Here am I with another heartbreaking chapter! Thanks for the reviews and please keep leaving me your comments, I need to know what you think especially about these chapters where Dr. Hartramph's present: it was very challenging writing her lines, I had to imagine what a psychiatrist would say in that contest, not easy at all! Enjoy & review!
Her phone didn't stop ringing but she never picked up, maybe it was him or Owen, or an emergency somewhere but she didn't care, she was staying in bed watching the snow falling.
She should have been mad at Will but she wasn't, she felt nothing, her pain turned in a stupor like rain became snow. When was the last time she made love to Ian? She felt confused, it was as if an eternity passed in just one day. Los Angeles… yeah, their last time must have happened there. Each moment with him was painful like a thorn in the heart, she missed him, she missed everything, their pushing each other's buttons, his sharp irony, even that satisfied sneer he had on his face when he was right.
Bickman is truly amazing, isn't he? - Yes, he is. He had just finished Leo's surgery, she remembered him looking up and met her gaze, yes he was amazing in every way. He was a gifted surgeon who lived for his job but made so many adjustments to be with her, to be the man she needed by her side and what did she do for him? She lied, she kept running away but sooner or later she'd have had to face him, she couldn't hide forever. Would she have ever been ready for that? To look the man she loved in his eyes and break both their hearts?
Someone was knocking hard at the door but she didn't have any intention to go seeing who was until she heard the shouts.
"I know you're in there Black, open up!"
It was him, Bickman.
"Catherine I swear to God I'll knock this door down!"
He was making a scene she didn't want her neighbors to hear, so she put on a robe and went opening.
The man she found in front of her wasn't the one she expected: Ian Bickman was drunk, he hasn't shaved and had on the shirt he was wearing the day before, his hair was messy and disheveled, his eyes were red and tired, he didn't sleep last night either. He broke into the apartment without her permission and turned to look at her.
"Bickman"
"You didn't come to work today"
"I'm surprised you did drunk as you are"
"I went to the Cube just to talk to you but they told me you called in sick"
"I don't even ask how you found out my address" she crossed the arms against her chest "But you're here now so what do you want?"
"I want the truth! What the hell is your secret?"
"I don't have any secret"
"Stop lying, Catherine! It drives me nuts"
She stared at him blank
"What's happening to us? We were okay" he continued
"You let him split us"
"You did! Because he's right but you're not trusting me enough to share this fucking thing with me! Why?"
"There's nothing to say Bickman"
"So now I'm Bickman?"
"It's your surname"
"Don't play this game with me Catherine, I recognize the coldness in your voice"
"I'm not playing any game. You came here pretending with your usual arrogance, you don't have any right on me!"
"I'm not an expert of relationships but part of deal should be no secrets"
"And you think you don't have any? How many women did you screw? Did you lose the count?"
"Does it matter? I want you! Everything else it's part of the past, everybody has one included you"
"It can't work"
"Why?"
"Because we're not a good match as you think" she lied
"You don't think that for real"
"I do. It's complicated, we both are complicated"
"No, it's not, I am not! You're making this complicated because you don't want to trust me"
"We work together and mixing job and pleasure is a mistake"
"Since when working together has been a problem?"
"It is now. We lived in a fantasy world but this is the reality"
"I'm sure Owen wouldn't have any objection"
"It's not the point"
"Yeah the point is you chose not trust me and we won't build anything if you hide things from me, we'll just end up hurting each other and I… I can't do it, not with you"
She remembered Dr. Hartramph's words: Relationships are built on trust. Without truth there's no trust. Without trust there's no love.
"What do you want me to say?"
"The truth"
She shook her head
"If you can't be honest with me it's over"
She gulped down trying to keep her mask in place "It's better this way"
"No it's not. You… you'll always be the one"
She gripped her elbow tight holding herself, trying not to fall apart in front of him. He stepped closer but she moved back.
"You should go now"
He watched her for another second, his eyes were watery… There were two broken hearts in that room. He wanted to touch her, to give her a goodbye kiss but if she let him do it she knew they'd have ended up making love again and that would have been beyond painful, unbearable, so he just headed to the door but stopped before opening it.
