Disclaimer: TMNT property of Eastman and Laird. Ergo, they're not mine. :(
Wah! I am so sorry I haven't posted ANYTHING for so long, but my junior year of college has been crazy. I'm not going to give you a list of all the crap on my plate this year ('cause it'll depress me), I'm just going to say that I'm sorry I haven't updated, but I've really wanted to. Things have just been too crazy, and considering I'm in the last two years of my college career, school really has to come first. I am still writing when I'm able to, and I hope to have another drabble or two up soon, and hopefully the next chapter of TMTC in the next few weeks. Hopefully. I just ask that you guys continue to bear with me, and know that I love you for your patience and continued support. 3
Now then! This is just a (kind of little compared to others) one-shot, because I was in too verbose a mood to restrict this to a drabble. This is meant to be set sometime in the future, meaning all the guys have aged a bit and things are a little quieter for them. This is just my take on one of the many issues I figure Leo has and is going to have to deal with sooner or later, especially if the day comes when their enemies are beaten: taking off the 'leader' mantle and trying to fit back into the 'brother' mantle. I was just feeling wordy and nostalgic, so I ran with it. It's just a little thing I had fun with, experimenting with some slight changes in style and trying my hand at present-tense (please forgive me for any errors or accidental tense-switches) and a dialogue-free piece. Let me know what you think!
(Note:o-kaeri nasai means 'welcome home' in Japanese.)
Found
Privately, Leo thinks that he knows his brothers thoroughly, knows generally how they will react in given situations or what their usual behavior is like. He knows that occasionally he'll miss something, or guess wrong, but for the most part, he feels it is safe to say that he knows his brothers almost better than he knows himself.
However, tonight appears to be one of those occasions where he seems to have missed something.
He'd finished tidying up the dojo after a light personal training session and had been preparing to head for his room to get some candles and incense for meditation to while away the evening. The day had been warm and gorgeous, the first authentic-feeling day of summer, and he knew his brothers would be heading out soon for a night of games and relaxation, basking in the warmth that still remained, reveling in the end of the sluggishness of winter and the chilly wetness of spring.
The years have given him a better understanding of his brothers, and eased his fears and ingrained paranoia, so he'd said nothing to deter their excited chatter and planning over dinner. He'd merely smiled and suggested routes that ought to be particularly nice on such a night, sections of the park with flowering trees that still clung to some of their spring blossoms. His recommendations were accepted and he was happy with that, setting his dishes in the sink and going off to train.
Leo isn't sure when the sensation of his brothers and he being two separate groups had first come into being; he only knew that it was there and uncomfortably like his feelings in the dark days before he visited the Ancient One. Back then, he had seen his brothers as clueless, completely blind to the fact that his extreme behavior was for their own good. They had seemed to be completely separate from him, shoved by his own anger and self-recrimination into the large category of people 'who just don't understand'. He no longer views his brothers with eyes clouded by perceived failure and self-doubt, but the feeling of distance, of not belonging creeps back up on him from time to time. He tries every day to trust them and stop expecting the worst (while still being prepared for it), but he backslides sometimes. So he accepts that his brothers are going out tonight, and tells himself he doesn't mind not going (or not being asked to come), because it is a perfect night, and he doesn't want to ruin it by going along and worrying (which he can't help but do).
So he busies himself with kata and weapons, and tells himself that he knows his brothers. He knows their skill and strength, and he knows he can trust them to be careful and keep each other safe. The doubt and uncertainty of past years has largely faded along with their most ardent enemies, and watchful trust has replaced it. He can let them go on nights like this, because he knows them.
Or so he thought.
Upon leaving the dojo, he is confronted with the barrel of a gun. His instincts flare up with the silent scream of danger, then cut off in bafflement as it registers that the gun in his face is plastic…and being held by his younger brother.
He is coming with them on their evening of ninja tag and an ice cream run, Mikey informs him cheerfully from behind the duct-taped scope of his weapon, whether he likes it or not. The gun (a Super Soaker, Leo notes absently, that he was sure Master Splinter had confiscated and hidden months ago) is full of old lady perfume, his little brother adds, and he isn't afraid to use it if Leo tries to cop out.
It takes a while for Leo's brain to process being held up at gunpoint by his brother for an ice cream run, of all things, but he accepts it as gracefully as he can. As soon as he sets aside the questions about that, though, questions as to why his brothers have so emphatically sought him out rise in their place. He is still learning to be a brother rather than a leader, and knows it is a slow process. That was why he was staying busy tonight, so that they can know he isn't worrying and doesn't mind staying home and not worrying. Really.
He opens his mouth to say this, to tell his brothers he is alright with staying home, because he'd rather stay in the Lair than be invited out of pity and end up ruining his brother's evening. Pride is not a becoming trait, he knows, but he doesn't think he could stand being invited out of pity, doesn't think he could stand knowing things have fallen so far, that they've grown so far apart—(that he's gotten so boring, the voice in his head that occasionally sounds like Mikey adds cheekily).
Leo tries to explain, only to have the Super Soaker pushed threateningly close to his person. The action takes him aback, and the overpowering smell of gardenia wafts into his face. He finds himself wondering idly where his brothers got the perfume from.
Resistance is futile, Mikey informs him gravely, his Schwarzenegger impression frighteningly accurate. Leo notes to himself that he needs to hide their copy of The Terminator.
Don shakes his head at their youngest brother's theatrics and points out that since the decision has already been made for him, Leo might as well start thinking about what flavor of ice cream he wants rather than excuses as to why he can't come.
Cut off resoundingly as he was, Leo grasps for words fruitlessly before turning to Raph. Raph is always blunt, always clear about why he does what he does, and Leo hopes his remaining brother can explain where this random kidnapping/coup has come from.
