Was it mean? Yeah. Was it cruel? Potentially. Was it going to be embarrassing? Definitely. Was it going to be funny?

Hell yes.

Roy had been concocting his little scheme for forever, and it was finally the right time. He'd gotten everything figured out, and decided on a method. It was definitely an unorthodox way of doing things, but that didn't matter.

All that was left to do now was watch and let it all fall into place.

Edward grumbled, throwing himself bodily onto one of the couches in the Colonel's office. Stupid bastard, asking him to come here so early, before anyone else even got to there. Stifling a yawn, Ed crossed his arms and stared at the man across the desk.

For it being five in the morning, he looked awfully satisfied. Maybe it was just because he also got to watch Edward suffer, but still. The Colonel had no reason to be so awake, with that stupid smirk on his face.

They sat in silence for a brief moment. It grew longer and longer, and the man in front of him just kept staring, a grin spreading across his features. Ed suppressed a shudder; something about the look made him nervous. "Well?" he finally demanded. "Aren't you going to tell me why you needed me to come in so fucking early?"

"Language, Fullmetal," the Colonel chided. "You're talking to a superior officer."

"Bull-fucking-shit," Edward answered. "You're lucky I'm not slapping you across the face for pulling this. I'll curse as much as I want to."

The man before him sighed but did not comment. "The reason I called you in, Fullmetal, is because we are testing out a new peer-review exam today. Team members will follow each other around as they go about their business. The whole point is to judge who gets along best with whom—"

"You seriously did not just say 'whom.'"

Ed received a short glare for his interruption.

"As I was saying, to judge who gets along best with whom. Proper grammar is important, Fullmetal. Anyway, today it's your turn to be followed. You'll cycle through the team today—no need to act any different, it's just to judge interactions."

Edward couldn't believe what he was hearing. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. And considering some of the shit that comes out of your mouth, that's saying a lot."

A frown! Ed could have cheered. Usually it took a lot more to get the Colonel to react to his taunts. "Fullmetal, it's not up to me to say whether it's smart or not. It's just my job to follow orders, and this is the order I've been given."

Ugh. Edward groaned, sinking further into the couch. "You realize if anyone reports that I'm a lazy ass, I'm going to blame you. I'd be fine if I hadn't had to wake up this damn early."

"Perhaps some coffee would help?" the man offered, pointing to the corner where a fresh pot of coffee was waiting.

Immediately, a conflict rose up in Ed. On the one hand, the Colonel being so polite and helping him was suspicious. There had to be some ulterior motive. On the other hand...Edward had never had coffee. Every time he got near the stuff Al got in his way, saying it was going to make him too hyperactive, or mess up his brain, or something like that. Honestly, where did his younger brother get off telling him what to do? And how did Alphonse know about coffee anyway?

The curiosity was too much for him. After all, every else around Headquarters drank the stuff nonstop. It had to be pretty good…hesitantly, Ed nodded.

He could have sworn he saw a smile flash across the Colonel's face as he got up, striding over to the pot and pouring a steaming cup out. Edward watched the man's movements closely, watching for any sign of foul play, but didn't see anything strange. Eagerness crept through his careful, disinterested façade and Ed couldn't help but lean out to accept the cup when it was offered to him. Still, he paused.

"What?" the man still standing in front of him snickered. "You're not afraid of it, are you?"

"Fuck you," Ed muttered, staring at the drink, an odd, creamy brown color. "You didn't put anything in this, did you?"

The Colonel walked around his desk to once again settle into his chair before answering. "One, you fucking me would be highly inappropriate. Two!" he continued loudly before Edward could retort. "All I put in was a little cream and sugar. I don't think you'd like it black."

Without another word, Ed raised the cup to his lips and swallowed, a little more than was probably necessary, but he had to prove he wasn't afraid. A bitter taste, not tempered much by the cream, assaulted his throat and he coughed, sticking his tongue out as though the air would help. "That's disgusting!"

The man only laughed. "You don't like it?"

"No! Ugh!" Edward shook his head side to side, not that it helped. "How do people drink that shit every day?"

