. She went quiet, and Buggy laughed.

"You'll pay for this," Nojiko growled.

"Us!? You're the ones paying for daring to steal from me! You want her to keep all her fingers, then bring the 5 mil to my base in Orange Town by the end of the next three days!"

"That's manure! I ain't gonna-"

"Don't think you're in any position to talk back! We got a deal here, gal!? Yea or nay!"

Nojiko clenched her jaw hard enough to chip her teeth. For seconds she was silent, emotions waging an epic war plainly across her face.

Up on the enemy ship, Nami stopped struggling, but not out of fear. She searched for Nojiko's eyes, found them, and smiled a tiny, catlike smile, winking when Buggy wasn't looking. All at once, Nojiko relaxed.

"Yeah, ya got a deal!" she called. "Your money for my sister! Sounds alright to me!"

The Buggy Pirates let up a roar of approval. Their captain put his knife away. "GYAHAHA! I knew you'd agree! You haven't got a choice, after all!" He turned to his crew. "Come on, you lazy louts! Take the lass and everything on the skiff! Let's move!"

"Wait."

Buggy stopped laughing abruptly. He spun around his heels and squinted down at Merry's deck.

"Huuuuh? Whozzat?"

Ace jumped onto the railing and crossed his arms. Nojiko gaped at him. "Get off there 'fore I make you!" she hissed.

But Ace only smiled, in that way of his that smeared confidence all over his face and made Kuina's blood sing. Kuina stepped between him and Nojiko casually: Don't interrupt my captain.

Ace raised his head at Buggy. "That stuff in the skiff. It belongs to me, so you can't take it."

"Huuuuuuuh? Oh, you mean the treasure. So these two stole it from you, eh? Well I don't care whose box that treasure came out of - it's mine now!"

"Well, I don't care what Purple Head and Orange Head did to you. But Merry gave us that treasure, and Kaya still wants it, so it's mine, not yours. Give it back."

"GYAHAHA! Can you believe this snotface!? Come on you dumb thugs, give him a taste of what Buggy the Clown is made of! Prepare the Buggy Ball!"

A deck cannon swung to point at the Going Merry. The men loaded a bright red cannonball into it.

"Whoa – hey, hey - now hold your horses! Buggy! You don't gotta go that far!" Nojiko called. She had picked up her ax again. "These 'uns just got monkey fur for brains, that's all! If you shoot that cannon I ain't gettin' that 5 mil no way!"

Buggy snickered. "The gal's got a point. Alright, I'll forgive you if you apologize for your impudence, snotface!"

"I refuse!" Ace barked.

The man made a choking sound.

"What!? I'm really going to fire this if you don't take that back, you brat!"

"I don't care! We can take you on!" Ace slapped his fist into a palm. "But no matter what, we're taking back our treasure, because it belongs to us. It's ours. And what's ours is ours to keep! So hurry up and give, you stupid big nose guy!"

The effect was impressive. The entire Buggy crew sprang backwards with their hands in the air and their mouths wide open. Nami for the first time looked genuinely shocked.

"You're bonkers!" Nojiko howled, and moved to strangle Ace. Gloved fingers closed ineffectually around fire. "You're nuts! You're dumber than a mule! Quit talkin', right now!"

Ace blinked at everyone. "What? Was it something I said?"

"What did you say about my nose!?" Buggy shrieked. His mouth had gotten twice as big, and Kuina could see the whites of his eyes even from Merry.

"Your nose? Oh, I said that it's big, because it is. And now that I look - wow, it's even red and round!" Ace laughed. "It's just like a clown nose! That's funny!"

The man's entire face contorted with rage. He raised an arm and pointed dramatically at Merry.

"DIE!" he screamed. "SINK TO THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN! COME ON, YOU LOUTS, FIRE! FIRE AWAAAAYY!"

The cannon was lit; the shot was fired. Boom! Crack! Smoke burst into the air again. The Buggy Pirates, too angry and disgusted to stick around, turned ship and sailed away. The smoke dispersed slowly.

"I have to agree with her on one thing, though," Kuina said conversationally, when she could see her captain's face again. "You really are dumber than a mule."

