Hay me again. I'm so bored and fed up with this stupid cast now! Hopefully it should be removed in a few weeks! Though if I'm honest the Stanley knife in Chris' toolbox is glowing brighter and brighter each passing day! So basically I spend my days sitting watching boring daytime tv or killing things on the X-BOX! I swear the people who do the TV schedule have the most boring job in the history of boring jobs! I watched the same episode of C.S.I two days in a row! I wouldn't mind but there are like 15+ odd eps a season! Plenty to choose from!

What else have I done? O.K erm well I went out the other day into town, cause I needed to stock up my 'junk food' stash and I needed toothpaste, not that I need it anymore, not like I've got anyone to snog! :-( Anyway... I saw Holly. No before you get excited I didn't talk to her, she didn't see me, probably because she was too busy drooling over the woman she was having coffee with :-( Yes I tell no lies, Holly was having a happy fun lunch date with someone who wasn't me. I'm not gonna deny it but my god it felt like someone rammed a barge-pole into my stomach. I thought I was gonna throw up. I'm surprised she didn't see me, I was kinda embarrassingly pressed up against the window of the coffee shop just staring at them both, not because I'm a freak! Mainly because I couldn't actually believe what I was seeing. It was horrible!

So um then I moved over the road to another coffee shop and sat in the window so I could see across the road and I text Holly :-/

Yeah I said:

'You look good, I hope she makes you happy'

I know I know, it was stupid and I should not of text it. She didn't reply but...within 5 secs of the message being delivered she was out the front of the coffee shop searching up and down the street, I guess to see if she could find me. That was sweet if it had been out of concern, but I'm glad I was hidden because I wouldn't blame her if she had wanted to smash my face in. I sat watching her across the street and she looked almost disappointed she couldn't find me. My heart was telling me to show myself to her but my head said stay where you are! I waited until they left which was about 10mins later. Holly was still looking up and down the road whilst saying goodbye to the other woman. They hugged and Holly kissed her on the cheek. That tugged a bit. Seeing my Holly hug and kiss someone else :-(

I waited a while before I left the coffee hut making sure there was no chance I would bump into Holly, although deep down that's totally what I wanted to happen. I got home and when I checked my phone Holly had text me. Not much but it said:

'Stalking is a criminal offence'

She thinks I'm stalking her. I didn't message her back, what do you say to that anyway?! And let's be realistic if I was gonna stalk her I know where she lives, surely I would go there! :-/

I keep writing her texts but instead of sending them I delete them and put my phone away. And I ponder over her number to call but never do. God I never would have reacted this way before, I would have been like fine sod you, and moved on. Why can't I do that with Holly. It's done, it's over but for some unknown reason I'm not willing to let go, its like I just can't. I just don't know what to do to get her back. I have never fought for anyone in my life and I'm scared at the prospect that she will tell me she hates me and never want's anything to do with me ever again. I even googled it! Yes laugh at me, I googled how to win back the love of your life :-/ It was really daft and pointless but I'm gonna share with you the brilliant advice 'Mr Google' gave me!

Here are the 5 steps to win back the love of your life:

1: Find a replacement to make your ex jealous.

2: Whenever you see your ex always have a smile on your face.

3: Don't answer their calls, delete them from MySpace, Facebook, show them you mean business

4: You can just show that person that you can be the person they were looking for.

5: Remember a guy that you have been with for a long time is bound to come back, even if it's only once.

O.k now tell me if I'm dumb or stupid but really, do they seriously think this stuff works!? Here is my problem to each solution!

1: There is no way I want to go out and find another woman just to make Holly jealous! Because Holly is the only woman I want!

2: I am nowhere near brave enough to be in the same space as her right now for fear of what she may do to me!

3: Well Holly hasn't text or called me since I walked out (apart from accusing me of stalking her) so don't think we need worry about that one!

4: How the hell do I show her that I love her, and want to spend the rest of my life with her if she hates me, we don't talk and I hide when I see her?!

5: I haven't been with her long enough to give her reason to want to come back!

:-( so basically all google has shown me is what I already know...I'm well and truly screwed!

I guess I could just be brave and go see her, accept anything she has to throw at me (including punches), not say a word until she has said what she needs to and then I will know if it's worth me fighting for her?! Or I could just carry on sitting here moping around on my own, missing her like fkn crazy, feeling my heart-break a bit more every second and cry continuously all day long?!

Argh I really don't know what to do...OMG! I've probably just had the most crazy insane idea I'm ever gonna have in my entire life! :-O Wait right there, I am gonna be right back!

O.k so I'm back, wow that only took me half an hour! :-/

Hmmmm O.K so I have officially gone mad, and now I think about what I have just done I am so gonna be put in a madhouse! I erm just popped to the local sweet shop and photocopied this entire diary :-/...Yeah no not for safe keeping!... I er then proceeded to take said photocopies to Holly's and put them in her mailbox :-O...

I KNOW I KNOW you don't have to shout at me I'M AN IDIOT! You think I don't realise that now?! Oh god what was I thinking?! Like really Holly is gonna read it and come straight over here, throw her arms around me and declare her undying love for me?! I don't think so! More like I'm gonna get a knock at the door from my collegues at 15 with a restraining order!

Hay look I'm still on meds, I have no control over my crazy mind right now, its the pills they making me take, they are making me do crazy stupid things!...Yeah thats what I will tell the cops when they knock on my door to take me away!

:-O...OH SHIT! THERE IS SOMEONE AT THE DOOR! :-O

BRB...

:-O :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O

IT WAS HOLLY! ACTUALLY SHE IS HERE NOW :-O :-O :-O :-O

Hi diary, Holly here. I would like to apologise on behalf of the mentally insane woman who has taken up far too much time scribbling all this complete nonsense for the past 5 months. I assure you had I been aware of just how fragile and unwell she was, I personally would have put a stop to this a long time ago! I would also like to state that had I been aware of this information earlier you would not have had to go through all this constant rambling. I would like to make it clear that I am not confiscating this diary from Ms Peck as I think it is a very good outlet for her deepest thoughts and feelings (no matter how strange and insane they make her sound) but I hope that she can change her ways slightly so as to not only share important feelings with just you, meaning that if there is any chance that Gail will ever get back into my good books and have my complete attention as her girlfriend again she is going to have to tell me these things verbally, because I'm never going to know anything that get's written in this diary ever again. I'm sure Gail will keep you updated on the progress of trying to rebuild our relationship if we can do that at all. It is not going to be easy and Gail has a lot of hardwork ahead of her just for me to even forgive her but in showing me this diary she has shown me the side of her that is private to her and I'm grateful for that. Anyway me and Gail need to have a very long hard talk now. You will hear all about it I'm sure. Yours Holly x

:-/ And she says I ramble! Damn her messy handwriting! Now it looks like a kids school workbook!...

Right guess I'd better do this, wish me luck...