A shrug. "I suppose it's an acquired taste." Ed felt eyes on him as he continued to make a face, contemplating licking his coat sleeve to get the aftertaste away. "Need some water?"

He nodded fervently, relieved when the Colonel stood up and walked towards the door. "I'll be right back."

With the man safely gone, Edward went ahead and wiped his sleeve across his tongue. Ew. Didn't help at all. Seriously, how could anyone drink that? He shivered, composing himself just as the Colonel reentered his office, silently holding out a glass of water. Ed snatched it away, gulping the water down as fast as possible, draining the cup in a matter of moments.

"That," he panted, after he was done. "Was the worst thing I've ever tasted. That's it, isn't it? You were trying to kill me with coffee." Suddenly Edward understood why Al had never let him have it before.

"Of course not. I was just trying to wake you up."

"Bastard," Ed muttered. The worst part was, it had worked. The trauma of that horrific taste had well and truly woke him up. He stood, sick of dealing with the Colonel at the moment, and made to leave.

"Lieutenant Hawkeye's going to be the first one with you, Fullmetal," the man called after him. "She should be here by now, it's almost six."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

Hawkeye was quiet. Edward sat there, doing paperwork—apparently missions would be tested another day, so he was stuck in the office doing that crap—and she didn't say anything, just went about her work. And that wasn't a problem…but after a while it became a little eerie. Ed knew that was just how she was; she didn't say anything unless it needed to be said, and if it came to that, the Lieutenant was incredibly loud about it. So realistically, it was a good thing she wasn't constantly saying something. That (and the absence of a gun in his face) meant he wasn't fucking up yet.

But still.

"Oh!" he remembered, looking at the clock. "Al's supposed to be here soon…" For whatever reason, Alphonse had decided to not come with Ed in the early morning, instead deigning to report to work at the usual time at seven. It was weird, but really, Edward had better things to do than nag his brother about stuff like that. "I'm going to go meet him at the door—I need a break" Ed announced, standing up and stretching, almost falling backwards as he did so. Weird.

Hawkeye nodded and stood up as well, following him as he started off down the hall. Then—Edward spun around, swearing he had just heard a giggle. A giggle of all things from the Lieutenant!? But he didn't get time to consider this outrageous possibility, because he was slipping backwards, arms pin wheeling as he tried to stay upright.

He jerked forward when he felt hands on his back, guiding him back into a steady position. Ed turned around again—much more slowly, this time—and was met with the Colonel's chest. He stumbled back, almost falling again, but this time able to right himself. Edward scowled. "The hell was that for?"

The man raised his eyebrows. "Fullmetal, if you had wanted to fall, you could have said so. I was under the impression that you didn't want to land on your ass."

"I meant standing so fucking close!" Edward yelled, standing on his tiptoes to get in the Colonel's face…only to tip forward and into him again. Ed jumped back once more, seething and red, this time keeping his feet firmly planted on the ground.

"Are you all right?" Hawkeye asked before the Colonel could do more than let out a short laugh. "You seem to be having a bit of a problem balancing."

"I'm fine," Ed growled, ducking around the Colonel and continuing down the hall. "Let's just go get Al."

After meeting up with Alphonse, Hawkeye left him, to be replaced by Havoc. He was much more talkative that Hawkeye, constantly making jokes and complaining about his luck with women. Edward found it hard to concentrate, not that he was complaining—this was much more exciting than paperwork. Ed almost hated to even excuse himself from the comedy hour to take a piss.

He found himself tripping constantly on his way down the hall. What was wrong with him today? It was like his feet just didn't want to obey…

Edward was almost done in the restroom when the Colonel walked in, heading silently for the urinal next to Ed's. He couldn't help but squirm a little bit—it was an unspoken rule that you just didn't do that, not if other ones were open. And they were the only two in the bathroom.

He wasn't going to stand for this. Ed tucked himself safely away before turning to the man next to him. "Do you not know—" But his feet was too slow, the automail one turning and the flesh one smacking it. With a yelp, Edward fell onto his knees, catching himself with his hands and barely managing to avoid smacking his face on the floor.