Ace blew the exploding cannonball residue off of his knuckles. He dusted off his shorts next and settled cross-legged on the floor of the deck. "I like mules," he said happily.

"Mules are actually quite intelligent," Kaya added as she checked the wooden boards and railings for damage. There were a few superficial burn marks, but other than that Merry was just dirty from the soot. She took the bandanna off and coughed into her hand. "They have even more advanced spacial cognition than horses, in fact."

Ace beamed. "See? Mules are awesome."

Nojiko swung the back of her ax straight at Kaya. Kuina blocked it with a ringing jolt.

Ace was on his feet in an instant. "Hey! What're you doing!? Kaya's my friend!"

"Ace, it's okay," Kaya said with only a slight tremor in her voice. She had clutched her bandanna and Ace's hat to her chest, the boomerang ready in her other hand. She was getting used to this; that was good. But Kuina was still pissed.

"It's dishonorable to strike a defenseless person," the swordsman growled.

Nojiko spat on her shirt. Kuina fought the urge to bash the girl's head in.

"Ya suckers're dead!" Nojiko shouted. "Why'd ya hafta go an' make'm mad!? Huh!? Why'd ya hafta go an' ruin everythin'!? Ya tell me!"

Kuina shot Ace a meaningful glare. He blinked and pointed to himself. "Huh? Me? What'd I do?"

"Ya called him a big nose, ya dimwit!"

"Well, yeah. How's that a bad thing? You think his nose is big, too, don't you? Like, it's huge."

She threw the whole ax at him, and it whirled through hot air and skidded uselessly across the deck. She jabbed a finger at him.

"I don't care! Mah sister's on that ship, ya hear!? Mah sister's stuck in the hands o' that ugly no-good son-of-a-clown an' I'm not there to protect her, an' if he flips an' hurts her any way any how s'all gonna be your fault! What'm I gonna do if she gets hurt, huh!? What'm I gonna do!? What'm I gonna..."

She dragged her fingers through her purple hair. Ace let out a huff, took his hat back from Kaya, and plopped it on his head.

"If you and your sister are really pirate thieves, then you should be prepared for this kind of thing." His eyes were bright under the shadow of the hat's brim.

"Shut your yapper! Ya dunno nothin'!"

He smiled and shook his head. "Sure I know stuff. Sometimes. About some things."

Nojiko spat at his feet. "Dumber than a mule," she growled.

Kuina rubbed her temples. Okay, she had said to leave this voyage up to fate, but apparently fate either really loved or really hated this Ace kid. Some petty history between a bunch of pirate clowns and a pair of pirate thieves was not something she wanted to get tangled in today.

"I'm kicking this girl off the ship, Captain," she announced.

"Try it," Nojiko bit back with a smile that was more of a grimace.

Kuina raised an eyebrow, and jerked her head at the ax. It lay dejectedly on the other side of the deck. Nojiko glanced between her own clenched fists, Wadou, and the boy made of fire. The fight still didn't leave her eyes, though.

"Just give up. You don't stand a chance, kid," Kuina sighed. "Now get off before I make you."

"No," Ace interrupted. "We're not going to make her leave."

Kuina looked at him sharply. "Why not?"

"Because we're going to help her." He grinned at them. Kuina had a horrible foreboding feeling, and opened her mouth to argue; but somehow she couldn't bring herself to argue with the sun. "Hey, Nojiko! The big nose guy is in Orange Town, right? Where's Orange Town?"

Nojiko stared at him. "Bwuh?"

"I said, where's Orange Town? I don't know how to get there. Actually, I don't know where we are at all."

For a moment, rebellion flashed across her face; but then it cooled, replaced by something more calculating. "Well," she drawled slowly. "I reckon I got some idea where Orange Town is, yeah. Whatcha want from me?"

"I want you to help me get to Orange Town and beat up that clown guy with a big nose."

She tossed back her hair imperially. "Well, well. Now you're talkin' sense, Captain Ace. The guy stole your cash. Y'all wanna steal it right back. I see that."

"It's not just our stuff," Ace said. He plopped back down on the deck and crossed his legs. "Your sister's there too."