"Give me a reason to stay. Please…"
She said nothing. It wasn't true that "The Marco Polo" of the brain didn't know her own mind, she did and that was the reason why she was in that situation. He left and she didn't cry, she had no tears left.
…
Same office, same couch and another emergency session with Dr. Hartramph. The doctor has wanted to see her again worried that she might have done something irreparable. Catherine was hiding herself behind a pair of dark sunglasses, she cried again and the psychiatrist knew, she knew her well by now: she seemed exhausted, probably she didn't even sleep and her silence spoke volumes.
"Catherine, how are you today?" the doctor's words were full of concern
She stayed silent looking into the empty space.
"Talk to me, please"
"He broke up with me this morning"
"Tell me what happened"
"He came to my place drunk and out of his mind, he insisted on asking what my secret was"
"What did you tell him?"
"The same I did yesterday morning, there is no secret. He said if I couldn't be honest we wouldn't have built anything and we'd have just ended up hurting each other"
"You already did. You are two gifted doctors who reduced themselves to miserable wretches"
"He won't be soon anymore"
"He's in love with you and it's the first time for him. He won't be over you very soon as you think"
"He'll go screwing around and the life will go on. It's what he does, who he is"
"You told me once he was a sexual predator"
"Yes, he is with more than willing partners"
"Does it bother you?"
"If it does? Yes, of course! I'm freaking jealous and possessive and he is too, he couldn't bear to share me with Will when I was still engaged."
She exhaled.
"Honestly I thought he would have never been able to be faithful but it's not a problem anymore"
"So you never trusted him"
"No, not completely. Who would? He's a playboy, why should I have been enough for him?"
"These are your self-esteem issues talking"
"It's not that, I mean… he never had a real relationship before, he never wanted one, he had always looked for the thrills in his job and outside"
"And you don't think you could give him that thrill?"
"I did. At the beginning our relationship was purely physical, the sex was amazing and I've never thought he wanted more than that but he did"
"You underestimated him"
"Totally"
"And you don't think you're doing it again thinking he'll forget you easily?"
"I'm just trying to convince myself that it's better that way. Before leaving he begged me to give him a reason to stay and I didn't say anything"
"Why?"
"Because I couldn't. I'm bipolar and I can't tell him, that's the problem!"
"You can't blame your disorder Catherine, it has anything to do with your relationship with Bickman"
"Doesn't it? How can you say that? We'd be together now if I was normal"
"Once you told me you don't know what normal means. And by the way you are normal – that doesn't mean mediocre – the woman he fell in love with is normal, she just has a medical condition who is treatable with medicines"
She shook her head angry
"It's about trust, you don't trust him, this is the problem not your disorder"
"If he knew why should he cover for me at work?"
"You know the answer"
"Because he loves me and I let him go because I didn't wanna lose him"
"You didn't want to tell him about your condition not only because of your job but because you were afraid he'd have left you like the others so you pushed him to end your relationship lying"
"Twisted, isn't it?"
"It seems pretty clear to me"
"You're a psychiatrist, you're used to see crazy people doing crazy things"
"You're not crazy Catherine, you're scared. You turned your world upside down for this man"
"I did because I'm an impulsive idiot who followed her heart"
"It's not a blame"
"The worst thing is that I'll meet him every single day at work"
"I'm sure you'll handle it"
"Will I?"
"You're a strong person, you handled worse things"
"I can't rely on my job because he's in the picture now, I can't rely on Esme, on anybody. I'm alone"
"You're not alone and you'll do fine, have faith on yourself. You didn't want to give him a chance but give it to yourself"
She didn't say anything.
"Are you eating and sleeping?"
"No. I didn't sleep at all last night and I barely ate something this morning"
"Catherine… you're not a child, you know the consequences"
"Yeah" she bit her lip "Tomorrow I'll go back to work and it'll be as if none of this ever happened"
"Burying your feelings won't help you, you've to deal with them"
"I can't do otherwise at the moment"
Leaving the psychiatrist's office she switched on the auto-pilot mode, she didn't want to think or feel anymore, she felt sorry for herself enough and now she just needed to protect her little heart if she wanted to survive.
She came back home and tidied up all the apartment cleaning every single surface: neatening outside gave her the illusion she could have done the same with her life. Yes, just another illusion.