And when he raised his head to stand up…the Colonel was right there, laughing it up, junk hanging out. Far too close. Ed's face flushed crimson and he pushed backwards, ending up on his ass and trying to backpedal even so.

Roy could barely contain himself. He thought he was going to explode, hysteria pent up inside. That was too perfect, the look on Ed's face too funny—and the best part was, he hadn't even planned that one. Sure, he'd followed the boy into the restroom with the aim to make him uncomfortable, and hopefully fall again, but the timing…

It couldn't have been better.

Ed was getting a little irritated by the Colonel's continuing chuckles. "Yeah, yeah, really fucking funny," he muttered, trying to will his blush away. "You shouldn't be laughing, you're the one who's all exposed."

The man shook his head, biting his lip against more laughs for a moment as he put everything away. A little too late, in Edward's opinion. He went to wash his hands, calming himself, and only when he was done did the Colonel turn to Ed. "I don't have a particular problem with what just happened," he stated simply. "Actually, I got a bit of a kick out of it."

Ed was dumbfounded as he watched the man walk out. What was he supposed to say to that? Honestly?

He shook his head and went over to the sink, slipping again on the way over.

This day was fucking ridiculous.

Next up was Breda, oddly enough out on the gun range. Edward had complained endlessly about that one—why did he need to know how to use a gun when he had alchemy? But the Colonel insisted, and considering Ed couldn't look at him for more than two seconds without blushing, it was kind of hard to argue.

"So you just load the bullets here," Breda instructed, not even watching his own practiced hands as they loaded his gun. Instead he watched Edward fumbling. It was a lot harder than it looked—for one thing, the gun was way heavier than he'd imagined, and for some reason he was having a hard time keeping a grip on it. Once he'd finally loaded the gun, Breda continued. "Now, you take the safety off—yeah, like that—and just pull the trigger."

Edward stood, hands together to brace himself for the kickback, taking careful aim. The target was only a few yards away, but it seemed like a lot more…

Alchemy was easier.

He took a breath, and pulled the trigger.

The gun went off in his hand, louder than he'd expected, and harder too. The kickback stunned him, forcing his feet out from under him…how many more times was he going to have this problem today?

And how many more times would the Colonel catch him!? There he was again, hands this time wrapped around Ed's waist as he prevented him from hitting the ground. Edward spluttered, trying to get upright and finally succeeding. Only then did the Colonel let him go, hands staying in place a little longer than he thought was really necessary.

"Are you fucking following me!?" he yelled, ripping off his protective headphones.

"Considering I just stopped your skull from getting cracked, you'd think I'd get a little more gratitude…" the man smirked, placing his hands in his pockets. It wasn't lost on Ed that the Colonel avoided his question…so he was following him them!

"I can handle a fall," Edward snapped. "Just…" He couldn't quite think of anything to say. "What kind of game are you playing!?"

The Colonel turned around, tossing his answer over his shoulder…along with a wink. "One where we both win."

Next in his lineup of team members to be followed by (which was still a stupid concept) was Fuery. At this point, Ed was again doing paperwork. Or rather, pretending to do paperwork. Mostly he was thinking.

First, and less important, why was he all clumsy today? He couldn't stay upright to save his life, and even his flesh arm seemed less inclined than normal to obey orders. Edward found himself losing his grip on papers. While not particularly concerning—after all, everyone had days like this—it was a little irritating.

And then there was the Colonel. Every single time Ed tripped he seemed to be there, ready to catch him. It was like the man was looking for an excuse to touch him—that thought brought Edward up short. It was ridiculous, the Colonel wasn't like that, sure he was a bastard, but he was a straight bastard. A womanizer, to hear Havoc tell it. So that couldn't be it. Still, the possibility—no, scratch that, wrong word, just the crazy idea—was enough to bring heat to his face for the billionth time today.

Edward stuck to his chair, refusing to get up for anything. He didn't like the strange little thrill that came with the thought of the Colonel wanting to feel him up, and he wasn't going to put himself in the position of falling all over the man again.