Nojiko seized him by his shirt collar and shook him violently. "Whatcha want with Nami!?"

"Whoa! Hey, it's okay, don't worry!" He slipped out of her hands with a puff of warm air. "I was just thinking. If we all go there together, then we can take back your sister and our stuff all at once, right?"

Kuina's eyes widened. "Ace. No."

He turned to his swordsman, laughing. "Come on, Kuina! It'll be more fun if we go together! And we have no idea where we are, so we need her to tell us how to get around. Ooh! And, and, Nojiko, can you paint!? You can - "

"Ace," Kuina hissed.

Too late, though. Nojiko's eyes had brightened, and now the girl put both hands on her hips and lifted her chin. "Why, bless your sweet daisies, I just got a great idea!"

Ace leaned forward. "Ooh, an idea! I love those."

Kuina pressed a palm to her forehead.

"Now listen, I got a great deal for y'all. First, y'all help me get the 5 mil Buggy wants as ransom. Then I take y'all to Orange Town, I get back Nami, an' while you're off fightin' or what have ya, we'll steal back your stuff an' put it back on the ship. I warn't kiddin' when I said we were the best pirate thief team this side o' the Blue - Buggy's ol' treasure safe'll open easy as pluckin' a ripe tangerine. We'll have your stuff back in no time, no time at all. Well? We got a deal?"

She tried and failed to smile pleasantly. It was like someone had taught her the art of manipulation, and she had proved a terrible student.

Ace clapped his hands above his head. "Awesome! A deal! That sounds like fun, let's do it!"

"You don't even know what she said, do you?" Kuina groaned as she grabbed for his ear. He dodged and danced away, giggling like a loony.

"Sure I know! She said yes! So now we get to make friends with Nojiko, and then we're going to get all our treasures back, and then she's going to join our crew, and it's going to be soooo much fun!"

Nojiko balked. "Bwuh!?"

"I knew this was coming," Kuina hissed, and started to chase him. "Ace! Ace, get back here! Listen, that's never going to happen, alright? She just wants to use us and then run away first chance she gets. That's what a thief does!"

"Aw, Kuina, that won't happen! Nojiko isn't like that!" He ran, hopped, rocketed up and down the deck, always two steps ahead of his swordsman. "Didn't you see? She didn't laugh when I told her I was going to be the Pirate King! I like her! She's part of my crew now!"

Nojiko looked like she had eaten an unripe kumquat. "Bwuh!?"

Kuina finally stopped to catch her breath. Kaya approached her and whispered in her ear: "Is this how he chose me, too?"

Kuina rubbed her temples resignedly. "The both of us. Bad omen."

"You can thank me later," their captain laughed from on top of Merry's figurehead, waving his arms joyously. "Come on everyone! Let's turn the ship and set sail to money! Five million beli, here I come!"

Words of the Sheep: First off, some thanks are in order! Pen-Always-in-Hand is my beta starting from Chapter 8! Love ya, unidentifiable internet persona!

Back to the story:

I gave Nojiko and her gang Southern accents. Sorry not sorry. Tonko's probably going "what the hell who are these people they never sounded like this in my head" - but tis the nature of fanfics, I suppose. Also I've been reading the 'swawesome webcomic Check, Please! and the adorable Eric Bittle and his speech patterns are winding into my subconscious fantasies. (I'm referencing Maycomb County speech like crazy for the Windmill Village arc - lookin' forward to that!) Nojiko's character, too, seems at first glance to be really different from the original. But this all stems from one major difference in life choices: Oda's Nojiko chose to hold the fort, while in FTS she chose to fight tooth and nail.

Originally I was going to theme Nojiko's attacks on gardening terms, but I kept coming up with things like "Pruning Posies" and "Seed Scatter" and I was like...nope. So instead they're based on lumberjack slang (or at least, her giant ax moves are). Google "lumberjack slang," it's pretty amusing.

And about Buggy - I don't really get him, or what Oda intends to do with the guy. He's kind of an ass. (And yet he's like a really important foil to Shanks?) I tried to do smth with him cuz he shows up three times in my pre-GL arc, but he's still pretty OC. Apologies. (Oh and he has a fake British accent because why not.)