Ruminations of Conrad the Ninja
Warning: This one is about sex!
10. Sexual Identity
I get a whole lot of people sending me letters. And one of the most common questions is asking if I ever have problems with sexual identity. Well, readers, as a matter of fact I do!
For those who do not know what "sexual identity" is, allow me to explain. Have you ever had sex with someone when it's really dark, and halfway through you realize you don't even know who you're having sex with, so you subtly try to figure it out? That is what is called, "determining sexual identity." It's harder than it sounds!
Let's say you're going at it with some person in a dark room. The first thing you need to ask yourself is, is this a man or a woman? There are a few ways to tell. First of all, is the person you're sexing up wearing a dress? If so, they have about a 75% chance of being female, and a 25% chance of being Josak Gurrier. If it's the latter, smack him over the head and say, "You cheating skank!" for me. He's my bitch, not yours. Back off.
Another way to tell the difference is to look at their private parts. Is there a penis involved? Is it yours, or someone else's? If there are no penises, you are probably two women. If you are not two women but still can't find a penis, then something is horribly wrong and you need to turn on the lights and seek medical help as soon as possible!
Once you determine the gender of your partner, you can move on to figuring out his or her identity. Is he crying constantly and muttering the name of a past lover, sobbing in between impotent humps and dramatically falling to his knees every five minutes? Your partner is likely Adelbert von Grantz. Is your partner hiding in the bathroom, desperately drowning himself in the tub with traumatized eyes after his first sexual experience? That's my boss, and he's only sixteen years old, you nasty pedophile. Is your partner just laying there like a dead thing? Well, it's either the corpse of Julia, or Frodo Baggins. Either way, at the very least you should wear a condom. Necrophilia is dangerous, almost as dangerous as doing the nasty with a hobbit.
If your partner isn't doing any of those things, then chances are the sex is pretty great. So who cares who he or she is anyway? In the end, I've found you're better off not knowing. Because knowing may be half the battle, but I don't do anything halfway! And neither should you. Who ever heard of fighting half a battle?