Falman, the last team member to follow him around, was more than happy to head to the library. Ed always loved the library; for one thing, there was always something about alchemy he could read (which he did so voraciously), and for another, it was just a peaceful place. Quiet, and it was never overly busy…Edward was relaxed there, safe.

He looked at the shelves, searching for a specific book. Ed sighed, resigned as he looked up. He'd have to get a ladder.

On the first rung, Edward thought about not climbing up. His balance was more than a little off today, and besides that the whole thing with the Colonel had him a little frazzled. But he wanted that book. Stubborn as always, Ed started up.

Why did he have to pick the book so close to the top? No, why did the library have to put it there? Honestly. Edward finally reached it, glancing down. It wasn't like he was outrageously high up—his feet were realistically about seven feet off the ground—but with the way his day had been going…

Roy turned a corner and spotted Edward. As glad as he was to see he boy—this little exercise was even more fun than he'd expected—he wasn't happy about his position. The blonde was up on a ladder. A fucking ladder! Roy had thought Ed would have had more common sense than that! He was actually in danger now, this wasn't how Roy had planned it…

He barely suppressed the urge to shout the boy's name, knowing that would only startle him and increase his chances of falling. Roy started jogging towards Edward, stretching his arms out—

Ed stretched out his arm, grabbing the book and holding it to his chest. Ha! He'd worried for nothing, he was fine—

Going down, his foot slipped, and Edward tumbled back. For the brief second he was in the air, Ed almost wasn't worried—either he wouldn't be hurt because it wasn't the worst fall he'd been in or the Colonel would be there, right?

It turned out his latter thought was correct. The man huffed as Edward fell into his outstretched arms, just barely catching him. Ed, this time, was actually glad for his presence…until he heard the yelling.

"What the fuck were you thinking, Ed!?" the Colonel was shouting, panicked. "You could have gotten hurt!"

The immediate shock was the use of his name. The man never called him by name, only by title. He was so taken aback he wasn't quite sure what to say. "What?"

"You've been falling down all day!" the Colonel growled. "What made you think it would be a good idea to get on a fucking ladder?"

Edward realized only then that the man was still holding him, bridal style. He flushed and squirmed, trying to get down, but the Colonel wouldn't let go. "You can't be reckless like that, Ed."

"Why does it matter to you?" Edward asked, irritation coloring his voice. "You've been trying to piss me off all day—"

"That doesn't mean I want you to get hurt!"

Ed stared up at the man, rather surprised by the strain in his voice. The Colonel actually looked upset, worried. "Can you put me down?" Edward whispered.

"Promise me you'll be more careful first," the man insisted.

"Fine," Ed muttered, relieved when his legs were placed—gently, what the hell?—on the ground again. "I still don't see why you're so upset, though."

The Colonel just took a deep breath. "Forget it. Just don't hurt yourself. Anyway, I actually came by to tell you—Falman's shift is over."

Edward grinned. "So I'm done being followed?"

The man mirrored his smile, though his eyes were still dark. "No. It's my turn."

Well that was a surprise. Ed didn't know how to feel about that—his stomach clenched up awkwardly, but the feeling wasn't all that unpleasant…and that was the worst part. He sighed. "What am I doing?"

"How about just a walk? I need a breather."

Edward nodded silently and followed the man out of the library, the book he'd gone to retrieve forgotten. Walking with the Colonel? And for him to be so riled up over Ed falling…it was weird.

They were silent as they walked, aside from Edward muttering curses as he continued to trip over his own feet. The Colonel shortly took to walking a little bit slower than him and letting his hand hover behind Ed, barely an inch from the small of his back. More than a little awkward, in Edward's opinion.

He didn't really see what happened next, but all of a sudden there was a jerking on his coat. Ed was spun around, and of course he fell—right on top of the Colonel, who was also going down. He caught a flash of silver metal, and then all Edward could see was the man's face.

The Colonel sat up just slightly, Ed hurriedly pulling back—he was still too close, far too close, and there was a hand on his head and—

He was being kissed. By the Colonel.