Raph just smirks at him, though the expression is slightly softer around the edges than usual, and quirks an eye ridge. There is a challenge in his face, but for once it's not a challenge of Leo's orders. It's something else, something deeper, but Leo is still slightly off-balance from his company being requested—or rather, demanded—on this outing, and he can't quite figure out what Raph is challenging him to do. He knows, though, the knowledge coming to him suddenly and quietly, that it is a challenge he needs to take his brother up on.
He sighs fondly in mock exasperation, surrendering to the expectant faces before him, and comments mildly that he hopes they don't expect him to pay for everything. Smiles break out on Don and Mikey's faces, and something that looks surprisingly like contentment or satisfaction slips across Raph's. That he was the one to cause such reactions sends a suffusion of warmth through Leo's chest, and he obligingly submits to Mikey linking an arm through his and dragging him to the door. He doesn't miss the way Don smoothly snatches the gun out of Mikey's hand and replaces it with the requisite trench coat and fedora—or the way he then slips the toy to Master Splinter, who is waiting by the door with a knowing smile and a request for a small sundae of cherry cordial ice cream, extra nuts, no whipped cream.
Leo allows his little brothers to herd and drag him along, quietly glad to replace the quiet with their chatter. They slip out of the Lair, into the sewers, heading for the manhole that leads up into the park, and as Leo aligns their location with his internal sense of direction, he realizes suddenly that they're heading for the exact places he recommended that they visit.
And suddenly he feels like he's been found, like he's found himself, found out how to be a brother again, found out how to go back to those times that he misses desperately, when their world wasn't full of fighting and hiding and losing parts of themselves. He remembers now, when nights like this used to be the norm rather than the exception, when he would go out with his brothers, at ease with them and himself and the world—who cared who was in it, and whether the world wanted them or not, who cared, who cared, they had each other—and wonders, with a flicker of pain, when he forgot. But the pain passes in an instant, because he feels as though he's just fought that rocky version of himself again under the Ancient One's eyes, beaten his weaknesses and found out how to forgive himself and be himself again.
His relief nearly chokes him, and he feels if he doesn't tell someone he will explode with it, but it's not something he can put into words, not something he thinks he can explain; how do you tell those you live with that you've felt lost when right beside them? So he speaks the only way he can at the moment, in Raph's language, with action rather than words. Leo slides his arm out of Mikey's, replacing it a moment later around his brother's shoulders, stopping him in his tracks and pulling him around until they're facing each other. Mikey's face is confused, but Leo still has no words, so he just tugs his little brother forward until their foreheads meet, and then his other arm is around his brother as well, and he's nearly shaking both of them with the relief of finding and being found. His little brother's breath is warm on his face, and Leo finds himself whispering breathlessly, words he didn't know were escaping and that he still thinks fall short, a low murmur of thank you, thank you, thank you. He still feels like he can't properly express what for—for waiting, for looking, for trying, for caring, for not giving up on me—but Mikey seems to understand, in that way of his that makes everyone's heart an open book before his shining eyes and huge grin.
Mikey just smiles and hugs him back, resting his head in the crook of Leo's neck like he did as a child and humming tunelessly, happily, and whispers back—as much as Mikey can ever whisper—you're welcome, we missed you, glad you're back. It both hurts him and humbles him, to realize he's kept his brothers waiting for all these years, and that they continued to wait for him.
Don and Raph turn to see what the holdup is, and Leo is glad that his mask has absorbed the moisture gathered in his eyes, though he also thinks that he wouldn't be that embarrassed if his tears were visible. He squeezes Mikey's shoulder and steps back, reassuring his brothers that he's fine.
They come closer, not believing him, and Don traces his face with his eyes, solemn and contemplative, then smiles as though content with what he's seen. He brushes a hand along the top of Leo's head, the gesture comfortingly familiar to Master Splinter's, and murmurs a soft o-kaeri nasai. Raph moves to stand beside him, searching his face as well and shoving against him gently. That he doesn't move away, but maintains the contact, says just as much and is just as affectionate—in Raph's way—as Mikey's nuzzling hug.
Leo doesn't want to push his luck, still certain that such happiness is tenuous and liable to break if he leans too heavily on it, so he smiles at his brothers, remembering too the carefree expression and hoping it can become familiar again, and declares the last one to the surface to be hatched from a rotten egg.
Then he takes off running.
The sound of indignant shouts and frenzied scrambling behind him draws a laugh from deep within him, and he feels like he's outrunning time, shedding all the years and cares that have piled worry on him to the point that he sometimes feels like he's bent like an old man under the weight of it all. But now he's light, somehow young again, and the racket behind him doesn't make him want to chastise his brothers for their lack of stealth, it makes him want to laugh harder, because he can hear Raph trip Mikey and pass by their squawking brother.
Raph suddenly pulls alongside of him, nothing more than a sharp, white grin and a moving shadow in the dimness of the tunnel, matching Leo step for step. Their gaits align, and then they're running together, in lockstep, beside each other instead of away from each other, finally, finally. They pass under a service light, and Leo darts a glance at his brother. Raph's face is all a shark's smile and ease, and he too looks younger and lighter, his anger stripped away. Leo returns the smile as they plunge back into shadow. He senses his brother shift closer, and their shoulders brush on each step as they run at the same pace, sounding like one person instead of two. It's the closest he's felt to Raph in years, and he finds himself wishing that this tunnel run could go on forever, while at the same time he can't wait for whatever will come once they reach topside, already treasuring the next few hours he gets to spend with his brothers. Mikey is complaining about fouls and yellow flag and rematches close behind him, and Don is holding forth on how—and why—it would be impossible for anything to hatch from a rotten egg—
And suddenly, Leo realizes, he's found his way home.