Edward's brain was trying and failing to make the connection, to understand. What the hell was going on? It took a rather long time for him to realize he could pull away, and Ed did so, jerking his head back and staring at the man he was still on top of. The Colonel's eyes were shining.

"What the fuck?" he murmured hoarsely. The man laughed, and Edward's body moved with the sound. He shivered.

"That's not really the reaction I was hoping for, but I guess it's better than getting slapped."

Another laugh joined in, and Ed's head shot up to see…"Alphonse!?"

Al waved. "Hi, Brother!"

This was too much. "Okay, someone needs to tell me what the hell is happening here."

The Colonel began to explain, more than happy to leave Ed on his lap. "I might have spent the day trying to get to this point."

"What point?" Edward was getting impatient. He tried to stand up, but the Colonel held him down.

"Give me a minute. I guess I should apologize—it's kind of a weird way to do this, but—I'm the reason you've been falling down all day, Ed."

There it was again! His name, not his title. "Huh?"

"This morning? With the coffee? How you needed water afterwards? I have slipped something in to affect your balance. The aftertaste of the coffee covered it up."

The Colonel didn't appear to be at all guilty for having drugged him. "You ass!" Ed shouted, trying again to get up, again being prevented. "Let me go! You fucking hypocrite, you were all worried about me falling off a ladder when it's your fault—"

The man's face darkened. "That wasn't supposed to happen. I thought you'd have more sense than that—most everything else I had planned, but that one was an accident."

"You're still a dick," Edward hissed.

Alphonse was still chuckling. "I told you, you should have asked the question first, Roy."

"Roy!?" Ed gaped.

"Roy" laughed too, and again with feeling the laughter. "Yeah, Roy. I asked for his help, so I figured we should be on a first name basis. Same with you, by the way." The Colonel turned to Al. "And I needed to explain first. Do you think he'll still say yes?"

"I dunno…" Alphonse answered in a mockingly doubtful tone. "It's not like Brother's a huge sucker for this kind of thing…"

"If I don't get some kind of explanation I am going to kick you in the balls, Colonel."

"Roy."

"Fine!" Ed shouted. "Roy! I'm going to kick your fucking nuts, Roy, if you don't start talking!"

Roy laughed again, but at least got back to the topic at hand. "I only drugged you because I wanted it to be dramatic. Unique. You were right, I was following you, making sure to catch you whenever you actually fell—when I could. You're timing in the restroom was really off, not that I'm complaining." Edward felt his face heat up at the reminder of that incident. "I was working up to the main goal—I have a question to ask you."

"What?" Ed asked, heart racing. He had been right, hadn't he? Roy had been trying to touch him, to…

"Would you like to come to my house for dinner this Friday?"

It was a bit anticlimactic, but the question made sense. Roy was…coming on to him? Edward stuttered. "You…did all this…to ask me on a date?"

Roy shrugged helplessly. "Well, yeah. When I asked Al how I should do it, how to get you to say yes, he told me you're secretly really touched by romantic plans and such."

Ed glared at his brother, who giggled. "How does drugging me constitute as romantic?"

"It was the means to an end. Also my personal touch—I can't be too nice to you," Roy teased. "Besides, everything else was a pretty fantastic plan wasn't it?"

Pouting now, Edward folded his arms. Damn Alphonse for doing this! Now he understood why his brother had stayed home instead of coming to work early with him…it was so Roy could pull his stupid trick. Still, Al hadn't been lying. Ed was a sucker for this kind of thing. It was sweet, in a kind of creepy way. "Having me land on you is so cliché," he muttered.

Roy grinned. "Is that a yes?"

A heavy pause. "Yeah. But next time…just trip me or something. That would have been easier."

Roy leaned forward and kissed him again. "No promises. This was pretty fun."

"Sick bastard."

"And that's why you said yes."

Longest chapter ever...but it wouldn't have read the same if I split it up. So yeah.

Also, I usually don't regret anything...but I think even I'm sorry for the bathroom scene XD It was too funny to take out though.

Enjoy~ My fingers need a break *^*